🏫 When School Says "We Don't See That Here": Bring the Pattern, Not the Novel How to talk to teachers when something feels off at home Episode summary What do you do when your child is falling apart at home, but school says, "We don't see that here"? In this episode, Dr. Amy Patenaude helps parents make sense of the confusing school-home mismatch, especially when concerns look like anxiety, ADHD, executive functioning struggles, learning stress, gifted/2e patterns, unused accommodations, or "behavior." You'll learn why the long teacher email is often a parent's attempt to be believed, and how to bring a clear pattern instead of the whole novel. This episode will help you organize what you're seeing at home so you can ask better questions, communicate more clearly, and take the next right step without rushing to label your child. This episode is for you if… Your child seems fine at school but melts down, shuts down, or spirals at home. You've heard, "We don't see that here," and felt dismissed, confused, or stuck. You're wondering if what you're seeing is anxiety, ADHD, learning stress, executive functioning, school stress, or something else. Your child gets headaches, stomachaches, test anxiety, Sunday night dread, or school-related body complaints. Your bright or capable child is missing assignments, avoiding hard work, rushing, shutting down, or not using supports. Your child has a 504 plan, reward chart, tutoring plan, or classroom support, but real life still feels hard. You've written the teacher email that starts with, "Sorry this is so long…" You want to advocate clearly without sounding dramatic, blaming, or scattered. In this episode you'll learn Understand why worried parent brains collect every detail when something feels off. Reframe the long email as an attempt to make the invisible visible. Sort your concerns into three useful buckets: body clues, skill clues, and support mismatch clues. Recognize why "not seen at school" does not mean "not real." Ask better questions before rushing to label your child. Notice patterns around demand, timing, setting, recovery, and what helps. Use a simple three-bullet teacher email instead of the midnight novel. Tiny Wins to try this week Pick one pattern to notice. Choose one concern to watch this week: after-school crash, homework avoidance, physical complaints, test anxiety, missing assignments, shutdown, emotional outbursts, or unused supports. Look for the pattern, not the proof. Ask: Where does it show up? What seems to trigger it? What does it look like? What helps? Add one micro-connection. Try: "I'm not trying to label you or get you in trouble. I'm trying to understand what helps." Add one micro-boundary. Do not send the midnight novel email. Write it if your brain needs to dump it, save it, sleep on it, and turn it into three clear bullets in the morning. Write the three-bullet email. Use: What I'm noticing, when it tends to happen, and what I'm wondering. Pick one. One is enough. Free Resources After-School Reset Guide A simple guide to help your family move from chaos in the car to calm-ish at home. It includes a reset routine, scripts to borrow, troubleshooting for when it still goes sideways, and a build-your-own after-school plan. Download the After-School Reset Guide Volcano Feelings Freebie A kid-friendly way to talk about big feelings before they erupt. Use this resource to help your child notice what is building inside and practice language for those "volcano moment" reactions. Download the Volcano Feelings Freebie Summer Without the Spiral A practical resource for helping summer feel a little less chaotic and a little more doable. It is especially helpful for families navigating transitions, flexible routines, and big feelings during less-structured days. Download Summer Without the Spiral Tiny Wins Playbook A simple tool for choosing one small, doable shift instead of trying to overhaul your whole family system. Use it to build tiny routines, scripts, and supports that can actually fit your real life. Download the Tiny Wins Playbook ADHD, Anxiety, or Something Else? A guide to help you start sorting through what might be underneath your child's big reactions, avoidance, meltdowns, or school struggles. It is not a diagnosis, but it can help you organize what you are noticing and think about next steps. Download ADHD, Anxiety, or Something Else? Support + Connect Amy's Fundraiser Support Amy's fundraiser and learn more about the cause she is raising money for here. Support Amy's Fundraiser Instagram Come hang out on Instagram for more school psych-informed parenting support, scripts, Tiny Wins, and behind-the-scenes episode updates. Follow Psyched2Parent on Instagram Facebook Connect with Psyched2Parent on Facebook for updates, resources, and new episode reminders. Follow Psyched2Parent on Facebook Research snapshot Research on self-regulation and co-regulation supports what many parents notice in real life: children's skills do not show up the same way in every setting, under every demand, or at every time of day. Regulation often becomes most visible when the demand increases, such as during tests, transitions, homework, writing, social stress, or a long school day. Co-regulation research also reminds us that kids build regulation through supportive, attuned scaffolding over time, not just through repeated reminders to "try harder" or "be more responsible." This matters when a child looks fine at school but falls apart at home, because different settings can reveal different parts of the child's stress, skill gaps, or support needs. The goal is not to diagnose your child from the kitchen counter. The goal is to notice the pattern clearly enough to ask better questions and bring more useful information to the adults supporting your child. Resources and Links Lunkenheimer et al., 2017 Assessing Biobehavioural Self-Regulation and Coregulation in Early Childhood: The Parent-Child Challenge Task https://doi.org/10.1002/icd.1965 Verhagen et al., 2024 Coregulation Between Parents and Elementary School-Aged Children in Response to Challenge and in Association With Child Outcomes: A Systematic Review https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001864 Paley & Hajal, 2022 Conceptualizing Emotion Regulation and Coregulation as Family-Level Phenomena https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4 Kostøl & Kovač, 2024 Co-regulation in Dyadic Parent-Child Relationships: A Video Analysis of Well-Functioning Interactions https://doi.org/10.1080/03004430.2023.2282357 Lobo & Lunkenheimer, 2020 Understanding the Parent-Child Coregulation Patterns Shaping Child Self-Regulation https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000926 Disclaimer "This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or legal advice. Listening to this podcast does not create a provider-client relationship. If you're concerned about your child's mental health, safety, or development, please consult a qualified professional in your area."
