Welcome back to the Flip Your Mindset Substack! I recently sat down for a raw, honest conversation with Dr. Bethany Bilodeau, an expert in human behavior. I actually found Bethany scrolling on social media because she was speaking the exact same language I use with my clients. I had been researching literature to help the parents I work with, and everything she was saying aligned perfectly with what I was looking for. I had to get her on the show, and this conversation completely shifted my perspective. If you are a parent or educator feeling overwhelmed by challenging behaviors, this episode is going to change how you look at everything. Bethany is a behaviorist, but she does not rely on traditional behavior modification tactics like forced compliance. Instead, she focuses on finding out where a person feels unsafe and what underlying needs are not being met. Here is a breakdown of the core lessons from our powerful conversation. Behavior is a Smoke Signal, Not a Character Flaw Parents often come to me when their children are having meltdowns, struggling to focus, or showing complete apathy. In the traditional mental health model, these children are frequently slapped with labels like ADHD, ADD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Bethany views these actions through a completely different lens. She argues that behavior is simply a sign or a “smoke signal” that something is off. At our most basic level, humans are mammals. When an animal in the wild feels unsafe, it reacts with survival instincts like fight, flight, freeze, or submit. We are no different. Behaviors are adaptations to survive circumstances, and absolutely no child is born a problem. People love to say, “Oh, I’m just this way.” B******t. Everybody has learned how to survive their environments. The True Meaning of “Safety” Safety is the entire missing link when it comes to addressing behavior. But a lack of safety does not just mean physical danger. Bethany explained to me that a nervous system can feel threatened by a variety of hidden factors: * Environmental Triggers: A child’s nervous system might feel unsafe due to loud heating systems, fluorescent overhead lighting, or even toxic mold in the home. * Relational Disconnection: Children have a foundational need to know they matter and are lovable. If we are physically present but emotionally distracted by text messages or our phones, it can send a signal to the child’s body that they are not safe. * Neuroception: This is when the body senses something is off before the conscious mind is even aware of it. It is that feeling of the hair on your arms standing up. Rethinking Trauma and Diagnoses Trauma plays a massive, often ignored role in behavior. Bethany noted something that literally made me stop in my tracks: if you have been born, you have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. She gave a profound example regarding a 17-year-old student who was adopted at birth. That child experienced relinquishment trauma because her body biologically sensed she had been removed from her source of origin. The nervous system reacts to this deep sense of abandonment and rejection, which can lead to extreme fight or flight reactions. These reactions are routinely misdiagnosed as ADHD or Bipolar Disorder. Even Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is completely misunderstood. It actually comes from a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate gyrus. When a child cannot shift or move forward because they do not feel safe, their automatic response is to shut down and say “no.” It is not defiance; it is a lack of perceived safety. The Danger of Compliance Models Traditional compliance models are dangerous because they force kids to stuff their emotions down. Bethany shared her own experience of being diagnosed with ADHD as a child. She was repeatedly told by well-meaning teachers to sit down and shut up, which caused her to stifle her true energy and identity for years. Changing an identity is terrifying for a child. A kid known for having meltdowns might be scared to become a “better person” because their bad behavior currently yields a predictable response from the adults around them. The crisis feels normal to them. They fear that if they change, they might lose the love and acceptance they rely on. The Ultimate Takeaway We cannot heal what we do not understand. If the goal is just to modify a child’s behavior with positive reinforcement, you are screwed. You will fail because you are never addressing the core wound. I am viscerally passionate about this. I want to scream it from the rooftops because I hate seeing people being judged when all they are trying to do is survive the world. We need less judgment and more compassion. Instead of looking at a struggling child and asking “What is wrong with you?”, we must start asking “What happened to you?” To hear our full conversation, check out the latest episode of Flip Your Mindset. You can also find Dr. Bethany Bilodeau’s tools for educators and caregivers using the links below: * Get Dr. Bethany Bilodeau’s Book: “Ease the Pain in the Classroom: A Guide to Safety and Regulation”: https://www.thebehaviorbootcamp.com/ * Visit The Behavior Bootcamp: https://www.thebehaviorbootcamp.com/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe
