The Unburdened Leader

Rebecca Ching, LMFT
  • 4.5 (4)
  • Self-Improvement
  • Updated Semimonthly

Meet leaders who recognized their own pain, worked through it, and stepped up into greater leadership. Each week, we dive into how leaders like you deal with struggle and growth so that you can lead without burnout or loneliness. If you're eager to make an impact in your community or business, Rebecca Ching, LMFT, will give you practical strategies for redefining challenges and vulnerability while becoming a better leader. Find the courage, confidence, clarity, and compassion to step up for yourself and your others--even when things feel really, really hard.

  1. 3d ago

    EP 156 - Stop Exiling Yourself: Dr. Jamie Marich on Dissociation, Authenticity, and High Performance

    Some words and experiences come with a lot of baggage, conjuring up fear, stigma, and shame. But being afraid or ashamed doesn’t protect us from those experiences or those words. It just keeps us from really understanding them or being able to talk about them. And what we can’t process for ourselves, we can’t help those we love and lead with either. In the clinical space, dissociation is one of those words and experiences that is met with a lot of discomfort. How people were taught and trained to address dissociation often perpetuates shame and stigma, and its pop culture depictions and usage haven’t helped either. But my guest today has spent her career making the case that dissociation isn’t rare, or even necessarily pathological; it’s actually a common and deeply human experience that ranges from everyday zoning out to more complex presentations that do need support. And as you’ll hear, Dr. Jamie Marich believes understanding this spectrum isn’t just a matter of clinical education, but is vital for our own self-knowledge and how we lead others. Dr. Jamie Marich, PhD, LPCC-S, REAT (she/they) began her career as a humanitarian aid worker in Bosnia-Herzegovina from 2000-2003, primarily teaching English and music. Jamie travels internationally teaching on topics related to trauma, EMDR therapy, expressive arts, mindfulness, and yoga, while maintaining a private practice and online education operations in her home base of Akron, OH. Marich is the founder of the Institute for Creative Mindfulness and the developer of the Dancing Mindfulness approach to expressive arts therapy, and the author of several books on EMDR, dissociation, mindfulness, recovery, and more. Listen to the full episode to hear: The stakes of identifying as having a dissociative disorder, and why Jamie felt it was vital for them speak up anywayHow no longer being “zipped in” has given Jamie access to true authenticity and flow in her personal and professional livesDefining dissociation at its most basic, and how and why it shows up in everyday situationsWhy having parts is not necessarily pathological and why for some people those entities become so distinctThe most persistent and harmful myths about dissociative disorders, for both patients and providersWhy Jamie starts trainings with having people learn to recognize their own dissociative tendenciesWhy DID is not a TikTok fad, and why more recognition and discussion is better than ignoranceLearn more about Dr. Jamie Marich: WebsiteRedefine TherapyThe Institute for Creative MindfulnessInstagram: @drjamiem, @traumatherapistrants TikTok: @traumatherapistrantsYouTube: @DrJamieMMDissociation Made Simple: A Stigma-Free Guide to Embracing Your Dissociative Mind and Navigating Daily LifeLearn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources: Coming Out As Plural - Psychotherapy NetworkerFighting Dissociation Phobia and Coming Out as a Professional with a Dissociative DisorderAm I In A Therapy Cult?Decolonizing Therapy: Oppression, Historical Trauma, and Politicizing Your Practice, Jennifer Mullan, PsyDJasmine Adams, LCSW, PMH-C - The Institute for Creative MindfulnessPlural Pride Meets LGBTQ+ Pride: Webinar ReplayPlural Pride Meets LGBTQ+ Pride: Katie Keech and Dr. Jamie MarichHealing Dissociative Identity Disorder - Psychotherapy NetworkerTruth Demands: A Memoir of Murder, Oil Wars, and the Rise of Climate Justice, Abby Reyes"Your Heart Knows the Way Home," Te MartinThe TestamentsThe Late Show with Stephen ColbertJohn R. MabryChapters:

