Synopsis Small talk isn’t about filling silence. It’s about opening doors. The goal is to express genuine interest. One thoughtful question creates a conversation. One conversation creates a relationship. And one relationship can change a business — or even a life. Some Thoughtful Questions Who is your ideal client or referral partner? What’s something exciting that you’re working on that most people don’t know about yet? What’s a challenge you’re dealing with right now? What can I do to assist you with that? Who do you know that I could help right now? Before we wrap up, what’s one thing I should remember about you? In your BNI chapter and with other people you’ve met before, pick up a previous conversation, refer to something they’ve said in a presentation, or bring up something positive another member said about them. Choose three of the questions in this podcast and try them during Open Networking or in your next One-to-One. Links Listen to Episode 937: Try Smart Talk, Not Small Talk. Listen to Episode 943: What to Say to Boring People. Listen to Episode 946: Small Talk. Complete Transcript of Episode 972 Priscilla: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Official BNI Podcast. I’m Priscilla Rice, and I’m coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California, and I’m joined on the phone today by the Founder and the Chief Visionary Officer of BNI, Dr. Ivan Misner. Hello Ivan, how are you and where are you? Ivan: I am doing great, and I am in Charlotte, North Carolina this week, today at BNI Global Support Office, and I’ll be talking to the staff and taking a look at the new museum room that has been set up, so I’m excited to be in Charlotte. Priscilla: So, what do you have to share with us? Ivan: Well, you know, I’ve been having a lot of people ask me about Small Talk, and I’ve done a couple of podcasts on it, and I’ve got some new content, some new material. So I thought I would talk about The Power of Small Talk, and how little conversations can develop into big relationships. I’m sure you’ve heard, I’ve certainly heard people say, “I’m just not good at small talk.” I hear that all the time. Priscilla: Oh, right, that’s a phrase. Ivan: Yeah, I’m just not good at small talk, or I don’t like small talk. Personally, I think small talk gets a bad reputation. The problem isn’t small talk, the problem is staying there in small talk. Small talk shouldn’t be the destination, it’s the doorway. And if you never walk through the doorway, you’re never going to build the kinds of relationships that generate referrals, generate opportunities that can build lifelong friendships. Networking isn’t about collecting business cards, it’s about collecting relationships, and relationships almost always begin with small talk, opening conversation. I recommend you do a search on small talk, and you’ll see a number of the podcasts that I’ve done on this, and this has some different content than what I had on those others. Many people think that they have to say something brilliant in the small talk. Well, you don’t. You just have to make the other person feel important. That is what you need to do. So, here’s something I’ve learned over 40 years of building BNI. Many people forget, they forget exactly what you say, but they’ll remember how you made them feel when your conversation makes someone feel interesting, respected, or appreciated. You’ve already separated yourself from most of the people that they’ll meet that day. So, what do you actually say? Let’s start with meeting someone for the first time, instead of asking, “So, what do you do?” Try asking, “What’s something good that’s been keeping you busy lately?” One [question] asks for a job title; the other invites a story, and people remember stories, they don’t remember job titles. Another question is, and I love this, “What do you enjoy most about what you do?” That question shifts people away from facts and towards passion. People light up when they talk about what they enjoy. Here’s another favorite. “How did you get into that?” Almost everyone has a story, and stories build a connection faster than resumes ever will. Since this is a BNI Podcast, here’s a question that every member should become comfortable asking, “Who is your ideal client or referral partner?” With that, you’re really asking, “Who can I help you meet?” Another great question is, “What’s one challenge you’re working through right now?” You know, helping people solve problems is where referrals begin, and relationships begin. And I know I’ve told stories about this, where I’ve asked a question about what’s one of the challenges. And you don’t want to lead with this question, because it’s not a good question to open with, but when somebody has talked a little bit to you, then you say, “What’s your biggest challenge right now?” or “What’s one of your challenges?” And I remember creating a great relationship with someone who was talking to me about a nonprofit [organization], wanting to start a nonprofit, but didn’t think he was big enough to do it, and I referred him to a community foundation, which you basically set up a fund under 401(c)(3) charitable foundation, and I’ve talked about that in a podcast. And so helping people solve problems is where relationships and referrals begin. It certainly did in that case. One of my favorites is, “What’s something exciting that you’re working on that most people don’t know about yet?” Priscilla: Mmm. Ivan: Yeah, I think that’s a great one. And before ending the conversation, ask, “Before we wrap up, what’s one thing I should remember about you?” I love that question. Now, remember… it’s not an interrogation, it’s a discussion. So don’t go in with a list of questions, and I’ve actually seen people go, “So before we wrap up, what’s one thing that I should remember about you?” Wait, you know, just have these tucked away in your mind, so that you can ask these kinds of things and get people to open up. Now, let’s move to other people that you’ve already met. Try beginning, you know, somebody that you met, you know, like a BNI member. This is what you ask, “I’ve been thinking about what you said last time. We should pick up on that conversation. We should pick that conversation back up.” That tells someone that you’ve listened, you remembered, and you cared. Now, particularly online groups for BNI and hybrid groups, you should be taking notes of what members [say]. If you’re working on your computer, it shouldn’t be email. You should be taking notes on what members are saying, so that when you do a One-to-One with that person, or when you do a breakout with that person, you can absolutely ask this question. “You know, I’ve been thinking about your presentation last week or two weeks ago, and I’d love to pick that conversation back up.” That tells people you’re listening while they’re doing their presentations. Take notes about people in their weekly presentations, especially online, because it’s really easy to get distracted. Or you can say, “That idea you shared really stuck with me. I actually used it.” Or you can say, “I appreciate how consistent you are. You always show up.” Or “I admire the way you handled that situation that you discussed.” These show that you’re listening to people. Here’s one especially valuable inside BNI. “Who do you know that I could help right now?” It’s just a conversation from “What can I get?” to “Who can I serve?” That’s Givers Gain in action. And perhaps the most powerful question of all is one that everybody’s heard me say, “How can I help you?” And you know, it’s funny, Priscilla, true story. I was doing a live radio interview just a few years ago, and I talked about meeting people and small talk. I talked about asking… you know, if you feel like there’s some kind of connection with the person, asking “How can I help you?” And the talk show host just shut me down right there. It’s like, “Oh, that old phrase, “How can I help you? That never works, I don’t recommend that.” Well, you know, I’m on live radio, I don’t want to get into an argument with the guy, and I’m just like, “Well, I find that kind of works. But let’s move on. Let’s talk about that other topic you wanted to talk about.” And so, you know, I just moved the conversation on. Here’s what was interesting: when the interview was over, I said, “So what kind of people are you looking for to bring in to interview,” and he gave me some professions and some specific names. And I told him, I said, “You know what, I know that person. I know that person really, really well. Would you like me to reach out to them and see if they’d be willing to be on your show?” And he’s like, “Wow, really? Yes, that would be fantastic.” And I said, “That’s how you say, ‘How can I help you?’ without actually using those words.” Priscilla: Right. Ivan: And he said, “Touché. You’re absolutely right. You just found a way to help me, you didn’t use those words. Those tired old words,” he called them, “but that’s exactly what you did.” And it works. Everyone, it works. It really does. If you want to help somebody, ask some variation of that. “What can I do to assist you with that?” “How can I help you?” “Who are you looking for in his case?” So, one more phrase: “I’ve been hearing great things about you.” Then give an example. “Been hearing great things about you.” When you say that, when you say, “So and so was just talking about what a great job you did,” you’re giving someone the gift of their reputation. You’re showing… you’re putting a mirror up to them with a positive vision of the