Mollie, 22 | New York In this powerful and revealing VCUG survivor interview, Unsilenced co-founder Mollie Bushart shares her incredible life story of grief, loss, and healing after undergoing three VCUGs in early childhood—which, Mollie says, “definitely impacted me very much as a child.” “Before having [the VCUGs] done, my parents used to describe me as very adventurous,” Mollie remembers. “I was always the one that wanted to go on big rollercoasters. I was willing to do anything. After the VCUGs, I became very anxious, very withdrawn, very afraid of my surroundings.” A central part to Mollie’s journey is her longstanding struggle with vaginismus, a condition that multiple healthcare professionals accused her of “making up,” despite the detrimental effects on herself and her long-term boyfriend in New York. After developing dissociative amnesia due to sexual trauma, Mollie suspected she had vaginismus as early as 12 or 13 years old—just a few years after she started to feel suicidal at the very young age of 8. At 19 years old, after being told that her medical records had been destroyed, she was lost and left grappling for answers in an empty void, searching for the the truth that she not only deserved, but desperately needed to heal and take back her life. [4:15] “It was just very obvious to me that I had a definite fear of my g******s,” Mollie says. “I was very against using tampons. It just became more and more clear, the older I got, that something was definitely wrong.” Her brave efforts to find the answer left her and her long-term partner empty-handed, leading them to wonder if she’d been sexually abused in childhood and repressed the memory. Both her partner and close friend in the psychotherapy field echoed her thoughts, ultimately unable to offer any other potential reason for Mollie’s frustrating and unexplainable struggle. “I went to my gynecologist, and they said I did not have vaginismus at all,” Mollie recalls. “And I naively believed them instead of myself, which basically led to the first time I tried. And every time after that was like, 'Well, I definitely have vaginismus. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it.'” But, Mollie adds, doctors continued to gaslight her into believing there was nothing wrong with her. “It definitely put a strain on my relationship,” Mollie points out. “Not only did I feel like I wasn’t good enough to be loved, and I couldn’t contribute to a relationship what I was supposed to, but it also made him feel insecure about himself, and be afraid of hurting me.” [7:00] A year later, Mollie found out about her VCUGs in the tiny apartment that she and her boyfriend shared when her mom texted her to say that Mollie had confided to her about vaginismus-related symptoms as a kid, and she suspected the VCUGs may be to blame. She explained that Mollie "wouldn’t even let doctors near her waist area” whatsoever after having the procedure. “They would have to hold me down just to examine me,” Mollie says. “And so I looked it up online, and I found a whole lot of articles about how safe the VCUG was, and how harmless and risk-free it was. And it was just this feeling of, like…I don’t understand. Because it’s saying that it’s safe, and that nothing happens, and that there’s no risks. But then I’m having all these problems, and they don’t match up together.” [19:00] In terms of her healing journey, Mollie says that the most difficult part of VCUG trauma recovery was simply coming to terms with the horrible thing that happened to her. “That’s been the hardest part,” she confesses. “I searched for so long. I searched everywhere for an answer to these questions of why I was having so many problems as a kid.” Mollie explains that advocacy has been both a positive and negative aspect of her healing journey. As one of the Unsilenced co-founders, Mollie has made tremendous strides to raise
