This is the second post for our June theme of self-trust. If you missed the first, you can read or listen to it here: Week 1 - The Reasons Why We Stop Trusting Ourselves Self-trust is not about knowing which path is perfect. It is about trusting yourself to walk whichever path you choose. I have stood frozen at the metaphorical fork in the road so many times. Decisions are hard when you don’t trust yourself. I had three toxic relationships. I left the first one very quickly. That day, three months into our relationship, he hit me. That day, it was over. At least for me. For him, it wasn’t over at all. He stabbed me five times and left me in the road. Now I understand more about how the nervous system tries to keep us safe. To my 17-year-old brain, leaving became associated with danger. The next time, leaving might cause even more pain. The next time, I might not survive. Two more toxic relationships followed. It took fourteen years before I was free. As I slowly rebuilt my confidence, I began to realise how much I had limited my life by not trusting myself. The company I wanted to leave, but I held off for years.The qualifications I wanted to pursue, but I didn’t.The opportunities I talked myself out of.Even my writing and coaching journey remained on hold until retirement. There was always the same underlying question: “What if I get this wrong?” And that question shaped far more than my relationships. When you doubt yourself Last week, we explored some of the reasons we stop trusting ourselves. For many of us, self-distrust isn’t something we are born with. It develops slowly through criticism, rejection, difficult relationships, and experiences that teach us it isn’t safe to make mistakes or be ourselves. While self-distrust may begin as a form of protection, it rarely stays that way. Over time, it shapes how we live. Most of us think self-doubt shows up as a lack of confidence. We imagine it looks like shyness, avoiding attention, or nervousness. I grew up thinking that being a shy introvert was my problem. But self-distrust often runs much deeper than that. It influences the decisions we make, the opportunities we take, the relationships we stay in, and the way we speak to ourselves every day. And often, we don’t even realise it is happening. Last week, I spoke about having social anxiety for years. The thought of having conversations with people I didn’t know filled me with dread. Even attending social events felt uncomfortable. At the time, I thought the problem was how people would react to me. * I thought I wasn’t interesting enough. * I thought I wouldn’t know what to say. * I thought people might judge me. Looking back now, I can see something different. The real problem was not the conversation itself.The problem was that I didn’t trust myself to handle it. I didn’t trust myself to know what to say.I didn’t trust myself to recover if I became embarrassed.I didn’t trust myself to cope if someone judged me or didn’t like me. My fear was never really about the conversation. It was about what might happen if the conversation didn’t go perfectly. That realisation changed everything. Signs you don’t trust yourself * Constantly seeking reassurance before making a decision. * Asking lots of people for their opinion before listening to our own. * Knowing what to say but staying silent anyway. * Ignoring our own opinion because we assume someone else knows better. * Staying where we are not happy because we fear making the wrong change. Many people spend years waiting to feel certain before they act. But whatever decision we make, there is rarely a 100% guarantee that it is the right one. As humans, we will always make mistakes, and there will always be people who disapprove. The cost of self-doubt When we believe we need guarantees before moving forward, life can start to feel very small. This is where we begin to procrastinate and overthink. We hesitate and get stuck because our nervous system seeks safety rather than uncertainty. It tells you: “Maybe you can’t handle this, and if you go ahead, you might get hurt.” Remember, your brain wants you to survive. The emotional cost of self-doubt can be significant and exhausting. * The endless mental conversations. * The second-guessing. * The replaying of events. * The need for reassurance. * The fear of getting things wrong. All of it consumes energy and keeps us focused on avoiding mistakes rather than on living fully. Training your nervous system What I have come to understand is that self-trust is not about believing you will always make the right decision. It is about believing you can handle whatever happens next. That is a very different thing. Self-trust begins when we stop asking: “What if it goes wrong?” And start asking: “What if I can handle it?” That shift changed my life. The fear and discomfort didn’t disappear overnight. But over time, I learned that I could survive discomfort, mistakes, rejection, uncertainty, and disappointment. I could trust myself to cope. Self-trust is not always knowing the answer, nor is it being perfect. It is the quiet confidence that whatever happens next, you will stay on your own side. Questions to reflect on * Where does self-doubt affect your life most strongly right now? * What opportunities have you avoided because you didn’t trust yourself? * Do you find yourself seeking reassurance from others before making decisions? * What is one area of your life where you would like to trust yourself more? * What would become possible if you believed you could handle mistakes, setbacks, or uncertainty? * What is one small decision you could make this week without seeking anyone else’s approval? I think the area of self-trust is vital to understand. I literally only just connected the dots between the trauma I suffered as a young woman and the anxiety I suffered for years. If self-trust is something you feel you need to work on, I invite you to reach out for a chat to see how I can help. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe
