After the Affair

Luke Shillings
  • 4.8 (32)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

  1. 6d ago

    193. The Conversation You're Dreading: How to Talk to Your Kids After an Affair

    Few conversations carry more emotional weight than sitting down with your children and explaining that something has changed in your family. After an affair, many parents find themselves caught between two competing fears: saying too much and causing harm, or saying too little and creating confusion. They desperately want to protect their children, but often have no idea where to begin. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke brings together everything explored in the previous two episodes and focuses on the practical reality of having the conversation itself. You'll learn why looking for the "perfect script" is often the wrong place to start, how to regulate yourself before the conversation begins, and the simple framework that can help you approach one of the most difficult parenting moments with greater confidence and clarity. Luke also explores the difficult questions children often ask, including: Why is this happening? Did somebody cheat? Are you getting back together? Whose fault is it? Most importantly, you'll discover why your children don't need perfect answers, perfect parents, or a perfect conversation. They need safety. They need stability. And they need parents willing to prioritise their emotional wellbeing above their own need to explain, justify, defend, or be understood. If you've been dreading this conversation, this episode will help you approach it with more confidence, more compassion, and a clearer understanding of what your children actually need from you. Key Takeaways Children rarely remember exact wording, but they do remember how a conversation felt. Emotional safety matters more than the perfect script. Before having the conversation, it's important to regulate yourself first. The Safe Conversation Framework follows five key stages: Safety Truth Change Stability Space The goal is not to explain everything that happened. Children need clarity about their world, not adult relationship details. Difficult questions can be answered honestly without creating emotional burden. Loyalty conflicts can emerge when children feel pressure to take sides. Repair is more important than perfection if you feel you got something wrong. This is rarely one conversation, it is the first of many conversations over time. The Safe Conversation Framework A practical step-by-step guide for parents navigating difficult conversations with children during relationship breakdown, separation, or the aftermath of an affair. The framework covers: Safety Truth Change Stability Space along with guidance on difficult questions, common mistakes, and age-appropriate conversations. To receive a free copy of the guide, email luke@lifecoachluke.com with the subject line: ‘SAFE CONVERSATIONS’ Work With Luke If you're struggling with the aftermath of infidelity and would like support navigating the emotional, practical, and relational challenges that follow betrayal, Luke offers both private coaching and community support. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    16 min

  2. May 27

    192. It’s Over… Now How Do You Tell the Kids After an Affair?

    How do you tell your children that your relationship is over, especially after an affair? This is one of the hardest conversations parents face in the aftermath of betrayal. The relationship has ended. The decision has been made. And now you’re left with the weight of explaining it to the people you most want to protect. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke explores how to approach this conversation with clarity, stability, and intention, without overwhelming your children or placing emotional weight on them they’re not equipped to carry. This isn’t about explaining everything that happened. It’s about helping your children feel safe in a moment where their world is changing. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why explaining why the relationship ended can create more confusion than clarity What children are actually trying to understand when they hear “we’re separating” The difference between pain and uncertainty, and why it matters How to avoid creating loyalty conflict between parents What you can say to provide stability and reassurance How to handle the question “Why?” without oversharing Why this conversation is not a one-time moment, but an ongoing process If you’re facing this conversation and worried about getting it wrong, this episode will help you approach it with more confidence, clarity, and emotional steadiness. Key Takeaways Children are not trying to understand the relationship, they’re trying to understand their world Explaining too much can create confusion and emotional burden Reducing uncertainty is more important than removing pain Loyalty conflict can develop subtly and have long-term impact Clarity about routines, safety, and stability matters more than detail Your child’s experience is shaped more by what happens after the conversation than the conversation itself You don’t need the perfect explanation, you need a grounded presence If you’re navigating separation after an affair and feeling unsure about how to support your children through it, you don’t have to do that alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    17 min

