The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

Betsy Pake
  • 4.9 (194)
  • Self-Improvement
  • Updated Weekly

The Art of Living Big is a weekly podcast designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life.

  1. 3d ago

    433 Are You Open to Abracadabra?

    In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy encourages listeners facing big decisions to believe in possibility, like the magic in the hat. Say your ‘abracadabra’ out loud and witness how expectation and willingness can build confidence over time. You don’t have to be certain of the outcome, you can focus on what you are sure of at present and speak it out loud. Are you open to that? Try it and watch what you begin to notice. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. I’m excited to be here. I’m also recording it on a Tuesday, and I know that probably means nothing to you, but it does mean something to Joy, who edits these podcasts. So I’m quite pleased with myself. I’m celebrating. That’s, like, the big win. I’m on it, you guys. I am on it. We missed a couple weeks because of Belize and just, like, all the things happening around that, and so I feel really good about being back on track and back with you. All right. So today, I’ve been thinking about this. There’s so many things. I wanna say, I, I feel like we need to have a… Here’s what I really want. I want, like, a, a private podcast where you guys could come in, where I know who’s listening, and I can tell you all kinds of stories. Like, I have so many stories from the last six weeks, probably, crazy and amazing, and, the magical universe continues to unfold in wonderful ways that delight me. And so and so, I, because- I don’t know who listens, do you know what I mean, ’cause we’re not just in a room together. When… This is why we need to have retreats. This is why I do the retreats. So today, I have had something I’ve wanted to talk about, and I’m trying to figure out, like, how can I talk about this? And so I’m gonna say something that might feel… Like, you might be like, “Ugh.” You, you might turn this off, but hang with me, if you would. And if you’re new here, I promise I’ll make it about you at the end, okay? So everything has always worked out for me. I know. I know that some of you made a face. It’s okay. I don’t mean that everything went the way that I wanted it to, because it didn’t, and I have had years that I would, leave notes sometime in my journal that say, like, “Time travelers, do not return to this day,” you know? I, I, I have had years that I wouldn’t sign up for a second time. You know, if you’ve been here for a while, you know the story about me going to school one day, in high school, and my mom dying in a car accident while I was gone. You know, so, it’s not that things went the way that I wanted. Right? It’s not that everything was magical and perfect. You know, that whole deal with my mother, like that did not w- that did not work out, okay? And I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that it did or that there’s some, like amazing silver lining. There are things that have spawned from that that I wouldn’t have had, experiences I wouldn’t have had because that happened. But it sucked, and I’ve had lots of other things that have sucked and I have had decades that sucked in a miserable marriage. And here I am, and my life is good, and I like who I am, and all of those things can be true at the same time, and it took me a really long time to understand that they could be. And, you know, if you’ve been here for a while, I’ve done episodes in the past. You know, a few years ago, I think I did several episodes on magic, and not the kind of magic like, you know, where you’re cooking toadstools or whatever. But the kind of magic where you’re shifting your perspective, the kind of magic that we talk about in A Course In Miracles, right? That a, a miracle is a shift in perspective. But I wanna tell you about a word. Abracadabra. Abracadabra is the thing that you say before the thing appears, right? That’s, that’s what it f- is for. That’s what people do first, right? The, the rabbit isn’t in the hat yet. There’s nothing up the sleeve. The magician has no evidence at that point, and he says it anyway. He says, “Abracadabra,” out loud in front of everybody. And that’s actually the whole trick. It’s not the rabbit. It’s saying it first. And you probably used to be like that, right? You did. There is a version of you who wanted something and just said it before you had any reason to believe that it was coming the word itself, abracadabra, and you know I love w- you know I love the words. If you’ve been in the Navigate method, you know. People will say a word, and I’ll be like, “Let’s get the dictionary.” Like, what does it actually mean, right? But abracadabra stems from a meaning of I create as I speak. And now somewhere along the way, you stopped saying the thing that you wanted. Maybe you stopped saying it first. Maybe you’ve just stopped. And now you wait. Like, you want something, and you keep it inside until you can see how it could possibly work. You wanna be able to explain it. You want a plan attached to it before you’ll say it out loud. We create as we speak, and our words have vibration. So you want everything figured out before you’ll say it out loud or to another person. And it probably feels responsible. It does, right? But what you’re actually doing is waiting for the rabbit before you say the word, and it’s backwards. It’s actually not how any of it works I think we do this because there is an element in us that is, that is tired. We are tired, and we don’t wanna be disappointed. And I hear people say, “I don’t wanna get my hopes up all the time.” Do you guys remember many years ago when I was looking for a house, and I wanted that mid-century modern house? I still get in bed and think about that , think about that house. I think I offered, like, $100,000 more than asking, and I didn’t get it. Somebody else got it, and I was so disappointed. I see the benefit of it now that I didn’t get that. I’m glad. And I remember at the time knowing I really wanted it, like, knowing I was leaning in, knowing I was letting myself sort of get ahead of myself, and also knowing that I could handle the disappointment, that it felt so fun to be excited about it. It felt so fun to dream about it. Now, without a doubt, I know that my perfect mid-century modern home is is coming. At some point, I don’t know when, I don’t have to know, but I know it’s coming because I lingered in that for so long. I lingered in it without the fear, and when I didn’t get it, it w- it was crushing. My little heart was pulverized, and I handled it. I’m still here. It worked out just fine. I’m still dreaming. It didn’t squash my hopes or dreams. It didn’t take away anything. It just was a little blip as I talk to the universe and explain what it is that I want. Okay. So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna ask you to just be a little delulu. Be a little delusional. And I wanna be careful with that word ’cause I know the internet has been using it to mean, like, to pretend everything’s fine, and that’s not what I mean. I don’t want you lying to yourself, and I don’t want you calling a bad thing a good thing, right? I don’t want you finding the silver lining in, like, a shit sandwich. Like, that’s not the goal. But delusional, to me, means that you refuse to require evidence in advance. You want the thing before you can prove that it’s possible, and you say it out loud. Say it with me. We’ll say it out loud, right? Do you guys remember when I went to Iceland, and I had … At the time, I had left my husband And I had decided I was just gonna travel around for like six months, and I wanted to really work on myself and get some space. And I had gone down to Florida, and I had gotten an Airbnb for a month, and I was sitting in bed one night looking at TikToks, and I saw this TikTok of this guy who was snowshoeing. It was in Finland, and he was snowshoeing, and the video was like the northern lights swirling above him. And do you guys remember, I said out loud, out loud, “I want that. I want that.” And the that that it was, it was, it was the feeling like life was magical. It was noticing like just the beauty of the world that I am so lucky to be in. It was feeling free, I think, and it was just like th- I just, I, I want that. I watched that video like 20 times. I remember thinking, “How many times have I watched this?” over and over and over again. And like the music in the background was like … I was crying. So repetition, heightened emotion, clarity. I want that. Now, you know, I didn’t even own a winter coat at that time. So it wasn’t like I wanna go to the w- like cold. But if you guys remember, the very next day as I’m scrolling on Facebook, I see a post in a group I’m in saying, “We have one spot left. We’re going to chase the northern lights in Iceland. Does anybody want it?” And I said, “Whoops, I guess that’s for me.” And it went against who I was at that time to just do that, and it gave me clarity, and it gave me confidence, and I believe it helped project me forward on my, on my m- mission in my life. But I said it out loud, “I want that.” I ordered off the menu, and it came. And I’ve said that here before, and I’m gonna keep saying it, ’cause that’s what it is. You order the thing, and you don’t wait to find out whether the kitchen has it. You just order it knowing it’s coming. When I was pregnant, I, I got the room ready. I knew it was coming even though I couldn’t see it. Well, I mean, I could I could feel it. I knew so

  2. Aug 14

    432: Are You Open to Receiving?

