Beyond Success

David Tian

Beyond Success is the podcast for founders and high achievers asking the bigger questions behind what they're building. You've built a career, maybe a company, perhaps a solid portfolio, and by most measures that's gone well. What brought you here is probably something more specific: a decision you can't make, relationships that keep ending the same way, or a business you're still building at full speed without being sure what it's for. Maybe you exited, and everyone assumes you'll start another one. Maybe you want a marriage and children but keep postponing both. Maybe you have more freedom than you've ever had before but no idea what you should do with it. The usual advice is to get clear on what you want and go after it. But that treats the getting as the hard part. Actually, the hard part comes earlier. A strategy can be excellent and still rest on assumptions you've never examined: needing to stay relevant, needing to prove something, worrying about who you'd be if you stopped. Left alone, they'll keep you working for another decade toward a life you never truly wanted. Then there's a question most advice skips: whether the thing you want is worth wanting, what your way of getting it costs the people dearest to you, and who you're turning into while you go after it. You can succeed at everything you set out to do only to find you've become someone you wouldn't have chosen. Most advice takes the goal as settled and helps you get there faster. This show takes up the goals themselves. I'm David Tian, private adviser to founders, leaders, and high achievers on the bigger questions behind what they're building. My background is in philosophy, psychology, and deep therapeutic work. I was a tenure-track philosophy professor at the National University of Singapore, with a Ph.D. from the University of Michigan and fellowships at Harvard and Princeton. I'm also a Certified IFS Therapy Practitioner (Level 3) and a Brown University Certified Leadership Coach. I draw on modern psychology, Asian philosophy, and two decades of work with accomplished people who have achieved a great deal but still aren't sure what comes next. We take up the questions that remain once ambition has done its job: what a good life asks of you, what's worth wanting, what love is and what it requires, how to hold power over other people without damaging them, what you want to have contributed to the world, and how to face death well. Working through them changes what you build next, and usually changes how you relate to the people you're building it with. If the questions behind what you're building have gotten harder to ignore, this podcast is for you. For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/ Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery/

  1. 3d ago

    #112: How Past Success Can Cost You Your Future: The Identity Trap

    Over the years, you became someone who adapted to the circumstances back then, and now you feel compelled to keep being that person. This old identity is a big reason for your success. But it also imprisons and restricts your future. You feel neurotically compelled to defend this old identity, even when your circumstances have dramatically shifted. It stuffs you in a box where you're unable to grow. You dismiss information, advice, or possibilities because accepting them would challenge who you believe you are. It actively prevents you from building a more fulfilling life. And it's terribly hard to even notice when your old identity takes over, let alone create a newer, more flexible, and less rigid one. When you cling to who you've been, it can feel too threatening to change what you value or want. But when you allow your identity to develop, you can become the person who makes the choices that create the life you actually want. Those choices will start to feel natural. You will feel more grateful, find more joy, and love more deeply. In this episode, you'll discover how to distinguish a worthwhile commitment from a stuck, ossified identity that's holding you back, you'll learn how greater flexibility with your identity opens up a new world of opportunity for your future, and you'll hear the brutal consequences of staying stuck in your old box for too long. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: How your emotions interfere with cold and clear logic and can trick you into making a decision you regret (1:52)  The insidious way your ego traps you in your identity and prevents you from growing (4:26)  Why understanding how identities form allows you to step out from its confinement over your future (5:11)  The Defensive Identity Pattern: How your talents and most prized character traits betray you and end up restricting your life (8:49)    4 ways to practice lessening your identity's grip over your future and eventually making it as flexible as water (16:07)  The cold, hard truth about why your mind views love as a threat (25:00)  A simple (yet difficult) 5-step action plan for creating a new identity that fulfills you more deeply without being imprisoned by your identity again (29:24)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

  2. Oct 23

    #111: You're Successful, So Why Don't You Feel Good Enough?

