208 episodes

The Dick Show is a weekly science and rage based podcast where everything is a contest and there ams no rules--especially grammar rules. Chock-full of Dick Tips and the answers to questions like, 'Are you a rage?' and 'What even is a libertarian?'

The Dick Show. Get some.

The Dick Show Dick Masterson

    • Comedy
    • 4.9, 14 Ratings

The Dick Show is a weekly science and rage based podcast where everything is a contest and there ams no rules--especially grammar rules. Chock-full of Dick Tips and the answers to questions like, 'Are you a rage?' and 'What even is a libertarian?'

The Dick Show. Get some.

    Episode 208 - Dick on Cuck Throat

    Episode 208 - Dick on Cuck Throat

    Maddox changes his voice to call Keemstar a Nazi, Digibro transitions to Digi-Nee and it is not a bit, the Libertarian debates, the future fights of sex robots, Ralph and Null have a big fight and then attempt to apologize, the cam wh*re controversy continues, Vito's new Star Wars video is out, Screw Louie is back to Square One in The Virgin Contest, some advice for a busty Israeli with a butter face, taking things too seriously, my nose job, Sean doesn't like Rand Paul, and the real Dick Show four-year anniversary; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    Once again, we start the show in the middle of a gay op in progress! Keemstar and H3H3 are at war for attention and mutual destruction, and everyone hates them for it. I don't know a lot about either one. From what I've seen, there's little to defend on either side and no one seems to be asking for any defense--this upsets some people for some reason. What I do know, is that our culture is currently split into two camps; one that supports the concepts of hate speech, toxicity, and blame of actions on encouragement, and the other who believes that actions and speech are separate, and that the latter has a right to exist no matter what. We are currently divided along those lines by powerful forces who have enslaved us. The actual distinction is a meaningless one.
    Anyway, here's Maddox using a TalkBoy to change his voice and call me and everyone I know a white supremacist.
    Go watch the video. It's hilarious. And then spend the rest of the day asking yourself, "Why?" But first...
    The monster is always in control. Whether is liquor or sex or power or love or hate or both. It's always in control. It's the momentum or the lack thereof and everything you can do to direct it happened a long time ago. I wonder about these obsessions people have. After four years of dealing with it on a near constant basis, and it continues. And it will always continue. Revenge, poverty, mindless cruelty. What the hell are we thinking?
    There has never been anything so fun to do as this show. And if it is ever not fun or late or hungover or dead, the momentum will carry it through. I think that's the secret reason for the trad renaissance; a waking awareness that there is a lack of divine external compulsion to drive life forward. It must be built, we know this, but how in a world where it seems increasingly difficult to do so can we do it? And it's everything's fault. Literally. You tell someone and they tell you. You tell them again. They tell you. The You stay together because you're married. You have children, and the momentum drives you forward. Otherwise, if it's up to you, you play video games.
    But there's something getting lost in telephone game. Not enough people are saying it back or they've got it wrong. This is the momentum.
    The hate is in control, and the politics, and the drugs. Maddox is on a street corner reading off a list of every white supremacist I've ever spoken to, to anyone who will listen. A burning ball of molten shame that will fall forever into the core of the Earth. He'll never stop.
    Digibro is transitioning into a woman, Digi-née. I can't imagine anyone rejecting this transition after listening to today's call, but I know they will, petulantly and viciously. It should be painfully obvious to anyone who listens how tremendously genuine his decision is; the lolicon, the dysphoria, the gradual change in momentum of decisions from long ago that have compounded into a single moment.
    It's the compounding interest of it, the most powerful force in the universe. That and stupidity. They're the same thing really.

    • 2 hrs 30 min
    Episode 207 - Dick on Premature Celebrations

    Episode 207 - Dick on Premature Celebrations

    I am confronted for not wearing a mask, Screwy Louie comes in to talk about the virgin contest, MC Jarbo talks about his new album, "Chronicles of a Cuck", Poe's Law, the white trash cycle, deer-kin, fat moms, the mental patients who run the world, how to be a finance, an army of contact tracers, The Fed starts buying ETFs, the THOT Patroler, the new Black Cat, sick health officials, and how to make a non-racist AI; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    It's banned on BandCamp, Spotify, and the sub continent, but the MC Jarbo album "Chronicles of a Cuck" is still available at mcjarbo.com for the way-too-low price of $6.99! Get it today before you listen to MC Jarbo's call-in. Never in my life would I have imagined an entire musical software suite would be developed just to make fun of a guy, but here we are. Imagine our potential if we didn't dedicate our lives to petty revenge and one-upmanship. If we worked together for a greater good instead of the greater laugh. The world would be everything the ADL dreamed. So if you hate the ADL, get this album today! But first...

    The story of Job goes thusly.
    Once there was a man who believed in God. So Satan tricked God into killing his family and burning his house down; casting a pestilence over his crops and bringing a famine to his land. Opening up his borders with other lands and off-shoring manufacturing to eviscerate his middle class, centralizing the ownership of gold and accepting taxes only in a debt-based fiat currency that a democratically-elected governing body had access to print more of. God then limited the number of the governing body making them lords over fiefdoms of the retarded. Subsidies washed over the land, 90% of women had an OnlyFans account and 100% of them were overweight, men fucking loved science and Funko Pops and apologizing. The WWF became the WWE. Deer-men and whores cybernetically controlled all expression. The old trained the young to eat one another and the world was plunged into a perpetual state of crisis and death.
    "There!" said God, "Job still believes in me after everything I've done!"
    "Do you?" said Satan.
    The lockdown is over because enough people have decided that it is, and that means the time for premature celebration is at hand! The I told you so's come first.
    I told you this virus wasn't that big of a deal. It killed old people and not very many of them. Second wave? Don't make me laugh because if I start now, I might never stop. This lockdown has made me insane. I told you the government would roll out a system of tyrannical overreach and permanently erode our Civil Liberties. Contact tracing? Warrantless web history searches? Immunity microchips that chicks can scan to see your dick size? Welcome to the prison planet! Your neighbors are your wardens and Trump is building a wall to keep everyone in. I told you no one would feel stupid for any of this.
    And thank God no one feels stupid, because that's when the real lockdowns would start. The Goldilocks Zone between moral clarity and the great towering inferno of righteous morality that threatens at any moment to destroy the world to cover up the shame. The uncomfortable chuckle that says a roast is about to go too far. That's the sweet spot.
    But back to celebrating prematurely. Nature is healing, and so is the human spirit! We will find new friends! Like minded individuals who want to be left alone. We will have a head start to reshape the world while the mask people stay hunkered down in their toilet paper forts and news bulletins. We will upgrade our bodies and terrify the good and decent. We will tear down laminated signs that tell us where to sit and how to stand. We will throw the warning plaques and throw caution tape to the wind. We will trade our subsidies for cryptocurrency. We will beat our wardens to death and we will throw grandma from an incredible height