    Betsy is back from Belize and back to giving us the advice we can all learn from. In this episode, she wants us to remember that our value is our presence, not our usefulness. Are you doing the work for you and for everyone else? Leaning back doesn’t have to mean becoming less, it allows others to show up more. Give it a try in your life and you might get pleasantly surprised. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I have been missing for a couple weeks. We went to Belize for our retreat, and it was … Oh, my God, it was so great. I, I wish you could have been there. It was this group of people that came together. Some of them had worked with me, but most of them hadn’t. But everybody got along. I- it was insane how awesome it was. It was girlhood, you know? We played in the pool. We did some work on ourselves. We d- you know, had drinks by the moonlight. I mean, it was just such a great, great trip. It, it was so fascinating to me how everybody just bonded, you know? And I think that’s just, … I, I always say, , I attract the best women. Beautiful women, too. But I attract the best women. And so everybody just meshed. A, a, lot of people extended their trip. They had an extra day, and then some people changed their plane flight so that they could stay, and it was just amazing. And I’m so happy that we did that trip, and I’m gonna plan another one. I got a couple things that I’m working on that I’m gonna finalize today. Hopefully today is the day. But I would really like to do something in January, so be on the lookout for that, because you won’t wanna miss it. Just the coming together, and it was like we’d all known each other for 20 years, you know, and it was like our annual girls’ trip. I know that for me, I expanded so much, and I felt so great, and so it definitely made me realize that, , live events, it’s so important, I think, for us to get together live and to have that experience together. So anyway, what I wanted to talk to you today about, though, is I kinda have a, a short little thought, an idea, experiment that I have been running. You know, it’s interesting, because, , in the last episode, I talked about how I had started dating, and I don’t, I’m not gonna be coming in here talking about dating every time. I, have to tell you that I resisted it for a long time, and what I’m recognizing is how much I have learned about myself in the last couple months of doing this, and how much I have grown, really, and how much I was able to notice old patterns and actually shift so that I know I have healed, because I noticed it and was able to move out of it. And so there’s a little lesson in here that I have learned that I think might be helpful for you, and so that’s what I wanted to kinda share today. If you’ve been here for a while, you know that I- tend to say that relationships are a mirror, right? Every single one. Our friendships, our, coworkers, with our kids, you know, with the lady who does your hair, like the person that you’re standing next to in line. All of this is a mirror about how we actually feel about ourselves, and we can learn a lot about ourselves from any one of those experiences. You know, I, I think some mirrors show us things that other mirrors couldn’t show us. And so I think that’s why this experiment has been so important for me on my journey. And you know, I, I have been coaching for years. I mean, 2012. A long time. And I have done the work. I know myself very well. And I noticed when I started dating that there was this pattern that was sort of, I don’t know. I- if you had asked me, “Do you have that pattern?” I would say, “No, I can do, I can do it. It’s n- I’m fine. I’m fine.” But what I recognized was that that pattern was so much in the middle of who I was that I actually couldn’t see it until I had the mirror to show me. , And so I’m gonna talk a little bit about that, because I think that every relationship that I had was old enough that the pattern was, like, already kind of baked in. And so, you know, like when you walk into your living room, like you don’t notice the furniture ’cause it’s just been there. But dating put me in like a brand new living room. You know what I mean? With people who knew nothing about me, , no history, no established roles. Like nobody had an expectation of me that was already in, in place. And I think that created this like blank space. And I watched myself do something within, you know, the first 24 hours of finding somebody, that I liked. Now- I’m, I wanna say, I’m gonna say I liked loosely… I, I, I liked everybody is my point. I liked everybody. I, met some really, really nice people. But here’s what happened, is that I over-functioned. I think that’s the easiest way to say it. I met somebody, and I immediately started doing the work of the relationship. , I would carry the conversation, I would ask really good questions. I kept saying, “Everybody’s so nice, I could talk to them for hours. And then I was like, wait, maybe that’s me. Maybe that’s me. , Not that they’re not nice, not that they can’t hold a conversation, it just made me realize maybe there’s something I’m doing here that is over-capacitating to, , an extent. You know? I, I found, , if something got awkward or if I noticed something made somebody uncomfortable, , I would immediately kind of smooth it over. I, I would handle everything. I would suggest a plan when there wasn’t a plan. , I would explain myself so thoroughly, I would over-explain what I meant or what I was trying to say so there wouldn’t be any confusion. And what I noticed was that I was doing my half, right, my half of the relationship, and I did that really fast and I did it really well because I’m good at it, but then I also did his half. And I think that there was this part where I felt like I had a connection with somebody, but looking back now, I realize that it was just me, , over-capacitating the whole thing. Like, when I look back at this, , I’m gonna use the word relationship, but we’re gonna air quote that. , I went out with somebody, , I don’t know, five or six times, and I realized I was doing my half and his half. And that I built that whole thing. I have no idea what that guy would have built with me because I never left him any room to build anything with me. I would reach out. I would suggest things. And so here’s what I wanna do, is I think I wanna sort of name this thing because I think a lot of you are gonna recognize yourself in this. You know, I, I am very good at walking into somebody’s complicated situation, understanding it, finding a solution for things, and making it better. , That is real. That is my gift. I can… It’s almost like a cosmic thing. When somebody explains to me what’s going on with them, I feel like I’m hovering above it, and I can see the, all the levers. And so if somebody hands me a mess with a lot of moving parts and a lot of feeling attached to it, I can sort it out. I can see what actually is going on. I, have built a business on this, right? But somewhere, a long time ago, I think I must have decided that that was my value. Not like one of my qualities, but that was my value. , That was the reason someone would want me around, like the, the price of my cocktail or whatever And I think once you believe that, you carry it into every living room you walk into, right? Every situation that you find yourself in. And so I would walk in kind of scanning for how I could be of value. And you find the thing that you can be useful for, and then you get to work because you know being useful is how you have always understood that you belonged in that room. And I have been doing that for, like, my whole life and calling it, like, being a good person, I think. I have really evaluated, what does it mean to be a good person? And, you know I, I think I am a good person. I think I am generous. I’m not gonna, you know, pretend that I’m not or not want to be. But I recognized in this interaction with this person that some of this was a bid. Some of it was me t- trying to buy my way in to closeness with someone. And, and the problem with buying your way in… And you may be looking at your marriage or relationship with people at work or whatever and go, “Oh my God, I do this. , I over-capacitate in order to feel like I’m enough to be in this situation.” And, , so I think that the problem with that is simply that , if you get close to people by being useful, you can never stop being useful. You have to continue to earn that spot, and you have to stay necessary, and that is not being close with someone in a relationship. That’s a job, and I don’t want to have a job with the people that love me. And so I recognized… And like I said, I went out on a bunch of different dates with a bunch of different people, and then I went out with one person, , I don’t know, four or five times. Couple weeks. It was just a couple weeks. And I noticed that I was doing this. And so as I was learning about other people and going out with other people, I started doing something a little bit different. And I wanna describe this ’cause I wanna be really careful about how I say it And because the shift was important, but there- it’s also nuanced, right? So I did not show up as being less, okay? So I’m not saying, , you need to dummy yourself down, or if you have a superpower, just keep that hidden. I’m not saying withhold your superpo

