Love Shack Live: Helping Couples Rescue Their Relationships

Staci Bartley, Relationship Expert
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Relationships are complex. They are filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. And sometimes, it can feel like you're struggling just to keep your head above water. If you're feeling like this, then it's important to reach out for help. That's where Tom and Staci Bartley come in. As relationship experts, they have helped countless couples overcome the challenges that they're facing. And now, they're here to help you. The Love Shack Live Show is filled with advice and tips that will help you get your relationship back on track. So if you're struggling in your relationship, make sure to tune in, it could be the best decision you ever make.

  1. 3d ago

    #282: Six Steps to an Apology Your Partner Can Actually Hear

    Ask Us A Question You already said you were sorry. You meant every word of it. And they're still sitting there closed up like you never opened your mouth. I get this question constantly. I've made a mess, it's my fault, and I can't get my person to turn around and hear me. So today I'm not answering how to apologize, or even how to apologize better. You already know how to say I'm sorry. What I want to answer is why it doesn't land, and the reason is specific. Most of us apologize for the wrong thing entirely. Not the wrong words. The wrong thing. I'll walk you through the six steps I take my private clients through, the same ones Tom and I use on each other. I snapped at him in the car over nothing and we had it cleaned up in about 20 seconds. In my previous marriage that same moment would have cost us the whole weekend. Tom tells on himself in here too, about a dinner he said he'd come to and didn't. Two things to listen for. There's one sentence that opens the door before you apologize at all, and it ends with a one-word question that decides whether they can even hear the rest. And there's a last step almost everybody skips, the one that takes an apology from finished to actually over. If you've heard this episode before, that's the part to stay for. Press play before the next round of that same fight. A Quick Note We're a few weeks into bringing back the episodes you've downloaded the most while we're in Tuscany, Italy, leading our very first international relationship retreat. Brand-new episodes are back mid-September. Resources & Links Better Love Quiz: 22 questions, about 5 minutes, free and completely private. Find out which skill is missing. https://betterlovequiz.com Private session with Staci: real help cleaning up a mess that's bigger than a car ride. https://stacibartley.com/private-sessions Clarity call: not sure where to start? The average couple waits six years to get help. Don't do that. https://stacibartley.com/apply Enjoying Love Shack Live? Please leave a review and share this episode with someone you care about. Love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today.

  2. Aug 22

    #281: How Defensiveness Breaks a Relationship Down, Piece by Piece

    Ask Us A Question Your partner finally tells you that something you do hurts them. And before they even finish, you're already explaining. "That's not what happened." "That's not what I meant." "I never meant it that way." "Well, you do it too." That's defensiveness. But, it never feels like defensiveness from the inside. It feels like telling the truth, which is why it can chew through a relationship for years before anyone catches it. And nobody gets a hall pass here. Staci does it. Tom does it. Brooke does it. You do too, probably in a way you'd never think to call defensive. So here's what we're after today: if defensiveness is supposed to protect us from getting hurt, how come everybody who leans on it ends up hurting more? We get into how fast this stuff moves. Staci says the emotional safety in your relationship doesn't wear down over years, it's gone in a nanosecond, and there's a balloon analogy in here you won't be able to unsee. Also why "that was never my intent" might be the most defensive thing you can say, even when it's true. And the part we'd stay for: there's one sentence that gets you out. Three words. It works mid-argument, it works when you're wrong, and it works when you're dead certain you're not. Not spoiling it here. Brooke tells the story of what her partner said to her about six years ago, the thing that rattled her more than anything else in their relationship. Including the part where she still couldn't admit he was right for months after. She's not the hero of that one and she tells it anyway. Fair warning: you might get a little defensive listening to a whole episode about defensiveness. Happens all the time. That's usually the good part. Press play before the next round of that same fight. A Quick Note: For the next several weeks we're bringing back the episodes you've asked for and downloaded the most. Our family is heads down on two things we can't wait to share with you: two brand-new resources we're putting the finishing touches on, and our very first international retreat in Tuscany, Italy. Brand-new episodes are back mid-September. Take the Better Love Quiz: If you can feel that something is off and you can't tell how serious it is, this is where to start. 22 questions, about five minutes, and you get an honest answer to the question you've been carrying around at 2:00 in the morning. You also get your skill score, so you know where to begin instead of guessing. Completely private. Only you see the results, and your partner is never contacted. betterlovequiz.com Work With Staci: If you know you need more support than a quiz right now, book a private session. This is exactly what we do with couples: helping them get better at emotional weightlifting so the same fight stops running the relationship. stacibartley.com/private-sessions