    1h 10m

  2. May 22

    EP 155: Hidden Cost of Caretaking at Work: Nilofer Merchant on Invisible Norms Limiting Your Leadership

    Every system we move through runs on norms: rules and agreements that are both explicit and implicit. And nowhere are they more powerful–or more invisible–than in how we lead and how we build our businesses.  In fact, sociologists have consistently found that norms don’t announce themselves.  They travel through families, schools, workplaces, and entire cultures through repetition and imitation, often persisting long after the conditions that created them have changed. We absorb them before we can name them. And once they are inside us, they feel like “just the way things are.” In leadership development the norms run so deep we have mistaken them for truth. As a result, the model leader–despite decades of language to the contrary–still looks and sounds like a very particular kind of person. My guest today offers that leadership development has been trying to make better leaders for a broken system, rather than questioning whether the system itself needs to change.  Nilofer Merchant has spent her career making the invisible visible–naming the norms, the systems, the daily routines that keep us collectively stuck. In this conversation, we go deep on the difference between caring and caretaking, what it means to trust yourself when the ground keeps disappearing, and what it actually takes to stop trying to fix what is not working and become someone who builds what is needed, right where you are. Nilofer Merchant is the co-founder of Intangible Labs. She spent over 25 years leading technology companies (Apple, Autodesk, GoLive/Adobe) and personally launched over 100 products and services, netting $18 billion in revenues. She is ranked among the top 50 influential management thinkers in the world (one of her TED Talks has been referenced 300 million times). Our Best Work is her 4th book. Listen to the full episode to hear: Why accepting our current norms won’t get leaders where they want to goHow what we call personal agency is in reality socially constructed and drivenWhy we need more real care and less caretaking in our relationships at work and in lifeHow teams can shift towards situational leadership and recentering how we think about the unique value and capabilities individuals bringHow ownership, shared purpose, and co-creation help us build new systems, unstuck from the status quoNilofer’s lessons about self-trust, taking risks, and approaching the future of work with hope Learn more about Nilofer Merchant: WebsiteThe Intangible LabsInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/nilofer/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nilofer.merchantConnect on LinkedInOur Best Work: Break Free from the 24 Invisible Norms That Limit Us Learn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email Resources: The Power of Onlyness: Make Your Wild Ideas Mighty Enough to Dent the WorldMary Parker FollettMother Mary Comes to Me, Arundhati RoyThe God of Small Things, Arundhati RoyPrizefighter - Mumford & SonsLaw & OrderDire Straits - Money For NothingDuran Duran - Hungry like the WolfThe Curiosity Shop with Brené Brown and Adam Grant Chapters: (00:07) - Introduction (12:12) - Why Norms Persist (15:17) - Making the Hard Changes (16:42) - Personal Agency is Not Persona (19:31) - Servant to Situational Leadership (23:44) - Care vs Caretaking (32:37) - Making it Practical: Power of Onlines (39:38) - Uncertainty and Control (43:20) - AI, Layoffs, and Control (46:33) - Build The New Village (48:29) - Ownership Over Accountability (53:03) - Trusting Your Instinct (57:29) - Walking Toward Yourself (01:01:06) - Hope As Liberation (01:04:06) - Quickfire Questions (01:10:44) - How To Connect (01:11:33) - Closing Thoughts

    1h 14m

  3. May 8

    EP 154: Leading from Safety, Not Survival: Deb Dana on Co-Regulation and Leadership

    It is hard to be human. And right now, it is even harder to be humane, to ourselves and to others. And so many high-achieving, deeply caring leaders are under pressure to stay regulated, calm, and adaptable, no matter what they’re facing. They look serene on the outside, but internally? They feel like a hot mess.  They mask what they’re feeling and push through so they can try to be the person, friend, leader they want to be. They fake regulation at the expense of their actual wellbeing. As the language of modalities like IFS and polyvagal theory has spread into the culture, the concepts have been distorted and even weaponized to police others and encourage self-editing, silencing, and hypervigilance. The exact opposite of cultivating the safety, connection, and practices that support a resilient nervous system. Today, polyvagal-theory expert Deb Dana is back to talk with me about what the culture so often gets wrong about nervous system regulation, why we need to plan for how to approach repair and reconnection when we inevitably make mistakes, and how to protect our compassion and curiosity about all the other kinds of nervous systems we encounter out in the world. Deb Dana, LCSW, is a clinician, consultant, author, and international lecturer on polyvagal theory-informed work with trauma survivors and is the leading translator of this scientific work to the public and mental health professionals. She's a founding member of the Polyvagal Institute and creator of the signature Rhythm of Regulation® clinical training series. Deb's work shows us how understanding polyvagal theory applies across the board to relationships, mental health, and trauma. She delves into the intricacies of how we can all use and understand the organizing principles of polyvagal theory to change the ways we navigate our daily lives. Listen to the full episode to hear: Why we can’t ignore our fundamental need for connection and co-regulationHow leaders can take steps to acknowledge and normalize the diversity of nervous systems and needs on their teamsHow to plan ahead for moments when you feel disconnected or dysregulatedWhy the goal is not to be regulated at all times and shifting states is just dataWhy identifying the worries underlying our patterns of states and behaviors is the first step to shifting themWhy leaders need to tend to their own systems, both for their wellbeing and to model safety for others Learn more about Deb Dana: Rhythm of Regulation Learn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email Resources: The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth, Amy C. EdmondsonStephen PorgesPolyvagal-Informed Restorative Movement: Psychotherapy Roots, Rhythm, and Reciprocity, Amber Elizabeth GrayProject Hail MaryField of Dreams Chapters:(00:07) - Introduction (06:36) - Meet Deb Dana (08:57) - The Fundamentals of Co-Regulation (13:42) - Survival vs. Safety (17:36) - Leading Diverse Nervous Systems (19:34) - Two AM Connection Plans (22:55) - Polyvagal Hierarchy Explained (25:36) - Build Your Regulation Menu (34:05) - Micro Moments And Glimmers (37:28) - Safe Enough And Curiosity (40:41) - Protecting Curiosity Under Stress (42:45) - Neck Up Trauma Patterns (47:27) - Home Away From Home and Our Nervous System (55:24) - Safety for Leaders Today (01:01:00) - Quick Fire Favorites (01:06:09) - How To Connect (01:06:51) - Closing Thoughts

    1h 11m

  4. Apr 24

    EP 153: Power Dynamics and Personal Power: Dr. Amanda Aguilera on the Right Use of Power