    • 2 hrs 21 min
    Episode 206 - Dick on Legacy Issues

    Episode 206 - Dick on Legacy Issues

    My drunken, multi-stream meltdown, the New Project 2 Mafia and Sean the Capo, fake white nationalism, returning shopping carts, Screwy Louie has a date, Null calls in to talk kids, legacies, and the burning trash fire I dumped in his lap, Maddox is pretending to be a cowboy for some reason, Chris the Kiwi has a busy weekend, Mersh from Revenge of the Cis talks about strip clubs, and how to keep your wife busy at home; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    I have a feeling that this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful arc, and once again, my dick has kickstarted an attention whore apocalypse, a live streamer Civil War, if you will, an Internet 9/11 Part 2. Ralph is going to fight a fat Canadian, Kiwi Farms is in revolt against moderation, and Sean couldn’t care less. What else is new? Speaking of my capo Sean, we’re doing a bonus episode with Karl from “Who Are These Podcasts” soon, let me know what sick show we should review in the comments! But first…
    Legacy issues. For computer nerds, that describes problems with old component parts and outdated software that no longer functions in today’s environments and cannot easily be replaced. The old shit doesn’t work with the new shit. That’s legacy problems. For purposes of this episode, it also describes the trend of young men to be concerned about their legacy. I’ve never understood this.
    You’re dead, you rot in the ground. If you’re one of the lucky few, a kid in forth grade will write an essay about you that they hate doing and that serves no purpose. For the unlucky few, they will be quoted endlessly in only arguments, their words and intentions and actions and the size of their dick will be twisted and perverted, co-opted and inverted, and will be minimized, and there will be no end to it. In this universe there can be no heaven with this knowledge. Having an eternity of this awareness would inherently be hell.
    But for the rest of us…Our legacy will be one of hate speech and incompetence. Ignorant, gormless, wildly racist buffoons, the bumbling and fumbling black sheep of history who just couldn’t get it right even though the answer was staring us right in the face.
    “They pooped from their butts? What a bunch of s-slur p-words.”
    Stupid people.
    Our legacy will be one of pity. We will be looked upon like stinking and horrifying pigs, lacking in any kind of nanotechnology or augmented reality. Our reality will be seen as real, not unlike the animals we chose to slaughter. This, by the way, the butchering of living animals for meat, will be referred to as a holocaust.
    Filthy racists that worshipped insane superstitions like going to college and concussions, generations that lived in their cars driving back and forth to work to serve corporate masters. Our legacy is one of pity and filth and stupidity the likes of which history has never known because we were the first to record all of it–and we shot it into space! Our future will start first contact with aliens with, “I’m sorry.” And the aliens will get it, because they too will be sorry.
    Maybe your kids will be great. Maybe they’ll be f***s. In four generations, they’ll share the same amount of DNA with you as your current cousins do. I think that math works out, but what do I know, I’m just a stupid, filthy, racist idiot who showers twice a day and thinks the world is ending one bailout at a time.
    Happy Halving Day! If you want a legacy, leave the kids some Bitcoin.
    Oh, yeah! There’s a third meaning to the title. It’s old Dick Show issues I thought were dead and buried starting to the bubble to the surface, but I think I’ll talk about that on a bonus episode, either this one or the next. Believe me, it’s a hell of a story, and I’ve been waiting to tell it for over a year. See you next Tuesday!

    • 3 hrs 30 min
    Episode 205 - Dick on Multiple Women

    Episode 205 - Dick on Multiple Women

    Bird and I are accused of being Antifa at a freedom protest, Andrew Tate Calls in to talk kickboxing and cam whoring, The Little Irishman draws all over his brother, Maddox calls me a rapist and a pedophile, what happened to health insurance, debts and liabilities outgrow assets, men's entitlement, women's ingratitude, the Hard Men Working Hard create a chart-topper, and dealing with LGBT parents; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

    • 3 hrs 3 min
    Episode 204 - Dick on Wiener Crossing

    Episode 204 - Dick on Wiener Crossing

    I can't find my Nintendo DS, Vito brings in a card game, I apologize to Chris the Kiwi, homeschooling, Digibro's categorizes everyone in The Dick Show, Doc Rieux has stories from the ER, Crippled Jesus' mom's boyfriend drops a hot beat, Japan is better than the US, Tifa vs. Aerith, pedophiles, pedophiles, pedophiles, and Reactor, Tim Pool's brother, is a gold-bricking douchebag who got kicked out of the band; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

    • 3 hrs 4 min
    Episode 203 - Dick on Mad Libs

    Episode 203 - Dick on Mad Libs

    Power buttons that correct you, living the Adult Baby Diaper Lifestyle, California fills up a skate park, Frank Hassel works out and drops hotdogs, the Final Fantasy 7 remake, entertaining Anthony Cumia, Chris Hansen congratulates me and my garbages, tyranny comes from next door, Bam Bam's Easter Madlibs, how to find your broken half, and helping Kiwi Chris make a hooker his housewife; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

    • 2 hrs 34 min

Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5
14 Ratings

14 Ratings

Kala201 ,

Hilarious!!

All the rage and hot goss you could ever need.

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