  3. Aug 14

    #280: What to Do When Your Partner Says They Need Space

    Ask Us A Question Met the right person, check. Got married, check. Bought the house, check. Had the kid, got the dog, put up the picket fence out front. Check, check, check. And then years in, somebody says, "I need some space. I can't do this anymore." And the other one is standing there going, what the hell? This wasn't the deal. I thought we were doing great. I thought we were knocking it out of the park. If you're the one who just got hit with those words, hold onto this number before your mind writes the ending for you. Only 5% of divorced people said nothing could have saved their marriage. The other 95% said skills and support could have changed everything. Your panic is quoting you the wrong number. This week we're replaying the most downloaded episode we've ever made. Our family is heads down finishing two new resources and getting ready for our first international retreat in Tuscany, and new episodes return mid-September. What we get into: What your partner is actually asking for when they say they need space. It's almost never the thing you're afraid it is, and once you hear it, the last several months rearrange themselves in your head.Why it didn't come out of left field, even though it hit you like it did. I tell on myself here. I was a master at making the relationship work for the other person. Never made a fuss, never said what wasn't working for me, and the whole time I thought I was doing the kindest thing I could do. I'll tell you what it cost me, and I'll tell you honestly that I've broken hearts over it.The thing I call the cruelest thing we can do to our lovers. It isn't cheating and it isn't lying. Most people are doing it right now believing it's the generous choice.What Brooke used to do the second a partner told them they weren't happy. She says it out loud, unedited, and then explains why it made everything worse. If you're the anxious one, this part is for you.The separation rules everybody is about to hand you. Move to the other bedroom, cut them off, no sex, no talking. I have some very direct words about that advice, and I'll give you the one thing that separates giving space from being abandoned.Why the more space you give, the more conversation you get back. It feels as backwards as turning into a skid, and Tom explains why every instinct you have will fight you on it.The six places to put your energy while you wait. I call what they build love insurance, and they happen to be the same things that put you back in the 95%.Whatever you were about to do tonight, listen first. Resources from this episode: Take the free Better Love Quiz (about 5 minutes, results instantly): https://betterlovequiz.comBook a private session with Staci: https://stacibartley.com/private-sessionsSchedule a clarity call with Tom: https://stacibartley.com/applyWe're live every Monday at 1:00 PM PST / 4:00 PM EST on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. Come hang out and bring your questions. Remember: love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today. Timestamps: 02:54 Why Space Happens 04:04 The Blindside Dynamic 08:17 Losing Yourself Over Time 11:42 What Space Really Means 13:10 External Pressures Pile On 16:28 95 Percent Can Recover 18:30 Anxious Reactions to Avoid 22:28 Give Space to Get Closer 25:06 Handling Panic and Reassurance 27:25 Your Turn for Self Work 28:30 Reset the Dynamic 29:13 Self Soothe Anxiety 31:24 Emotional Gas Tank 32:55 Six Support Pillars 36:40 Space Dos and Donts 39:12 No Punishment Rules 42:07 Boundaries and Support 46:29 Avoid Dating During Space 47:00 Get Help and Resources

  4. Aug 8

    #279: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Navigating the Land of Maybe