  3. Jul 23

    431: There is No Endgame

    This week’s episode is a little update on Betsy’s dating endeavors and a reminder to us all not to overthink things. Live in the present and focus on good things. We don’t always have to look for the potential of something, we can simply feel the enjoyment in present moments. A message with perfect timing as Betsy departs for the very first Live Big retreat in Belize! Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.  Hello, everyone. Hi, welcome to the show today. I am getting ready to leave for our trip to Belize. I just dropped Dean Martin off at kitty camp, and he was so, he was so unhappy. He made a little sound I’ve never heard before when I put him in his carrier. Poor little guy. He’ll be okay, but it’s the longest he’s ever been at kitty camp, and he likes Camp Kitty, I think it’s called. I think he likes it, but it is painful, right? To be without our babies So I wanna say that Joy and I recorded a really, a pretty long episode earlier in the week, and– or it was, like, the end of last week we recorded. And, you know, I had this whole plan. I was gonna,, explain the metamorphosis that had happened in my life over the past eight weeks. And then, you know, we recorded, and then I went in to, , listen to a couple parts and, , make some edits that I wanted to make sure were made before, you know, Joy went in to produce the episode. And I just was like… First of all, it was kinda hard– We were just talking back and forth, and I had no idea how many times I said “like” until I listened to that episode. It was hard to follow, honestly. And then, you know, I, I get that sometimes it can be fun, you like to hear other people’s stories, but, , it’s gotta matter to you, and I just was like, “What’s the purpose in this for anybody else?” , At the end of the day, it felt kinda self-serving to talk for 45 minutes about whatever, whatever I went through. So I thought, let me give you, , the really brief, short, long and short of it, as they say, and kinda give you the rundown, and then get to the point, ’cause there is a point. There’s something that I do wanna say, and I think it’s– I’m still thinking through it, but I think it’s kinda like a magical thought. So, so let’s just say here, let, let us begin here. The last six to eight weeks, I think, I have felt like I was really passing through something. You know, I think my transformation, this particular one that has just been closed, I think this loop opened in 2020. I really do. It’s– In 2020, when I was really– Towards the end of 2020, when I was like, uh, I had been wanting to leave my marriage for, I mean, since the week after we got married, and I was finally like, “I think I’m gonna figure this out.” Like, “I’ve got to figure this out.” And that sort of opened this portal. Now, , as you know, I left, I came back, we tried to work things out. I left again, and I’ve been gone, and I’m, been divorced, and I’ve lived in my apartment now for, you know, almost a couple years. So the, so, uh, you know, you would think, well, that whole chapter is closed, but no. But no. It, I feel like- There had been so much growing and healing over the past couple years, shifting who I am internally, and I think that this kind of finalized, like the final push through the birth canal, when I went to Florida. So you guys have heard me talk about this trip. I’m not gonna go into this trip anymore. But, you know, I went to Florida. I came back, there was a lot of grief ’cause I was like, “I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to do.” Then a few weeks later, I went to Vermont. That was a really hard trip for me, and I knew that I had healed so many things because I could see the patterns., I could see in my family of origin how they operated and why I chose the things that I did, and why I lived the way that I lived for so long, and why my marriage, components of it that were obviously not healthy, felt kind of okay to me. And when I was with my family, I was like, “Oh, this is why.” And that was a really hard thing. And again, grief, because I came back and I was like, “Oh my gosh, it’s not what I thought. It’s what I s- just saw.” And I think that in all of that, you know, the way that I communicate with, with all of you through the podcast or through Instagram is very real and comes from a place where I’m very authentic, I think that would be the word to use But I was shaky ground, so I didn’t know how to show up, and so I sort of withdrew. It’s not that I don’t know who I am or I… It was just like something had shifted, and I didn’t quite understand what that was yet. So this is where we are. So here’s the thing that I want to really talk about, which is that I went on the dating apps and because I know so many of you wanna know the deets on that, so let me kind of… I wanna tell you that if you listen to the birthday episode, we talked about how I went on the dating apps, maybe, maybe it was like March or something, and I, I was like, “Ew, no.” I was on them for like 24 hours. I asked for a refund. And so it just– I wasn’t there yet. Then I went through this whole metamorphosis, and I was like, “You know what? I’m, I, I have a really nice life. I feel really good about where I am. I’m really happy. I, I know who I am. I have things to share. It would be fun to have somebody that I could do fun things with, like to share my life and to see what their life was like.” Like that all started to sound fun to me. And so one night, I, I didn’t tell anybody, and I just was like, “I’m gonna do this,” and I did it very intentionally. I went on Hinge. I also went on Bumble because one of my girlfriends was like, “Oh, I loved Bumble.” But Bumble, you have to make the first move. Like that’s the thing is that women make the first move, and I can see how that could be really appealing, but that’s not what I wanted. Like I have spent a lifetime over-capacitating with men. I have spent a lifetime being the one, like to reach out and to do the things and to blah, blah, blah. And I don’t wanna do that anymore. Like I just don’t wanna be that, and I just thought if I start that way, like that’s sort of how it goes. I remember years ago, my former husband said to me, I was doing something in the kitchen, and he said, “It’s about time you start acting like a wife.” And I lost my ever-loving mind because I was like, “If I could have a husband, I wouldn’t have to act like the husband. I could act like the wife. But since I have to be the husband, I, you know, I’m not spending a lot of time in the kitchen.” So- When I’m looking at these apps, I’m like, “How do I want this to go, and what is it that I’m– that I want right now?” And I really wanted somebody to reach out to me. So, so I got on Hinge, and I did my profile pretty thoughtfully, I think. I tried to give information about myself instead of being vague. You know, some people will put like, “Dating me is like going to get coffee. Something that makes me happy is good coffee.” And I, you know, I really wanted to be intentional and put the energy out there that was right. And so, you know, to make that long story short, I, I met several people. I went out for drinks one night with somebody that was really nice. Not my guy, but like super nice. I met really nice people, and I think that sort of surprised me in a way, and might be my age. You know? If I– maybe if I was dating like a 30-year-old or a 40-year-old, which I just… I think I put my limit, like my age limit, and you can do it like so it’s a hard stop at like… Maybe I put even like 51. Like I was not into dating younger people. Uh, I think my age limit up was much higher. I think it was like maybe 69 or something. I went to a bar that’s here by my house at the Four Seasons that I like. So, so I’m gonna get to this. So they said, “Where do you wanna meet?” Okay? I had a lunch date and they said, “Where do you wanna meet?” And then I had a– met for drinks someplace else. “Where should we meet?” I don’t understand… And again, here I am, so I’m like, “Okay, I– you asked me, so I don’t know what you want. Like, I don’t know what your budget is. I don’t know where you wanna bring me. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You’re, you’re the one that invited me.” So I h- I had a brain cramp around that every single guy. And I thought, “You know what? Maybe it’s really hard right now to be a guy and to be like, ‘I, uh, I wanna give her a choice.'” But what would’ve been great, I think, is if somebody had said, “Great,” like, “Eight o’clock Saturday,” or seven… Eight o’clock. Come on, we all know I’m in bed by eight o’clock. Like, 4:30. “4:30 Saturday. Would you like to meet me here or here?” Like, that would’ve been great, you know? I, I just– I didn’t wanna be picking. Um, and then with some people it was like, “What about this? What about that?” “Okay, well, that doesn’t work. What about th-” I just was like, “Can you please make a decision?” So, so I’m just observing, you know? I’m just noticing. But I met really nice people, and I had a nice time. There wasn’t anybody that was, like, a real, , love connection, I think, for those first,, four or five dates. A couple people asked me out on a second date. I found it very interesting the things that people shared with me. I had really good conversations with everybody. ,

  4. Jul 17

    430: Who Are You Orbitting?

