"Submissive" sounds like losing: to yield, obey, defer. So why do so many strong, capable women crave it in bed? Submission is a loaded word, and even after a decade of teaching this I still feel strange saying a woman feels best when she yields to a man. It needs context. In a healthy relationship, a woman's submission is a free, conscious choice, with no pressure or convincing. It grows from safety and trust, and a man's calm presence is what lets her relax first and get excited second. In this episode I talk about submission in a sexual context: the difference between a woman giving and a woman being taken, what "do whatever you want to me" asks of you, why yielding is how anyone receives pleasure, why anger and resentment make her pacify you instead of surrender, the habits that kill seduction, and how to entice her instead of expecting it. In this episode Safety comes first. She relaxes, then she gets excited, and that safety is what lets her yield. It's her choice. No force, no convincing, no coercion. Yielding lets her receive. You can't enjoy pleasure while pushing it away. Pacifying isn't submitting. If she gives in to calm you down, nobody wins. Entice, don't expect. Begging, keeping score and sulking are the opposite of seduction. Chapters 0:00A Loaded Word 0:33What Submissive Means 1:06Safety Comes First 2:15A Voluntary Choice 3:20In the Bedroom 3:54Who's Submissive During Oral? 5:30Being Taken 6:41"Do Whatever You Want" 8:12Yielding to Receive 9:19When It's Healthy, Everyone Wins 9:50Sex Isn't Owed 10:56Anger Is Not Leadership 12:31Entice, Don't Expect 13:06What Kills Seduction 14:13Seduction in 30 Seconds 15:17Don't Push the Same Button Watch the episode Listen nextHow to Be Dominant in the Bedroom (Without Being a Jerk)→ Read the transcript 0:00Hi, my name is Tari from closeness.com and today we're going to have a nice little talk about seduction and being submissive. The word submissive, I think, inherently has a very dangerous context. It's something I like to call a loaded word. It's like saying God, money, power. We all know what it is, but we have very different definitions for it. Dominance, submission, sex. And all of these phrases are very activating for people. 0:26So let's quickly define what being submissive actually is, because even the definition, I'm sure, is not going to sound great. To many people, being submissive means that you feel inclined to obey, yield, or defer to the will, authority, or desires of another. 0:43Now, when you hear that by itself, who's interested in that? I don't want to yield to the authority of another. Who is this other? And I don't think that every woman should yield and be submissive to any man. But if you are a woman, you also know that it's in your nature to want and to crave things like that. At the very least in the bedroom, you may not want them out and about, though most women find that when they find a man who's able to be that way everywhere, they love it because it helps you relax, feel safe, unwind. 1:18Most men don't have this thing in our heads where we are angsty and up in arms and worried everywhere we go and don't feel safe and are unsure. And what a man's masculine energy does is it soothes just a man's presence for most women, if he's not too silly, goofy, arrogant, you know, too much of anything. Most of the time, masculine presence relaxes women and then excites them. And sometimes that transitions really quick. She feels safe and then she feels wet, she feels comfortable and then she feels excited and curious. But that safety is what allows her to submit. 2:01And the funny thing is, even me, you know, a decade of experience teaching this stuff, I too still feel funny saying, oh, women will feel best when she's submissive to a man. That's a heavy statement. You can't just deliver that and then let it be. There's more to it. So I want to add this layer in the context of a woman being submissive to a man in relationship, it often involves a voluntary, conscious choice on her part. That means no force, no convincing, and no coercion. A voluntary, conscious choice to prioritize her partner's leadership, decisions and needs with the aim of creating harmony. But this dynamic is generally based on mutual respect, trust, a desire to support their partner rather than some kind of forced or passive powerlessness. 