Your Stupid Minds Your Stupid Minds

Your Stupid Minds returns to its loose theme of “Sicko Movies from the 1990s” (see: Blank Check, Milk Money, First Kid) with the hilarious premise of “what if an adult woman married a child as a joke?” It’s 1994’s Holy Matrimony, starring Patricia Arquette, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Tate Donovan.
After a life-changing carnival-money heist executed by Havana (Arquette) and her boyfriend Peter (Donovan), the pair retreat to a Canadian Hutterite community to lay low until the heat dies down. Peter is a former member of the community pretending he wants to return to the fold. In order to stay, he and Havana must marry. But when he dies in a car accident, due to their levirate marriage tradition (based on Deuteronomy 25:5), Havana must marry Peter’s 12 year old brother Zeke (Gordon-Levitt) or be cast out. Since she wants to find her heist money, she calls their bluff and marries the child.
The movie descends into some second act zaniness where she learns the value of hard work (or doesn’t), then they must go back to the United States to return the money, and are pursued by a corrupt FBI agent Markoski (John Schuck). Will they return the money? Will anyone learn a lesson? Is this movie as gross as the premise implies? You’ll have to listen to find out!

Your Stupid Minds tackles manuks, saber-tooth tigers, and terror birds in our latest episode that covers Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C., starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, and Cliff Curtis! Featuring returning guest and Steven Strait expert Sarah Dobson Richard!
D’Leh (Strait) is a mammoth (manuk) hunter in the Ural Mountains who has determined he must kill a manuk all by his lonesome to marry Evolet (Belle). He does so, but not under the most ideal conditions, so he attains the White Spear and Evolet’s heart, but with a healthy dose of imposter syndrome.
Then some dudes on horses (with saddles and stirrups and metal weapons, somehow) steal half their tribe and D’Leh is determined to rescue them (mostly Evolet though). He and a few of his tribe mates traverse the smallest Sid Meier’s Civilization map available, from the snowy mountains, damp jungle, and desert, to a city of pyramids run by a creepy god emperor. Can D’Leh unite the slaves into revolt and save his tribe? Can we finish this movie before falling asleep? Did they go out of their way to make this historically inaccurate? Has there ever been a successful caveman movie? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Why should you listen to our latest episode? BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO! We’ve got 2010’s Hunt to Kill starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Eric Roberts (kinda), and various Vancouver-based character actors.
Jim Rhodes (Austin) is a U.S. Border Patrol agent about to assume a new desk job. When his partner Lee (Roberts) is killed in a botched meth lab raid (something Border Patrol does all the time), Rhodes moves to western Montana to be near a different border.
Rhodes’s daughter Kim (Marie Avgeropoulos) is home on winter break and thinks her dad is cringe. When she’s caught shoplifting, he must go down to the Sheriff’s office to bail her out. Meanwhile, a team of the dumbest criminals of all time are betrayed by their leader (?) Lawson (Michael Hogan, Battlestar Galactica’s Saul Tigh, and General Tullius from Skyrim for you Zoomers out there who love 13 year old games), who steals their stolen bonds and sets a bomb to explode. The team defuses the bomb, and now they’re on the hunt to the Canadian border to catch their traitorous partner.
The team consists of the leader Banks (Gil Bellows), blonde lady Dominika (Emilie Ullerup), hacker Geary (Michael Eklund), karate guy Jensen (Gary Daniels), and hothead Crab (Adrian Holmes). To make a long story short, they go to the sheriff for info on Lawson before he sneaks across the northern border. Instead they end up killing him, kidnapping Kim, and taking Rhodes along to track Lawson. We now have a half dozen morons in the woods bickering with each other constantly, and Rhodes waiting for his opportunity to give all of these doofuses a Stone Cold Stunner and save his daughter. Everything goes south (or should I say, north) and Rhodes must resort to hunting to kill. Can I get a “hell yeah?”

What if someone designed a computer program based on a hundred of the worst serial killers, assassins, despots, and also Emperor Hirohito for some reason, used silicon snake technology to make him real, and set him loose in Los Angeles? Also what if this terrifying being was Russell Crowe and you see his butt and he acts like the Joker the entire time? Those are the questions that 1995’s Virtuosity asks. Join us and special returning guest Sarah Long as we deep dive into this ‘90s cyberpunk classic.
Parker Barnes (Denzel Washington) is a former cop wrongfully imprisoned (he did kill two innocent people, but it was an accident and he looked cool while he was doing it) performing tests in a VR environment designed to train cops on what to do if a serial killer creates a hostage situation in a Japanese restaurant. The program kills Barnes’s virtual partner, and then the serial killer program, SID 6.7 (Crowe) is made real and escapes into reality. Though SID is made up of many baddies, the “dominant” personality is that of Matthew Grimes (Christopher Murray), a super terrorist who killed Barnes’s family. Therefore Barnes is the only person who can stop him, so they implant a tracking/kill device into his brain and set him on the hunt.
Barnes’s de facto partner is criminal psychologist Madison Carter (Kelly Lynch), a single mom with a precocious daughter Karin (Kaley Cuoco). I sure hope that kid doesn’t get kidnapped! Will Barnes stop the killer in time? Did he really shoot that woman on the train? Or was it the mass murderer holding her hostage? Why didn't they give that guy clothes before going on TV? And how do you say the name “Fichtner?” Is it like sphincter? All this and more in our latest episode!

Your Stupid Minds is back after a February break with the film that connects us all, it’s 2024’s Madame Web, brought to you by the delicious taste of Pepsi-Cola!
Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a sassy New York EMT who has trouble connecting to people except for her partner Ben (Adam Scott). After a near drowning she unlocks her latent spider power of seeing the future, something spiders are known for.
Meanwhile, Ezekiel Sims (Tahir Rahim), who, and I can’t be certain of this, may have been in the Amazon with Cassie’s mom when she was researching spiders before she died, is on the hunt for three superheroes who kill him in a dream. He utilizes the NSA’s 2003 super-spying technology to track them down. Julia (Sydney Sweeney), Anya (Isabela Merced), and Mattie (Celeste O’Connor) are all on the same train when Cassie gets a vision of their deaths at the hand of Ezekiel. Cassie intervenes and from then on they’re on the run and trying to find answers.

Note: This episode originally aired on April 24, 2015.
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This week, YSM tackles the truly bizarre buddy cop/talking dinosaur movie Theodore Rex. Join us as we wonder whether writer/director Jonathan Betuel got an uncredited plot assist from his four-year-old nephew Tommy and whether Theodore Rex is the most annoying 90s “poochie” protagonist we’ve ever covered. In the near-future, human-sized dinosaurs have been brought back by an eccentric German scientist just to see if he can. Now, the scientist is planning to start another ice age in order to bring in a new society. In the wake of a dino-murder, police officer/publicity stunt diversity hire Theodore Rex is given permission to investigate, along with new partner Katie Coltrane (Goldberg), a tough cop with computer enhancements. Together, they deal with the evil scientist and his henchmen “Edge,” (Stephen McHattie), “Spinner,” (Bud Cort), and “The Toymaker” (Peter Kwong).