It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

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Hosted by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Megan Hunter, MBA, It’s All Your Fault! High Conflict People explores the five types of people who can ruin your life—people with high conflict personalities and how they weave themselves into our lives in romance, at work, next door, at school, places of worship, and just about everywhere, causing chaos, exhaustion, and dread for everyone else. They are the most difficult of difficult people — some would say they’re toxic. Without them, tv shows, movies, and the news would be boring, but who wants to live that way in your own life! Have you ever wanted to know what drives them to act this way? In the It’s All Your Fault podcast, we’ll take you behind the scenes to understand what’s happening in the brain and illuminates why we pick HCPs as life partners, why we hire them, and how we can handle interactions and relationships with them. We break down everything you ever wanted to know about people with the 5 high conflict personality types: narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial/sociopath, and paranoid. And we’ll give you tips on how to spot them and how to deal with them.

  1. High Conflict in Court: Managing Charm, Control, and Challenging Testimony

    3 DAYS AGO

    High Conflict in Court: Managing Charm, Control, and Challenging Testimony

    Mastering High-Stakes Legal Testimony: Confronting High Conflict Behavior in the Courtroom Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter analyze a compelling murder trial where a defendant who demonstrated high conflict behavior attempted to control courtroom dynamics through charm, intelligence, and confrontation. Drawing from this case study, they explore how legal professionals can maintain composure and authority when facing witnesses who exhibit traits common to high conflict personalities, including extreme confidence, bullying tactics, and sophisticated manipulation techniques. The episode then addresses two listener questions: a therapist's observation about clients who show limited empathy in human relationships yet demonstrate intense care for animals, and a co-parent seeking strategies for responding quickly to seemingly rehearsed demands from challenging individuals. The hosts provide practical insights for handling both scenarios while maintaining healthy boundaries. Questions Answered in This Episode: How can attorneys maintain control with high conflict witnesses?Why do some individuals show more empathy toward animals than people?What strategies help maintain composure during hostile interactions?How can someone respond effectively to rehearsed demands?Key Takeaways: Thorough preparation is essential when dealing with challenging witnessesMaintaining calm and redirecting focus are crucial strategiesApproximately 3-4% of adults demonstrate antisocial personality traitsCharm and confidence often mask high conflict behaviorsSetting clear boundaries requires both preparation and consistent implementationThis episode offers valuable insights for legal professionals, mental health practitioners, and anyone navigating interactions with high conflict individuals. The discussion highlights the importance of understanding behavioral patterns while maintaining professional composure in challenging situations. Additional Resources Expert Publications The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human EmotionsVisit our bookstorePersonal Growth Conflict Influencer® Class (6 weeks on Zoom)Professional Development Inquire about training for your organizationDomestic Violence Video: Conversations About Domestic Violence with 16 ExpertsConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteWatch this episode on YouTube! Important Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:43) - Back from Hiatus (01:26) - High Conflict in Trials (10:08) - Prepare Some Phrases (13:34) - Personality Types (19:11) - Listener Question: Empathy and Pets (31:15) - Listener Question: Asserting Ourselves Quickly (35:17) - Wrap Up

    37 min
  2. Falsely Blamed? How to Protect Yourself and Respond • REBROADCAST

    28 AUG

    Falsely Blamed? How to Protect Yourself and Respond • REBROADCAST

    REBROADCAST In this vital encore episode, Bill and Megan provide essential guidance for anyone facing false accusations or becoming a target of blame from high-conflict individuals. They explore practical strategies for protecting yourself while maintaining composure, offering specific tactics to minimize risk and manage difficult accusations effectively. The discussion includes nuanced approaches to correcting misinformation without escalating conflict, and how to thoughtfully assert truth while avoiding defensive responses that often backfire. Additional Resources Expert Publications High Conflict People in Legal DisputesIt's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingIt's All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict PeopleProfessional Development Read: Six Tips to Avoid Becoming Someone's Target of BlameLearn: Personality Awareness - Key Skills TrainingConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com Submit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online storeFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:34) - A Target of Blame (01:20) - Term’s History (03:33) - Avoiding Becoming a Target (12:26) - How to Behave (15:27) - Extreme Example (17:53) - Paper Trail for Protection (20:01) - Red Flags (22:56) - Finding Balance (26:11) - Wrap Up (26:31) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to End a Hostile Conversation

    28 min
  3. The High-Conflict Borderline Personality: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 3) • REBROADCAST

    14 AUG

    The High-Conflict Borderline Personality: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 3) • REBROADCAST

