Imagine spending decades believing alcohol helps you relax, connect, feel normal, and even be more creative. Then, one day, your partner says, "I'm going to stop drinking." And you reply, "I'll join you." Just like that. That's what happened to Lance Burdett. Lance had his first beer at just 10 years old. By his teenage years, alcohol had become a way to quieten his relentlessly busy brain, feel less different, and connect with others. It worked. Until it didn't. Over the years, what started as a friend became, in Lance's words, a foe. In this episode of Little Addicts, I talk with Lance about his relationship with alcohol, why he eventually stopped drinking, and what happened next. Lance is no stranger to understanding human behaviour. A former New Zealand police officer and the country's lead crisis negotiator, he's FBI-trained, a TEDx speaker, bestselling author, and expert in communication, resilience, and emotional regulation. But it wasn't his impressive CV that brought us together. It was a LinkedIn post. I'd never met Lance, but his honest reflections on alcohol stopped me scrolling. I messaged him immediately and asked if he'd come on the podcast. He said yes without hesitation. And I'm so glad he did. In this episode, we explore: Alcohol as a coping strategy: How drinking helped Lance feel normal, connected and less alone, particularly with a brain that never seemed to switch off. When a friend becomes a foe: How alcohol gradually affected his health, behaviour, and relationships. The airport moment: Why one sentence from his wife gave Lance the permission he needed to stop drinking. Why stopping was surprisingly easy: The importance of timing, readiness, and having someone alongside you — while recognising that stopping alcohol is far more difficult for many people. What changed afterwards: Greater clarity, more meaningful connection, better conversations, and a different relationship with stress. Habits versus addiction: Why Lance still enjoys the ritual of an alcohol-free beer, and what that tells us about the habits surrounding drinking. The stories we tell ourselves: Including Lance's belief that alcohol made him more creative. Trauma, belonging and safety: Why understanding what someone is trying to escape or find, matters more than judging their behaviour. What it takes to change: How recognising that something is no longer serving us can open the door to a different way of living. We also talk about his experience giving up smoking (which took much longer than alcohol), and the difference between understanding a behaviour and actually changing it. The big takeaway One of the things I love about Lance's story is that he didn't stop drinking because someone lectured him, shamed him or handed him a list of reasons why alcohol was bad. He was ready. The timing was right. And someone he loved was ready too. But Lance is very clear that his experience isn't everyone's experience. For people living with alcohol dependence, stopping can be extraordinarily difficult and will often require professional support. People who are physically dependent on alcohol should seek medical advice before stopping abruptly. His story reminds us that change isn't always about fighting harder against an unwanted behaviour. Sometimes it's about recognising what that behaviour has been giving us, acknowledging what it's now costing us, and discovering we might not need it anymore. And perhaps my favourite part of this conversation is Lance's advice about being human: "You be you." Simple. And not always easy. About Lance Burdett Lance Burdett spent 22 years in the New Zealand Police, including serving as the country's lead crisis negotiator. Today, through WARN International, he shares his expertise in wellness, awareness, resilience, negotiation, and communication. You can find Lance, his books and free resources at WARN International. About Little Addicts Little Addicts explores why smart, capable people keep doing things they know aren't good for them — and what it actually takes to change. My book, Little Addicts: Why We Do What We Do, explores the science and stories behind our everyday habits, from alcohol and scrolling to people-pleasing and perfectionism. Find out more about the book here. Remember, you can't change what you don't notice. And noticing is where it all begins.
