Where's the Lemonade‪?‬ Darren & Paige Pulsipher

We just had a wedding!! Julianne and Boyd were married this past weekend and it made us think about the balancing act that they had to do between 3 different families. How can we help them in their balancing act? There are always going to be big events  that you have to attend with your coparent and possibly a significant other. How  can we make this easier on the kids?Over time this evolves too. It can also ebb and flow depending on your relationship with your ex.Polite and friendly should be the very least you should do. 
Dear Mom and Dad,The operative word here Mom and Dad is My events. You are a guest here and I ask you to act accordingly. My events include but are not limited to:1. My teacher’s conferences.2. My athletic events.3. My musical recitals.4. My birthday party.5. My school plays.6. My school graduationsAnd later7. My Prom8. My going to college9. My weddingSo here are some guidelines which I ask if you can’t follow, best you postpone coming until you can.Your Divorce, My EventMy life outside my family’s divorce is very important to me. It is also what keeps me sane in this world called “figuring out two houses by myself.” Whenever I play soccer, I only want to focus on playing soccer. If divorced parents come to watch our games, I don’t want the two of you to stand out. I also prefer you don’t rush to bring your latest “squeeze” and I won’t be able to tell you my preference. When you both have new people in your life, Dad I don’t want you to call Mom’s BF a Pr$%^& and Mom I don’t want you to call Dad’s GF a Wh)(&^*. Yes, this has happened to other kids way too often.If you use my events to vent your anger at each other, I suffer the most. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and I let my team down because I can’t focus on the game. Keep your divorce out of my events! Don’t use my events for your anger.Be concerned about me!Whenever you come to my teacher’s conference remember why you are there. Hopefully, you are there to see how I am adjusting to being the child of divorced parents. My teacher’s conference is not a place for you to compete for who is being a better parent. Ask my teacher how she thinks I am doing and what you can do to be a better parent for Me! My teacher’s conference is an opportunity for you to find out about my welfare. It is an opportunity for you both to make my life easier by listening to my teacher’s recommendations.Respect Me!My school graduations, music recitals, school plays, and even my birthday are my events. Therefore, Once again you are a guest! Ask me if I have any requests from you. Do I care if you sit together or apart? Let me know who is bringing me and who is taking me home. If you have feelings about any of the logistics, work it out with your therapist.I understand if I have one or two contentious divorced parents you will always sit away from each other. Don’t scream or yell at each other it is my event. Never try to make me feel guilty if I hug both of you and am nice to both of you. Don’t tell me I can’t say Hi to my other parent or even try to keep me from greeting my other parent. Yes, this also happens all too often to kids. Once again remember this is an important event for me. Remember it is not about either of you!Move OnThe more you do your inner work and move on from the divorce the better things will be for me. I don’t want to be your confidant. I have to figure out love after going through the trauma of my parent’s divorce.And, I cannot figure out your love life so zip it. When I go off to college, leave home, get married, and/or all the normal things people do, I expect you both to be focused on what I need not each other and your unfinished business. By the time I get married and I have to figure out how to handle two families to my finances one please understand. Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Divorce doesn’t have to be the most traumatic event of a child’s life. When parents divorce a

Darren and Paige have heard about Nacho parenting and always thought it was definitely not for them, but they only had heard about extreme Nacho parenting. After a dive into what it really is, Paige is not totally against it; she can see why some families would adopt this type of parenting in a blended family. So let's take a look.
Definition of “Nachoing”:People often ask, what is Nachoing? The Facebook response is usually “Nacho Kids, Nacho Problem.” Well, not quite. The stepkids can definitely be a problem for you. It’s “Nacho Kids, Nacho Responsibility.” The stepkids are not the responsibility of the stepmom/stepparent.The Nacho Kids method is a philosophy and methodology for blended families that consists of proven techniques and strategies, the psychology of human interaction, the mind, personalities, personal life experiences, and a track record of positive client results.“Nachoing” as it is often referred to as, or using the Nacho Kids method, is stepping back from situations that cause you and/or your blended relationship stress and realizing when you feel you have “no control,” you actually have the ultimate control. And that is how you let it affect you.
Nachoing is to:• Treat the stepkid as you would a friend’s kid.• Allow the bio parent to parent their own kid as they deem fit.• Not engaging in negative and unhealthy interactions with the stepkids.• Act as a babysitter in the absence of the bio parent.• Say nothing about, or to, the stepkids unless it’s sheer praise.• Remove the target off your back and no longer be the “bad guy.”• Have no interaction with your significant other’s ex (the other bio parent).• Let go of the things you cannot control and realize the ultimate control is to control how you let these things affect you.• Help the stepkid if they ask you for help. That help can be by responding with, “Go Ask Your Dad.”
A breakdown of the Nacho Kids method:• Understanding you are not their mom legally, biologically, nor through osmosis or a genie in a bottle. They have a mom and a dad, and you are neither.• Learning how to step back from the chaos.• Identifying your personal triggers, the roots of those triggers, and how to avoid/cope with “unhealthy” interactions.• Understanding why the blend is so hard and how even our minds play against the blend being successful.• Focusing on your blended relationship or marriage, not the stepkids or your significant other’s ex.• Being supportive of your significant other in their parenting role. It’s their job to parent. It’s your job to be their partner.• Creating the “stepparent” role that works best for you and your blended family.• Re-engaging with the stepkids in the role you designed to fit your blend!
Lemonade Moment of the Week:
Great trip with the kids to Italy. Hard time adjusting the the time change when they got back.


