7 APR

The Truth About Resentment: 6 Types, Why It Stays, and How to Actually Heal It

Most people treat resentment like something to push away or white-knuckle through. But before you can release it, you need to know what you're actually holding — because not all resentment is the same, and the way you work with each type is completely different. In this episode, we break down six distinct types of resentment, why one of them is actually a loving emotion, why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time, and what the path toward healing actually looks like. What we cover: Why resentment is the perception of being treated unfairly — and why that word matters more than you think The CBT triangle: how your beliefs and perspectives create your feelings, not just the events themselves Six types of resentment: deflected, relational, protective, displaced, inherited, and self-resentment turned outward Why protective resentment blocks genuine repair — even when the other person is actually changing How implicit memory and the nervous system keep old wounds alive in present-day relationships A three-part framework for what to actually do with resentment once you've identified which type you're holding TIMESTAMPS: 00:00 — Why releasing resentment without understanding it doesn't work 01:15 — What resentment actually is: perception, not reality 02:25 — CBT and the triangle: how perspectives create feelings 03:20 — The example: I resent my spouse because they don't care about me 05:00 — Resentment vs. anger: why resentment is waiting for something 05:39 — Intro to the six types 06:03 — Type 1: Deflected resentment 09:44 — Type 2: Relational resentment 12:14 — Type 3: Protective resentment 14:45 — Type 4: Displaced resentment 18:00 — Type 5: Inherited resentment 20:00 — Type 6: Self-resentment turned outward 22:40 — The disempowerment cycle and how to get your power back 23:57 — Why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time 24:40 — Implicit memory and the nervous system 27:27 — The cognitive bias underneath resentment 30:33 — What to do: identify the type, find the belief, understand beliefs are workable 35:04 — The Practice ORDER MY BOOK: Why We Fight is my new book published by HarperOne. The book is a roadmap for understanding the core wound driving your conflict patterns, and how to change them. Available wherever books are sold. 👉 kimpolinder.com/book JOIN THE PRACTICE: The Practice is my weekly community for doing the real work. It's not surface-level self-awareness, but the actual patterns underneath. Join at kimpolinder.substack.com

36 min

27 FEB

When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed: Dismissive vs Anxious Attachment in Conflict

Avoidant attachment isn't one category. Dismissive and fearful avoidant patterns respond very differently in conflict, and using the wrong repair strategy can make things worse. If one of you demands calm and the other escalates to be heard, this episode is for you. Kim covers the real issue beneath tone, intensity, and shutdown: distress tolerance. Timestamps: 00:00 When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed 00:55 This Isn't Incompatibility. It's Capacity. 03:01 What Attachment Theory Is (And Isn't) 05:28 Dismissive vs Fearful Avoidant: The Critical Difference 08:06 Why Repair Depends on the Pattern 09:15 "I Just Want Calm" vs "I Just Want to Be Heard" 11:28 Is Wanting Calm Unreasonable? 12:34 Boundary vs Emotional Control 14:38 The Real Issue: Distress Tolerance 15:03 Why Insight Isn't Enough 17:35 Reps for Anxious Preoccupied Patterns 18:15 Reps for Dismissive Avoidant Patterns 19:05 Reps for Fearful Avoidant Patterns 20:39 Why Skill Requires Practice 21:05 Join The Practice If you're serious about widening your emotional lane instead of having the same fight again next week, my community The Practice is opening soon.

21 min

13 FEB

AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.

More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it's the first place they turn when something feels wrong. So the real question isn't whether AI is good or bad. It's this: Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal? In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns. We cover: • Why AI feels supportive — and why that can be misleading • The difference between insight and integration • How systems are trained to mirror and validate • The risk of comfort without accountability • Why real emotional safety includes friction • How self-trust erodes when authority gets outsourced • Practical ways to configure AI so it challenges you instead of agreeing with you Timestamps 00:00 — Is AI your best friend or your emotional echo chamber? 04:12 — The data: how many people are already using AI for mental health 07:35 — Why AI feels so validating 11:20 — Insight vs. integration: what most people miss 16:45 — Comfort without responsibility 21:10 — Real emotional safety includes friction 25:40 — Where self-trust quietly erodes 29:30 — How to configure ChatGPT to reduce sycophancy 33:10 — Prompts for deeper self-awareness 38:05 — When AI becomes a red flag instead of a tool 41:20 — Growth requires integration Understanding yourself is powerful. But growth happens when your nervous system learns something new. In real relationships, under real conditions. Insight can start the process. Integration is moving from self-awareness to changing your behaviors. This is what changes your life. If this episode resonated and you're realizing insight isn't the same as change, that's exactly what The Practice is built for. It's a community focused on integration. Building nervous system capacity, relational skill, and real-time repair. Not just understanding your patterns, but interrupting them. You can learn more and join the waitlist at kimpolinder.com Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