    Have you achieved success only to be met with a background anxiety that's slowly poisoning your enjoyment of life? Do you feel like an imposter who always has to stay "on guard" to prevent the mask from falling? When you know how much of your success you owe to luck, you can't honestly use it as proof that you're better than other people. If you persist in looking down on them as less than, then you're just lying to yourself. You can fool other people. But you still have to live with what you know is the truth. And until your conscience is clear, no amount of success will allow you to enjoy your life in peace. This is why billionaires are sometimes the unhappiest people even despite their incredible wealth. And, bizarrely enough, it's also the reason white supremacists are so unhappy too. But here's the good news: In today's show, I will reveal why your success in this life has more to do with luck than appears on first blush. You'll understand why grasping this lesson sets you free from the toxic Myth of Meritocracy—and how to achieve success and find lasting fulfillment in life without that background anxiety that's constantly eating away at you. Listen now. Show Highlights Include: Why your worldly success doesn't eliminate the background sense of anxiety you feel (and, if anything, its poison will only grow more potent with each new achievement) (0:55)  How your genetic inheritance may be just as important to your success as the character traits and skills you've built (3:03) The Myth of Meritocracy: How your achievements trick you into creating a life full of dread, insecurity, and unhappiness (8:17)  How the "Veil of Ignorance" (which was first introduced by perhaps the most influential moral philosopher of the 20th century) protects you from achieving success at the direct expense of your happiness (12:32)  Why achievers are more prone to creating a psychologically draining existence where you don't have true friends, romantic relationships always stay surface level, and leaves you incapable of celebrating another's success (16:07)  What you can learn from a white supremacist about building a fulfilling, satisfying, and morally just life where you can enjoy your achievements fully without the pervasive anxiety from your conscience (22:13) For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #111: You're Successful, So Why Don't You Feel Good Enough?
  3. Oct 16

    #110: Why You Don't Feel Loved By People Who Think They Love You

    2,500 years ago, Confucius warned that agreement doesn't create the harmony we're all secretly after. Only disagreement can.  Maybe you want a family, but your partner doesn't. Or you no longer share your family's religious beliefs. Or everyone seems to admire your success, but you can't tell them what you actually want to do with the next phase of your life without disappointing them. So you keep the peace. But keeping the peace in your personal and professional relationships comes with a steep cost that you don't realize you're paying in the moment. It costs you self-trust, genuine connection, and the freedom to choose how your life goes. Even love becomes hard to trust: would they still love you if they knew what you keep hiding? Success can make this even harder. Now more people have something riding on your choices and they expect more from you, so you have more reasons to keep pretending to be the person they expect. In this episode, you'll learn how to stand by your judgment when others disapprove, accept disagreement without treating it as betrayal, and build relationships where being loved doesn't depend on pretending. Listen now to discover what keeping the peace is actually costing you, and how honesty is what makes deeper love, confidence, and freedom possible. Show Highlights Include: The counterintuitive way encouraging disagreements brings about true harmony (in your personal and professional relationships) (3:21)  How to feel more confident in yourself when your decisions disappoint your loved ones (3:46)  Why your success actually makes people scared to disagree with you (and how this can ratchet up your people-pleasing tendencies) (4:28)  What a 2,500-year-old Confucian concept reveals about why your best employees start lying to you (10:52)   How high achievers accidentally create a "false self" that gets admiration that makes your true self feel more alone and isolated (16:43)  Why hiding some parts of yourself from the other people in your life fills you with a deep sense of doubt (18:19)  How to avoid buckling under the pressure of your self-doubt when there's an important disagreement in your professional or personal life (22:44)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #110: Why You Don't Feel Loved By People Who Think They Love You
  4. Oct 9

    #109: Why a Good Decision Can Still Feel Wrong

    You've thought the decision through and had good reasons for making it. But now you're living with the results, and you keep wondering whether you chose wrong. Maybe you ended a relationship and miss the person. Or you declined an opportunity and can't stop thinking about what you gave up. But if you take the painful consequences as proof of a bad decision, then you end up returning to the same toxic relationship, or restoring the original unresolved problem, or spending another year going back in circles. Or keep flip-flopping until you no longer trust yourself to make a good decision and follow through. Yet, you can't simply ignore your gut feelings, either. Sometimes they reveal a problem you overlooked. In this episode, you'll learn how to tell whether your discomfort warrants reconsidering or whether you need to grieve the loss of something that's good for you to give up. You'll discover a way to weigh your choices without overthinking the decision to death. You'll learn how to recognize what genuinely needs to change. And you'll see how to commit to a worthwhile choice, despite painful but necessary consequences, long enough that it leads to the life you want. Listen before you unwittingly undo a good decision. Show Highlights Include: The strange way undoing a decision due to anxiety or FOMO increases the chances you undo another wise decision (even if it feels like the smart thing to do) (1:20)  The biggest mistake you can make after making an important decision (1:55)   How falling into the "Resulting Bias Trap" sabotages your self-confidence, devours your energy and time, and pushes your loved ones away (4:59)  Why separating the results of a decision, good or bad, from the process of making that decision is the most fail-proof way to avoid regrets (6:12) How your good fortune can betray your future self (and how to prevent your luck from sabotaging your success) (8:40)  Here's why feeling bad after making a correct decision does not suddenly make the decision wrong (10:46)  A simple way to reframe the pain of a hard decision so you don't lose yourself to it (17:14)  The 4-step method to reassess a difficult decision without ruminating over it every other night (22:30)  Is feeling lonely a good reason to get back with your ex? (25:49)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #109: Why a Good Decision Can Still Feel Wrong
  5. Oct 3

