A Journal of Emotional Hygiene, staffed by lonelysandwich, scottsimpson, and hotdogsladies.
California King: "What is HØL?"
Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama.
Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried.
Then, one night, we heard a cricket.
Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth.
So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California.
Also, we are out of money.
California King — A new journal of emotional hygiene. From the makers of You Look Nice Today.
Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.
Scat Academy (Part 1)
Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™.
No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.
In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue:
SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp!
ENGLISH: Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache.
SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot?
ENGLISH: Has this pepper spray you’re selling me been “stepped on?”
SCAT: Babe sop potta womp, bum bop zee bop!
ENGLISH: Your newborn baby is as uninteresting to me as the baking soda pabulum that’s currently passing for heroin.
ENGLISH: Ha! I’ve once again taken heroin and fallen asleep whilst driving!
SCAT: Stomp dee-domp, stomp dee-domp, squeep bomp—DEE bomp?
ENGLISH: Have you a spare behavior modification helmet and some heroin?
SCAT: Salt PEE nutz!
ENGLISH: This uncut heroin you’ve provided strikes me as both deadly and affordable.
Make a Given Wish
As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need.
So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation.
But, NO: we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers.
In any case. Get well soon, and here’s that brief bedside visit from the late Sargent Shriver you never actually requested.
Schrodinger's Conference Bag
Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™!
Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012!
Join old colleagues and make new friends in an immersive networking environment of blue-sky solutioneering and overcoats! Experience a wide-ranging and impactful offering of Keynotes, Panels, Super-Panels, Breakout Sessions, Birds-of-a-Feathers, Hands-On Demonstrations, and Interactive Receptionettes that will lavish you with a literal bag of pro-active informational materials that you can cuddle with…today!
You will learn about:
Vertical Market Opportunities
Rethinking the Bindles of the Integrated Lunch Solution Space
Etiquette of Toothbrush Dispersal
Spokane Spoons and Sundry Gift Options
Conference Service Conference Service Reselling Services
Green and Sustainable Pamphleteering
“Why Lie?”: The Ethics of Electronic Reverse Panhandling
Far from the Tree: Leaving Your Own Paper Company
The Post-Mortem Aerobic Media Space
FLAC → LAME QR Code Encoding Codecs
Hardtack and Rickshaw: Frontiers in eCommerce Exchange
A Wide Net: Targeting the Stout Man
Upscale Feline Premiums (US and Intl.)
A Charlie Kaufman Multiverse: Retroscripting the Charlie Kaufmaning of Charlie Kaufman’s Charlie Kaufman
Enhanced Social Components of Gamification Engineering
Peanuts Envy: Cracking the Preferred Legume of the Gaul
ROX: Finding New Returns on…Something
“The Remora Feel”: Exploring the Physics of Virtual Viral Piggybacking
Elements of Pipe & Drape Cos-TUME Presentation
Early Bird Registration: 10 Wampum.
Platinum Sponsors: MeeBow®, Nostalgex®, CDrivers®, NRG Hookerz!®, and Sandy's Fancy Dance-A-Tron®.
Adam Ruins Everything
Listen. It’s actually very simple.
When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income.
Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and—BOOM—you’re reviving even the most tired franchise.
Sorry about the circumstances but I’m glad we got another episode. Can’t wait to listen to California King 🤪
I’m taking the opportunity to listen again from the start. So good. Can’t wait for new episodes from these guys.
What the actual?
I thought I was seeing things.