    REBROADCAST In this essential encore episode, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter delve deep into understanding high conflict borderline personalities, often called the "Love You Hate You" types. They explore the complex world of these challenging relationships, where charm can rapidly transform into rage. The discussion illuminates the defining characteristics of high conflict borderline personalities, including their emotional regulation struggles and tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking. Bill and Megan examine the prevalence of borderline personality disorder, the overlap with high conflict personalities, and offer practical strategies for managing these challenging dynamics while maintaining hope for recovery. Additional Resources Expert Publications Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD/NPDCalming Upset People with EARDating RadarHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesProfessional Development Strategies for Helping Clients with Borderline Personalities in DivorceConflict Influencer™ ClassConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com Submit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online storeFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:37) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 3 (01:10) - Borderline Personality (07:39) - What does the term mean? (08:50) - Looking for Connection (10:42) - Statistics (14:03) - High Sensitivity (16:26) - Splitting (18:22) - Lying (22:01) - Apologizing (24:47) - Why Vindictive? (27:44) - Finding Success (31:50) - Empathy (34:06) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Domestic Violence

    36 min
  4. Narcissistic Co-Parents, Borderline Spouses, and Intimidating Behaviors • REBROADCAST

    31 JUL

    Narcissistic Co-Parents, Borderline Spouses, and Intimidating Behaviors • REBROADCAST

    REBROADCAST In this valuable encore episode, Bill and Megan tackle three critical listener questions that remain deeply relevant. They begin by addressing a parent's concern about protecting their toddler during a high-conflict custody case involving someone displaying narcissistic traits, offering practical strategies for both the legal process and emotional support. The conversation then shifts to handling intimidating behavior and urgent decision-making scenarios, particularly when dealing with someone who attempts to force their approach. Finally, they explore the complex dynamics of living with someone who has BPD traits, discussing both the potential psychological impact and the importance of finding appropriate therapeutic support for recovery. Additional Resources Expert Publications The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD/NPDHigh-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival GuideThe Healthy Parent's ABC's by Benjamin D. Garber, PhDProfessional Development New Ways for Families Online Class and CoachingHigh Conflict Separation & Divorce Basics Audio SeriesConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com Submit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online storeFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:20) - Listener Questions (01:57) - Handling a Toddler with a Narcissistic Parent (07:58) - Managing Intimidating Behavior (13:30) - Is There Ever a Time to Explain the Truth? (16:20) - Can You Develop BPD Traits From Another? (23:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener Questions!

    25 min
  5. High Conflict Patterns: Understanding Situational vs Long-Term Behavior • And We Introduce Conflict Influencer!

    17 JUL

    High Conflict Patterns: Understanding Situational vs Long-Term Behavior • And We Introduce Conflict Influencer!

    Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the crucial distinction between temporary high conflict behaviors and established patterns of high conflict conduct. As co-founders of the High Conflict Institute, we address common misconceptions about conflict dynamics while introducing our new platform, Conflict Influencer, designed to support individuals navigating challenging relationships. Understanding High Conflict Patterns We examine how situational stress differs from persistent high conflict behavior patterns through an insightful analogy comparing one-time excessive drinking versus chronic alcohol dependence. While anyone may demonstrate high conflict behaviors temporarily during intense stress, persistent patterns typically manifest in: Preoccupation with blaming othersAll-or-nothing thinkingUnmanaged emotionsExtreme behaviorsThe episode clarifies that high conflict patterns often emerge in close relationships but may remain dormant until triggered by significant life changes like divorce or job loss. We emphasize that effective responses avoid giving insight, emotional engagement, or labels, instead focusing on future solutions rather than past conflicts. Questions We Answer in This Episode Is high conflict behavior always situational?Does conflict always require two participants?How can professionals identify pattern-based versus situational conflict?What approaches work best with individuals demonstrating high conflict patterns?What resources are available through the new Conflict Influencer platform?We also introduce ConflictInfluencer.com, our new online community and learning platform offering individual coaching, consultation services, and comprehensive support for personal conflict challenges. This platform provides both self-directed and guided learning options, making conflict management resources more accessible to individuals seeking ongoing skill development. Special emphasis is placed on the importance of practice and support in building confidence when managing difficult interactions. We demonstrate how the same conflict management skills work effectively for both situational and pattern-based conflicts, while providing practical frameworks for understanding and navigating challenging relationships more effectively. Additional Resources Conflict Influencer: Enter our Conflict Influencer World—a place for anyone and everyone who needs help, support and skills for conflict along the spectrum, especially high-conflict.Check out Sierralin Design!Connect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:42) - Updates (02:01) - Today’s Topics (02:49) - Is High Conflict Situational? (11:44) - Things to Avoid with an HCP (12:05) - Four Things to Know to Avoid (12:33) - Don’t Focus on Emotions (13:11) - Avoid the Past (13:29) - Don’t Tell Them They’re an HCP (14:19) - Non-HCPs (16:00) - Watch for Patterns (17:10) - One HCP or Two People in Conflict? (21:36) - Conflict Influencer (31:06) - Questions (41:25) - Wrap Up (42:03) - Reminders & See You in September!