    Ask Us A Question There's a question almost nobody says out loud. Not to their best friend, not to their sister, sometimes not even to themselves in the mirror: "I don't know if I still want to be married." We call the place where that question lives the Land of Maybe. Some days it's yes, some days it's no, and most days it's maybe. Staci calls it hell on earth, and she's not exaggerating for effect. She spent 13 years there in her second marriage. Tom lived there too, in his first, carrying it so quietly that even his brothers never knew. This is the place where you cling to the little bits of joy, the one good evening a month, while feeling like you're dying on the inside the rest of the time. This week we're replaying the episode our listeners come back to more than any other, because the Land of Maybe is not a place to live. It runs on something we call emotional gas, and when a person runs out, the relationship doesn't end with a bang. It ends with one quiet sentence: "I just can't do this anymore." We walk through how to know if you're actually in the Land of Maybe (it's not just fighting; the quiet couples are often in more danger than the loud ones), why blaming your partner or yourself feels productive and gets you nowhere, and the three moves that lead out: slow down, search, and switch it up. Staci also gives you the exact script for inviting a resistant partner to work on the relationship, and explains why the guilt-and-pressure approach you've probably already tried has never once worked on any human being. And then there's Janet and Rich. A counselor told Janet her husband was a narcissist, that there was no hope, and that she was the dysfunctional one for staying. She filed for divorce. Then she found one thing she couldn't let go of. Today those papers are torn up and they're still together. What was actually going on with Rich is the part of this episode people talk about most. If you've heard this one before, listen again. You're not the same person who heard it the first time, and you'll catch what you weren't ready to catch before. Resources from this episode: Take the rebuilt Better Love Quiz (5 minutes, free): https://betterlovequiz.comBook a private session with Staci: https://stacibartley.com/private-sessionsTuscany Retreat, September 1 through 6, 2026 (exactly one room left): https://stacibartley.com/co-mingle-retreatQuestions about the retreat? Email us: love@stacibartley.comWe're live every Monday at 1:00 PM PST / 4:00 PM EST on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. Come hang out and bring your questions. Remember: love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today. Timestamps: 03:40 Defining Maybe 06:05 Emotional Gas Warning 08:11 Janet And Rich 13:53 Co Creation Not Blame 22:04 Signs Youre There 26:35 Get Help And Practice 30:00 Resistant Partner Trap 30:40 Stop the Guilt Trip 32:49 Lead With Vulnerability 33:34 A Real Marriage Example 35:00 Words That Invite Change 37:38 Slow Down the Panic 39:30 Search and Switch It Up 41:24 When One Partner Starts 44:23 Breakdown vs Breakthrough 46:40 Follow the Fun Laughter 51:23 Song and Final Resources

  5. Aug 1

    #278: How to Stop a Fight Before It Escalates: The First 60 Seconds

    Ask Us A Question You'd think the loudest person in the room decides where a fight goes. It's actually the calmest. Hang with us, because that one takes some explaining. This week we're answering the question that flooded in after our last episode: "Okay, but what do I do when a fight is actually starting?" Because a fight is a lot like a lit firecracker. Once the fuse burns down, you don't have choices anymore. You've got about 2.2 seconds where you do, and nobody ever taught us what to do with them. So we break down what's really happening inside you when a fight ignites. Why emotion, not logic, is running the show. Why matching their escalation feels fair and de-escalating feels like losing, and the middle ground between punishing them and giving them a pass that most of us never see. Why your brain can go so far offline mid-fight that you honestly don't remember what you said.  Staci also names the two places nearly all of us go when emotion takes over. One of you probably spins up. One of you probably shuts down. There's a reason you found each other, and there's a third option neither of you has tried. And then, the skill. The brake pedal. The pause with a promise attached. Staci walks you through the sentence to have ready before you ever need it, and describes the moment that happens when a couple uses it for the first time and both people actually come back to the table. She's watched years of resentment fall away in that moment. It's the whole reason we do this work. If this episode felt a little too familiar, start with the free Better Love Quiz at betterlovequiz.com, or book a private session with Staci at stacibartley.com/private-sessions. Staci works with couples and individuals all over the world via Zoom, and one person can change the trajectory of a relationship. We're live every Monday at 1:00 PM PST / 4:00 PM EST on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. Come hang out and bring your questions. Remember: love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today. Timestamps: 02:35 Firecracker Fuse Window 05:33 Emotion Drives Behavior 07:29 Backlog and Body Signals 10:15 Two Extremes Spin Up or Shut Down 12:15 I Don't Do Emotion Myth 17:32 Matching Energy or Bailing 20:41 Deescalate Without Giving In 21:32 Who You Become in Payback Mode 28:58 Your Real Win in a Fight 30:10 Chaos When Nobody Listens 32:19 Emotion Hijacks Logic 33:21 Rollercoaster Brain Blackouts 34:08 Altered State After Fights 37:00 Different Emotional Expressions 38:40 Control Versus Collapse 42:22 The Fight Cycle Loop 44:57 The Third Option Neutral 49:45 Brake Pedal Power Pause 52:23 Coming Back Builds Trust 59:00 Create Your Pause Script

  6. Jul 25

    #277: Is This Just a Rough Patch, or Is Our Relationship Dying?