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Ok, so we all hear the saying, "Don't go to bed Angry." You probably hear this marriage advice at almost all weddings or bridal showers. Is it that important not to go to bed angry? Paige does not subscribe to this myth at all. Just the opposite. She feels that going to sleep during an argument is like a time-out. And then, when you wake up, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad. On the other hand, Darren would love to hash it out until it’s all resolved and then go to bed since he usually doesn’t sleep if he is in an argument. 
 
One of the reasons that they say not to go to bed angry is because it’s typically difficult to sleep if you are angry. But what could be worse than going to bed angry is staying up and arguing...
Here's what might happen if you stay up and argue:
1.      Become more tired.
2.      Think less clearly.
3.      Get angrier the later it gets.
4.      Get more triggered.
5.      Say worse things.
6.      Get more hurt.
So instead of fixating on trying to get thru this fight so that you can get to bed, focus on what would help calm the situation down. Focusing on calming the energy will help you reduce the chance you'll get to bed angry and reduce the fighting. 
 
In 85% of couples, one person is the pursuer, and the other is the distancer.  There’s no crime in being either.  Pursuers look to “finish the discussion” to reduce relationship distress.  Distancers use the strategy of pausing an argument and using natural decay of energy to reduce distress.  
  
Work on the Calm. If the argument isn’t getting resolved and you’re going in circles, try to pause the situation and resume at an agreed-upon time to check-in. This does not mean you are just sweeping the argument under the rug; you still need to discuss whatever upset you, but give it a minute to calm down.
  
This is a complex skill to learn, pausing,  but it can be helpful with some effort. This might not work for everyone, some might want to keep going at it, but I say, get some sleep and some distance!
  
Lemonade moment of the week - 
Julianne and Boyd are getting married, and the rehearsal dinner is out of the house, accelerating the "honey-do" list to 6 six weeks instead of 3 years.
 
Links: 


https://www.heartfeltcounselingmn.com/blog/2020/1/30/marriage-myth-dont-go-to-bed-angry - Paige’s opinion
https://www.verywellmind.com/never-go-to-bed-angry-the-pros-and-cons-of-this-practice-5214352 - Darren's Opinion


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Let's start with a frequently asked question in divorced households: 
When my child goes to their dad’s house, he has different rules. When they come home, they think they can do whatever they want.  I am tired of the battle. How can I help them adjust to the different house rules? This is a brilliantly asked question about a common problem in divorced households. The question is not, “How can I get my ex to parent like me or to agree with me?” By the way, if you ask your ex to do this, they will most likely NOT just because it's you asking. But the question is, “How can I help my child adjust between the two homes?” Brilliant. This is not focusing on your ex, which you have no control over; this is focusing on your child.The answer is complicated… Managing the different rules, expectations, and personalities is challenging for the entire family. This can be highly emotional, and there’s likely to be some conflict as you figure out what works best for you, your child, and her father.  But you can help your child understand and respect the different expectations of each parent without battles while still enjoying the time she spends with both of you.The article we are referencing for this topic talks about perspective and how it starts with YOU. PerspectiveThink about your attitude and how you are responding to this situation. If you— understandably—feel angry or stressed, your child will likely feel this way, too. Your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language all communicate how you feel.Try to take the perspective of your child’s father {or mother). For example, like other divorced fathers, he may try to make up for the divorce by letting her do whatever she wants, so there is little conflict while they are together or by buying gifts to compensate for the loss. If you understand your child’s father’s motives, it may make this situation more manageable.Whether or not you and your child’s father can work on this together, the task for you is to help your child—as you put it—“adjust between the different house rules.”• Ask your child questions encouraging a back-and-forth conversation, not just a yes or no answer. Ask: “How does it feel to have different rules at your dad’s and my house?” The more your child talks about her feelings, the better she can understand and respond to other people’s points of view.• Set boundaries about the rules. Although your child may like one set of rules better than the other, it’s best to be direct about the fact that the rules are different, and it is her responsibility to follow both sets of rules.• Consistency and Follow Through. Keep your rules consistent, and follow through with the consequences you have decided on. Your child depends on you to stay reliable even if things feel unstable.• Focus on the Positive. If you focus on the negative or get into battles, try reinforcing positive actions by commenting on them, like: “It was so helpful that you threw the trash into the wastebasket!”• Assess Yourself. If you are upset about your child’s not following your rules, ask yourself what you expect of her and of yourself. Step back and look at your perspective. Are your expectations realistic? For example, maybe your child can’t finish all her homework at her father’s house. See if you can reach a compromise that works for all of you.
Make a plan together: This is the most critical strategy to use. When you and your child engage in a problem-solving process together, you help her learn to gain Executive Function skills.Executive Functions are the skills we use to manage our thoughts, feelings, and behavior to achieve goals. Studies have found that when children develop Executive Function skills, they are more likely to thrive now and in the future.Determine the problem. Explain to her that you often battle each other and want to devise better management methods.• Talk with her about what’s most challe

