Anger Secrets

22 hr ago

187 - 10 Rules To Control Your Anger - Starting Today

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares ten rules of anger management that he has refined over more than thirty years of working with clients. Whether your anger shows up in the big blowups, the sharp comments you didn't mean to make or the slow build of tension your partner can see before you even realise it yourself, these rules give you a practical framework to work with, starting today. Rather than focusing on a single trick for calming down in the heat of the moment, Alastair walks through the deeper shifts that actually change things, from recognising your early warning signs to taking responsibility for your actions and knowing when to ask for help. Key Takeaways: Awareness is the foundation everything else rests on. By the time most people realise they are angry, it is already too late to manage it cleanly. Learning your early warning signs gives you a window to act before anger takes hold.Other people do not make you angry. You do. Anger is the emotional response you create based on your thoughts and expectations, and that is actually good news. If you create it, you can change it.Feeling angry is not the problem. The problem is when anger turns into action, shouting, name-calling, putting someone down. Feelings and actions are separate. That gap between the two is where your power lives.Anger almost never leads to a good outcome. It damages trust, shuts down communication and makes the other person defensive. Before you speak in a heated moment, ask yourself: will this actually help?You cannot force another person to change. What you can do is change how you show up. When you consistently respond with more calm and intention, the dynamic between you and the people around you often begins to shift too.Use the tension scale throughout your day. By the time most people recognise they are angry, they are already at an eight or nine out of ten. The goal is to catch it at a three or four, when you still have real choices.If your anger is causing problems in your relationships, please ask for help. The people who reach out are the ones who change the fastest, because they stop trying to figure it out alone. Resources & Next Steps: If you would like support applying these ten rules and building calmer, more loving relationships: Visit: angersecrets.comLearn more about The Complete Anger Management SystemAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

13 min

24 May

186 - How 6 Hours A Week Could Save Your Relationship

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs walks through seven simple habits, drawn from the research of relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, that can fundamentally change how connected, loved and secure you and your partner feel. Whether your relationship has drifted into silence, feels more like a housemate arrangement or simply lacks the warmth it once had, these habits show exactly where to start. Rather than offering grand romantic gestures or an overhaul of your entire week, Alastair explains how just six intentional hours, built from small, consistent moments, can rebuild a relationship from the inside out. And the good news is, most of what he shares takes minutes, not hours. Key Takeaways: Most couples don't fall apart because of one big thing. They drift apart because of 100 small things, and the same is true in reverse. Small habits can erode a relationship, and small habits can rebuild it.The way you say goodbye in the morning sets the emotional tone for both of you for hours afterwards. A moment of real contact before you part, a hug, a kind word, genuine eye contact, is worth far more than most people realise.Reunions matter just as much as goodbyes. A genuine reconnection when you walk back through the door signals safety and warmth. It tells your partner they matter more than the chaos of the day.We are wired to notice what is wrong. If you are not intentional about appreciation, the frustrations get all the attention and the good stuff goes unspoken. A daily habit of expressing genuine admiration changes the whole atmosphere of a relationship, often faster than people expect.Physical affection throughout the day, a hand on the shoulder, sitting close, a proper hug, builds what researchers call emotional bonding. Words alone cannot create it.A daily stress-reducing conversation is not about logistics. It is about each other's inner world. And crucially, the role of the listener is just to listen, not to fix, not to advise. Just to be present. This is a skill, and it gets easier with practice.A weekly relationship check-in stops small problems from becoming big ones. Nothing festers, nothing builds into the kind of resentment that takes months to untangle. It can feel awkward at first. But it works. Resources & Next Steps: If you'd like support putting these habits into practice, or if anger or arguments have been getting in the way of the relationship you want: Visit: angersecrets.comLearn more about The Complete Anger Management SystemAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

12 min

17 May

185 - Why Do I Keep Getting Angry Over The Same Things?

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs walks through three powerful mindset shifts to help break the cycle of repeating anger. Whether it is the same argument with your partner, the same trigger at work or the same driver cutting you off, he explains why the pattern keeps happening and what you can do to finally change it. Rather than offering generic advice, Alastair gets to the root of why anger keeps repeating. These are real, practical shifts. And the good news is they are skills anyone can learn. Key Takeaways: Repeating anger patterns do not mean something is wrong with you. There is a specific reason the same things keep triggering you, and once you understand it, everything changes.Practicing acceptance is not about being passive. It means letting go of the idea that anger will change what you cannot control. When you stop fighting that battle, your anger has nowhere to go.Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in relationships. When you pause and ask what might be going on for the other person, the defensiveness drops and there is suddenly room for a real conversation.Anger makes things feel urgent and catastrophic. Most of the time they are not. Asking yourself whether this will matter in a year gives you a fast way to check if the anger is worth it.Maintaining perspective also means remembering that everyone makes mistakes, including you. That awareness makes you more forgiving and less likely to repeat the same argument.These are skills, not personality traits. With practice, they can fundamentally change how you respond to the things that used to set you off. Resources & Next Steps: If you would like help breaking the cycle of anger and building calmer, more loving relationships: Visit: angersecrets.comLearn more about The Complete Anger Management SystemAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

11 min

10 May

184 - Why Do I Always Say The Wrong Thing When My Partner Is Upset?

