Joy Recovery Radio

Joy Recovery
  • 4.9 (35)
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Welcome, this is Jacqueline and Roy (AKA ”Team Joy), your hosts for Joy Recovery Radio, where we offer hope, healing, and practical tools for couples navigating the difficult journey of recovery from sex addiction and betrayal trauma. We have been in your shoes, and it’s our mission to share our expertise, personal experiences and the latest research in every episode. We can testify that healing and recovery are possible. To find additional resources, coaching, and live webinars, please visit our website joy-recovery.com

  1. 3d ago

    S2 E34 | Stop Trying to Get Your Wife Back

    Most men in recovery are working hard. The problem is what the work is aimed at. This episode takes apart a pattern that shows up in almost every man's recovery after discovery day: the private contract. It's the deal a man writes in his own head without realizing he's writing it. If I go to therapy, if I do a disclosure, if I hand over the passwords, if I learn empathy, then she should trust me, she should calm down, she should stop asking the same questions, she should notice how far I've come. She never signed that contract. She was never shown it. But he tries to collect on it anyway, and the day she doesn't pay is the day resentment starts growing. Before discovery, a man controlled the relationship through deception. After discovery, he can go right on controlling it through recovery. The goal never changed. He just found a more respectable way to pursue it. Inside the episode: The private contract, and the shoulds written on the other side of it Signs your recovery has quietly become a transaction The structural test used in the Integrity Circle: would you still do this work if it earned you nothing? Intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation, and why one of them holds up when conditions get hard Five specific scenarios where an outcome-driven recovery collapses Why integrity is not a rate sheet you submit to your wife The grief work most men avoid by staying busy trying to fix things A word to men of faith about obedience that is not leverage This is not a message to stop loving your wife or to stop hoping for your marriage. It's a message to stop using your recovery as leverage. TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Welcome to Joy Recovery Radio 00:57 Stop trying to get your wife back, and what that does not mean 01:38 Everything on the line, and why fear gets you moving 03:21 The private contract she never signed 06:12 Where is my ROI? Signs your recovery has become a transaction 07:24 The Integrity Circle 08:07 You controlled her with deception. Now you control her with recovery. 10:03 The structural test: would you still do this if it earned you nothing? 12:13 Intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation 13:30 Five ways an outcome-driven recovery collapses 15:17 Integrity is not a rate sheet 16:38 Repair is a behavior. Reconciliation is an outcome. 18:11 The grief underneath the need to control 20:26 The question to answer out loud 21:43 For men of faith: faithfulness without a guarantee 22:47 What the Integrity Circle is, and what it is not 23:21 Fight for what is actually yours to fight for RESOURCES Recovery motivation inventory referenced in this episode:  https://www.joy-recovery.com/structural-test The Integrity Circle, a group for men who are done performing their recovery: https://joy-recovery.com Joy Recovery Academy: https://joy-recovery.com ABOUT THE SHOW Joy Recovery Radio is an educational podcast about betrayal trauma, deceptive sexuality, and the integrity work required when a relationship has been harmed by hidden sexual behavior. Listen slowly, take what resonates, and leave the rest. This content is educational and is not therapy, counseling, or a substitute for professional care. If you are in crisis, please contact a licensed professional.

  2. Sep 13

    S2 E33 | The Three Jobs of Real Recovery

    Most men walk into recovery overwhelmed. Sponsor, therapist, workbooks, disclosure, inner child, attachment styles, triggers, 12 steps, couples check-ins. All of it can help, and none of it is a map. Roy brings recovery down to its DNA: three jobs. Tell the truth. Face the harm. Live one life. Sobriety is the floor. It's the entry ticket, not the work. What comes after it is integrity, impact, and integration, and you'll be growing in those three lanes for the rest of your life. Simple, but not easy. In this episode: - What integrity includes beyond "I stopped lying" - Why your partner is not your accountability partner - Why she decides what she can handle, and you don't filter for her - Why the only metric for truth-telling is accuracy, never her reaction - The 22 traumatic injuries across three phases, and the exercise that shows you the cost - How you respond to her pain today, and why patience means her timeline - Why an integrated life is supposed to be boring - Why all three jobs are simultaneous and last a lifetime Chapters: 00:00 Drinking from a fire hydrant 01:35 Have we made recovery too complicated? 02:00 Sobriety is the entry ticket, not recovery 02:25 The three jobs 03:30 Job one: Tell the truth 05:10 Your partner is not your accountability partner 05:30 She decides what she can handle 06:50 Easy truths and hard truths 08:00 The only metric is accuracy 09:45 Truthful, sober, and still unsafe 10:05 Job two: Face the harm 11:30 The three-page exercise 13:30 Patience and her timeline 15:05 Job three: Live one life 16:55 A man worth moving toward 18:55 Are you becoming a safe man? Resources: Shared Reality Worksheet:  https://joy-recovery.com/shared-reality Join the Academy or the Integrity Circle at https://joy-recovery.com