  3. May 20

    191. Do You Tell the Kids About the Affair? What They Actually Need to Hear

    Should you tell your children about an affair? It’s one of the most difficult and emotionally loaded questions parents face after infidelity. You want to be honest, but you also want to protect them. You don’t want to lie, but you’re afraid of saying too much. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke explores how to approach this conversation in a way that prioritises your child’s emotional safety, without avoiding the truth. This isn’t about full disclosure. It’s about understanding what your children actually need to hear, what they don’t, and how to navigate the balance between honesty, protection, and responsibility. In this episode, you’ll learn: Whether you should tell your children about an affair at all The difference between truth and detail, and why it matters When the timing is right (and when it isn’t) What children are really picking up on, even when you don’t tell them How to avoid oversharing or emotionally burdening your child What to say in a way that creates safety, not confusion Why this is not a one-time conversation, but an ongoing process If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, damaging your child, or navigating this moment “perfectly,” this episode will help you approach it with clarity, intention, and confidence. Key Takeaways The goal is not to explain everything; it’s to create emotional safety You can be honest without sharing explicit or unnecessary details Children often sense changes before they’re told anything Not telling them can sometimes create more confusion than clarity Oversharing can transfer emotional weight onto your child Timing is about your ability to show up calmly, not waiting for perfection This conversation is ongoing, not a one-off moment If you’re navigating betrayal and struggling with how to show up for your children during this time, you don’t have to do it alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    21 min

  4. May 13

    190. Stuck Between Two Lives? You’re Avoiding the Real Decision

    Why do you feel stuck between two relationships… and unable to move forward? After (or even during) an affair, it’s common to feel pulled in different directions, torn between a long-term relationship and a new emotional connection. Many people describe this as feeling “stuck,” unsure of what to do next. But what if you’re not actually stuck? In this episode of After the Affair, Luke explores the hidden dynamic behind indecision after infidelity. Why do people stay in limbo, holding onto two lives at once? What are they really avoiding? And what is the emotional cost of not choosing? This episode breaks down: Why feeling “stuck” after an affair is often decision avoidance The illusion of a “third option” (waiting, delaying, hoping for clarity) The emotional and psychological cost of staying in limbo Why hope can keep you attached to something that isn’t sustainable How avoiding loss actually creates more pain over time What it means to take responsibility for your next step Whether you’re navigating conflicting attachments, struggling to let go, or waiting for clarity that never seems to come, this episode will help you understand what’s really happening, and what needs to change. Key Takeaways Feeling stuck between two lives is often a form of decision avoidance Not choosing is still a choice, and it has consequences Holding onto multiple possibilities delays loss but increases emotional strain Hope can become a trap when it keeps you tied to uncertain outcomes Clarity rarely comes from waiting, it comes from honest engagement Real progress begins when you’re willing to face the cost of choosing If you feel pulled in different directions, emotionally overwhelmed, or stuck in a cycle of indecision, you don’t have to figure this out on your own. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    11 min

  5. May 6

    189. Does This Really Justify the Affair? - When They Won’t Let Go of Their Story

    What happens when the person who betrayed you rewrites the relationship to justify what they did… and truly believes it? After infidelity, many betrayed partners are faced with a deeply confusing experience: their partner begins describing the relationship as “always bad,” “unfulfilling,” or “broken”, even when that doesn’t match the reality you lived. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke explores why this happens, what it means psychologically, and why it can feel so destabilising. This isn’t always about manipulation, it’s often a defence mechanism designed to reduce guilt, shame, and internal conflict. But when one partner holds onto a rigid narrative, it creates a serious challenge for repair. This episode will help you understand: Why people rewrite the relationship after an affair How self-justifying narratives form and become “truth” The role of shame, guilt, and identity protection in betrayal Why differing versions of reality make reconciliation difficult Whether it’s possible for someone to step outside their story, and what it takes How to stay anchored in your own experience without needing their validation If you feel like your reality is being questioned, minimised, or rewritten after betrayal, this episode will help you regain clarity and confidence in your own perspective. Key Takeaways Rewriting the relationship after an affair is often a psychological protection mechanism, not always intentional manipulation These narratives help reduce internal conflict between “I’m a good person” and harmful behaviour Repeated stories can become deeply believed, even if they are distorted or incomplete True relationship repair requires both ownership and a shared understanding of reality Waiting for your partner to “see it properly” can keep you stuck Your clarity and healing do not depend on their narrative changing If you’re struggling with confusion, self-doubt, or feeling like your reality is being challenged after betrayal, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    13 min
  6. 188. Why Infidelity Recovery Advice Is Failing You - You Need a Better System