    In this episode, Betsy asks, are you feeling resentful? Are you feeling angry? Are you feeling invisible? She advises that the first place to look, is not him. The first place to look is where you’ve centered him and where you’ve disappeared. In the Navigate Method Betsy says, you can’t make a clear decision about your marriage from a place where you’ve already abandoned yourself. So listen in and learn how you can learn to live big! Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. This week, you’re getting this episode this week. I know on the, on Instagram, if you follow on Instagram, I was going to answer a bunch of questions, and that episode will be next week. Next week I’ll be in Belize for the retreat, and that’s the episode that will drop on Thursday. So look out for that. Joy and I just had… We had issues scheduling. It became like a chasing each other all day, and so I thought, “You know what? I, I have another thought,” something that we talked about in group. So I wanna get to this. Okay. So there’s this moment, I think, when we stop orbiting somebody else. I’m gonna explain what I mean here. But it’s, it’s when you stop, , checking their mood before you make a decision, or when you stop thinking about how they’re gonna perceive you before you get dressed. Does anybody else… Am I the only one that does this? Or if you cook. You know, you’re cooking dinner, and you’re like, “Uh, are they gonna like this?” I know that some of this stuff might sound like courtesy, but I wanna… Just hang with me here, because I wanna, , uh, like sort of separate this out, because I think there is a moment that this awareness happens. If you leave your partner or you’ve made a big change with how you experience your partnership, I think that there is a moment where this orbiting becomes really disorienting, and so disorienting that you’re starting to recognize that there’s, , this piece of you inside here that is… , you’re not even quite sure where she is. You, you have, like, pieces of her, but she is really contorting herself. You know what I think of, like, when I, when I think of this, is like, you know if you have a cat and then you have, like, a weird shaped item? And they get in the weird shaped item, and th- they’re still a cat, but they’re not really, like, cat shaped anymore. I remember when I moved into my apartment a couple years ago, you know, after my divorce, and I’m, I’m here in my place, and I had this awareness that I didn’t check to see what somebody else was doing or wanted to do, or where I needed to be in the house, you know? I, I, I didn’t have to think about whether my dinner was gonna make the house smell like something he wouldn’t like, or I didn’t have to wonder… I didn’t, I just didn’t have to think about anybody else. And even think about, when I put on an outfit, is this something that would be, I’m gonna say like acceptable, but hang with me as I think through this. Not like, it, not like I’m dressing like a, like a hoe, you know? But is this something that men would like? I mean, I think we put it through a filter. You know, we talk about dressing for the male gaze or dressing for the female gaze. And there was this moment where I was in my apartment and I recognized that everything that I was doing was still orbiting other people who weren’t even there. They weren’t even in the house. And honestly, it was weird. Because centering somebody else, even when you don’t like ’em, even when you’re tired from it, but it’s a habit. It is like a groove that you’ve worn into yourself. And I think when you stop, there is a place where that person used to be, and you have to figure out who you are when you’re not constantly thinking about somebody else. So I wanna talk about this, and I wanna talk about it in the frame of something that has come up over and over again in our groups. And it’s really about this centering and how we center other people. It could be anybody. It could be how we center our kids’ school or school activities or everything about our lives. And I wanna talk about why that matters so much inside a partnership. So let me back up just a little bit. I wanna name, , what I mean by, , centering. So to me, centering someone m- else means that their perspective, you know, their, their needs, maybe their mood or their comfort, becomes sort of this, like, organizing principle of your day. So it becomes the thing that you are making little, little and big decisions around. And I don’t think it’s conscious necessarily. I think it’s usually really automatic. , You wake up, and you’re already scanning maybe for his mood or for who needs what or for what you need to do to make the day m- run smoothly for everybody else, and you’re calculating. Like, is it a good time to say something? You know, you’re running through what you’re gonna make for dinner and whether he’ll like it, and you’re dressing for somebody else or for what you think everybody else would like or what’s popular or trending or whatever. And you’re realizing that you are making yourself smaller so that everybody else can stay the same size or even grow or expand or become who they are meant to be. And I think we’re taught that this is love. I think that we were taught that centering the people we love is what good women do I think my mother did it. You know, my mother centered the kids for sure. She centered me and my sister. She centered my dad, for sure. , My grandmother did it. I, I think we just see it everywhere. , This idea that a, a woman, I’m gonna say a man, shapes herself around a man, but we really can shape ourselves around just about anything, you know? It’s, it’s really the version of us that makes it our job to keep the peace and to adjust. And I think we call it, , being a good partner or sacrifice or I’m devoted to this thing. You know, we, we call it marriage. But, but I think it’s an element of self-abandonment. And I wanna say, you might be like, “I don’t mind doing that all the time.” Maybe sometimes, but then is it conscious? And if it’s unconscious, is it truly a choice or is it you disappearing? And I think it gets a little bit tricky because self-abandonment doesn’t feel like a bad thing when you’re doing it. , It feels safe. It feels like you’re doing a good job, you know? It feels like you’re managing things or managing a situation or, or, or keeping it all together, you know? I remember that commercial, and I know I’ve mentioned it here before, but even as a kid, I was like, “This seems f****d up.” But it was like the, um, I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man. I’m like, look, you get, like, maybe two of those things out of three. Like, likely not. Pick one. I don’t know. But I think that there happens, , in, in our lives when we feel like what we’re doing is really being great, and marketing has taught us that, , our lives have taught us that. And then I think one day you realize that the reason you feel lonely in this partnership isn’t because you’re alone, but it’s because you lost yourself somewhere along the way, and maybe you realize that you’ve been gone for so long that you don’t actually know how to come back. So something that comes up in our groups over and over, and a couple weeks ago we were all talking, and I had this, , moment, you know? , And when I say groups, inside the Navigate method, this is my program that helps women make the big decision on whether to stay or leave your, their marriage. You can find out more about that on our website, or you can book a call to talk to us at betsypake.com. Okay. So- We were talking about it, and I had this thought. Now, this might be a thought y- that you’re gonna be like, “This is an obvious thought,” but the way it hit me was a little different. And I was like, men aren’t taught to de-center themselves. They are actually taught the opposite. They’re taught what we’re taught, which is to center them. They’re taught that their perspective is the one that matters, that their needs are the most important, and that the world kind of revolves around them at, at least a, a little bit, you know? And I’m not saying all men are like this. I’m not, I’m not saying anything is absolute. Humans are individuals, right? But I think this is a pattern, and I think when we’re socialized, and I think when we’re in the patriarchal system that we have all grown up with here, , I think it comes up, like constantly. And so you have a situation where she has disappeared, and he is centered. So she’s checking his mood. He’s not checking hers. And she’s thinking about her, how her actions affect him, and he is really not thinking about how his actions affect her Or if he is, it, it doesn’t come off in the same way, right? , She’s making sure he’s okay, and he doesn’t think to ask. And then she tries to communicate. She tries to say, “Hey, you know, this thing happened that hurt me. , This thing doesn’t feel good.” And he genuinely can’t see it from her perspective. It’s not because he’s a jerk. It’s not because he’s a terrible person. It’s because he is so centered in his own experience., His experience is the experience. His way of seeing things is the way. And so she’s trying to explain something from, , the outside looking in, and he’s looking from the inside looking o

