How to Diffuse Conflict with Combative Teens: The Secret to Resolving Tension

Tired of constant arguments with your teen? You’re not alone! In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with conflict resolution expert Hesha Abrams to reveal practical techniques for defusing conflict and improving communication with combative teens. Learn how power struggles fuel arguments, why emotional regulation is key, and how a simple “do-over” can repair relationships. If you’re ready to stop the battles and start connecting, this episode is for you!

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

• The surprising role power dynamics play in teen conflicts
• Techniques to calm heated situations before they escalate
• Why validation is a game-changer in communication
• How to redirect destructive behavior before it spirals
• The power of modeling emotional regulation for your teen

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

1. Parenting is tough—grace and patience go a long way.
2. Conflict is often about power struggles—understanding this can help.
3. Teaching teens to manage big emotions is essential.
4. Modeling good behavior is more powerful than lecturing.
5. Perfection isn’t the goal—building a strong connection is.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

• Book: Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension by Hesha Abrams

EPISODE CHAPTERS

• 00:00 Introduction to Conflict Resolution with Teens
• 03:35 Understanding Power Dynamics in Conflict
• 10:13 Navigating Teen Conflicts
• 20:54 The Importance of Modeling Behavior
• 32:52 Redirecting Destructive Behavior

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Hesha Abrams

• Website: www.holdingthecalm.com
• Facebook: @HeshaAbramsHoldingTheCalm
• Instagram: @holdingthecalmbook

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

• Website: AskDrCam.com
• Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
• TikTok: @the.teen.translator
• YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
• Facebook: @DrCamCaswell

THE FULL TRANSCRIPT

Welcome back parents, Dr. Cam here. And in today's episode, we are diving into the secret to defusing conflict with combative teens with a renowned conflict resolution expert, Haysha Abrams. Haysha is an international acclaimed attorney and mediator known for her success in resolving high profile cases with some of the world's biggest companies, including Google, Amazon, Facebook, and Pepsi. I've heard of a few of those. 

She's also the author of the popular new book, Holding the Calm, the Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension. Today, Hayshia is going to share some practical, easy -to -use techniques to diffuse tension and resolve conflict, not just for our teens, but with anyone. Welcome, Hayshia. Thank you so much for joining us. Can you just start with your backstory? How did you get start in conflict resolution?

Hesha Abrams (00:48)

My pleasure. Well, what I want to start with, especially for a podcast like yours, because I do business podcasts all the time. But what I tell people is I'm a lawyer, I'm a mediator. I've done multi -billion dollar disputes at the highest levels of industry. And the hardest job I've ever had, being a parent.

Dr. Cam (01:03)

Yeah, that is so good to hear. Yes, good to hear. Good and not good. What did we get ourselves into?

Hesha Abrams (01:19)

It is so, well, you live with a tyrannical roommate who doesn't pay rent, right? So, and part of the problem is we want them to like us. And that is really a very dangerous, dangerous thing. So it becomes a really hard needle to thread. And that's what I want to talk about because I've learned techniques. have, first of all, I have great relationships with all my kids and my in -law kids. So I think that gives me some kudos right there. The techniques I'm going to teach, I use on them. And I have nine grandchildren and I use these on them earlier. I'm smarter now than I was when I was young, because I didn't have a me putting out a book like Holding the Calm. I had a lot of the touchy feely books in my day that don't work. They talk about all this good stuff that should happen and they don't work. So, you know, I'm a lawyer. I do big, hard, difficult cases. What's the difference between somebody saying, I want a hundred million dollars and somebody saying, here's 10 ,000, go drop dead. Right? How do you get that settled versus a teenager going, I hate you. You don't give me anything I want. My friends do this. You make me study. You don't understand me. Or whatever other nonsense happens. It's all the same.

Dr. Cam (02:29)

It's all emotion, right? It's that big fight or flight emotion place. So, and I have a lot of clients and I talk to people that do because we're teenagers are so emotional and they push our buttons and we get emotional and then we just got this huge blow up and we get stuck in this loop of just really negative interactions and kids can get nasty, they can get mean, they can even get physically violent. And I have parents that are scared of their kids. They don't want to make the problem worse. So they're kind of walking on eggshells around them, not wanting to get them upset, but it keeps getting worse. So we would love to hear from you on how do we start approaching, if we're there. A lot of what I do is preventing us from getting there, but if we're there. And we're in that moment where we're just butting heads and it's starting to get ugly and we don't know what to do. Hey, what do we do?

Hesha Abrams (03:35)

Yeah, so let's talk about that. because I want everything I do is very practical. I'm not a kumbaya kind of gal. I'm not interested in what should work or is a cool idea or rise above it or all that kind of junk. What actually works when this thing's happened? And I'm sure on your show, you've already talked about amygdala, fight or flight response. So I don't need to go into that again. Okay. So everybody knows that. So I have a theory. I think that all conflict and tension of any kind with anybody at any age or any time has to do with power. Either you're taking it, you're giving it, you're trying to hold onto it, you're trying to take it from somebody else. When power happens, the amygdala gets triggered and that is just a very dangerous thing. But the easy magic bean answer is you give power, but you give it in small little unimportant things because that's what calms the amygdala down. So let's say, and what I want to do is divide up our conversation into dealing with younger children, dealing with teenagers, and dealing with adults. Because techniques work with all of them, but you have to feed it slightly differently on how you do it. Okay? So let's start with the young ones and then we'll work our way up. So with the young ones, you have more power. Up until they're about what? 10 or 11? You know, you can actually physically restrain them if you need to.

You have all kinds of privileges you can restrict. You have a lot more power up to about 10 or 11. Part of the problem is parents don't use that power. So if you don't use it when they're young, you have a hard time using it when they're older. It's much harder to break an old dog than to start with a new dog. So there's that old saying that if you don't make them cry when they're young, they'll make you cry when they're older is an absolute, absolute truism. So let's start with the young ones first.

You want to teach kids how to handle big feelings. They big feelings. They have big feelings. We're all hungry, tired, cranky, don't get our own way, didn't get enough sleep. Every one of us has that. So one of the parenting life skills you as a parent need to teach your children is how to handle that. Now, part of the problem is we as adults, I wasn't taught that by my parents. Okay, I had to learn this through lots of therapy and lots of work and doing this.

Dr. Cam (05:37)

Or we're taught, just stop it. Don't do it, not how to work through it. So I think a lot of parents are uncomfortable with that. So I love this. Let's go into how, when we don't know how to do it, how do we help our kids do it?

Hesha Abrams (06:04)

Exactly. So that's the first thing I do is first thing I say to all parents when I'm talking to them is grace. For God's sakes, this is the hardest job in the world to raise another human being. It is a thankless job. Give yourself grace. Okay. So the issue is not, not making mistakes. The issue is correcting mistakes. You are going to make a million mistakes. How do you correct it? So this is what I have found.

Dr. Cam (06:35)

Absolutely.

Hesha Abrams (06:39)

acknowledging your, what a lot of people think is as a parent, I have to be tough and strong and always write, no, that's a completely wrong approach because you're not teaching the kids how to be able to do that. So what you do is you do whatever it is you're going to do. And let's say it's going badly. Something's, you can tell something's going badly. Try it. Part of the thing about holding the calm is why