    The way you relate to power is the way you relate to everything around and within you–your work, your people, your sense of what's possible. And most of us have never actually examined that relationship. And in this season we are in, when everything is changing so quickly, any unexamined beliefs we hold will quietly run the show. They will shape the risks we take, the rooms we walk into, and the moments we either step up or shrink back.  If we don’t have something to ground us internally to our values, our body, our nervous system, and our beliefs, we run the risk of looking to external validation and trying to control everyone and everything around us. We do damage control and play nice at the expense of real connection and progress. Which is why I am thrilled to welcome back Dr. Amanda Aguilera to talk more about the Right Use of Power framework for personal power and her new book, Shaping Power for Good: Wayfinding to Right Relationship. She reminds us that staying rooted and using our personal power for good isn’t a box to be checked, but a continuous practice and commitment to ourselves and our relationships.  Dr. Amanda Aguilera currently serves as the Executive Director of the Right Use of Power Institute and co-leader of Sacred Wayfinding. She has dedicated most of her career to helping people and organizations understand systems, conflict, and social power dynamics to create right relationships and a sense of belonging. She has a knack for making difficult conversations easier, complex ideas more accessible, and resistance more workable. Integrating power, contemplative practices, neurobiology, and restorative practices, she works by finding a balance of head and heart and facilitating the co-creation of strategic maps that lead us forward in a more equitable way. Listen to the full episode to hear: Defining the six core types of power through the lens of relationships to others, ourselves, and the collectiveHow four essential aspects of being in right relationship show up in us and othersWhy checking in on power and relationships starts with connecting to our bodies How committing to being in right relationship helps us overcome how we’ve been socialized to access power and belongingWhy right relationship fundamentally starts with ourselves, our boundaries, and our valuesHow each of us can use our power for good, conscientiously and in alignment with our valuesLearn more about Dr. Amanda Aguilera: Right Use of Power InstituteInstagram: @rightuseofpowerinstituteShaping Power for Good: Wayfinding to Right RelationshipLearn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources: ParenthoodEP 88: Right-Use-of-Power: Navigating Leadership Dynamics with Dr. Cedar BarstowEP 125: Power, Regulation, and Leadership: Connecting to Your Personal Power with Dr. Amanda AguileraBelonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides, Geoffrey L. CohenEP 149: Interrupting the Fawning Trauma Response: Leadership, Safety, and Self-Trust with Dr. Ingrid ClaytonMaya Angelou's 1992 Commencement Address at Spelman CollegeIn the Absence of the Ordinary Soul Work for Times of Uncertainty, Francis WellerChico Gospel - ma museHannah GadsbyChapters: (00:00) - Introduction (08:20) - Meet Dr. Aguilera (09:02) - Six Types of Power (17:25) - Rooted vs Socialized Power (23:09) - Right Relationship (27:56) - Checking in with Your Body (30:03) - Checking with your Why (35:51) - The Messy Truth of Power (38:48) - Showing up in Relationship Differently (41:08) - Up Power, Down Power (45:25) - Shaping Power For Good (49:49) - Double Loop Learning (52:10) - Quick Fire Favorites (55:49) - How To Connect (56:38) - Closing Thoughts

    1 hr

  5. Apr 10

    EP 152: Trauma Happens When We're Left Alone: Chris Burris on Psychological Safety and IFS in Groups

    You have probably heard of the concept of psychological safety and what it takes to foster it on your team and in spaces you lead. Maybe you’ve read books or taken trainings.  Here’s the tricky thing: psychological safety is an emergent quality of the group environment, shaped by leadership behaviors and team norms. You, as the leader, are a key variable.  So when you walk into a high-stakes meeting, and your self-protective parts are running the show? It impacts everyone around you and whether they can experience psychological safety. The only way that we can cultivate psychological safety outside of us, is to cultivate self-leadership within. When we can move from a place of authenticity and courage, rather than discomfort or fear, the people around us feel seen, heard, and connected. They have trust. They feel safe. Today my guest and I are talking about what it actually takes to lead groups and teams well, and the hard, necessary work of leading yourself first.  Chris Burris, M.Ed., LCMHCS, LMFT, is a Senior Lead Trainer for the Internal Family Systems Institute. He has spent decades bringing the IFS model into groups and teams,  not just the therapy room. He has trained close to 200 facilitators across 18 group facilitator trainings worldwide. He is the author of Creating Healing Circles: Using the Internal Family Systems Model in Facilitating Groups.  Listen to the full episode to hear: How empathy, tempered with understanding our purpose and boundaries, helps us lead betterWhy recognizing and acknowledging others’ emotions is not the same as taking responsibility for themWhat changes when leaders make an effort to understand the deeper origins of behaviorsHow IFS provides a model for addressing conflict in groups The importance of learning to recognize when you’re activated and suggestions for approaching repair with others when neededHow team leaders can shape dynamics that are clear, purposeful, and supportive, even through disagreements and differencesLearn more about Chris Burris: WebsiteLearn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources: The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth, Amy C EdmondsonCarl RogersIntraconnected: Mwe (Me + We) as the Integration of Self, Identity, and Belonging, Daniel J. Siegel MDBillie Eilish - ocean eyesAvatar

    1h 2m

  6. Mar 27

    EP 151: Why Networking Feels Gross and How to Build Relationships That Actually Last with Monique Kelley

