Love Shack Live: Helping Couples Rescue Their Relationships

Staci Bartley, Relationship Expert
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Relationships are complex. They are filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. And sometimes, it can feel like you're struggling just to keep your head above water. If you're feeling like this, then it's important to reach out for help. That's where Tom and Staci Bartley come in. As relationship experts, they have helped countless couples overcome the challenges that they're facing. And now, they're here to help you. The Love Shack Live Show is filled with advice and tips that will help you get your relationship back on track. So if you're struggling in your relationship, make sure to tune in, it could be the best decision you ever make.

  1. Oct 16

    #289: Why Pushing Harder Makes Them Pull Away

    Ask Us A Question You have a really good weekend. You talk, you laugh, and it feels like the old days. Then Monday comes, they go quiet again, and you’re right back where you started. You can’t tell anymore if this is just a hard stretch or if it’s really over. I hear some version of this every single week: How long am I supposed to wait? And right behind it is the harder question. Is this just a rough patch, or is my relationship actually ending? We call it the land of maybe. You’re not in, you’re not out, and it’s wearing you down. In this episode, I share something I’ve barely talked about on the podcast: my second marriage. When I was scared of losing it, I pushed. I pushed hard. Years later, when Tom told me he needed some space, I caught myself about to do the very same thing. Here’s what I learned the hard way. If someone stays because you pushed them, guilted them or made them feel like they owed you, you don’t really get them back. You get someone who’s just going through the motions. I lived that, and I saw it over and over in my years as a divorce mediator. We also talk about three things almost all of us do while we wait: sending the long text at nightputting our whole life on holdsearching for answers everywhere (ChatGPT, every relationship podcast, even checking their location)It all feels like fighting for the relationship. We talk about why it so often pushes them further away. Brooke also brings up something a lot of us skip over when our partner’s mistakes were bigger than ours. Just so we’re clear: I’m not saying you’re the problem, and I’m not saying you should be the only one trying. Next week, I’ll share what I did instead when Tom needed space. You own your part. You don’t own theirs. Resources Better Love Quiz: Not sure if it’s a rough patch or something more? It’s 22 questions, takes about 5 minutes, and it’s free and private. → https://www.betterlovequiz.com/ Episode 155: More on the pattern where one person chases and the other pulls away. → https://stacibartley.com/space-or-chase-mastering-relationship-dynamics-when-love-needs-breathing-room/ Episode 91: The story of my first marriage. → https://stacibartley.com/pregnant-mormon-at-17-in-salt-lake-city-my-journey-to-true-love-relationships/ Love isn’t enough, but skills are. Timestamps: 02:54 Land Of Maybe 05:38 Second Marriage Pressure 09:34 Bleeding Out Back 13:52 What Was Mine 15:14 Separation And Growth 18:56 Tom Needs Space 21:55 Pause And Choose 25:25 Reclaiming Lost Parts 25:39 Owning Your Role After Betrayal 28:46 Lessons From Divorce Mediation 31:06 Reverse Engineering Relationship Skills 32:08 Building Love Without Marriage 33:05 Obligation Versus Permission 37:25 Three Relationship Saving Traps 38:02 Pressure Play Runner Chaser 39:37 Frozen Wait Putting Life On Hold 41:46 Search Spiral And Certainty Seeking 43:47 Own Your Part Not Theirs 45:24 How To Relax In The Spiral Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  2. Oct 10

    #288: Why "I'm Sorry" Isn't Enough

    Ask Us A Question They say “I’m sorry,” and something in you immediately goes, sorry for what? You’d never say it out loud. But there it is. And on the other side of that exact same moment, they’re thinking, I apologized. I meant it. What else do they want from me? A few months ago, we posted a video about trust that sparked hundreds of conversations. And two very different experiences kept showing up. They said they were sorry, so why can’t I move on? And… I’ve said sorry a hundred times. What more do they want from me? Both people are stuck waiting for an apology to do something it was never designed to do. In this episode of Love Shack Live, we’re talking about what happens AFTER “I’m sorry,” and why so many couples keep trying to move forward when the thing that hurt them hasn’t actually been repaired. One of the biggest pieces involves something most of us overlook. When you’re the person who made the mess, you know what was happening inside you. You know what you meant, what you were thinking, and why you made the choices you did. Your partner doesn’t have that information. They only know what happened and how it affected them. And that difference can leave one person feeling like the conversation is finished while the other feels like it hasn’t even begun. We also get into the things we commonly mistake for repair. The apology with a “but” attached. The enormous promise you have no idea how you’re going to keep. And being extra nice, which Brooke has some pretty strong feelings about when it shows up instead of the accountability you’ve been asking for. Then I walk you through the six steps of emotional repair I’ve spent nearly two decades teaching couples. From everyday disappointments to the experiences that seriously damage trust, we’ll talk about what it actually takes to clean up the emotional mess and begin creating something different. And if you’ve been trying to rebuild trust but can’t seem to make yourself feel safe enough to try again, there’s a reason that might have nothing to do with your willingness to forgive. You may be trying to rebuild something before the damage underneath it has been addressed. Brooke also shares why even the FIRST step can be surprisingly difficult, including what can happen internally when admitting you’ve hurt someone feels like surrendering. And there’s one important thing I want you to remember before listening: These six steps aren’t a secret checklist your partner is supposed to magically know how to complete. If you’ve never been taught what repair looks like, there’s a good chance they haven’t either. Because getting over something isn’t a decision you make. It’s what becomes possible when something actually changes. Resources & Links The Better Love Quiz: Trying to figure out whether what you're in can be repaired? Start here. 22 questions, about five minutes, free and completely private. → https://www.betterlovequiz.com/ Is My Marriage Dead? + The Crisis Communication Scripts: For when you know something needs to change, and for when you know what you want to say and it keeps coming out wrong. → https://stacibartley.com/book Timestamps:  03:16 The Messes We Make 05:37 Sweeping It Into the Corner 07:31 Fake Repair Patterns 11:12 Hostage Gifts and Being Nice 14:26 Waiting for Time to Heal 16:46 Two Different Experiences 21:55 What Sorry Needs to Include 26:23 Six Steps to Real Repair 26:42 Step One Name the Mess 31:16 Don’t Deflect to Old Messes 31:53 Step Two Understand Impact 31:58 Intent Versus Impact 33:04 Own Impact Without Defense 35:01 Real Responsibility Language 37:37 Assess Emotional Damage 39:15 New Agreements And Boundaries 41:37 Time And Consistency 44:00 Why Trust Feels Impossible 46:34 No Silent Tests Talk It Out 48:50 Celebrate Small Progress 51:36 Renegotiate Before Breaking 53:27 Building Skills Early 56:10 Six Step Summary Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  3. Oct 3

