Girls in middle school are doing two things at the same time that are hard to see from the outside: normalizing being objectified, and feeling careful. In this episode we look at how the same ideology shaping boys lands on girls, in the classroom, in their friendships, and in how they learn to take up space. And at every kid who doesn't fit the rigid binary this ideology depends on, who tends to get targeted first. To read more about the school-level relationship between manosphere engagement and girls' experiences of discrimination and depression see Bunce, Zendle & Over, 2024; and Over et al., 2025. For data on the resurgence of homophobic language in schools see Just Like Us, 2024. PARENT RESOURCE GUIDE WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER MAY BE EXPERIENCING Being pre-categorized (Stacy, Becky) before boys have a real conversation with her Feeling that assertiveness or confidence gets coded as 'stuck up' or 'hypergamous' Noticing that friendliness toward boys gets complicated in ways it didn't used to Moderating her own enthusiasm, confidence, or directness without knowing why Hearing 'gay' used as an insult - directed at her, at others, or just in the ambient culture If queer or nonbinary: experiencing her identity specifically targeted by this framework, not just caught in the crossfire Watching a boy she knows change in how he talks about girls after spending more time online Being expected to manage how boys feel about being turned down CONVERSATION STARTERS: "I've been thinking about what it's like to be a girl at your school right now -socially, not academically. What would you want me to understand about it?" "Have you noticed any shift in how some of the boys in your grade talk about girls? Like, any language that feels new or kind of off?" "I want to ask you something and I genuinely want your honest answer, not the reassuring one: do you feel like the boys in your class see you — like, actually you — or do you feel more like a category to them?" FOR QUEER, NONBINARY, OR GENDER-NONCONFORMING DAUGHTERS: "I want to make sure I understand what you're actually navigating at school — not just the obvious stuff. What does it feel like to be you there right now?" "Have you been hearing more homophobic language lately? I've seen some data suggesting it's back in a lot of schools and I want to know if you're experiencing that." "There's a system behind a lot of what you encounter — it's not random cruelty. Do you want me to tell you what I know about it? It might make some things make more sense." ON SETTING LIMITS AND KNOWING HER OWN WORTH: "I want to say something directly: you don't owe anyone a soft enough no that they feel okay about it. Your no is yours." "What does it feel like when someone actually treats you with respect? Who do you feel that with?" "If a friend described how a boy was treating her, would you think that was okay? Because sometimes it's easier to see clearly when it's not about us." REFLECTION QUESTIONS FOR PARENTS 1. What do I actually know about my daughter's social life with boys -not who she likes, but how they treat her day to day? 2. Have I said explicitly, out loud, that she doesn't owe anyone management of their feelings about her choices? 3. Have I noticed her moderating herself — enthusiasm, confidence, directness — in ways that feel new? 4. If she's queer or nonbinary: am I naming the system she's navigating, not just validating individual incidents? 5. Does she see me setting clear limits on how I'm treated, without apologizing for it? 6. Am I treating 'gay' as an insult the same way I'd treat any other slur -consistently, every time - or letting it slide? KEY RESEARCH SOURCES Bunce, A., Zendle, D., & Over, H. (2024). Manosphere engagement and adolescent mental health. Child and Adolescent Mental Health. Just Like Us. (2024). Homophobic Language in Primary Schools Survey — 4,307 pupils. justlikeus.org GLSEN National School Climate Survey (2021). glsen.org Over, H. et al. (2025). The manosphere and young people's mental health. Child and Adolescent Mental Health. Tanner, S. & Gillardin, F. (2025). Toxic Communication on TikTok: Sigma Masculinities and Gendered Disinformation.