    When you think of networking, do you feel discomfort or even dread? Most of us learned that “networking” is fundamentally transactional, asking for and doling out favors in order to further our aims. Maybe you or someone you know is the type to be constantly trying to connect people to prove their own worth, or counting themselves out because they feel like they have nothing to offer. That’s the kind of networking that makes us go, “Ugh, I’d rather stay home.” But networking can be about building real, powerful connections. And we need relationships, networks, and communities more than ever.  And you don’t have to be a dedicated extrovert. You can cultivate a way of building connections and community that works for your nervous system and your lifestyle. The goal is discernment–knowing when to give, when to receive, and trusting that you have something worth bringing. As my guest today shares, if we want to redefine networking, it starts with checking our biases and our burdens about what and who networking is and who it’s for.  Monique Kelley is a trusted, purpose-driven professor at Boston University, a consultant and published author who serves in a fractional capacity for Fortune 50 and global biopharmaceutical companies seeking a strategic corporate, product or executive communications head who advances business objectives and alleviates their headaches. Professor Kelley wrote the book (literally) on effective networking, Redefining Networking: How to Lead with Your Unique Value. She is also a Boston Founding Member of women C-suite and executive community CHIEF. Monique has built a strong network that she taps into for her consulting, referrals for her former coworkers and opportunities for her students and industry peers. At BU, she teaches the first and only Career Readiness course within the College of Communication. She teaches students and professionals alike her approach to effective networking and has facilitated “lead with your value” workshops for corporations and professional organizations, including Johnson & Johnson's Global Commercial Strategy Organization and Ticket to Biotech. Listen to the full episode to hear: How to reach out without making it transactionalWhy networking should start with people you already know, not strangersSimple steps for connecting and communicating your unique valueWhy you have to take the time to build equity and trust before making an askWhy reciprocity and long-term relationships are the real goals of networkingHow thinking about what you can contribute in return can take the pressure off asking for help Learn more about Monique Kelley: Redefining NetworkingConnect on LinkedInRedefining Networking; How to Lead with Your Unique Value Learn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email Resources: My journey to find friends helped me find community instead | Shannon WattsDorie ClarkAdam GrantThe Devil Emails at Midnight: What Good Leaders Can Learn from Bad Bosses, Mita MallickEP 139: Bad Bosses Aren’t Born, They’re Made: Breaking Toxic Leadership Cycles with Mita MallickThe RootsJohn Candy: I Like Me

    1h 7m

  7. Mar 13

    EP 150: The Leadership Practice of Joy: Shabnam Mogharabi on Story and Service

    Story is our brain’s first language. And our minds fill in a story’s blanks long before the facts catch up. Before we consciously interpret an event, our nervous system has already scanned for threat and sent that information to our brains, which in turn builds a narrative about what it means. We’re constantly interpreting events, and not always accurately.  Research has shown that negative information carries more psychological weight than positive information. That bias isn’t a flaw–it’s survival wiring.  But what protects us biologically can distort us relationally. Unexamined stories shape our leadership. They shape how we interpret feedback. They shape how we respond to conflict. They shape culture. They shape trust. Which is why reclaiming “storyteller” as a skill set matters. Good storytelling connects to our capacity for joy, along with our ability to connect to what is truly authentic for us, which plays a role in the stories we tell ourselves and others.  Today’s guest digs into how to become a better storyteller—with yourself and with others—why joy is a skill that helps regulate our state and expand capacity, and how connecting to our authenticity is essential to telling good stories.  Shabnam Mogharabi is an entertainment executive, producer, and New York Times bestselling author with 20 years of experience in mission-driven media. She is currently the founder of The Joy Brigade, a boutique production company, and also serves as Executive Director at Soul Boom, which creates media to ignite a spiritual revolution. Prior to that, Shabnam was an EVP at film company Participant and also co-founded the uplifting content studio SoulPancake with actor Rainn Wilson, which she ran as CEO for nearly a decade, amassing one billion video views. She has a certificate in positive psychology and believes joy is transformational. Listen to the full episode to hear: Why joy is not about bypassing, but actually helps us navigate and weather our hardest daysThe difference between experiencing the emotion of happiness and cultivating the tools and practices of joyThree tools Shabnam returns to over and over in her own life to reset her perspectiveWhy we have to play the long game with joy practices through consistency and timeKey elements that make for an impactful story, and why you don’t need to be an artist or writer to hone your storytelling skillsHow Shabnam built and sustains the trust at the foundation of her 17-year creative partnership with Rainn Wilson Learn more about Shabnam Mogharabi: WebsiteThe Joy BrigadeSoul BoomConnect on LinkedIn Learn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email Resources: Soul Boom Workbook: Spiritual Tools for Modern LivingThe Vanishing Half, Brit BennettMan's Search for Meaning, Viktor E. FranklThe GooniesIndiana Jones and the Last CrusadeWhen Harry Met SallySpaceballs