    #287: Why You Both Think the Other Person Is the Problem in Your Relationship

    Ask Us A Question Have you ever looked at your partner and thought, If they would just stop doing THAT, we would be so good? You can explain exactly why you react the way you do. There’s history behind it. There are things that have happened over and over again. You have evidence. The frustrating part? So does your partner. And eventually you can end up in a relationship where two people are absolutely convinced they’re responding reasonably to the other person’s behavior… while both becoming increasingly frustrated, defensive, and disconnected. So how do you figure out what’s actually happening? In this episode of Love Shack Live, we’re getting into one of the more challenging conversations we’ve had about relationship conflict. We’re looking at the subtle behavioral patterns that are incredibly easy to recognize in your partner and surprisingly difficult to recognize in yourself. We’ll explore what happens when you’re both waiting for the other person to change first, why hearing your partner’s side can feel so threatening when you’re already hurt, and how two people can experience the exact same relationship VERY differently without either experience automatically canceling out the other. We’re also sharing a few stories from our own relationship that made us realize just how difficult this is to see when you’re the one living inside of it. Including the return of the infamous alarm clock fight. 😂 And ultimately, we’re going to help you begin separating three things that may have become completely tangled: What’s mine? What’s theirs? And what are we creating together? This one may make you squirm a little. It certainly did for us. But if you keep having some version of the same fight and can’t figure out why neither of you seems to be getting through to the other, this conversation may help you see something you haven’t been able to see before. Take the Free Better Love Quiz If you genuinely can’t tell what’s yours, what’s theirs, and what keeps happening between you anymore, the free Better Love Quiz is a good place to start. It looks at four relationship skill areas and gives you a personalized Better Love Blueprint to help you get clearer about where things are getting difficult and where you may want to begin. ⁠Take the free Better Love Quiz at BetterLoveQuiz.com Resources Mentioned in This Episode The Behavioral Nuance Carousel: Brooke mentions a visual in this episode that shows just how much information we have about our own behavior compared with what we can see when we’re looking at our partner’s. ⁠See the Nuance carousel on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/Dd9MBf6Ea-Q/?img_index=1 More on Defensiveness: We’ve talked about defensiveness quite a bit on Love Shack Live. If this episode makes you realize how difficult it is to hear your partner’s experience without immediately explaining, correcting, or defending your own, these are good conversations to listen to next: #224: The Silent Wedge: How Defensiveness Destroys Emotional Safety #159: The Hidden Trap: Disarming Defensiveness in Relationships #138: Defensiveness: The Hidden Barrier to Relationship Growth #118: 10 Tips to Overcome Defensiveness in Your Relationship (Part Two) #117: 10 Tips to Overcome Defensiveness in Your Relationship (Part One) #116: Communication Makeover: The Damaging Effects of Defensiveness on Relationships Important Note The framework discussed in this episode is intended for relationship patterns in which both people can safely participate in reflection and repair. It is not a framework for abuse, coercive control, intimidation, threats, or ongoing harm. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233, or you can text BEGIN to 88788. Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  4. Sep 26

    #286: We’re Back… and Italy Changed How We Think About Connection

    Ask Us A Question We’re back. ❤️ After six weeks away from Love Shack Live and three weeks in Italy, we’re finally back behind the microphones. And we came home with a question we haven’t been able to stop thinking about… “We feel more like roommates than partners.” “I feel alone, even when they’re right there.” “We love each other. We’ve just lost the connection we used to have.” We hear versions of these sentences all the time from people taking the Better Love Quiz. And after spending three weeks in Italy, we came home wondering about something we hadn’t considered quite this way before: What if some of the connection we’re missing isn’t something we need to find again? What if our everyday lives simply aren’t giving us enough opportunities to create it? We expected to miss the castle, the wine, the food, and those ridiculous Tuscan sunsets. Instead, we missed the people. Walking into the kitchen and finding someone there. Sitting around the table long after dinner was over. Hearing laughter from another room. Wandering without a destination. Twelve people with nowhere more important to be. And then we came home. Everything was quiet. It made us realize how incredibly efficient we’ve become at not needing one another. Groceries arrive at the door. Entertainment streams into our homes. We work remotely, text instead of visit, eat while answering emails, and fill nearly every empty space in our day. It’s convenient. But there may be a relational price we’re paying for all that efficiency. In this episode, we’re talking about what Tuscany reminded us about how human connection actually grows, why familiarity can make us stop noticing the people we love, and how to bring some of that la dolce vita back into an ordinary Tuesday. We talk about why connection needs proximity and repetition, the Italian piazza and the disappearing “third places” in our own communities, why humans bond through participation rather than observation, and the surprisingly important art of lingering. And if you’re thinking, “That sounds lovely, but I don’t have time for any of this,” we talk about that too. Because rebuilding connection doesn’t have to mean a romantic vacation, a giant relationship conversation, or packing your bags and moving to Tuscany. Sometimes it starts with dinner lasting twenty minutes longer. In this episode: Why connection needs proximity and repetitionWhat Italian piazzas taught us about making room for the unplannedThe relational price we may be paying for convenienceWhy you can’t observe your way into connectionAperitivo, lingering, and il dolce far niente, the sweetness of doing nothingWhat happens when the person you love becomes so familiar that you stop really seeing themSimple rituals that create more opportunities for connection at homeWhy “I don’t have time for that” might be exactly where we need to startWhere to Start Not sure whether what you’re experiencing is a rough patch or something more? Take the free Better Love Quiz at BetterLoveQuiz.com. In about five minutes, you’ll get your personalized Better Love Blueprint and see which relationship skills could use some attention right now.Staci’s new digital book, Is My Marriage Dead?, is $9 and designed to help you get clearer about what’s actually happening in your relationship and what your next honest step might be.Want to join us in Tuscany next year? Email love@stacibartley.com and let us know. And stay tuned, because we’re also working on opportunities to gather a little closer to home.Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  5. Sep 19

    #285: How Do You Know If Your Relationship Is Worth Fighting For?