    Ask Us A Question Somewhere tonight, there's a couple lying in bed back to back, both wide awake, and neither one is saying anything. They're both asking the same silent question: is this just a rough patch, or is our relationship dying? Maybe you know that question. Maybe you're the one walking on eggshells, always the one trying to start the conversation while your partner shuts down, walks away, or doesn't respond. Maybe you're exhausted and honestly don't know what else to try, or how much more you can take. Or maybe you've stopped telling yourself anything at all, because the silence in your house has started to feel less like peace and more like a canyon of distance. In this episode, we give you the six signs they probably should have given you a long time ago: three that say rough patch, and three that say this is something more. Because after almost two decades of sitting with couples in crisis, Staci has watched the same two mistakes cost couples everything. Some waited out something that was never going to pass on its own. Others nearly walked away from a relationship that was simply having a hard season. You can't pick the right remedy until you know what problem you're solving. You'll hear two client stories, one from each side of that line, including a husband who decided to end his marriage for a reason that will stop you in your tracks. And whichever side you're on, Staci hands you one litmus test question to sit down and ask your partner this week. How that question lands will tell you more about where you are than months of guessing ever could. We won't tell you whether to stay or go. We never will. But by the end of this conversation, you'll finally know which problem you're actually living with, and the one thing you can do about it this week. Plus a Follow the Fun challenge called the pleasure pause (twenty minutes, zero productivity allowed) and our song of the week, "Bad Advice" by Cat Eaton. If one of these signs made your stomach drop, don't wait until the house is on fire. Book a private session with Staci at stacibartley.com/private-sessions. Your partner doesn't have to be ready for you to start. And if you're not sure where your relationship actually stands, take the free Better Love Quiz at betterlovequiz.com. Stop guessing what problem you're solving. And come hang out with us live! Starting Monday, July 27th, we're going live every Monday at 1:00 PM PST / 4:00 PM EST on Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook. Bring your questions. Remember: love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today. Timestamps: 02:44 Why We Misread the Signs 05:01 Hope and the Land of Maybe 07:27 Rough Patch Sign One Repair 09:11 Rough Patch Signs Two and Three 11:50 When Rough Patches Turn 18:15 Not a Rough Patch Contempt 21:13 Living Separate Lives Together 23:33 Avoidance Shrinks Your World 25:37 Running Out of Fuel 26:43 Contempt Signals Breakdown 26:48 Imagining Life Apart 29:04 Emotions Drive Behavior 32:53 Love But Not In Love 35:29 Silence Is Not Peace 36:16 Face Reality Seek Help 42:00 Client Story Rough Patch 45:10 Client Story Deep Crisis 48:29 One Question Litmus Test 51:20 Repair Skills And Quiz

  7. Jul 18

    #276: Your Trust Questions, Answered: Clean Slates, Disgust, and When Their Refusal Is the Answer

    Ask Us A Question They apologized. Maybe more than once. So why do you still go quiet when they walk in the room? After last week's episode on how trust actually gets rebuilt, your questions poured in. And you weren't asking us to re-explain anything. You were asking about the moments where it gets hard: the apology that never turned into repair. The conversation that somehow ended up being about your reaction instead of your hurt. The disgust you didn't expect to feel and can't seem to shake. And one from a listener who finally walked away and still wonders, what could I have done different? So this week, we picked three of your real questions and sat with them. Along the way, we get into why some people fight so hard for a clean slate, what defensiveness is actually protecting, the question that tells you whether risking again is even possible for you, and the one conversation worth having before you decide it's over. Brooke also shares a story from her own relationship about the moment she realized her defensiveness was about to cost her everything. We won't tell you whether to stay or go. That's a promise. But somewhere in these answers, you might hear your own situation more clearly than you have in months, and your next step might finally feel like your own. Plus, a Follow the Fun challenge that might change how you walk into every hard conversation this week: stop trying for the home run and ask one small question instead. And if you listened to this whole episode with one situation in mind, pay attention to that. That's your answer trying to get through. You don't have to know whether you're staying or going to book a private session with Staci, and your partner doesn't have to be ready. One person can change the trajectory of a relationship, and it can start with you at stacibartley.com/private-sessions. Not ready to talk to someone yet? Take the Better Love Quiz at betterlovequiz.com and find out what's actually missing. Spoiler: it's probably not love. Remember: love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today. Timestamps:  01:58 Trust And Accountability Recap 03:14 Four Steps To Rebuild 04:32 No Stay Or Go Answers 05:16 Question One Clean Slate Trap 11:00 Defensiveness And Impact 16:33 Why We Avoid Repair 20:06 Question Two When Disgust Hits 23:09 Can Couples Recover From Disgust 25:27 When Disgust Hits 26:37 Rehumanize Without Excusing 27:56 When Repair Gets Refused 29:48 Actions Are The Answer 31:34 One Last Clear Ask 33:42 Rebuilding Self Trust 36:24 Don’t Wait To Get Help 39:15 Make It 10 Percent Safer 42:33 Tiny Wins Build Trust