  5. Jul 9

    429: Not This

    In this episode the big take away is, you don’t have to know exactly what you want to begin; clarity can start with “Not This.” Betsy explains that naming what you won’t tolerate draws a line, reveals vital self-information, and starts a practical rhythm of change where action creates clarity over time. Another reminder that we don’t have to have every detail figured out. There is power in knowing what you don’t want. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.  Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. Happy after the 4th. Last week was the Fourth of July week, you know, or before the Fourth of July, I guess, and I took several days off, which was actually , a really welcome rest. And I thought I was gonna take time off from work, but , get all these projects done, and I feel like I just was really depleted. I ended up just resting and going where the g- going where the wind took me, . And yeah, just kind of allowing my body to get what it needed, and I feel so much better coming back this week. You know, I took time off in February when I went to Morocco, but that’s really the last time that I had off. , I’ve gone away for weekends and stuff, but that time in Morocco was so hectic. So I feel like it’s been since Christmas since I’ve just been able to, like, you know, take a nap in the afternoon and chill out. Uh, there was one day where it started… It was a nice day, and then at, like, 2:00 in the afternoon, it started raining, and I was like, “Oh, that’s my cue.” I just, like, stripped down and got in bed in the middle of the day. I was like, “This is perfect. This is exactly what I needed.” So I did get some things done, though, and one of the things that I have been working on is the retreat that we have at the end of this month, at the end of July, , in Belize. So we are going to Belize for the Reimagined Life Retreat, and I’m super excited about it. I have been ordering the little things that I want for the gift bags and ordered a couple things for the first five people, got some special things in their gift bag. So I ordered those things. And when I got the order in the other day, I got it from a company called Huckberry, and , it’s, , one of those companies that sends like You know, you get stuff, and it’s, , wrapped in tissue paper, and then there’s, a little note from the founders and, , a sticker. You know what I’m talking about? And I think it’s, , an outdoorsy company. I actually knew what it was I wanted, and I Googled it, and then I came upon this company, and so I ordered it. And I got this little card inside, and I wanna read it to you because it really got me thinking, as I li- as I like to do. Find a random thing and then overthink it. Okay, so I’m gonna read to you what this little note says that they put inside all their packages. It’s from the two co-founders, and it says We were on a rickety chairlift in Tahoe when we decided to go for it. Looking back, we didn’t know exactly what it was, but we knew what it wasn’t: staring at spreadsheets for the rest of our lives. We quit our jobs, invested 10K each, and vowed to bring Huckberry to life, no matter what it took. And what started as a small shop run out of our apartments has grown into something way bigger than us, a brand that is equal parts store and source of in- inspiration, helping guys like us suck the marrow out of life. I don’t know. I didn’t even look at the rest of the website. Maybe it’s menswear. , But the bags that I got, I got on that site. So here’s… It is a source of inspiration because of this little card that I thought about for a long time. And I actually, , I saved it and put it on my kitchen counter, and I was like, “I’m gonna go back to that.” You know, h- how often do we wait to know what we want before we move? Right? How often do we tell ourselves, “I am gonna really go for it when I know exactly what it looks like,” like, when I have it all mapped out, when everything in the plan is complete and I know exactly what all the steps will be? But these guys didn’t wait for a vision. They waited for the knowing, and that knowing was of what they were not willing to do anymore. And that’s the part that I kept thinking about, because I think a lot of times we don’t know the path, but we do know not this. And I think that is a missing piece for so many of the women that I talk to, you know? They’ll say, “I don’t know what it is that I want.” I hear that all the time, and I kind of hate that we’re supposed to know. I don’t know. I, I have said often when we do, , goal-setting stuff or inside the Navigate method, like, every year I’ll do, , a goal-setting workshop, and I always say, , we’re not setting… At the beginning of the year, I, I just never go, like, five-year goals. I know there probably is some data on why that could be helpful to me. I just have no idea who I’m gonna be. I don’t even know who I’m gonna be next summer, you know? And I think wanting to have all the pieces in place and to feel a level of certainty about anything in our lives is really, really valid. And I think knowing what you don’t want, not this, is actually a okay place to start because it is information about what you’re willing to tolerate, all the things. All the things. Okay. So when I think about what happens when someone is able to say, like in our groups, like someone is able to say… And I wanna say, like, well, you know, I’m, I’m framing this around relationship just ’cause this is what we’re talking about, but , it could be anything. This could be your work, your, you know, , your career, the way things are going. Maybe you’re in a career that you’re like, “I don’t even know what it is that I want, but it’s not this.” Oh, like, just being able to say that and have the relief, feel the relief of that acknowledgement is huge. I don’t know what I want, but it’s not this. It’s not what I have right now. And that is not vague talking. That’s not, , wishy-washy. That can actually be a statement of fact. You know, when you say that, when you actually say it and mean it, you are telling yourself something that’s true. And whether it is intentional or not, you’re drawing a line. And , that moment, you know, that you draw the line, you get a next level of information about yourself. And, , I know I talk a lot on here about, like, how our brains work and how we process information. And I know that our unconscious minds love metaphor. That’s why I tell so many stories on here. But I think that when we are trying to get someplace other than where we are, but we don’t acknowledge where we are, it would be like if you got in your car and you set your GPS, but you, it, but your GPS had no idea where you were starting from. , You’d never be able to figure out how to get, even if you knew you were going to Target, if your GPS didn’t know inherently where you were, it would be very confusing and really challenging to get where you wanted to go. And I think a lot of us think, “I have to have the entire picture before I can make any kind of move.” And I think that we think that we need to know what every step is going to feel like and look like and, and what will happen. But the truth is, the very first part of that is just knowing not this. Not this. Because I think that’s actually how any change begins. You know, life isn’t exactly the way that we want it, right? Life isn’t you know exactly what you want, and you go out and you get it, and then you’re done, and it’s a clear trajectory, and you are making all the next steps and the next right steps and the next right steps, and things fall in line, and people come into your awareness that make it all happen with ease and flow. I mean, that would be so freaking co- uh, sign me up for that. That’s where I’m going. That’s where, that’s where I’m going. But what life actually is, is you know what you don’t want Like that’s how it starts. You make a decision based on that, and then you move just a little bit. And as you move, things start to become clearer, right? You push down that road for a little while. You, you rest for a little while, and then you adjust, and then you push again. It’s like a rhythm, you know? It’s not just like a straight line. And, you know, I think the Huckberry guys here didn’t know what their company would become. They just knew that they weren’t gonna spend the next 40 years, of, of their life in a, in an office watching spreadsheets. And so they went, right? They just went, and in the going, it is in the doing, it is in the showing up day after day that they figured out what it was. And I, , I’m willing to bet the site that I didn’t even look at, I just bought the one, the one thing that I wanted from their website. I am willing to bet that things will look different in five years than they do now, in 10 years than they do now. Maybe they’ll sell the company. Maybe they’ll be done. Maybe someday they’ll look at this and go, “Not this.” Because that’s just how life works, you know? And so here’s kind of what I want, where I wanna go with this. I wanna offer you the idea that you don’t have to know what you want yet, but I want you to know what you don’t want. I want you to get really clear on that, on the thing that you are not willing to do anymore. Like , on the way of being that you know just doesn’t fit, you know? On the pieces of your life that feel too small or too quiet or, or there’s