    43 min
  6. Child Abuse Allegations: Finding Truth and Safety in Family Court with Dr. Wendy Bourg

    10 JUL

    Child Abuse Allegations: Finding Truth and Safety in Family Court with Dr. Wendy Bourg

    Child Sexual Abuse Allegations in Family Court: Expert Insights with Dr. Wendy Bourg In this compelling episode, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter welcome clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Bourg for a rare and candid discussion about one of family court's most challenging issues. With decades of experience developing forensic interview guidelines and working directly with families, Dr. Bourg shares invaluable insights about navigating these complex situations. The conversation explores how courts, professionals, and families can move beyond emotional reactions to find practical solutions that prioritize child wellbeing. Dr. Bourg challenges common assumptions and offers fresh perspectives on handling these sensitive cases, drawing from her extensive work in Oregon's family court system. Questions Explored in This Episode What makes these cases particularly challenging for family courts?How can professionals avoid common pitfalls when investigating allegations?What approaches best serve children caught in these situations?Where do well-meaning professionals sometimes go wrong?How can courts balance competing priorities in unclear cases?Key Reasons to Listen Gain practical insights from a leading expert in the fieldLearn about surprising research findings that challenge conventional wisdomUnderstand how to avoid common mistakes that can harm familiesDiscover innovative approaches to handling complex casesHear real-world examples that illuminate better ways forwardWhether you're a family court professional, mental health practitioner, or concerned parent, this episode offers crucial insights for anyone seeking to better understand and address these challenging situations. Join us for this important conversation that goes beyond typical discussions to explore practical, balanced approaches that put children first. Additional Resources Guest, Dr. Wendy Bourg https://drwendybourg.com/Expert Publications Evaluating Sexual Abuse Reports In Family Court by Dr. Wendy BourgTell Me What Happened: Questioning Children About Abuse by Michael LambJeopardy in the Courtroom: A Scientific Analysis of Children's Testimony by Stephen CeciProfessional & Personal Development ConflictInfluencer.com (website for individuals dealing with high-conflict in personal life)New Ways for Families® Training: For family and divorce professionalsConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:31) - Child Sexual Abuse Allegations in Family Court (01:02) - Meet Dr. Wendy Bourg (02:19) - Her Interest in This Work (06:46) - Karpman Drama Triangle (08:36) - Prevalence (12:43) - True or Not True? (17:20) - Safety First and Hippocratic Oath (22:55) - Grey Area Solutions (23:43) - Increase in Frequency? (29:25) - Cycles of Hysteria (32:10) - Therapists and Forensic Truths (35:26) - Flaws Still in the System (36:37) - Working to Help Parents Come Around (38:07) - Percent of Cases That Are True (41:32) - Best Practice Tips (44:38) - No Common Trigger Points (46:10) - Thoughts for Judges (48:19) - Non-Family Members (49:39) - Wrap Up (50:56) - Reminders

    52 min
  7. Trauma vs. Entitlement: Finding Balance in High Conflict Situations

    3 JUL

    Trauma vs. Entitlement: Finding Balance in High Conflict Situations

    Beyond Trauma-Informed: Finding Balance Between Compassion and Consequences Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the complex relationship between trauma-informed approaches and setting appropriate boundaries when dealing with high conflict situations. This timely discussion examines how professionals and individuals can balance empathy with necessary limits. Understanding Trauma and Entitlement The episode delves into how trauma experiences and entitled behavior can sometimes overlap, yet require different responses. Bill Eddy shares insights from his article "Are We Being Too Nice in High Conflict Situations?" highlighting the importance of maintaining appropriate boundaries while acknowledging genuine trauma. The discussion explores how some individuals may use past trauma as justification for problematic behavior, while others may demonstrate entitled behavior without trauma history. The hosts emphasize the need for a balanced approach that combines trauma-informed methods with clear limit-setting. Questions We Answer in This Episode How do we distinguish between trauma response and entitled behavior?When should we set limits with someone who has experienced trauma?How can professionals balance empathy with boundary-setting?What role does DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) play in addressing these issues?How can families handle situations involving threats of self-harm?Key Takeaways Trauma history doesn't excuse harmful behavior toward othersSetting limits can be an act of respect and careProfessional help is crucial when dealing with serious threatsThe SLIC method (Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences) offers practical guidanceInterventions work best when conducted as coordinated group effortsThe episode provides valuable insights for professionals and individuals navigating complex relationships where trauma and entitled behavior intersect. Rather than choosing between empathy and boundaries, listeners learn how to implement both approaches effectively. Additional Resources Expert Publications Article: SLIC Solutions: Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2 ½ StepsArticle: Are We Being too Nice with High Conflict Behavior?Book: The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in The Healing of Trauma - Paperback by Bessel Van der Kolk M.D.Book alert: email info@unhookedmedia.com to be notified when SLIC Solutions book by Bill Eddy is releasedProfessional Development ConflictInfluencer.comNew Ways Training types and dates: For professionals (HR; Workplace leaders; divorce counselors and coaches; mediators) to learn how to work with high-conflict cases, clients or situationsResources EMDRIA.com: EMDR International Association (trauma treatment training/resources)DialecticalBehaviorTherapy.com: A free course for taking control of your thoughts, emotions, and relationships. 40+ lessons with guides, videos, and worksheets.Connect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:34) - Trauma and Entitlement (00:50) - You're Being Too Nice (06:09) - Setting Limits (07:22) - Possibilities (11:32) - Broader Context or Narrower? (15:51) - Empathy at a Distance (20:09) - Pointing to Where Limits Need to Be Set (21:34) - Example (24:47) - If Threats Continue (30:29) - Wrap Up (31:00) - Reminders