  8. Jul 5

    #275: How to Trust Again After Betrayal (Without Waiting for a Guarantee)

    Ask Us A Question You're watching everything they say and do. Reading into every word, every tone. They're showing up, taking accountability, doing the things you asked for, and somehow you feel more panicked, not less. Underneath it all is one quiet question: is this real, or am I about to get hurt all over again? This episode comes from a listener question on one of our trust videos: "When someone has genuinely changed and is taking responsibility now, how do you let them back in enough to even see it? And how do you know when it's actually safe to risk trusting them again?" One promise up front: we're not going to answer "should you trust them." We're going to look at how trust actually works so you can find your own next steps. We open with Esther Perel's line that cultivating trust requires "millions of micro risks," then unpacks why most of us have trust completely backwards. It's not something your partner earns by behaving. It's not something they can give you, no matter how consistently they show up. "I can't trust you anymore" really means "I don't feel safe risking with you anymore," and that changes everything about what to do next. In this episode: Why the more they do the right things, the more panicked you can feel, and what that's actually telling youThe driving metaphor that explains why your partner's mistakes feel malicious but yours feel forgivableHow waiting for them to "pay enough penance" quietly turns into a power and control dynamic that breaks trust furtherBrooke's question about "once a cheater, always a cheater," and what that advice costs you when everyone around you is saying itWhy the real question isn't "can I trust them" but "do I trust myself to see clearly and speak up"What's happening to your relationship while you wait for perfect conditions (hint: it's not staying neutral)Next week we're answering your questions about trust. Send them to us on social media or email love@stacibartley.com. Ready to stop spinning in your head at 2am? The Trust Sprint starts July 27: two weeks of live coaching, guided practice, and real conversations to help you rebuild trust one small risk at a time. Secure your spot here: https://stacibartley.mysamcart.com/rebuild-trust Timestamps:  03:01 Listener Question Setup 03:57 What Trust Really Is 05:07 Plumbing Metaphor Detour 07:13 Disappointment And Double Standards 10:55 Trust Is Something You Give 12:29 Acknowledgement Before Rebuilding 13:52 Penance And Power Struggles 17:43 Both Partners Must Risk 20:51 Self Trust Vs Outside Noise 23:43 Once A Cheater Always A Cheater 26:13 Outsourcing Agency And AI 27:24 People Can Change For Real 28:42 Change Needs Safety 29:22 Trauma Is Not Destiny 30:39 Everyone Has A Rap Sheet 31:07 Rebuild Trust With Micro Risks 33:24 Stop Punishment And Rumination 36:17 Self Trust Is The Guarantee 41:28 Co Create By Starting Small 43:50 Begin Anywhere Together 45:58 Trust Sprint Invitation

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Relationships are complex. They are filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. And sometimes, it can feel like you're struggling just to keep your head above water. If you're feeling like this, then it's important to reach out for help. That's where Tom and Staci Bartley come in. As relationship experts, they have helped countless couples overcome the challenges that they're facing. And now, they're here to help you. The Love Shack Live Show is filled with advice and tips that will help you get your relationship back on track. So if you're struggling in your relationship, make sure to tune in, it could be the best decision you ever make.

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