37 min

6 FEB

Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food

In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what's really going on beneath "food noise," body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when professional support is warranted, and offers a grounded framework for helping both yourself and loved ones without reinforcing shame. This episode is for anyone who feels consumed by food thoughts, stuck in body-based self-worth, or confused about where healing actually begins. Guest: Sarah Burney Licensed in CA, AZ, OR, and PA burneytherapygroup.com Timestamps 00:00 – What "food noise" actually feels like 02:31 – Stress eating, dopamine, and emotional regulation 03:54 – Food as self-soothing vs avoidance 05:06 – When food thoughts cross the line into needing support 05:26 – Medical vs psychological red flags 06:03 – How shame initiates and sustains disordered eating 07:19 – Why changing your body never solves the real problem 08:21 – Is body image ever the root issue? 09:00 – Core beliefs, trauma, and self-worth 10:15 – Why success and appearance don't fix internal distress 11:15 – What treatment actually looks like 12:11 – Body dysmorphia vs negative body image (important distinction) 14:12 – Separating self-worth from self-improvement 15:35 – Being treated differently based on appearance and why it matters 17:18 – Why reaching the "ideal" body doesn't bring relief 21:04 – The belief underneath "I need to look different" 24:33 – Disordered eating vs diagnosable eating disorders 25:26 – Why eating disorders are not about food 26:48 – How loved ones can help without causing harm 29:47 – What to look for in an eating disorder specialist Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

34 min

29 JAN

Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer

In this episode, I'm joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web site: https://www.thedivorceplanner.net/ -------------- Timestamps & topics 00:00 – What a divorce prep coach actually does How divorce prep differs from legal strategy and why preparation before calling a lawyer matters 02:15 – Why people want to "just get it over with" Emotional overwhelm, avoidance, and the risks of making decisions from shutdown or panic 03:50 – Divorce as the end of an imagined future Grief, loss of identity, and facing a blank slate you didn't plan for 06:10 – The emotional pain people underestimate Why sadness, grief, and shame still show up even when divorce is the "right" decision 08:40 – How childhood patterns resurface during divorce Why old narratives about worth, safety, and capability come back online 10:20 – Divorce and confidence collapse Questioning your value, competence, and future, especially for stay-at-home parents 13:05 – Reframing skills, worth, and capability Recognizing transferable skills and rebuilding self-trust 14:45 – Retraining the brain during a destabilizing life transition Awareness, emotional regulation, and building stability when everything feels uncertain 17:00 – Social stigma, family reactions, and judgment Why divorce still carries shame and how others' reactions can complicate healing 19:10 – The most unhelpful things people say during divorce "Well-meaning" comments that actually increase shame and self-doubt 21:30 – How friends can offer real support Listening, practical help, and showing up without trying to fix or judge 24:10 – Letting yourself receive support Why isolation makes divorce harder and how connection actually builds resilience 28:40 – Why you should never negotiate money without knowing your numbers How fear around finances leads to long-term regret 30:10 – The 5-5-5 decision rule Evaluating divorce decisions based on their impact over time, not just immediate relief 32:00 – Final advice for early-stage divorce decisions Why slowing down now protects your future self and prevents costly mistakes later -------------- Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