  3. Sep 7

    S2 E32 | You Trained Her Not to Trust You

    Seven months into being honest, I started a sentence with my wife that I never finished. "I've been honest with you for seven months now." She heard the rest of it anyway, and so did I: so you should trust me by now. That was an invoice. Underneath it was an internal ledger, and underneath the ledger was entitlement that survived my sobriety and showed up in my recovery wearing a different voice. In this episode: what trust actually is, why one lie outweighs a hundred honest days, why her trust comes back and then collapses after a trigger, and the one thing that rebuilds it. I close with Joseph and his brothers, which I think is the longest account of trust repair in Scripture. FREE WORKSHEET: THE SHOULD AUDIT Find the entitled beliefs and the ledger still running underneath your recovery. https://www.joy-recovery.com/shoulds-audit   CHAPTERS 00:00 Welcome 00:40 The sentence I did not finish 02:00 The invoice and the internal ledger 02:45 Shoulds, should nots, and resentment 03:30 I trained her not to trust me 04:30 The football field and the three yard line 05:50 Tear up the invoice, and the Should Audit worksheet 06:40 Annette Baier: trust is accepted vulnerability 07:55 What you are actually asking her to hand you 09:00 About the Joy Recovery Academy 09:40 The three components: ability, care, integrity 10:50 Why integrity is the hardest one to repair 11:55 Paul Slovic and the trust asymmetry 13:30 Distrust reinforces itself 14:45 Proverbs 25:19: the broken tooth and the lame foot 15:40 Pavlov: your voice was the bell 16:50 The thin layer over the cloud of distrust 18:40 Behavior is your language now 20:00 Joseph, and the long test 21:30 Judah steps forward 22:40 Tear up the invoice RESEARCH AND SOURCES I move through a lot of research in this episode without stopping to cite it. Here is all of it. Trust as accepted vulnerability Baier, A. (1986). Trust and Antitrust. Ethics, 96(2), 231 to 260. https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/toc/et/1986/96/2 The three components of trustworthiness Mayer, R. C., Davis, J. H., & Schoorman, F. D. (1995). An Integrative Model of Organizational Trust. Academy of Management Review, 20(3), 709 to 734. I describe these as ability, care, and integrity. The original paper calls the second one benevolence. Why integrity violations are the hardest to repair Kim, P. H., Ferrin, D. L., Cooper, C. D., & Dirks, K. T. (2004). Removing the Shadow of Suspicion. Journal of Applied Psychology, 89(1), 104 to 118. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.89.1.104 Free copy: https://ink.library.smu.edu.sg/lkcsb_research/2368 The trust asymmetry principle Slovic, P. (1993). Perceived Risk, Trust, and Democracy. Risk Analysis, 13(6), 675 to 682. Free copy: https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/xmlui/handle/1794/22413 Classical conditioning Pavlov, I. P. (1927). Conditioned Reflexes. Oxford University Press. Why fear returns after a trigger Bouton, M. E. (2002). Context, Ambiguity, and Unlearning: Sources of Relapse After Behavioral Extinction. Biological Psychiatry, 52(10), 976 to 986. Free copy: https://www.appstate.edu/~steelekm/classes/psy5150/Documents/Bouton2002.pdf DARVO Freyd, J. J. (1997). Violations of Power, Adaptive Blindness, and Betrayal Trauma Theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7(1), 22 to 32. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353597071004 SCRIPTURE Proverbs 25:19. Wording varies by translation, so check yours. Genesis 37:26 to 28, Genesis 42 through 44, Genesis 44:33, Genesis 45:1 to 4. JOY RECOVERY ACADEMY Live teaching twice a week with Q and A, an on demand video library, and hundreds of the same tools we use with private coaching clients. https://joy-recovery.com/academy Joy Recovery Radio is an educational podcast about betrayal trauma, deceptive sexuality, and the integrity work required when a relationship has been harmed by hidden sexual behavior. This content is educational and is not therapy, coaching, or a substitute for professional care.

