I was a guest on Lindsey Lockett’s podcast called Holistic Trauma Healing with Lindsey Lockett and this podcast was just too juicy to not also publish it on my podcast, the anxiety recovery podcast! What if anxious attachment isn’t something you heal by becoming hyper-independent, perfectly regulated, or never needing anyone again? In this episode, I joined Lindsay Lockett on the Holistic Trauma Healing Podcast for such a raw, nuanced conversation on anxious attachment, rupture, repair, overfunctioning, emotional unavailability, and why relational wounds have to be healed in relationship. We talked about how anxious attachment is often created through inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregiving — and how that doesn’t always look like obvious neglect. Sometimes emotional unavailability looks like a parent being overwhelmed, struggling with their own mental or physical health, working constantly, caring for another child with higher needs, or simply not having the capacity to attune to you the way you needed. And when that happens, your nervous system learns to survive through hypervigilance, people-pleasing, overfunctioning, reassurance seeking, suppressing your needs, and trying to control the relationship so you don’t have to feel the terror of abandonment. We also got into why healthy love can feel boring after toxic or emotionally unavailable relationships, why attraction is often driven by familiarity and neuroception, and why your body may feel pulled toward dynamics that aren’t actually safe — simply because they feel familiar. Lindsay and I also talked about the connection between anxious attachment and overfunctioning: why doing the most can feel like safety, why resentment builds when needs go unspoken, why anxiously attached people often repress anger, and how anger can actually become a doorway into boundaries, honesty, and repair when we learn how to express it in a healthier way. One of the biggest themes of this episode is that social media often gets relationships wrong. We’re constantly told to “just leave,” “detach,” “never need anyone,” or heal alone before we let ourselves be loved. But attachment wounds happened relationally — so they also have to be healed relationally. That doesn’t mean staying in unsafe or abusive dynamics. It means learning the skills of secure relating: communicating needs, building capacity, allowing rupture and repair, taking accountability, and understanding that being triggered doesn’t mean you’re broken or failing. We also talked about earned secure attachment — and how secure relationships aren’t built because there is never conflict, anger, misunderstanding, or activation. They’re built through what happens after the rupture. Can we come back? Can we repair? Can we build safety over time? This episode is for you if you’ve ever felt too much, too anxious, too needy, too sensitive, or like you have to heal every single wound before you’re worthy of love. You don’t. You are worthy of relationship and belonging right now. And healing anxious attachment isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about building the nervous system capacity, communication skills, and relational safety to stay connected to yourself and the people who matter even when it feels scary. Connect with Lindsey on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/iamlindseylockett/ Connect with Valerie on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/healwithval/