    Ask Us A Question One night, you’re absolutely done. You’ve had the entire conversation in your head. You know what you’re going to say in the morning. You may even feel strangely calm because, finally, you’ve made a decision. Then morning comes. They hand you your coffee without being asked. They do something small that reminds you of who they used to be. Maybe you laugh together for the first time in weeks. And suddenly… Maybe I’m overreacting.Maybe it’s not as bad as I think.Maybe we could actually fix this.Welcome to the Land of Maybe. It’s the place between staying and leaving where the evidence seems to change every day. One terrible night convinces you it’s over. One good morning makes you question everything. And people can live here for years. So how do you know when what you’re experiencing is something worth fighting through… and when you’re holding onto something that simply isn’t working anymore? That’s the conversation we’re having in this episode. We’re sharing stories from couples who came frighteningly close to ending their relationships, including one who had already filed for divorce, and what became visible once they stopped trying to answer the stay-or-go question first. We’re also talking about some of the things that make the Land of Maybe so difficult to escape. The fear that too much has happened. The things other people are telling you about your relationship. The question of whether you’ll ever be able to let go of what happened. And the resistance that can keep you stuck even when part of you desperately wants something to change. There’s also a very personal story from our own marriage that we haven’t talked much about, including a moment when Tom genuinely wasn’t sure whether we were going to make it. And before the episode ends, we boil this entire conversation down to three questions. They’re not “Do you still love each other?” And they’re not “Are you happy?” They’re the three questions we’ve learned to listen for when someone comes to us saying: “I don’t know if this relationship is worth fighting for anymore.” Your answers may tell you something very different than you expect. Resources & Links The Better Love Quiz: If you’re stuck wondering whether this is a rough patch or something more, start here. 22 questions, about five minutes, free and completely private. → https://www.betterlovequiz.com/ Is My Marriage Dead? + The Crisis Communication Scripts: Created for the place where you know something needs to change but you’re not yet sure what that means for your relationship. → https://stacibartley.mysamcart.com/is-your-marriage-dead A Quick Note This is the final episode we brought back while we were away, and I saved this one for last on purpose. We’re home from Tuscany now, which means brand-new Love Shack Live episodes begin next week. ❤️ Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  6. Sep 12

    #284: Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

    Ask Us A Question You know the words by now: anxious and avoidant. Maybe you’ve taken the quizzes, watched the videos, and gotten pretty good at spotting the pattern in your own relationship. And you’re still having the same fight. So what are you actually supposed to do with any of this? In this episode, we’re talking about how attachment styles can help us understand a relationship without turning into permanent labels for ourselves or our partners. We’ll look at why anxious and avoidant people are often drawn to each other in the first place, what actually happens when one person starts reaching and the other starts pulling away, and why knowing your “style” is only the beginning. Tom and I are also sharing a story about a season in our own marriage when he pulled away, I chased, and space became a very real conversation between us. We’re answering your questions about breadcrumbing, meeting an avoidant partner in the middle, and why it can feel like all the responsibility gets handed to the anxious person. And near the end, I’ll give you four sentences you can use when someone you love has gone quiet on you. The words are simple. What you do after you say them is the harder part. A Quick Note We’re almost at the end of this run of your most-requested and most-downloaded episodes, brought back with new opens and closes. Brand-new Love Shack Live episodes are right around the corner. Resources & Links Attachment Style Questionnaire (ECR-R): The original attachment questionnaire we reference in this episode. → https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/ECR.php Is My Marriage Dead? + The Crisis Communication Scripts: Two new resources to help you get clearer on what’s happening in your relationship and have the conversations that feel hardest. → https://stacibartley.mysamcart.com/is-your-marriage-dead/ The Better Love Quiz: 22 questions, about five minutes, free and completely private. Get clearer on whether you’re experiencing a rough patch or real trouble. → https://www.betterlovequiz.com/ Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  7. Sep 10