    Apr 29

    188. Why Infidelity Recovery Advice Is Failing You - You Need a Better System

    Why does so much infidelity recovery advice leave you feeling worse instead of better? “Process your feelings.” “Communicate better.” “Decide whether to stay or leave.” These are some of the most common pieces of advice given after betrayal, but when your nervous system is overwhelmed, and your mind is stuck in survival mode, this advice can feel impossible to follow. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke breaks down why traditional betrayal recovery advice often misses the mark and what actually needs to happen first. Healing after infidelity is not about forcing clarity while emotionally activated. It begins with understanding the internal system driving your thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and reactions. This episode explores the difference between your emotional and logical systems, how betrayal hijacks your sense of self, and the practical framework Luke uses with his private coaching clients to help them interrupt emotional spirals and rebuild trust in themselves. If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or like you’re constantly reacting instead of healing, this episode will help you understand why, and what to do next. Key Takeaways Why “process your feelings” often feels impossible after betrayal The problem with making major relationship decisions while emotionally activated The difference between your emotional system and your logical system How betrayal creates internal conflict and damages self-trust The Trigger → Thought → Feeling → Behaviour → Result loop Why the pause between emotion and reaction is where healing begins How “Emotion → Pause → Choose” creates lasting change in betrayal recovery If you’re navigating betrayal and feel emotionally exhausted, stuck in overthinking, or unsure how to stop the spiral, you do not have to do this alone. The work is not just about surviving betrayal, it’s about rebuilding trust in yourself. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    17 min

  7. Apr 22

    187. You Thought Leaving Would Fix Everything… But It Didn’t - Pt 4 of 4

    Does leaving a relationship after infidelity actually make things better? Many people believe that once they leave, the pain will ease, that distance will bring clarity, relief, and emotional freedom. But what often follows is something very different. In this episode of After the Affair, we explore the reality of what happens after you leave a relationship affected by betrayal. Why do the thoughts, emotions, and confusion remain? Why can you still feel stuck, even after making a decision you thought would help? This episode breaks down: Why leaving after cheating doesn’t automatically resolve emotional pain The difference between changing your circumstances and processing betrayal trauma Why you may still feel connected, confused, or unsettled after separation The hidden emotional work that begins after the relationship ends A simple, practical tool to help you navigate difficult thoughts and feelings in real time If you’ve left a relationship after infidelity and are wondering why you don’t feel the relief you expected, this episode will help you understand what’s really happening, and how to begin moving forward in a more grounded and intentional way. Key Takeaways Leaving a relationship after infidelity creates space—but it doesn’t automatically heal the emotional impact Feeling stuck after leaving doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision The pain you experience after betrayal is internal and requires processing, not just distance Healing involves learning how to respond to your thoughts and emotions, not escape them The “Name It. Allow It. Choose It.” tool can help you navigate overwhelming moments with more awareness and control Support and shared understanding are essential when moving through the post-separation stage If you’ve left the relationship but still feel stuck, confused, or emotionally overwhelmed… you don’t have to work through this on your own. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    12 min

  8. Apr 15

    186. When They Move On… And You’re Still Processing - Pt 3 of 4

    What does it mean when your partner moves on… but you’re still trying to process the betrayal? After infidelity, healing doesn’t follow a shared timeline. While one person may appear to move forward quickly, entering a new relationship or embracing a new chapter, the other can feel left behind, still working through the emotional impact of what happened. In this episode of After the Affair, we explore the deeply challenging experience of seeing your partner move on while you’re still processing betrayal trauma. You’ll learn why this can feel so triggering, how comparison and self-doubt can take hold, and why your pace of healing is not a reflection of weakness, but a sign of deeper emotional work. This episode will help you: Understand why it hurts when your ex moves on after infidelity Navigate feelings of comparison, rejection, and being “left behind” Break free from the belief that their behaviour reflects your worth Recognise the difference between moving on and actually healing Find grounded ways to refocus on your own recovery and emotional stability If you’re struggling with thoughts like “Why are they okay and I’m not?” or “Did I ever really matter?”, this episode will help you reframe what’s happening and support you in moving forward at your own pace. Key Takeaways Healing after betrayal happens at different speeds—and faster doesn’t mean better Seeing your partner move on can trigger comparison, self-doubt, and painful assumptions Thoughts like “I’ve been replaced” are interpretations, not facts Moving on quickly can sometimes be a form of avoidance, not resolution Feeling like you’re “behind” is often a sign that you’re doing deeper emotional work Support and shared understanding are key to navigating this stage without isolation If you’re struggling with comparison, self-doubt, or the loneliness that comes when your partner moves on before you’re ready, you don’t have to face it alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    10 min
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Trailer

4.8
out of 5
32 Ratings

About

The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Information

  • Creator
    Luke Shillings
  • Years Active
    2022 - 2026
  • Episodes
    195
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2026 All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    After the Affair

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