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs walks through four simple but powerful steps to help you say the right thing when your partner is upset - whether you tend to jump straight to fixing, go quiet or say something that somehow makes things worse. These are practical, learnable skills that work even when emotions are running high. Rather than offering generic advice, Alastair gets to the heart of why these moments go wrong so often: not because you don't care, but because your partner doesn't yet feel understood. And until they do, almost nothing you say will land well. And the good news is, that's entirely within your power to change. Key Takeaways: The problem usually isn't what you're saying. Until your partner feels understood, even the kindest or most logical words won't land. Feeling heard has to come before anything else.Minimal encouragers, a nod, a quiet "I see," steady eye contact, are small signals with a big impact. They tell your partner it's safe to keep going, and their absence is one of the most common reasons partners feel unheard.There's a real difference between questions that open a conversation up and questions that close it down. Open-ended questions and questions about feelings take the conversation somewhere real; beyond facts and logistics, into what your partner actually experienced.Reflecting back what your partner has said in your own words does two things: it lets them know they've genuinely been heard, and it gives them the chance to correct you if you've misunderstood. Both of those matter more than most people realise.Giving positive feedback doesn't mean piling on compliments. A simple "thank you for telling me that" signals that bringing things to you is safe, and partners who feel appreciated for communicating tend to communicate more.Practice these four steps consistently and the change you'll notice isn't just fewer arguments. It's a stronger, warmer connection day to day. Resources & Next Steps: If you'd like support saying the right thing in those difficult moments and building a calmer, more loving relationship: Visit: angersecrets.comLearn more about The Complete Anger Management SystemAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

12 min

3 May

183 - You Can Control Your Anger Faster Than You Think

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs walks through the three tools that actually create lasting change for people who struggle with anger. Whether you've tried to change before and slipped back, or you've started to believe that this is just who you are, this episode explains exactly why that happens and what a different approach looks like. Rather than offering surface-level fixes, Alastair lays out the three layers of real anger management. From catching it early, to changing the thinking that drives it, to rebuilding the communication that repairs relationships. And the good news is that most people see real, noticeable change in just a few weeks when they have the right tools in the right order. Key Takeaways: Most people don't catch their anger until it's already taken over. Learning to recognise your early warning signs gives you a window - a brief gap between what you feel and what you do.In that window, simple tools like positive self-talk and a short timeout can be the difference between staying in control and saying something you'll regret for days.Your anger isn't caused by what happens to you. It's caused by what you think about what happens to you. Change the thought, and you change the response.Two people can experience the exact same situation and react completely differently, because they're having different thoughts about it. That gap is where your real power lies.Managing the surface is not enough. Until you address the thinking driving your anger, you'll keep fighting the same battle over and over again.Active listening is one of the most powerful relationship repair tools there is. When someone feels genuinely heard, defensiveness drops and real conversations become possible.These are skills, not personality traits. Most people who've struggled for years see meaningful change in just a few weeks. Not because they tried harder, but because they finally had the right tools. Resources & Next Steps: If you'd like support working through these three layers and building calmer, more loving relationships: Visit AngerSecrets.comBook a free 30-minute phone callAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

12 min

26 Apr

182 - 3 Steps to Improve Your Relationship Starting Today

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three practical steps to help you improve your relationship starting today. Whether the arguments have become more frequent, the conversations that matter have quietly stopped or there's just a low-level tension that never fully goes away, this episode explains exactly what's getting in the way and what to do about it. Rather than offering generic communication tips, Alastair gets to the root of what most struggling relationships are actually missing, and walks through three specific, learnable steps he's used with couples over 30 years. And the good news is that most relationships aren't broken. They're just missing a few things that can be learned. Key Takeaways: Anger is like a leak in a boat. You can try harder, communicate better, go on more dates. But if the anger isn't dealt with first, you're fighting a losing battle.When one partner walks on eggshells, real intimacy becomes impossible. You can't be close to someone you're slightly afraid of, and unmanaged anger is almost always at the root of it.Most people think "communicate better" means express yourself more clearly. The more important half is listening, really listening, not just waiting for your turn.The fastest way to change the dynamic in a relationship is for one person to genuinely start listening to understand rather than listening to respond. It changes everything.The Magic Six Hours (a concept from relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman) shows that just six hours of small, intentional connection per week is enough to transform a relationship over time.Simple isn't the same as easy. These steps take real commitment. But in 30 years of working with couples, Alastair has seen them transform relationships people had almost given up on. Resources & Next Steps: If you'd like support reducing conflict and building a calmer, more loving relationship: Visit AngerSecrets.comBook a free 30-minute phone callAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