    #108: When Part of You Wants to Change & Part of You Doesn't (Guided Meditation)

    You tell yourself you want to change. You can articulate lots of good reasons for changing. But when it comes time to commit or decide or take action, some part of you gets in the way... and you're back to being stuck just arguing with yourself. Maybe you want to leave your job, but every time you consider it, you think about everything you'd be giving up. You can see how each side has good points, which makes it harder to decide what to do. In this episode, I'll guide you through a meditation where you give both sides a chance to be heard. You'll explore what each wants and what each fears, without having to force yourself to agree with either one. The aim is to understand what's making the choice so hard, so you can consider a small next step that takes both concerns seriously. You don't have to settle the whole decision today. Set aside about 20 minutes somewhere you can sit without distractions, and bring one thing you feel torn about. I'll guide you through it, and you can pause whenever you need more time. If you're driving or busy right now, save this episode for later. The meditation will be waiting here for you when you're ready. Show Highlights Include: Live Meditation Begins: Two Conflicting Sides of Yourself (0:30)  Do you have an issue you keep putting off, or do you want to change your life but don't know how to begin? This will help (0:45) How to re-ground yourself if this meditation becomes too overwhelming (and you know what? this technique works anytime life feels too overwhelming) (1:26)  5 different ways you might visualize your different parts and their varying emotions throughout this meditation (3:01)  Why small and even productive tasks may be your mind betraying yourself (3:42)  How to hear both sides of yourself during an argument without picking which one is "right" (4:53) A question to ask to each part of an inner conflict to arrive at the best step forward (7:30)  3 more questions to ask to conflicting parts to know them more intimately and deeply (11:19)  How to act when the meditation ends to arrive at the best decision for yourself (20:05)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

  6. Sep 25

    #107: How to Trust Yourself When You Keep Changing Your Mind

    You've thought it through, and your decision makes sense. But then another concern comes up, and you can make just as good a case for doing something else. After a while, you start to wonder whether you can trust your own judgment. Being smart can make this harder, because you can build a convincing argument for whichever option you feel most pulled toward. For example, maybe you no longer enjoy your job. One part of you fears wasting more years there, while another worries about giving up what you've earned. You understand both, but you still have to decide whether to stay, go, or do something else? And when you try to dismiss these concerns, the parts of you that have them become more urgent. You end up arguing with yourself, hoping one side will finally shut up. In this episode, you'll learn how to understand what each part of you is actually trying to do and make a choice while still caring for the parts that disagree. That's self-leadership. You'll also experience a short guided exercise to practice hearing those concerns without letting the strongest fear decide everything. Whether you're facing a life transition, a troubled relationship, or an ordinary daily choice, you can build self-trust without first needing every doubt to disappear. Listen now. Show Highlights Include: How to develop self-trust even when every distinct "part" of you wants to pull you in dramatically different directions (2:31)  The inner workings of how an internal argument unfolds inside yourself (and the right way and wrong way to lead this internal battle and arrive at the best decision) (4:02)  A simple way to practice disagreeing with yourself (that you can easily try as you listen along) (11:03)  Why holding two opposing ideas in your head simultaneously feels so difficult (17:13)  The slow and subtle way doubt plants seeds in your mind that grow into mountains (and how being Self-led is the solution to these insidious seeds) (20:31)    For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/    Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment.   Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #107: How to Trust Yourself When You Keep Changing Your Mind
  7. Sep 18

    #106: What Would You Pay to Get Five Years Back?

    Failure is easy to notice. You build the wrong company, make a bad investment, or choose the wrong direction, and eventually the result tells you something went wrong. Success can actually be harder. Let's say the company grows, the numbers improve, the sacrifices keep paying off. Meanwhile, you may be giving up time with your spouse, your children, your health, or years of your life that you can never get back. That's the problem. Money can often be replaced. Time can't. You can earn back a million dollars. You can't get your child's sixth year back. You can't become single today and have a twenty-year marriage next year. In this episode, you'll learn four questions that help you see the price of a decision before time makes it obvious. The goal is not to stop sacrificing. It is to know what you are really spending, what you are spending it on, and whether the trade is worth it. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: Why do you make personal decisions (that often matter more to you than any financial return) without much thought or scrutiny? (0:54)  How putting a dollar amount on various personal decisions gives you clarity (even if it feels weird and unnatural at first) (1:24)  4 questions to ask yourself before making a personal sacrifice to help prevent a decision you'll regret 10, 20, or even 50 years later (5:17)  How the natural passing of time inflates the cost of decisions you make today (and why understanding this is crucial for minimizing your regrets) (17:49)  The #1 blind spot achievers have that traps you into overvaluing business decisions and undervaluing personal ones (23:47)  Why considering your potential losses is like a cheat code to making correct decisions (24:42)  This gloomy-sounding exercise (originally created over 2,000 years ago by the Stoics) allows you to "time travel" and make decisions today with the perspective of the future (27:40)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #106: What Would You Pay to Get Five Years Back?
  8. Sep 11