    #283: Why We Wait Too Long to Get Help With Our Marriage

    Ask Us A Question There's a conversation you and your partner need to have, and it's been sitting under the grocery list and the kids' appointments for a few years now. Not because it doesn't matter. Because you figure they'll be there no matter what, and everything else has a deadline. So here's what we're after today. How come our marriage is the one thing we're ashamed to get help for? You'd hire somebody for the business. You'd find a specialist for your knee. You'd tell your friends about both over dinner. There's a phrase in here I want you listening for. Emotional gas. It explains almost everything about why you can't get traction right now no matter how hard you're trying, and it explains what somebody is actually telling you when they say "I just can't do this anymore." It isn't what you think. Brooke asks the question I get more than any other, what to do when you know you need help and your partner is dead set against it, and she gives you the words. Two sentences. Then she tells the story of her and Jack, which she's never told on this show. She was 18. What she found out at 30 about why he really ended it is the part I wasn't prepared for. And the thing we've been sitting on for months. Both books are out. Is My Marriage Dead? is for the person who can't tell whether this is a rough stretch or the real thing. I was a divorce mediator for thirteen years, and there's a pattern in there I have never seen anybody else name. The Crisis Communication Scripts is the other half, because changing a pattern takes two parts and most of us only ever get handed the first one. If you've been telling yourself you'll deal with this once things settle down, listen to this now rather than later. Later is the whole problem. Resources & Links The books are out. Is My Marriage Dead? A Divorce Mediator's Guide to Finding Out What's True, and What to Do About It The Crisis Communication Scripts: Exact Words for Our Most Challenging Moments: https://stacibartley.mysamcart.com/is-your-marriage-dead/ Better Love Quiz: 22 questions, about five minutes, free and completely private. An honest answer to whether this is a rough patch or real trouble. https://betterlovequiz.com Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

  8. Aug 29

    #282: Six Steps to an Apology Your Partner Can Actually Hear

    Ask Us A Question You already said you were sorry. You meant every word of it. And they're still sitting there closed up like you never opened your mouth. I get this question constantly. I've made a mess, it's my fault, and I can't get my person to turn around and hear me. So today I'm not answering how to apologize, or even how to apologize better. You already know how to say I'm sorry. What I want to answer is why it doesn't land, and the reason is specific. Most of us apologize for the wrong thing entirely. Not the wrong words. The wrong thing. I'll walk you through the six steps I take my private clients through, the same ones Tom and I use on each other. I snapped at him in the car over nothing and we had it cleaned up in about 20 seconds. In my previous marriage that same moment would have cost us the whole weekend. Tom tells on himself in here too, about a dinner he said he'd come to and didn't. Two things to listen for. There's one sentence that opens the door before you apologize at all, and it ends with a one-word question that decides whether they can even hear the rest. And there's a last step almost everybody skips, the one that takes an apology from finished to actually over. If you've heard this episode before, that's the part to stay for. Press play before the next round of that same fight. A Quick Note We're a few weeks into bringing back the episodes you've downloaded the most while we're in Tuscany, Italy, leading our very first international relationship retreat. Brand-new episodes are back mid-September. Resources & Links Better Love Quiz: 22 questions, about 5 minutes, free and completely private. Find out which skill is missing. https://betterlovequiz.com Private session with Staci: real help cleaning up a mess that's bigger than a car ride. https://stacibartley.com/private-sessions Clarity call: not sure where to start? The average couple waits six years to get help. Don't do that. https://stacibartley.com/apply Enjoying Love Shack Live? Please leave a review and share this episode with someone you care about. Love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today. Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know. $9 digital guide. Start reading today.

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Relationships are complex. They are filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. And sometimes, it can feel like you're struggling just to keep your head above water. If you're feeling like this, then it's important to reach out for help. That's where Tom and Staci Bartley come in. As relationship experts, they have helped countless couples overcome the challenges that they're facing. And now, they're here to help you. The Love Shack Live Show is filled with advice and tips that will help you get your relationship back on track. So if you're struggling in your relationship, make sure to tune in, it could be the best decision you ever make.

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