12 min

19 Apr

181 - Feeling Anger Rising? These 3 Exercises Can Stop It in Its Tracks

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three practical mindfulness tools you can reach for the moment you feel anger starting to build. Whether it's a comment that lands wrong, a situation that spirals or just one too many things going sideways in a single day, these tools work when things are heating up, not just when everything is already calm. Rather than offering a generic "take a deep breath" and leaving it there, Alastair explains exactly how each tool works, why it works and how to use it in real life. And the good news is that none of these require any prior experience with mindfulness. Key Takeaways: Mindfulness isn't meditation retreats or cushions. It's simply the practice of being present. And that tiny gap between what you feel and what you do is exactly where anger management happens.Deep breathing works,but most people aren't doing it correctly. Done properly, it sends a direct signal to your nervous system that the threat has passed, calming your body whether your mind wants to or not.Anger almost always shows up in your body before your awareness catches up. The body scan trains you to notice those early warning signs in time to do something about them.Mindful observation breaks the mental spiral that keeps anger burning. Focusing on a nearby object pulls your attention back to the present and softens the intensity of the emotion enough to respond rather than react.A lot of what fuels anger isn't the situation itself. It's the story your mind builds around it. Interrupting that narrative early is one of the most effective moves you can make. Resources & Next Steps: If you'd like support managing your anger in the moment and doing the deeper work to understand what's driving it: Visit AngerSecrets.comBook a free 30-minute phone callAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

12 min

12 Apr

180 - Face-to-Face vs Online Anger Management - Which One Actually Works?

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs gives an honest, straight comparison of face-to-face and online anger management programs. Whether you've been Googling your options, looked at a few programs or just aren't sure where to start, this episode cuts through the confusion and helps you make a decision that actually moves you forward. Rather than giving a vague "it depends" answer, Alastair draws on 30 years of running both formats to tell you clearly which works better for most people and why. And the good news is that with the right format and the right support, change happens faster than most people expect. Key Takeaways: Face-to-face programs can be powerful — but retention is the real problem. When you learn something once a week, life takes over and most of it fades before the next session.Online programs work because of repetition. You can pause, rewind and revisit lessons until things stop being ideas and start becoming habits you actually live by.In a face-to-face group, you learn alone and go home to a partner with no context. Online, many couples go through the program together, and that shared understanding changes everything.Research backs this up. A Swedish study found that a well-designed online anger management program reduced anger and aggression significantly, with results better than traditional face-to-face interventions.The best program is the one you'll actually complete. If you need the accountability of showing up somewhere in person each week, face-to-face may still be the right fit for you.Whatever format you choose, the most important decision is to start now. Anger doesn't tend to improve on its own. But with the right tools, it changes faster than most people expect. Resources & Next Steps: If you'd like support choosing the right path and taking your first step toward controlling your anger: Visit angersecrets.comBook a free 30-minute phone callAccess the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

11 min

Anger Secrets

187 - 10 Rules To Control Your Anger - Starting Today

186 - How 6 Hours A Week Could Save Your Relationship

185 - Why Do I Keep Getting Angry Over The Same Things?

184 - Why Do I Always Say The Wrong Thing When My Partner Is Upset?

183 - You Can Control Your Anger Faster Than You Think

182 - 3 Steps to Improve Your Relationship Starting Today

181 - Feeling Anger Rising? These 3 Exercises Can Stop It in Its Tracks

180 - Face-to-Face vs Online Anger Management - Which One Actually Works?

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Anger Secrets

Episodes

187 - 10 Rules To Control Your Anger - Starting Today

186 - How 6 Hours A Week Could Save Your Relationship

185 - Why Do I Keep Getting Angry Over The Same Things?

184 - Why Do I Always Say The Wrong Thing When My Partner Is Upset?

183 - You Can Control Your Anger Faster Than You Think

182 - 3 Steps to Improve Your Relationship Starting Today

181 - Feeling Anger Rising? These 3 Exercises Can Stop It in Its Tracks

180 - Face-to-Face vs Online Anger Management - Which One Actually Works?

Trailer

About

Information

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