    1h 5m

  8. Feb 27

    EP 149: Interrupting the Fawning Trauma Response: Leadership, Safety, and Self-Trust with Dr. Ingrid Clayton

    Most of us know about the “fight, flight, freeze” responses to trauma. But there is another concept that has been steadily gaining awareness over the last several years, in large part due to pop psychology on social media: Fawning. You might have heard it described as akin to extreme people-pleasing, over-accommodating, over-functioning, and fundamentally a problem in the person doing the fawning. But as my guest today illuminates for us, it’s not a personal failing, or even always a conscious choice.  It is human nature to prioritize safety and connection, and fawning is a means of keeping ourselves safe. But when fawning runs the show, self-leadership diminishes and quietly drifts toward conflict-avoiding, blurred boundaries, and self-abandonment. Waking up to your fawning response takes courage. You will meet resistance from some as you shift the dynamics of your relationships. But it also unlocks deeper intimacy, more honest connection, and the joy that comes from trusting yourself and letting others meet the real you. This conversation invites you to consider where and with whom you fawn, and how you might want to respond in the future. Fawning has a real purpose when safety is on the line, but the more we are aware of it, the more we can be intentional about how we show up in our relationships. Ingrid Clayton is a licensed clinical psychologist with a master’s degree in transpersonal psychology and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. In her private practice in Los Angeles she supports individuals in healing trauma, reclaiming agency, and reconnecting to their authentic selves. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today, and her work has been featured in Oprah Daily, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Forbes, 10% Happier with Dan Harris, Girls Gotta Eat, and NPR’s On Point with Meghna Chakrabarti. Ingrid’s latest book, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, explores the often-overlooked fawn response to trauma. Listen to the full episode to hear: Why fawning shows up as an unconscious response to ongoing relational traumaHow understanding fawning helped Ingrid understand and heal from her own complex traumaHow our culture demands and reinforces fawning for women and marginalized peopleThe often very real bind of choosing safety over self and the feedback loop it createsAccessible practices to build a sense of internal safety and self-trustHow chronic fawning and self-abandonment contribute to burnout Learn more about Ingrid Clayton, PhD: WebsiteInstagram: @ingridclaytonphdFacebook: @ingridclaytonphdYouTube: @ingridclaytonphdUnfawning on SubstackFawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves–and How to Find Our Way BackBelieving Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma Learn more about Rebecca: rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email Resources: What Is the Fawning Trauma Response? | Psychology TodayPeter LevineThe Greatest Showman Cast - This Is MeThe Traitors

    1h 11m
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About

Meet leaders who recognized their own pain, worked through it, and stepped up into greater leadership. Each week, we dive into how leaders like you deal with struggle and growth so that you can lead without burnout or loneliness. If you're eager to make an impact in your community or business, Rebecca Ching, LMFT, will give you practical strategies for redefining challenges and vulnerability while becoming a better leader. Find the courage, confidence, clarity, and compassion to step up for yourself and your others--even when things feel really, really hard.

Information

  • Creator
    Rebecca Ching, LMFT
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2026
  • Episodes
    157
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2023 The Unburdened Leader
  • Show Website
    The Unburdened Leader

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