  6. Jun 25

    428: My Move to the Beach and How to Change Your Mind

    Is Betsy moving to the beach? Inquiring minds want to know. Tune in to get the update, and remember that changing course isn’t failure or indecisiveness it’s just listening to oneself, and that not knowing yet isn’t being stuck. It’s important to remain open as we evolve. Decisions can be amended, updated to reflect our needs and wants as we grow. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. This is gonna be sort of a shorter show, a shorter episode, and the reason… Well, the reason is ’cause there’s not a lot to talk about with this, but I did wanna give a really important update. You know, I, I had this thought and I wanted to share it with you. It’s kind of a follow-up to an episode that I did a few months ago. If you remember, we talked about how I make big decisions, and I went through, , this whole thought process. And one of the things that I had decided to do in that episode, and I talked about it in the birthday Q&A episode, was moving to the beach, to Florida specifically. And I think in the big decision episode, it was, I was really heavily leaning towards California. Anyway, a few days ago, yesterday maybe, I posted on Instagram that I had come to the realization about the beach and that I felt like I was sort of grieving. And a lot of people messaged me. , I was surprised how many people messaged me and said, “Wait, are you not moving to the beach? What’s happening?” And so I thought maybe we need to do a little update, because I’m certainly not trying to hi- As you know, I tell all the things. And one of the things about this episode, and I think with my social media, and I think just with me in general, is that I tell- things in real time. Like, uh, you know, unless it’s something painful, I wait until I’ve processed those things. But, , if it’s something that I’m actively working on, I think that’s sort of the beauty of this show, right? Is that as things are being in development, w- I share and we talk about them, and I’m noodling through things. And so I wanna talk about this a little bit, … So let’s talk, let’s start from the episode where I talked about big decisions. And man, did I feel like California was the place. In fact, I still do. If somebody came down with a magic wand and said, “There will be no loss, only positive. Where would you like to go?” I would absolutely say I wanna go to California. But there is loss, and there is trade-offs to things. And when I really weighed things from , like, from the place where I am standing, California felt too big. I actually questioned, is it a nervous system thing? , Is it just my nervous system saying I can’t handle that? But I absolutely believe I can handle that. I, I don’t think it was that, and I’m, I’m gonna get into some pieces of this, ’cause it all plays out. But at that time, I, feel like there is one aspect of this that’s financial, and I am d- of the belief, and I stand by this, that financial things work themselves out. I really don’t have a lot of fear. I probably need, I probably need a little healthier amount of fear around finances, and I just believe everything works itself out. I, , it always has, it always does. I just don’t worry about it. , I had a friend that reached out to me, , I don’t know, a month or six weeks ago, and she said, “I have accumulated some business debt, and I’m really stressing out about it.” And I said, “Just don’t look at it.” Just don’t look at it. And she was like, “Well, no, I mean, I…” And I said, “Yeah, I mean, it, it is going to be there whether you look at it or not, but you looking at it is making you feel like crap, and when you feel like crap, you’re not gonna be creating more of it. So why don’t we just not look at it for a little while? Or if you feel like you have to look at it, like, block off 15 minutes every night and think about it. But other than that, don’t think about it. It’s not helping you.” And that’s just been my philosophy, so I just don’t worry about stuff. I know that there are thousands and thousands of people that live in California and figure out the finances, so I know I can too. That wasn’t my worry. There was a little bit of a worry of how I structure my business, some of the ways that I have contractors I couldn’t necessarily have in that way in California. But also there was a point of if I’m making really good s- sound decisions as a 55-year-old woman, it would be a different sound decision financially if I was a 30-year-old woman. , My runway would be different. And when I looked at what I was would be paying in taxes, the difference in the taxes was substantial, taxes on my business. And I thought, you know, is it worth looking for other places just in case there’s another place that I would like just as well? But I wanna tell you that the financial piece really wasn’t the clincher for me, ’cause All that stuff is figure-out-able. Here was the clincher. And I’m gonna make this as simple, , when I describe it as I can, but then we’ll dive into it a little bit, but- I grew up on the East Coast. I’ve always wanted to live on the West Coast, but I grew up on the East Coast. My father is 85 years old, and he lives on the East Coast. All my friends from high school that are my closest friends, they all live on the East Coast, in New England, most of them. My son lives on the East Coast, and the thought, although he is great, he’s 24, he’s doing well, although the thought of moving felt really fun, the thought of being in a place where I could get home without… Like, I could get in my car and get to any one of those people felt really important to me. And when I thought about living on the West Coast and having to… Like, you know, it wasn’t even like I’d have to buy a $1,500 plane ticket, although I would, to get home. And so if I wanted to come home every month, that would be a substantial thing to plan. If somebody was sick or somebody needed me, you know, , to move away at, like, was a whole other layer. So this is what… So those two things are the things that I was like, “Okay, so let me just start taking a look.” And I started looking, and I’m telling you, like, when I say I st- When I say I was looking, , I wasn’t just, , looking at a map. I was going… I, I went all the way around the coast of Florida, and I used YouTube and I used realtors’ videos. So you can find a realtor anywhere you wanna go, and they will do walking tours. They will show apartment buildings. They will show streets and parking lots. I mean, you can find, , a map of the world on YouTube. So- I went all the way down the coast. Besides the fact that I have been to… My dad lived in Florida for 30 years. My step brothers and sisters lived in Florida. , I, I’m very familiar with Florida. , But I checked out all the little places that I might wanna look at, and what I finally decided was I really wanted to be near an airport, like a bigger airport, and I wanted to be in a place where it was a blue dot. You know,, Florida is a red state, and it was important for me to find like-minded people that I could live near and be friends with. Now, I don’t need everybody to think just like me. That’s not what I’m saying, but I do have a trans son, and I wanted to be able to have him come visit in a place where he felt comfortable and loved and supported. And so, you know, I finally decided. I was like, St. Pete seems like a really great place. It’s a blue dot in a red state. It’s near a big airport in Tampa. I have some people that I know that live nearby. My neighbor here in Atlanta used to live there, and we went out to lunch, and she… We pulled out the map, and she gave me all the places to look at. And I planned that trip for my birthday to go down, and I’m, was so sure, I was so sure that I was gonna go down there that weekend and find an apartment. I planned to give notice at my apartment in just a couple days, like July 1st, so then I would move in August, ’cause I have to give two months’ notice. And I was so sure, I bought a plane ticket to go to London. You know, I’m going to London in November, and I bought the plane ticket from Tampa. , That’s how certain I was based on all the research I had done, how I was feeling, everything. So I bought a plane ticket, and I was like, “I’m going down there. I’m gonna find my apartment, figure out where I wanna live. I’m gonna give my notice, break my lease, and I’m gonna move in August after my retreat in Belize in July.” And I felt really good and aligned, and I went down there, and I really had the best time. I met a friend of mine down there, and I mean, I r- I really am so grateful I went down, We went everywhere. Like, we went everywhere, drove everywhere, checked every little place out, and I just couldn’t find a place that, felt right. I felt like I was trying to fit into something that didn’t have room for who I am becoming. And I want to explain something about that, ’cause I think this is where a lot of times we get stuck, is we make a decision, you know, we make a plan, and we commit to it. And then when we get there, or when we get close, we feel something that tells us this isn’t it. And instead of listening to that feeling, we push harder. We try to convince ourselves. We gaslight ourselves, right? And we say, like, “Well, I already decided. I already bought a plane ticket. I already told people. I already started.” B