  4. Aug 31

    S2 E31 | Integrity Abuse: Why You Keep Harming Her and How to Stop

    For two years after D-Day, Jacqueline would bring me her grief, her anger, or a question she had already asked, and I would get defensive. My working theory was that if she would change her end of it, even by 10%, I could manage mine better. That theory asked the person I injured to tone down her trauma so I could be more comfortable. What got us out was one key I had never considered. In this episode I walk through the ABC method applied to betrayal trauma, and I read out more than 20 of the false beliefs I actually held about my wife, grouped by her anger, her repeated questions, her grief, her boundaries, her vigilance, and her support system. Then I show you how to dispute those beliefs and exchange them for beliefs that are true, healthy, evidence-based, and pro-relational. FREE WORKSHEET: The ABC Method, at https://www.joy-recovery.com/abcmethod A caution for the men: this tool applies to your interpretations of her trauma and is never used on her. Analyzing your partner's fear, anger, or triggers as false beliefs is pathologizing her, and that is an integrity abuse behavior. For partners listening: nothing here is an assignment for you. Take whatever is useful and leave the rest. IN THIS EPISODE 02:35 Her action, and my conduct 08:30 The key I had never considered 13:30 Shame is a false belief, and it distorts everything 15:00 Her intent and her injury are not the same thing 18:00 Beliefs drive behavior 23:00 The false beliefs, one group at a time 34:00 A caution for the men 35:00 How to run this on your own The terms integrity abuse and secret sexual basement come from Dr. Omar Minwalla's Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma model. The belief work is built on Albert Ellis's ABC model, extended for this teaching.  Joy Recovery Academy: live teaching and Q&A twice a week, plus an on-demand library. First 7 days free at https://joy-recovery.com Educational content, not therapy or clinical advice.

  5. Aug 24

    S2 E30 | When She Knows More About HIs Recovery That He Does

    She Knows More About His Recovery Than He Does A listener sent us this question: "When does a betrayed partner's expertise in recovery accidentally become scaffolding that prevents the betrayer from developing his own?" We spend the whole episode on it, starting with the one word in that question that would make everything else land wrong if we let it stand: accidentally. Roy and Jacqueline walk through the sequence that produced this pattern. He built the hidden life. He distorted her ability to see it. After D-Day, she became an expert because the one person who owed her the truth was withholding it. Her knowledge came second, and it came as a response to something he never built. The episode covers the four reasons men go passive in their own recovery, the Structural Test of whether a man's recovery would still be running thirty days after she stopped managing it, and why we recommend against the words "over-functioning" and "under-functioning" in a deceptive sexuality context even though the theory behind them is legitimate. Jacqueline speaks directly to partners about what that label erases, and about the common advice to step back and let him fall. Roy closes with a two-step assignment for the men that has silence built into it on purpose. IN THIS EPISODE 0:00 Welcome to Joy Recovery Radio 0:45 Why Jacqueline isn't on every episode 1:40 The listener question 2:45 The word that changes everything: "accidentally" 4:10 The sequence: the basement, the gaslighting, then D-Day 6:45 Roy corrects how he used to teach this 7:15 What the outsourcing pattern looks like in a marriage 9:15 About the Joy Recovery Academy 10:05 The two-column exercise 10:45 Reason one: deception weakens the exact capacities recovery requires 11:50 Reason two: compliance is comfortable and it photographs well 13:50 Reason three: entitlement adapts after discovery 15:30 Reason four: fear of taking the wheel 16:20 The Structural Test: what survives thirty days? 18:15 Why we don't use "over-functioning" and "under-functioning" 20:20 Bowen assumes a shared reality, and that assumption fails here 21:40 The model hands her an assignment as the condition of his change 22:35 The label converts too easily into a weapon 23:15 Jacqueline: what that word erases 24:15 Your expertise is a record of your survival 25:40 The weight of carrying his recovery 26:35 "Step back and let him fall," and why Jacqueline won't say that 28:15 When the tracking has gone on for years 29:05 A caution to the men: do not take this to her 30:45 The assignment: two steps, both observable 33:10 To the partner who submitted the question 34:00 Joy is possible, when you live in integrity   RESOURCES Joy Recovery Academy, our educational membership with live teaching twice a week and an on-demand library. Seven days free at https://joy-recovery.com/academy All pathways and resources at https://joy-recovery.com Have a question you'd like us to take up on the show? Submit it through the website. ABOUT THE SHOW Joy Recovery Radio is an educational podcast about betrayal trauma, deceptive sexuality, and the integrity work required when a relationship has been harmed by hidden sexual behavior. Hosted by Roy and Jacqueline. ATTRIBUTION AND DISCLAIMER The secret sexual basement and the model of deceptive sexuality referenced in this episode come from the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla. Joy Recovery is informed by that model and is not affiliated with Dr. Minwalla or his practice. Bowen family systems theory and the concept of differentiation of self are attributed to Murray Bowen, MD. This podcast is educational content. It is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for working with a qualified clinician. If you are in crisis, please contact a licensed professional or emergency services in your area. © 2026 Joy Recovery. All rights reserved.

