Send us a message Episode 229: My Adult Child Says I Trigger Them: What Should I Do? What does it mean when your adult child says, “You’re triggering me”? For many parents, hearing this word can feel confusing, painful, and disorienting. You may wonder what you said wrong, whether you caused a trauma response, or whether it is still possible to have an honest conversation without making things worse. In this episode, Tina explains what the word “triggered” can mean, what may be happening in your adult child’s nervous system, and how to respond without becoming defensive, dismissive, or afraid to speak. The word “triggered” originally came from trauma and PTSD research, where it described an involuntary nervous system response to something associated with past danger. Today, the word is also used more broadly to describe emotional distress, discomfort, overwhelm, or the desire to stop a difficult conversation. This episode is also partly based on research from the Gottman Institute, particularly its work on emotional flooding during conflict. Emotional flooding happens when the body becomes so activated that heart rate rises, stress hormones increase, and the ability to think clearly, show empathy, and solve problems begins to decrease. The Gottman Institute’s research was conducted primarily with couples, not parents and adult children. However, the underlying nervous system response to relational stress can still offer a helpful framework for understanding why difficult conversations sometimes become unproductive so quickly. You do not have to decide in the moment whether your adult child is experiencing a trauma trigger, emotional flooding, or simply feeling overwhelmed. Your job is not to diagnose the reaction. Your job is to respond in a way that lowers the intensity and protects the possibility of repair. Why You Should Listen If your adult child says you trigger them, you may feel like you are walking on eggshells. You may become afraid to ask questions, bring up concerns, or continue difficult conversations. This episode will help you understand what may be happening beneath the word “triggered” so you can respond with more steadiness and less defensiveness. You will also learn why taking a break can help the nervous system settle, why pushing through an emotionally flooded conversation often backfires, and why returning to the discussion later is an essential part of rebuilding trust. In This Episode, You Will Learn: What “triggered” means in trauma research, therapy language, and everyday conversationsHow the Gottman Institute’s research on emotional flooding helps explain what happens during intense conflictWhat to say when your adult child tells you that you are triggering themWhy a real pause can restore clear thinking, empathy, and emotional regulationHow returning to the conversation can support conflict repair and strengthen your relationship with your adult childYou do not need to argue about whether your adult child is using the word correctly. You also do not need to treat every use of the word as an emergency. Instead, you can notice the emotional activation, regulate your own nervous system, take a meaningful pause, and make a plan to return to the conversation when both of you are steadier. A pause is not the same as avoidance. The goal is not to abandon the topic. The goal is to create enough calm that the conversation has a better chance of becoming productive. When you consistently show your adult child that difficult conversations can pause and then continue, you begin to create a new pattern. Over time, hard topics may feel less threatening because neither person has to fear that every disagreement will end in defensiveness, withdrawal, or a slammed door. Listen now to better understand emotional triggers, nervous system regulation, emotional flooding, and how to respond when your adult child says you trigger them. If this episode helps you make sense of a difficult moment, share it with another parent who may need to hear it. Click Here to download the free guide: 5 Steps to Take Before Trying to Repair the Relationship with Your Adult Child Tina Gosney is a Family Conflict Coach and parent educator. She works with parents of adult children. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. If your emotions are running the show and you need help stopping the spiral so that you can think clearly, calm your body, and respond from a steadier place, consider joining Reset to Connection. To see if this is a good fit for you: CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE 2. If you're ready to dive deeper and want community support along with private coaching, join Bridge to Connection. Set up a Connection Clarity Call with Tina to see if this is a good fit for you: CLICK HERE TO SET UP A CALL 3. To explore your private coaching options, let's talk: CLICK HERE ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma-informed coach. Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.