2:56Often what it means is that she delivers a softer approach rather than a combative one or a forceful one. Men tend to be like this. Women tend to be a little more like that. Now, friends, how you organize your relationship, if you see yourselves as two equal partners and she makes decisions and he makes decisions, and this is working for your relationship, far be it from me to interfere, but I want to talk to you about it in a sexual context, obviously, where a woman submits to the sexual direction and leadership of a man. And here again, far be it from me to say a woman can never lead. I love it when she does. When a woman never can get on top or initiates sex, it's all great on my part too. And I think that some of the best sexual experiences intermingle. And it's not just the man leading, leading, leading, leading, leading, leading. There's a give and take. 3:48But I find, especially at least when it comes to sex, that it still needs to be like, within the container of masculine leadership. And I'll give you a very easy example. I like the example of oral sex or a man receiving a b*****b because it's something that a woman is giving or performing or offering or doing for her male partner. It's how it's usually seen. Well, if a woman is doing that to a man, isn't he, in that moment, submissive? Doesn't he just lay back and relax? And the answer is sometimes. But how did you get there? Now, if a woman is really turned on, she loves you, she likes you, she's really horny, you guys have a good thing going. There's great chemistry. It's very easy for her to lay a man back, take down his pants and go to work. But I don't think that's the most exciting version for her, unless she's super into feeling powerful over a man or she loves the feeling of giving him pleasure. These are all valid things. 4:49And I think things like that happen all the time in the early stages of relationships when you meet someone for the first time or you're recently married or, you know, the first month or two or year or two of your relationship. I think a sexual woman feels very comfortable and confident to try and do these things and. Or she'll do these things in Vegas at the Foam Cannon party at the Playboy Mansion and all these other exotic spots, Ibiza, where certain types of behavior aren't reprimanded and certain types of behavior are encouraged. There's another kind of submissiveness. And that, I think, is what most people are expecting and are familiar with when they're thinking about a woman being submissive to a man. And that's kind of an idea of a femme sub, where she's being submissive for the pleasure of a man and his pleasure and him taking her and him doing things to her that he wants to do is turning her on. 5:47This doesn't work for everybody. I don't even think it works for most people. It's a very particular kind of relationship, and it doesn't exclusively exist in bdsm. But I do think it requires a certain type of female personality to want that. If you've ever heard a female partner say, I want you to do whatever you want to me. Just do anything. Just go. Or she's, like, pulling you into her over and over again, or she's kind of getting lost in a moment or there's a huge buildup. All of those things kind of lend themselves to that kind of energy where she wants to be taken. I think, by far, anytime a partner feels so comfortable with the other person that they have no problem with you doing anything you want to them, within reason. Obviously, that's a very exciting and I would even say very healthy kind of relationship, because I would like to assume that that means the partner has their best interest in mind. 6:44To put it in context, a man doing whatever he wants to a woman, I mean, that could go sour really fast. That can become very aggressive. That can become assault. That could become pain and hurt. And again, I know there are layers of that, and some women do like that sort of thing. But I think for most married couples, I think for most people in relationship, getting your female partner to allow you and give you permission to do whatever you want to her presupposes that you have her best interest in mind. 7:14So while you might be getting lost in the moment or super focused on what you're looking at below, or super into her body and feeling passionate about it, which, by the way, is also very flattering to a woman. You know, this is what I love about the way all this stuff links up. It's like when you put attention on a woman, she loves attention. When you are flattering her and showing her your lust and showing her how much you want her and desire her, that's exciting as well. And I know some of you in married relationships don't have that dynamic, so I'm not speaking to all of you, but the possibility of it is there. Her being ravished means that she's in full submission and allowing the man to ravage her. I mean, that's a very powerful word as well. She's feeling ravished. He's devouring her. There's that passion, that excitement, that energy that comes from his lust, his strong sexual masculine desire, and her submissiveness and her yielding so that she can receive. In order to receive, you have to yield. You can't get a great b*****b by not yielding. You can't have great sex by pushing your partner away. There has to be a yielding and allowing. Now, men often get confused and hear, oh, I gotta be dominant, I gotta be assertive, I gotta be aggressive. And it's very sometimes disrespectful. That's not the ideal way to go about it. But when it's done correctly, it's pretty messy, magical. But there
