Dr Lola Gershfeld is the founder of EmC Leaders, a training and consulting company focused on working with managers to master the art of relationships. She's also the author of The Emotional Connection, The EmC Strategy, as well as The Connected Culture, How the Art of Relationships Leads to Positive Results. Check out Dr. Lola's Youtube, Blog as well as Podcast for additional info -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lola: I started in the business world very young. My husband and I built three electronic manufacturing companies and so I always took the role of a leader. I served as an HR manager, and a CFO, and then, because I was building teams and I was, really feeling confident about myself. Then I was asked to serve on this private company board, and, I couldn't believe what I was actually experiencing. And, I remember, I think the moment for me was like sitting and watching these board members attacking each other. And, you know, the CEO was sitting next to me and I turned to him and I said, why do they do this at every board meeting? And, he said, quietly, I think it's because they care about each other. And, and I thought to myself, what? That, that doesn't make sense. That's so silly to express care about each other like that. But, what I really found is that they got really stuck in this pattern, the dance that they would do every board meeting. And it was really awful because, one person would shut down, the other person would attack, and then we would just go circles and circles. We would have eight-hour board meetings with no progress and imagine how exhausting that is. The funny thing is all of these people who were on the board were very smart and very intelligent and had scientific degrees and they could solve technical problems. And that was really fascinating for me how is it possible they could solve such difficult problems, but they could not talk to each other. So, as you can imagine, I started to really look for a solution because I didn't enjoy this experience. And, I went to the bookstore, I got these books, you know, Good to Great, Primal Leadership, Speed of Trust, all of these books were on my desk. I was diving into them and studying them, trying to figure it out. And every time I would come to the board meeting, I would teach maybe communication skills or set some rules or boundaries, but nothing actually worked. And so I decided to go back to school and find the answer because it was really fascinating to me. And I not only saw these disruptions in the boardroom, but I saw it as an HR manager, you know, people would come to me and sit in the office and I would empathize and I would try to understand them. And guess what? A few weeks later, the same pattern comes back again. So I really wanted to understand what was happening and how is it possible. So I went back to school. I got my master's, my doctorate, but the aha moment came when my husband invited me to this workshop, couple's workshop called Hold Me Tight. It was created by Dr. Sue Johnson, and she's the developer of the emotionally focused therapy. Okay. I'm, I'm sitting there in this couple's workshop and I'm watching this instructor talk about attachment signs and about patterns, how these couples get into and get lost in this pattern and takes over their relationship and they just become stuck in this conflict over and over again. And I'm thinking to myself, wait a second, we have exactly the same pattern in the boardroom. Workplace conflicts are all about attachment. Workplace relationships are all about emotional disconnection. And I cannot tell you, Katty, I, I was on fire at that time. I flew to New York. I took, you know, the externship with Susan Johnson. And from then on, I was just immersing myself in all of the science, all of the knowledge about attachment. And I was actually bringing it to the boardroom to work with boards and teams. And miraculously, things started to change. The transformation was happening right in front of my eyes. And so I decided to create tools because as I was doing the techniques, people didn't even have the language, didn't know how to express themselves. So I created tools, I created the training and then I created the certification program, which I taught at Chapman and I taught at Pepperdine University. I see that every time people use the EMC process, which is emotional connection, stands for emotional connection, I see people are happy at work, they have the tools, how to get back to connection. They're a lot more engaged and I feel like there's hope. I want people to know there's hope because I felt very helpless and hopeless in those moments. So I want people to know that there is a roadmap. There's a way to get out of conflict and you don't have to be stuck. Katty: It's amazing because you could have easily walked away from that board. And not just made it easy on yourself, but then instead you actually leaned into that and decided, okay, there's a solution here. I don't know what it is, but I'm going to find it. And not only did you find it, but you built it from there. So pretty amazing because workplace conflict, it is such an opportunity for everyone to be able to find the tools and the language to be able to work through that, you know. We work with creatives all the time and sometimes just the disagreement on what the font should be or what the color should be. Because we're each bringing our own idea of art, of creativity to the table, just that simple thing, can blow teams apart. To be able to have that opportunity to turn away from it and not personalize it so much is so, so important. You talked about emotional connection. Let's talk about that because, on your board, you had people who are very high on the IQ side of it, but maybe it's not so much on the EQ side of it from what you said. So what does emotional connection mean? How can we create that at work in our business? Lola: Well, I think the first thing is obviously to recognize that when we work together, we impact each other. I mean, you just mentioned, “ it would be nice when people don't take it personally”. It cannot be! People do take it personally because relationships are personal. And especially when we depend on each other and my survival depends on you as a manager to continue to help me to grow and develop and, and be in this world as me. But if I don't have a connection with you, I am now a threat, right? My brain, my, my, my amygdala, the mammalian brain that we have is going to be constantly vigilant for threats because the connection, the emotional connection that I have with you is part of my survival code. It is wired in survival. So when I don't feel connected, that's, that's so incredibly important for people to get that when we work together, all of our senses become very, very attuned to each other, to the facial expression, to the words we say, to the tone of voice. Everything is so magnified. When I have a secure connection with people, with my manager, my colleagues, and my coworkers, I feel safe. I feel safe to express my ideas. I can go out in the world and take risks. I can be open to share my mistakes. That security of our relationship gives me that safety that you're not going to abandon me. You're not going to reject me if I screw up and make a mistake. I won't be alone in that experience. You know, one of the biggest fears we have is isolation, is being alone. So our emotional brain is very attuned to that cue, to that emotional signal that we send to each other. And when we don't have an opportunity to clarify that message, that's when we get stuck. For example, you might be coming to work and stressed from something that happened at home. And then, you might be walking to your desk without saying hello to everybody, or to your coworker. And then they interpret that, “Oh my gosh, Katty is upset at me. Something is wrong with me or something is wrong. She's mad. Maybe it's the thing I sent her yesterday”. Right? So the emotional music of fear .... I see Katty is upset and that starts to perpetuate that negative thought, which starts to perpetuate the protection, which starts “When I come to the meeting, I'm going to be on guard”. And then you are gonna say why are you not engaged? Why are you not saying anything? Well, oh my gosh, because we don't know how to talk about these conversations. When we do have, that's why I think the process is so effective because it gives you a structure. It gives you a process. It gives you a language where you can say, Hey, Katty, I got scared. You know, I'm not attacking you, but I can, I just want to clarify because I got scared. You didn't say hello, and I was wondering, you know, is everything okay now? You don't say, Oh, you know, why are you making such a big deal? You don't respond that way. You know, they're saying, Oh, thank you for sharing that. That must be difficult for you. Of course. No, I appreciate you sharing your, your experience is valid, right? So. The first thing is when we understand how we impact each other and that it's okay for us to share that vulnerability from the impact point of view. And we know how to respond to that in emotional connection, creating safety. When we are continually creating a bond, we are creating that safe space. Saying like, “I'm still here for you. You are important to me. I care about you”. That continuous feedback loop gives me the confidence to come back to you again and gives me the safety next time Katty may come in and not into herself. I'm already going to have that experience saying, no, no, it's okay. Katty is just maybe having a bad day. It's not because I did something. That is how people become more secure in their relationships. So the emotional connection process is really based on that attachment theory of John Bowlby, Carl Rogers, Sal