March 2020 was the beginning of a new reality for most of us—kids at home, adults at home, adult kids at home, everyone at home. As time passed, kids went back to school, but many adults continued working from home, which could be a significant change for many of us. There are so many good things about parents being at home, there for the kids, and there to help with the kids; when kids are napping, one parent can be at home while the other runs errands, so they have more time together. Some things may need improvement about both parents being at home, roles requiring clarification, and maybe too much time together. Seeing each other every day, all day, and all night might get annoying and on each other's nerves. Let's talk about how to cope with spending so much time together.
 
Don’t hold grudges:  When you are constantly together, the only way to get through the day is to either spill or let it go. Always remind yourself to let go of things that aren’t important. If something is bothering you, take a minute and talk about it.
 
Make time for each other: I know this sounds silly when you spend every day with each other, but you still need quality time together. Plan something fun to do, not just the mundane that is life. Play a game, go for a walk, go out to eat…
 
Compromise: Spending so much time together, there are going to be things that you are struggling with that your partner is doing. You have to discuss these things and devise a compromise so you don’t go crazy on each other. Maybe it's something as small as you feeling like you are constantly checked up during the day; compromise might be staying in different sections of the house until certain times, like lunch. It might be as simple as changing your approach, but discuss it and meet in the middle.
 
Admit when you're just fed up: Sometimes, we are in a bad mood and need space. Everything the other person does gets on your nerves; you need space. Let the other person know you are having a bad day so they can be more sensitive and not take too much personally. 
 
Time Out: Be honest if you need some time alone. Don’t just be grumpy and out of sorts with each other; take time for yourself. Go for a walk by yourself, play pickleball with friends, read a book, watch a show you want to watch all by yourself, whatever you need for a few hours to get away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…does it?? 
 
I hope these tips help you cope with so much time together. Please send us any suggestions you might have.
 
Lemonade moment of the week: Paige is out of town, so Darren is busy re-doing the laundry room.
Links: 

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/too-much-time-together
https://www.lovearoundme.com/blog/too-much-time-together-leads-to-an-unhealthy-relationship
https://twogetlost.com/how-cope-spending-time-with-partner
 


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 When a relationship is new, you see the world through rose-colored glasses. Everything is fresh and new. As you look at each other, you see someone who is exciting and perfect. Even the world around you seems brighter and happier than before you found each other. In that “new” stage of a relationship, it’s easy to say loving things to each other. Those sweet words come naturally when you are together and then via text or phone at all hours of the day and night apart. 
Over time, however, things start to change. Challenges occur, and flaws emerge. The rose-colored glasses come off, and reality sets in. This is when love begins to morph a bit.  Saying loving things toward each other takes a bit more effort. Love takes more effort, but practice makes perfect! As you weather storms together, you develop a more profound love and appreciation for each other than ever before.
If you’ve been out of that “new” stage for a while and need some ideas to freshen your love up, here we go:

YOU LOOK GREAT! Compliments work and mean a lot. Don’t hold back. We need to hear it!
THANK YOU! After you’ve been together for a while, taking each other for granted is normal. Thank you is very simple and extremely important. It’s saying I appreciate what you do for me.
I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING! We sometimes think that our partner knows magically what we are thinking. So, we stop vocalizing those thoughts.
I LOVE YOU ANYWAY…When your spouse makes a mistake, it can be challenging for both of you. But what you say at that moment will have a lasting impact. When you say, “I love you anyway,” you’re telling them regardless of the mistake, I will still love you.
WE’LL GET THROUGH IT! This is saying we’re a team, and I’m on your side. A marriage can go through many trials, and it's essential to make sure your partner feels your love through it.
YES, I’D LOVE TO! Maybe the theatre or sports aren’t your things, but if your spouse loves those things, show your support. If they ask you and want you to join them, do it. That may not always be the case; sometimes they may want to go with friends or family who have the same love of that thing, but when they want you to go, go.
I UNDERSTAND - Saying “I understand” really says, “I get you.” It’s a comfort to know that someone gets you without even really having to explain your feelings.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? One of the most basic definitions of love is putting another’s needs before our own. We may find this easy for our children, but sometimes we forget to do it for our spouse. Remember to ask your spouse, “What can I do for you?” which says, “I want to support you and lessen your burden.” Sacrificing your time for something your spouse needs will strengthen your bond.
I’M HERE FOR YOU! Remind your spouse that they can always count on you. Always have each other’s backs.
I LOVE YOU! These 3 simple words should be said every day. They confirm your care and devotion
Do not let one day pass without saying loving things like these to your partner. Always ensure your spouse feels appreciated, validated, safe and secure with you. Pick several short phrases to say daily, and soon you’ll feel more loving toward each other.
Lemonade moment of the week
Paige and Darren attend the youngest of their children's swim meet in the snow!!!
Links
https://www.verywellmind.com/simple-phrases-keep-you-in-love-4060485

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