  7. Jun 18

    427: Embrace the Process

    Do you ever wish you could fast forward your life through the hard parts just to get to the good stuff? In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy reminds us that getting forged during the tough times is actually part of our reclamation. Skipping over that part would be a disservice to our growth, resilience and strength. Maybe that is where the saying ‘no pain, no gain’ came from? Enjoy the listen and embrace the process:) Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show today. I have been doing… I, I’ve been on w- I’ve been on what I call a podcast tour. So I have been on a podcast tour where I am guests on people’s podcasts. I’ll be sharing those so you can listen if you’re interested, but it’s been really fun. We’ve had dozens of them scheduled, and I have been doing, , it feels like a podcast a day. I did one yesterday. I did one this morning, early this morning. And so as I’ve been doing that, there has been something that’s been coming up, and I thought, “You know what? This keeps coming up in all these conversations, and I feel like it’s a really good conversation to have together here on the show.” And I think even if you are , if you’re listening , and you’re thinking like, “I’m single,” or, “I’m happily married,” this, the… I, wanna say it like this, like the, root of what I’m saying can kind of overlap lots of situations even though the dynamic that I’m gonna explain it in is gonna be about your marriage, okay? With a- w- your partnership, your relationship, whatever that looks like. And I’m gonna try and relate back to other things just so you can kinda see how this overlays lots of things, as, as things do. You know? Nothing is in a vacuum, as they say. So one of the things that keeps coming up in these conversations is about what I hear from so many women, and it is that they know that they would like to leave their husband. And they say like, “If, if you could just wave a magic wand. , I just wanna be down the street in my apartment and settled and be through this thing. I don’t wanna have to actually go through this thing. I just wanna be done with it.” And I hear this over and over and over again, and I have said this. I have said this so many times in my journal. When I look back in my journals, it’s, it, , there is c- so often, like these exact words. , “I am so clear that I don’t wanna be here. I’m so clear that this feels terrible, and I don’t wanna go through what I have to go through in order to get to where I wanna be. And if I could just snap my fingers and be there, then absolutely that is what I would do.” And I think, you know, I think this process is hard. Any time you are moving from one place to another place that you wanna be, whether it’s a big move, leaving a relationship, changing your career, it is hard. And being in the middle of it is hard, and deciding you’re gonna step into what you know is gonna be like a little hurricane before you get to where you wanna go is really hard But what I realized when I started hearing this repeatedly is that there is something underneath that wish. There is something that’s really important, and I want to talk about that. You guys have … You may have heard me talk about this earlier in the year, but on January 1st of this year, I woke up and I was, I was mad. I was I woke up, like, big mad, and I don’t ever wake up mad. , I don’t wanna say ever, never, ’cause I did one day on January 1st, but I, I That is not a typical thing. Like, I’m pretty, , springy out of bed and happy-go-lucky. But this year, I woke up and I was mad. And I woke up mad and I thought, “This is really weird,” because I love, , the, the beginning of a week, the first of a month. Give me the beginning of a year, , I’m like, fresh starts. Like, I love all that stuff, you know? I love setting goals and I love, like, all, of what n- New Year’s means. And so it was weird to me that I felt so angry, and the first thing I thought was that I was mad at my former husband. And that was a weird feeling, because I don’t really think about him. And I realized that I was The, the feeling felt so im- , urgent. It felt very urgent, and my instinct really was, like, it’s the first of the year. I have the day off. There’s a lot to celebrate. I need to just put this aside. Like, brush it asi- you know how we do., I’m gonna focus on other things. And then I thought, “No, no, no. Let me sit. I wanna get, I wanna get big, big mad. I wanna figure this out. , Why is this at my doorstep?” And so I sat. Like you may know, I have my, my thinking chair. And so I sat in my chair and I thought about it, and I thought about it, and I let myself feel it, all the places it was in my body, where it was settling, h- what it felt to me like it looked like, like, how the weight of it, like, all the things. And after some time of noodling through what was actually happening, I realized something. It was that I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at me. I was mad at all those times, all those different circumstances where I should have stood up for myself, where I should have risen from my seat and said, “No more,” and walked away, where I should have said something and I didn’t. And what I recognized after some time was that in each of those situations that I was mad at And that morning, it just, all these instances came into my mind, and what I realized was that each version of me in those situations I was remembering, that version of me that stayed in that difficult situation, was a version of me that was adapting and changing. And she wasn’t always adapting and changing to my detriment. You know, when I, thought back of all these instances, and I was… I thought, “I’m mad at him for this, and I’m mad at him for that, and I’m mad at him,” and I realized I was mad at me for not standing up and leaving. I was mad at me for allowing someone to treat me that way. And when I really sat with it, I realized that I was growing into the version of me who could finally choose herself. And when it was finally time to leave, the version of myself that was resolute and clear and ready for what was next was forged because of those moments. She didn’t stay longer because she was unable. She stayed longer because she ne- needed to be fortified to be able to make a different choice. You know, th- just like you in your marriage or at your work or whatever it is that you’re going through, there are so many moments, you know, when, when you think like, “I knew something wasn’t right. Like, I felt it. I had the knowing, but I didn’t act on it.” And I think that is what had made me so mad on January 1st. I was mad at all the moments that I had the knowing and I didn’t do anything. But it really changed everything when I got this different perspective, that those moments, those versions of me that stayed even though I knew something was wrong, they weren’t weak. It was me adapting. It was me gathering evidence. It was me becoming a version of myself that would eventually be the version of myself that sits here now. So when I felt the anger on January 1st, I,, I was angry at all the places where I had the knowing and didn’t act But those versions of me weren’t weak, they were adapting. . We think of adapting like it’s something that happens to us, like it’s defeat. But adaptation can actually be one of the most powerful things that you can do as a human. It is how we survive. It is, it is how we evolve. It is how we become whoever we need to be for the next moment. And I want you to think about the different versions of yourself. You know, not the versions that people see, the versions that you know about. You know, the versions of you that maybe knew something was wrong, but didn’t have the language for it yet. I found this in my marriage, that having the language for things made really complicated, hurtful experiences make more sense. Language is so important, and I think there is a version of you that likely didn’t believe that you deserved better, right? There’s a version of you that rationalized and minimized and made excuses. There is a version of you that people-pleased so close to the sun that you disappeared a little bit every single day. Do you see what I’m saying? Those versions of you aren’t, failures. They’re like … It’s like a way station, ? They’re the place where you had to learn something, where you gathered a whole bunch of evidence, and where you built the muscle of knowing that something didn’t feel right, even when you weren’t ready to act on it. I think that distinction is really important, because we can know something but still not be ready to act on it, and that is an okay place to be. What’s important is that we are honest with ourselves about our knowing. And every single one of those versions of you are necessary. , Every single moment of, staying small, every single moment of adaptation, , every single moment of where you knew but didn’t act is really important, because they led somewhere. So I couldn’t have gotten to the place that I got without being in the place that I was. That version of me, I feel like I’m kinda going around the horse a million times, but that version of me was made up of all those other versions, right? She was the accumulated learning of a woman who had tried everything else, and she was the resolved version of someone who had finally, gotten to the point where staying was more painful than