    34 min
  8. Female Teacher Sexual Misconduct: Understanding Power Dynamics and Emotional Drivers

    26 JUN

    Female Teacher Sexual Misconduct: Understanding Power Dynamics and Emotional Drivers

    Female Teachers Who Sexually Assault Male Students: Understanding a Complex Issue Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the concerning pattern of sexual misconduct between female teachers and male students. This episode examines the psychological, interpersonal, and cultural factors that contribute to these situations, while providing insights for prevention and awareness. Understanding the DynamicsResearch indicates these cases often involve teachers targeting older adolescents (15-16 years old), with interactions occurring both inside and outside school settings. The motivations tend to be emotionally-driven rather than predatory. While federal data doesn't track gender-specific statistics, anecdotal evidence suggests increased visibility of these cases in recent years. The behavioral patterns in these cases often reveal complex emotional attachment issues, where professional boundaries become increasingly blurred. Teachers who demonstrate this conduct typically exploit their position of authority while developing inappropriate emotional connections with students. This process frequently involves grooming behaviors, where the adult gradually manipulates the relationship dynamic through special attention, emotional manipulation, and progressive boundary violations. Questions We Answer in This Episode: What psychological factors contribute to this behavior?How does grooming manifest in educational settings?What are the impacts on teenage male victims?What warning signs should parents and schools watch for?How can educational institutions prevent these situations?Key Takeaways: Clear boundaries and oversight are essential in educational settingsSchools need comprehensive policies and annual trainingParents should maintain open communication about boundariesEarly intervention and awareness can prevent escalationProfessional support should be available for at-risk teachersThis episode provides valuable insights for educators, parents, and administrators while examining the complex factors that contribute to these concerning situations. Understanding these dynamics helps create safer educational environments and better protection for students. Additional Resources Watch the Full New York Post video “Psychologist Explains Why Female Teachers Have Sex With Students” Organizations RAINN (Help for men and boys who have been sexually assaulted or abused)Article: Sexual Assault of Men and BoysNational Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (U.S.)1in6.org (Support for men who have experienced sexual abuse or assault)501(c)(3) Zero Abuse ProjectExpert Publications Lessons to Learn: Female Educators Who Sexually Abuse Their Students (Psychiatric Times)How Female Sexual Abusers Groom Their Victims (Psychology Today - Dr. Elizabeth L. Jeglic Ph.D.)Sexual assault has lasting effects on teenagers’ mental health and education (National Institute for Health and Care Research)Professional & Personal Development ConflictInfluencer.comConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:33) - Female Teachers who Sexually Assault Young Male Students (01:00) - Background Research (03:17) - What They're Trying to Recreate (04:22) - Looking at the Individual Aspect (08:06) - Trying to Fill a Hole (10:16) - Looking at the Cultural Aspect (11:32) - More Research (14:26) - Impact on Student (16:42) - Attraction to the Extremes (19:29) - Teens with Signs of High Conflict Traits (21:10) - What to Be Aware of (24:02) - Raising Education Levels (26:29) - What Parents and Schools Can Do (32:01) - Reminders

    34 min
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Hosted by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Megan Hunter, MBA, It’s All Your Fault! High Conflict People explores the five types of people who can ruin your life—people with high conflict personalities and how they weave themselves into our lives in romance, at work, next door, at school, places of worship, and just about everywhere, causing chaos, exhaustion, and dread for everyone else. They are the most difficult of difficult people — some would say they’re toxic. Without them, tv shows, movies, and the news would be boring, but who wants to live that way in your own life! Have you ever wanted to know what drives them to act this way? In the It’s All Your Fault podcast, we’ll take you behind the scenes to understand what’s happening in the brain and illuminates why we pick HCPs as life partners, why we hire them, and how we can handle interactions and relationships with them. We break down everything you ever wanted to know about people with the 5 high conflict personality types: narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial/sociopath, and paranoid. And we’ll give you tips on how to spot them and how to deal with them.

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