Why Empaths Struggle With Boundaries (And How to Fix It Without Becoming ‘Cold’ or ‘Mean’)

Why Empaths Struggle With Boundaries (And How to Fix It Without Becoming ‘Cold’ or ‘Mean’)

If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary and instantly felt guilty — this episode is your wake-up call.
Christy breaks down why empaths struggle to say no, how childhood conditioning wires you to overgive, and the exact mindset shifts that help you protect your peace without losing your warmth.

You’ll learn why your nervous system panics when you speak up, how to rewire that fear, and how to find that sweet spot between kindness and self-abandonment.

Because boundaries don’t make you cold — they make your love sustainable. 💖

✨ In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why empaths confuse love with self-sacrifice

• The “nice girl” myth that keeps women stuck in burnout

• How to tell if you’re saying yes out of love or fear

• The nervous-system reason boundaries feel “wrong”

• How to set limits without guilt, shame, or freezing up

👑 Your Next Step in Healing

✨ Ready to set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral?
My Empowered Boundaries Course will walk you step-by-step through how to protect your peace, voice, and energy (without losing your heart).

🎓 10 video modules + meditation bundle + lifetime access
💻 Enroll here → shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

Book a 1:1 Coaching Session →

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💌 More Ways to Connect

• Grab your FREE Boundaries Pocket Guide → Christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

• Join the Free Facebook Community → facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello Queens. Have you ever tried to set a boundary and immediately felt like you were the villain? Let's talk about why that happens and how to protect your peace without losing that beautiful, gorgeous heart of yours. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun.

(00:58)
So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. All right, so you've probably been called maybe too sensitive, too nice or too much at some point. I've been called all of those at one point or another in my life. And as an empath, you've learned to read the room, anticipate people's needs, and we love to fix. So maybe fix all the vibes even when it costs you your own piece, right? So here's the truth though. You don't necessarily have a boundaries problem that might be more of a symptom of a different problem, which not everyone talks about, but I'm here to talk about the things we don't talk about. You have a fear of being misunderstood, problem.

(02:04)
You have a fear of being misunderstood. So deep down, you may not actually be afraid of saying no. You more are afraid of being seen and perceived as someone who does not care or who is not empathetic because you in fact, do care and you don't want to be seen as something you are not. So you're afraid, not of the boundary itself, but what the reaction to the boundary will be. So this episode is your permission slip to finally say, I can be kind and still protect my peace. So let's get into it. Why empaths struggle? So first of all, you were conditioned to prioritize connection over comfort. And that could be from your childhood. You could have earlier family dynamics where you were rewarded for self-sacrifice. So like, oh, you're such a good girl when you help, right? And yes, we want to instill that in our kids, but it could go to an unhealthy level where it's always based around you pushing outside of yourself to do something for others.

(03:30)
Or you could also have been punished for any self-assertion or calling things out that didn't seem right. Even if you did it in a nice kind way, or when you saw something wasn't fair and you vocalized it, you could have been punished for that, right? So your nervous system equates someone else's comfort with safety due to that. So setting boundaries can feel dangerous in your body associated with if you do set a boundary, if you do call the thing out or want to have a conversation about something and it didn't go well as a child, or maybe it won your first relationships, romantic or friendship, anything, wherever this came from, it feels like danger. When you go to that place of, oh, maybe I will address this. It's like, oh, no, nevermind. Right? That started somewhere. So your nervous system doesn't know you're setting a boundary.

(04:33)
It really thinks you're about to lose love, because that at some point is probably what it felt like. And again, that could be any part of life, any person where that did start somewhere. And then we've got the nice girl myth. So society glamorizes being endlessly accommodating, especially for women. Can I get a what? Thank you. So you were taught that nice means agreeable, not authentic. When you think of authentic or unapologetic, it has this kind of negative connotation in our society, except in the women empowerment circles like here, but in general, nice is agreeable, and that does not necessarily go hand in hand. And narcissists love this because they sense who will bend for them before they even ask, right before they even really have to figure it out. So you've been praised for being easygoing or accommodating when you are actually probably just emotionally exhausted.

(05:54)
Okay? So what is the fix here without becoming the cold one that you don't want to have. By the way, since I've built boundaries, I definitely have been called cold, but I also, I got to a point where I first did boundaries in kind of a softer, more loving way, which you can. And then the more I got confidence and trust in myself and realized how jacked up so many people had treated me and what I accepted and realized like, wait, that's not cool. And turned around. I did get a little more hard and people called me cold. But also, some might call you cold, even if you are coming at a boundary with love because they're not used to it and they don't want it to happen. So especially a narcissist will make it a negative thing that you're standing up or even trying to have a conversation about anything because it's not going their way when you're actually standing up for yourself or even just wanting a normal, rational discussion. So they're going to flip it, gaslight you, call you cold, all that stuff. You're not cold, you warm and hot baby. No, but you are just standing up for yourself. So what is the fix without becoming this cold person? We don't want to be so boundaries. Remember this, and I've said it before, I'll say it again. They're not walls, okay? They're doors with locks. And you get to choose who comes in and when. Okay? So remember that.

(07:41)
Two, you don't need to swing from one extreme to the other, from super people pleaser to ice queen. There is a middle ground. And as long as your intention is good and about protecting you, it's not trying to control someone else. That's a big difference. You're not trying to control anybody or be mean to anybody. You're trying to control what's happening to you, and you are wanting to have peace in your life, and that is not cold. That is not mean. You're not mean for wanting peace and to protect yourself, okay? I want you to maybe write that down. I am not mean or cold for wanting peace an