  8. Jun 11

    426: How to choose yourself

    On todays episode, Betsy talks about healing, traveling back to her hometown and how to really choose yourself in the face of pressure and old dynamics. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, fellow adventurers. Hi, everybody. I am back home after a long weekend of being in Vermont. That’s where I grew up, in Vermont, and that’s where my dad still lives. He lived for a long time in Vermont and in Florida, and about a year ago decided to sell his home in Florida, and he’s just in Vermont full-time. So, um, he is 85 years old, and weirdly seems really young. And I know it’s not just me. I know it’s not just my bias view, because I saw so many of my friends from high school, and I’ll get into that, but they all were like, “Why does your dad seem so young? Like, he seems just like he did even 20 years ago.” It is a little unnerving. He’s like Benjamin Button, I guess. Rides his bike, goes to the gym three times a week. He’s very busy, and cognitively still really there. I don’t know. I know intellectually 85 is, you know, a- an advanced age, but I guess the older we get, the more young older age seems. And now 85 just doesn’t seem that old to me, but I know cognitively, I know that it, it is. So this past weekend- I went up to Vermont because my best friend growing up, I had a best friend named Heather, and her younger sister was just a year younger, so Linny. So Linny and Heather were my very best friends, and I spent every waking moment with them. Um, if you have been here for a long time, you may remember when my friend Heather’s mom died about five years, four years ago probably now. Um, and I went up to Vermont and just flew in, went to the hospital, and stayed a few days and then left. So I didn’t see anything in Vermont. It wasn’t like a real visit, but I went up for that. My mom and Heather’s mom were very best friends, so our families were very, very connected. And so a few months ago, Heather’s dad, Bob, passed away, and they were having, like, a celebration of life for him. And so I, I, I really don’t go, like, I’m using air quotes, home very often. I hadn’t been since before I was married, except for when, you know, to go to the hospital, when Michelle was in the hospital. So, you know, it’s… I really don’t go. I, I joke that the only thing that will get me to make the trek home is Heather and Linny. Um, but, you know, they needed me, and so of course I was gonna go, and Bob was such an important part of my life. It feels funny calling him Bob. That was his name. But Daddy Oved is what I c- I called him Daddy or Dad or Mr. Oved. Um, but when he passed away and they were having this celebration for him, then I really wanted to go, and it was really beautiful actually. You know, so many people came to the celebration. It was, like, at the legion hall there in the little town where I grew up. And so many of my friends from growing up were there. You know, people whose lives he had touched, and I think really importantly People who find Heather and Linney to be really important. You know, I think it was also such a beautiful example of the impact that they have on the world, you know, and on their, on their world. And so anyway, it was really nice. Um, you know, Heather still lives in Vermont, has lived a couple places, but she’s back in Vermont, and Linney is just outside New York City. So, you know, it was nice to have everybody come and to see so many friends. And, you know, seeing those friends from growing up, it, it’s like a light, nice little reunion, you know? I think that Mr. Ovitt was complicated, like a lot of our dads. Not especially emotional, but you knew that he cared about you. I remember, and my dad was mentioning this, and, and we talked about this a little bit, but when my mom died, Mr. Ovitt was the first one over at the house and just started cooking for everybody. And I remember actually sitting in my family room. Everybody was in the living room, and I had gone to, like, the family room to kinda, like, get away from all the people. I mean, I was, I was stunned. I was stunned and in shock. But I remember looking from the couch and seeing him leaning over the kitchen and, or over the kitchen sink and doing something. And, um, and yeah, it was just, he had an impact on, on all, on all of our lives. And then, of course, my dad still lives in Vermont, and so I made sure that I planned this trip also around visiting him while I was there, and that’s really kinda what I wanna talk about. You know, I think it can be hard sometimes to go back to the place where we were, who we were, and try and keep the version of us that exists today. I think this is why so many people, you know, fight at the holidays and all that, because we have changed or grown so much, and then you go home, and you are expected to be the same. You know, I wonder sometime if I do this to my own child, you know? I expect them to be a certain way ’cause that’s the way they are. And so in all of that, in trying to manage that experience for myself, I decided to stay at a hotel down the street from where my dad and his wife live. I thought this would be really nice for me so that I could have my own space. And, you know, I knew that going to have this visit was gonna be tricky. You know- I, I’m gonna guess that you all kinda know what I mean by that, right? Like, family dynamics can be really complicated sometimes, and sometimes you just need to have a plan. You know, you need to know how you’re gonna move through it without disappearing into it. And so, you know, the celebration of life for Bob was super nice, and, um, that was on a Saturday. I got there on, um, like the middle of the night on a Thursday. The flights, the flights from Atlanta to Vermont are not simple. Um, but I spent the day with my dad and his wife on Friday, and the celebration of life, and I stayed with my friend, and then went back to a hotel the following day. So all of it was really nice, but at, you know, at the end of the night, my, my family wanted me to stay with them. They wanted me to go get my stuff from the hotel and just stay with them. You know, just keep- Like, c- I, and I guess I understand this in a, in a way, right y’all? Like, we want our children under our roof. Like, I, I, I understand this. But that isn’t the kind of relationship that I really have with my family. And so I had to really decide which version of me is gonna show up here. Is it the old version of me? And really, it’s a version of me from maybe 15 years ago. I haven’t been there since before I got married, like, for a visit. You know, before all the things that I have looked at and healed over the past, you know, I would say 2010, I probably started my real heal- healing journey, so the past 16 years. You know, am I going, am I going to be the version of me who used to show up with them, or am I gonna be the version of me that has done the work? You know, am I gonna be the version of me that would’ve just folded and done what they wanted? You know, if they pressured me or asked me enough, I would’ve just said, “Oh, you’re right, I’ll just do it. It’s easier.” You know, she would have stretched herself thin and made herself available even though she didn’t have it in her. You know, it, I think that at the end of the day she would’ve resented them a little. She would’ve resented them for asking. She would’ve resented herself for doing what they wanted. And I think that in a lot of ways, and I’m gonna say something that’s gonna sound very dramatic, but it would have put me in the crosshairs for continued trauma. And I, I say this, and I know it sounds dramatic. We all have our things with family, so I’m not saying my thing is worse or better or, eh, you know, anything about the degrees of it other than my body and my nervous system interprets what’s happening as a layer of trauma. So what I noticed on this trip was that my body was really working to keep me out of the crosshairs of further injury, and it was a lot to navigate. It was a thing and a moment where I think I had to honor The version of me who was healed and recognizing when something didn’t feel right so that I could make a different choice in the moment. And I could feel it when I would make a different choice, and my whole body would relax. And I would say, “Okay, well, that was the right choice.” My nervous system was speaking to me so, so clearly. And I think when we have lived in a certain way for so long, and then we heal, and then we go back to the place where we used to be that old version of ourselves, it can be really difficult to stay in the version of us that lives our everyday life. You know, I think that when I look at my life in Vermont and the time that I had spent there, and, and really I left, I mean, I left right after high school and went to college, but I would come back. For the first year, I think, of college I went back to my dad’s house. After that, I didn’t go back. I would stay with my sister at her apartment when my dorm would shut down, you know? But, you know, we have continued cr- you know, interactions with our family even if we don’t live with them. And so I feel like when I was there this particular time as a healed person for the first time in 15 years, I could see so clearly my old patterns, the patterns of the people around me, and really why so many things felt familiar inside my marriage. Like, why I chose the way that I chose. Because those same things were actually

See All (324)

4.9
out of 5
194 Ratings

About

The Art of Living Big is a weekly podcast designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life.

Information

You Might Also Like