  6. Aug 17

    S2 E29 | Right Sight: Overcoming Objectification

    Somewhere in the last hour, you sized someone up from a single look. Your mind took one piece of information and wrote a whole biography. In this solo episode, Roy makes the case that the machinery producing those instant biographies is the same machinery that built the secret basement many men are now trying to dismantle. Sexual objectification is one room in a much bigger house. If you only renovate that room, the rest of the house keeps producing the same habit of mind. This episode goes through the whole house: philosophy, psychology, theology, and a set of practical movements you can start running today. It closes with the hardest application of all, genuine repair toward the partner who was reduced most. A caution, and it is the same one Roy gives on air: everything here points at the man doing his own work. None of it is a lens for evaluating your wife or partner, and none of it gets quoted at her, assigned to her, or used to grade her. IN THIS EPISODE 0:00 Welcome 0:47 The biography your mind wrote in half a second 2:31 Why sexual objectification is only one room 4:11 A caution before we begin 4:45 The secret sexual basement 5:14 What the basement actually runs on 5:57 The second reduction: your partner 6:30 Gaslighting as objectification of her knowing 7:00 What the two reductions sound like from the inside 8:18 Why empathy stalls out in recovery 8:56 Joy Recovery Academy 9:49 Martha Nussbaum: four moves of objectification 11:28 Martin Buber: I-It and I-Thou 12:22 Stereotype, prejudice, discrimination, dehumanization 13:42 Observation is not interpretation 14:38 The categories you do not notice you are using 15:20 Imago Dei: worth that no circumstance can touch 16:15 How Jesus saw people 17:13 The practice 17:37 Movement one: catch it 18:31 Movement two: what do I actually know 19:12 Movement three: restore the person in your imagination 20:42 Movement four: examine utility carefully 21:15 The attention audit 22:03 Your assignment for the week 22:31 A worked example: the gas station clerk 24:45 When the practice turns into a project 25:16 A hard boundary on attraction 26:55 Repair toward the one you reduced most 28:00 What repair actually is 29:43 End the deception 30:19 Proactive transparency 30:40 Repair her relationship with her own mind 31:06 Receive her anger without self-defense 32:00 Honor her sovereignty 32:19 Consistency without invoices 32:36 The measure of genuine repair 33:39 Close IDEAS AND FRAMEWORKS REFERENCED Martha Nussbaum on instrumentality, fungibility, denial of autonomy, and denial of subjectivity. Martin Buber on I-It and I-Thou. Research distinctions between stereotype, prejudice, discrimination, dehumanization, and objectification. Stereotype replacement, individuation, and perspective-taking. Genesis on the image of God, and the way Jesus saw Zacchaeus and the bleeding woman. Our work is informed by Dr. Omar Minwalla's model of deceptive sexuality and trauma. We are not affiliated with Dr. Minwalla or his practice. GO DEEPER The Joy Recovery Academy is our educational membership for both the betrayer and the betrayed: live teaching with Q&A twice a week, an on-demand video library, and hundreds of the same tools we use with private clients. Start with a 7-day free trial at https://joy-recovery.com ABOUT JOY RECOVERY Joy Recovery is an educational resource for men in recovery from deceptive sexual behavior and for betrayed partners. Roy leads the men's pathway. Jacqueline leads the partners' pathway. A NOTE ON SCOPE This content is educational and is not therapy, clinical treatment, or a substitute for professional care. We do not conduct formal disclosures or couples work; those are referred to qualified clinicians. If this material touched trauma, or if you are in crisis, please bring it to a licensed therapist. Joy is possible when you live in integrity.

