Promo Code’s birthday week begins with Meade Skelton planning Dolly Parton’s funeral entertainment, a Sextastic Tuesday story that belongs in an evidence locker, a woman wedged inside a backhoe bucket, fatal penis filler, furious furries, and an airline passenger duct-taped directly to his seat. Promo Code’s Birthday Week DV listener Promo Code sponsors the entire week and requests a daily helping of Meade Skelton, apparently the only birthday entertainment dangerous enough for this audience. Promo Code also proposes a future best-man speech, possible eulogy, and tasteful nude bribe if Tim calls Meade. Suddenly, friendship has become a hostage negotiation. Happy birthday, Promo Code. Your generosity has condemned everyone to five days of concentrated Meade. Meade Skelton’s Delusion Corner Meade Skelton announces that he wants to sing at Dolly Parton’s funeral and seems genuinely puzzled that her management has not contacted him. His claim to the microphone is that Dolly is his eighth cousin once removed, a relationship tracing back to a shared ancestor from roughly the late 1600s and essentially zero shared DNA. Meade graciously offers to sing anything requested except Rock of Ages, which he has already rejected as the worst hymn ever. Beggars can apparently be extremely specific choosers. He also reacts to a local report about a brutally attacked 99-year-old woman by immediately reaching for racist insinuations, because even horrifying elder abuse must somehow pass through the Meade prejudice machine. Sextastic Tuesday Rick from Baltimore excavates a piece of internet erotica called Jump Rope from his personal archive, and the entire audience is encouraged to remember the phrase personal archive when deciding whether to trust him again. The story begins with a hateful stepsibling rivalry and rapidly mutates into an extremely violent assault involving a jump rope, broken bones, sexual abuse, bodily fluids, an iron weight, and a garbage truck. Any trace of eroticism dies almost immediately, leaving behind a badly written torture fantasy whose grammar deteriorates in direct proportion to the author’s excitement. The narrator concludes his campaign of depravity by insisting that he hates killing, proving that even fictional psychopaths enjoy giving themselves undeserved moral boundaries. Tim’s final diagnosis is simple: Rick from Baltimore needs to be shamed, evaluated, and kept several hundred feet away from jump ropes. Heavy Machinery Meets Heavy Resistance A very large, partially undressed woman chooses an excavator bucket as her personal lounge chair while workers repeatedly ask her to get off their machine. She ignores everyone, lowers herself farther into the bucket, becomes completely stuck, and suddenly discovers both manners and the phrase help me, please. The workers refuse to touch her after she allegedly claims she is pregnant and begins rambling about her powerful, beautiful baby being Zendaya. The internet divides between ruthless mockery and serious warnings about positional asphyxiation, while the woman continues screaming loudly enough to demonstrate that air is still entering the building. ️ Distorted News A British-Nigerian influencer dies after receiving penis enlargement injections in Thailand, with a coroner concluding that hyaluronic acid and lidocaine caused a fatal pulmonary embolism. The procedure reportedly cost a fraction of his lavish lifestyle, yet ended with more than 100 minutes of CPR and a funeral featuring a coffin said to cost upward of $745,000. The Maryland Renaissance Festival angers the furry community by banning fursuits after complaints about costumed patrons posing, performing, and aggressively engaging other visitors. Shauna Passalacqua drives two hours dressed in coyote accessories, gets rejected at the gate, and declares that the Renaissance festival no longer feels like a safe space for her furry identity. An American Airlines passenger allegedly grabs another traveler by the neck,