    #105: How to Live So Death Doesn't Feel Too Soon

    There's a difference between wanting more time to live your life and needing more time to live your life. You can want another twenty years because you love being alive. Or you can need them because you still haven't built the relationship, started the family, or spent enough time with the friends you kept meaning to see. The reasons for postponing those things may have been sensible. But the same reasons can keep you postponing them for another decade or more. You'd think the people who love life most would be the most terrified of death. In fact, the opposite is true: the more of your life you've left unlived, the more terrifying death becomes. You'll hear why a full life isn't a completed bucket list and why cosmic insignificance can bring relief. We also explore the experience of loving someone without asking that person to make you complete. The aim is to stop treating life as preparation and start appreciating what you get to experience while you're still alive. You can still want more years. But if you keep postponing the life you actually care about, no number of extra years will ever feel like enough. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: The strange way "Death Anxiety" creeps up on you when you're young and distorts the rest of your life afterwards (and how to notice when you're acting on its behalf instead of your own) (1:52)  Why mortgaging your present in exchange for some future return seems logical and even astute (even as it dismantles the one and only life you get to live) (2:03)  The cold, hard truth about why some of the most successful people are the ones with the greatest degree of "Death Anxiety" (4:22)  What every achiever needs to hear from the great philosopher Albert Camus (who was the second youngest person to win the Nobel Prize) before you spend your whole life building a life you never get to live (11:06)  Try this simple thought experiment the next time you're anxious, overwhelmed, or feeling the pangs of regret (15:27)  How the simple act of loving another person may be all you ever need to turn a dull and lackluster life into one worth living (24:26)  A psychologist's secret for not only reducing your "Death Anxiety" to zero, but actually increasing your peace with death (29:43)  How a scary cancer diagnosis "shocked" a private client into realizing how much "un-living" he was doing (and how to duplicate his results without needing a scary diagnosis in order to make significant changes) (32:38)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #105: How to Live So Death Doesn't Feel Too Soon
5
out of 5
28 Ratings

About

Beyond Success is the podcast for founders and high achievers asking the bigger questions behind what they're building. You've built a career, maybe a company, perhaps a solid portfolio, and by most measures that's gone well. What brought you here is probably something more specific: a decision you can't make, relationships that keep ending the same way, or a business you're still building at full speed without being sure what it's for. Maybe you exited, and everyone assumes you'll start another one. Maybe you want a marriage and children but keep postponing both. Maybe you have more freedom than you've ever had before but no idea what you should do with it. The usual advice is to get clear on what you want and go after it. But that treats the getting as the hard part. Actually, the hard part comes earlier. A strategy can be excellent and still rest on assumptions you've never examined: needing to stay relevant, needing to prove something, worrying about who you'd be if you stopped. Left alone, they'll keep you working for another decade toward a life you never truly wanted. Then there's a question most advice skips: whether the thing you want is worth wanting, what your way of getting it costs the people dearest to you, and who you're turning into while you go after it. You can succeed at everything you set out to do only to find you've become someone you wouldn't have chosen. Most advice takes the goal as settled and helps you get there faster. This show takes up the goals themselves. I'm David Tian, private adviser to founders, leaders, and high achievers on the bigger questions behind what they're building. My background is in philosophy, psychology, and deep therapeutic work. I was a tenure-track philosophy professor at the National University of Singapore, with a Ph.D. from the University of Michigan and fellowships at Harvard and Princeton. I'm also a Certified IFS Therapy Practitioner (Level 3) and a Brown University Certified Leadership Coach. I draw on modern psychology, Asian philosophy, and two decades of work with accomplished people who have achieved a great deal but still aren't sure what comes next. We take up the questions that remain once ambition has done its job: what a good life asks of you, what's worth wanting, what love is and what it requires, how to hold power over other people without damaging them, what you want to have contributed to the world, and how to face death well. Working through them changes what you build next, and usually changes how you relate to the people you're building it with. If the questions behind what you're building have gotten harder to ignore, this podcast is for you. For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/ Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery/

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