33 min

21 JAN

Why Insight Isn't Enough to Change Your Behavior

You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you're still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common "false fixes" people rely on when they're trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous system science, and practical reframes, this episode explains why waiting to feel calm, trying to be perfect, forcing yourself through hard moments, or endlessly consuming self-help content often backfires. The focus is not on fixing yourself, but on building emotional capacity: the ability to stay present with discomfort, repair when things go sideways, and stop turning one hard moment into a verdict about who you are. Timestamps & Topics [00:00:00] – The Conundrum: Why self-awareness doesn't change behavior. [00:01:39] – Defining Capacity: Why change requires extreme discomfort. [00:02:48] – False Fix #1: Waiting to feel calm or "ready" before acting. [00:03:59] – False Fix #2: The perfectionism trap and the cost of "doing it right". [00:06:50] – False Fix #3: Forcing exposure without a support system. [00:08:45] – Pausing to Avoid vs. Pausing to Build Capacity. [00:14:09] – False Fix #4: Searching for the "Golden Key" of insight. [00:16:40] – Short-term relief vs. Long-term training of the nervous system. [00:19:35] – Why willpower fails under emotional threat. [00:22:00] – Compassionate Curiosity: How to stop abandoning yourself. [00:24:37] – Why we lose access to our skills when triggered. [00:27:13] – The Lab Partner: The necessity of community and repair. [00:29:14] – Invitation to the Virtual Cohort: Building capacity in real-time. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

32 min

15 JAN

Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most

In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn't about productivity, discipline, or time management. It's about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn't laziness. It's protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects procrastination to emotional attunement, identity, shutdown, people-pleasing, catastrophizing, and the fear of inner collapse. She also explains why insight alone doesn't change behavior, and what actually has to shift for real movement to happen. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Rage, triggers, and decades of stored emotional memory 00:25 – Why feeling misunderstood cuts so deeply 00:52 – Procrastination isn't about time management 02:29 – Procrastination around hard conversations 03:01 – Mistakes, shame, and fragile self-esteem 05:28 – What self-esteem actually is (and isn't) 06:25 – Emotional attunement explained 07:37 – Why "they'll never understand me" isn't true 08:10 – Childhood emotional neglect and minimization 09:14 – Avoidant coping and jumping to solutions 09:57 – Why being sat with matters 10:27 – Religion, conflict avoidance, and emotional bypassing 11:30 – Biology of trauma and implicit memory 12:33 – Adoption, abandonment, and cognitive bias 13:46 – Anger as a lifelong trigger 14:52 – Suppression vs expression of emotion 15:41 – Coping mechanisms and shutdown 16:24 – Anxious vs avoidant responses in conflict 18:28 – Catastrophizing and control 19:13 – Why anxiety feels protective 23:14 – Childhood roles: good child, peacemaker, achiever 26:25 – Waiting until you're angry to speak 29:12 – Why your partner isn't the whole cause 30:07 – Shutdown as self-protection, not punishment 31:05 – Why insight doesn't change behavior 33:11 – Reframing hard conversations 36:16 – How family freezes you in old identities 37:35 – Why growth feels threatening 38:05 – Holding competing emotions about parents 39:22 – Letting go of old identities 40:05 – Why growth feels risky, not empowering 41:18 – What actually reduces procrastination 42:09 – Questions to ask yourself about avoidance 44:58 – Pay attention to what you avoid 45:26 – What avoidance is protecting –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck despite insight, avoid hard conversations, or keep postponing the things that matter most to you. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

46 min

28/11/2023

Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself

In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Listener questions preview • Communicating with avoidant partners • Self-doubt and confidence • Relationships and depression 02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion) 03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change 05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action 06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors 08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue 10:20 – Taking accountability for change 11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners 13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics 15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem 17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins 19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other 22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability 24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed 27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided 29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk 31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner 34:10 – When communication tools stop working 36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment 38:45 – When it may be time to walk away 41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future 43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism 45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth 47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt 50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose 52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality 55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment 58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you 01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth 01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose 01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly 01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple 01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain 01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics 01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance 01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor 01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling 01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility 01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

39 min

Engineering Love

The Truth About Resentment: 6 Types, Why It Stays, and How to Actually Heal It

When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed: Dismissive vs Anxious Attachment in Conflict

AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.

Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food

Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer

Why Insight Isn't Enough to Change Your Behavior

Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most

Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself

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Engineering Love

Episodes

The Truth About Resentment: 6 Types, Why It Stays, and How to Actually Heal It

When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed: Dismissive vs Anxious Attachment in Conflict

AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.

Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food

Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer

Why Insight Isn't Enough to Change Your Behavior

Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most

Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself

About

Information

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