  7. Aug 10

    S2 E28 | Listening Without Self-Referencing: The Hardest Skill in Recovery

    He can be silent, nod, even say all the right words, and still not be listening. In this episode, Roy defines the skill that often determines whether a relationship has any chance of becoming safe again: listening without self-reference. For the men, this is a behavioral capacity, observable and binary. After working with hundreds of men, Roy has not yet met one who had this skill out of the gate after disclosure or discovery. He explains why: years of deception organize the nervous system around image management, and that hidden operating system runs every hard conversation through damage control. Roy covers the four most common self-referencing patterns (the Fairness Check, the Intent Defense, the Shame Collapse, and the Progress Pivot) and the four practices that dismantle the machine over time. For the betrayed partners, Jacqueline is clear that this is not your work to fix. She walks through listening to understand versus listening to defend, lived examples of what self-referencing looks and feels like from the receiving side, five observable signs of genuine impact capacity, and the WCE lens: willingness, capacity, and engagement. Your perception has been accurate. This episode helps you trust it. Timestamps: 00:00 Welcome to Joy Recovery Radio 00:30 Why listening is one of the hardest skills for men in recovery 02:15 A behavioral capacity: observable, demonstrated, binary 04:00 What this teaching is (and is not) for betrayed partners 06:30 The definition: listening without self-reference 07:15 Three things it is not: silence, validation, or empathy 10:40 About the Joy Recovery Academy 11:30 The hidden operating system and the basement machine 14:45 Lived examples from the receiving side 17:55 Self-trust: acting on what you perceive 19:45 Pattern 1: The Fairness Check 21:30 Pattern 2: The Intent Defense 23:50 Pattern 3: The Shame Collapse 26:45 Pattern 4: The Progress Pivot 28:20 A check-in for the men 29:20 Five signs of genuine impact capacity, plus WCE 31:40 The work: how to dismantle the machine 32:20 Practice 1: Identify the self-references after each conversation 33:40 Practice 2: Remove what protects you 34:50 Practice 3: Build tolerance for not being understood 36:50 Practice 4: Practice in every conversation, not just with her 37:50 Why catching yourself failing is good data 38:30 Three takeaways for partners: validation, discernment, and pacing 40:30 A closing word for the men Go deeper with the Joy Recovery Academy: live teaching with Q&A twice a week, an on-demand video library, and hundreds of the tools we use with private coaching clients. Your first 7 days are free at https://joy-recovery.com

  8. Aug 3

    S2 E27 | Your Wife is Grieving Someone Who Never Existed: Here's Your Job

    Hurricane Katrina came ashore more than twenty years ago. Some neighborhoods came back stronger than before. Others still sit under blue tarps. That is the most honest map we know of a betrayed partner's inner world. This episode is about the parts of the harm that do not get repaired, no matter how much a man changes. We talk about why fixing feels safer than feeling, the losses that discovery leaves permanent, and what integrity actually asks of the man who caused the harm: to witness her grief instead of managing it. A note for partners before you begin. This is a heavy one. You have full permission to pause and come back another day, or to skip it entirely. Nothing here is required of you, and your healing does not depend on listening to us talk about grief. Want to go deeper? The Joy Recovery Academy includes live teaching with Q&A twice a week, an on-demand video library, and hundreds of the tools we use with private coaching clients. The first 7 days are free. Learn more at https://joy-recovery.com Joy Recovery is an educational space for men who caused harm through deceptive sexuality and for the partners who carry betrayal trauma. Roy leads the men's pathway. Jacqueline leads the partners' pathway. 0:00 Welcome 0:40 Hurricane Katrina: a map of her inner world 3:00 The difference between healing and restoration 4:40 The repair reflex: why we fix instead of feel 6:20 First loss: her pre-existing reality 7:30 Second loss: the contaminated years 8:15 The marble container 9:45 Why her marbles went dark 11:15 Adding new marbles, and the conditions 12:45 Joy Recovery Academy 13:30 Third loss: the story of her own life 14:45 Secondary losses and disenfranchised grief 15:40 For partners: your grief is proportionate 17:50 The work of witness 18:40 The word "but" is an exit 20:00 Never point this teaching at her 20:50 Stay: what integrity requires

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About

Welcome, this is Jacqueline and Roy (AKA ”Team Joy), your hosts for Joy Recovery Radio, where we offer hope, healing, and practical tools for couples navigating the difficult journey of recovery from sex addiction and betrayal trauma. We have been in your shoes, and it’s our mission to share our expertise, personal experiences and the latest research in every episode. We can testify that healing and recovery are possible. To find additional resources, coaching, and live webinars, please visit our website joy-recovery.com

Information

  • Creator
    Joy Recovery
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    82
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2025 All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    Joy Recovery Radio

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