What happens when the skills that have helped you succeed at work don’t help you when your marriage is falling apart? In Episode 43 of Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything, I’m joined by fellow accredited divorce coach Photis Kassianides, founder of Emotional Equity Coaching. Photis spent 25 years working in investment banking, much of it on trading floors, before becoming a coach. He understands the culture of high performance from the inside: long hours, intense pressure, financial reward, responsibility and the expectation that, whatever is happening elsewhere in your life, you continue to perform. During the breakdown of his own marriage, Photis decided he needed to tell his boss what was happening. He knew he might need time away from the desk and wanted to be open about why. His direct boss was sympathetic, if a little awkward. Then Photis was called into the glass corner office of a more senior boss. The response was stark: “You’ve dropped the ball at home, make sure you don’t drop it at work.” And that was the end of the conversation. What I find particularly powerful is what Photis says next. He describes this moment as, in some ways, part of his origin story as a divorce coach: “At the time, actually, I just took it as was. I was like, ‘Yeah, that’s fair enough.’ It took a while for that to sink in and for me to think, ‘That can’t be right, can it? That can’t be the end of that sort of conversation.’” That experience raises a much bigger question. What happens when someone who has spent years learning to perform, provide, compete and cope suddenly faces a situation they cannot simply work harder to solve? And what happens when the culture around them has taught them that vulnerability is something to contain rather than communicate? Photis and I explore what it means to be a provider, particularly for men working in demanding professional environments. If you are working long hours to give your family financial security, a good home, holidays and opportunities, it can feel entirely reasonable to believe that you are doing your part. Meanwhile, your partner may be experiencing the relationship very differently. They may be carrying school runs, bedtimes, appointments, meals, children’s emotions and the thousand almost invisible jobs involved in keeping family life moving. They may not experience your long hours as providing. They may experience them as absence. Neither experience automatically cancels out the other. And this is often where resentment begins. We talk about the conversations couples frequently don’t have until they are already in trouble: appreciation, workload, parenting, emotional presence, vulnerability and what each person believes they are contributing to the family. We also talk about the apparently ridiculous arguments that aren’t ridiculous at all. The argument about spaghetti rather than penne. The suitcase left in the hallway after a business trip. The parent who walks through the door wanting to enjoy the children while the other parent desperately needs somebody else to take over. Small moments can carry the accumulated weight of feeling unseen. We explore fathers who don’t want to become the “bad cop” because they already feel they don’t see their children enough, different parenting styles, and what happens when two people have genuinely different versions of what is fair. And we come back to one of the central ideas behind Dare to Speak: Listening does not mean agreeing. Not listening to another person is not a boundary. We can hear what somebody has to say, understand their experience and still disagree. Whether you are trying to save a relationship, navigating separation or already going through divorce, learning the difference between reacting, responding and trying to control somebody else’s response can change the conversation. In this episode, we explore: • High-performance careers and the hidden cost to relationships • Men, vulnerability and asking for help • Divorce and separation in the workplace • What it means to be a provider • Financial provision versus emotional presence • The invisible workload of family life • How resentment develops between partners • Why tiny arguments can represent much bigger problems • Fathers, parenting and the fear of becoming the “bad cop” • Different parenting styles and managing difference • Responding rather than reacting • What you can and cannot control during conflict • Why listening is not the same as agreeing • The difference between a boundary and closing down communication About Photis Kassianides Photis Kassianides is an accredited divorce coach and founder of Emotional Equity Coaching. Before becoming a coach, he spent 25 years working in investment banking. His professional background, combined with his own experience of divorce, gives him a particular insight into the pressures faced by high-achieving men navigating relationship breakdown, fatherhood, work and major life change. Find Photis at Emotional Equity Coaching: https://www.emotionalequity.co/ Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode resonated with you, find out more about working with Eve or book a free 20-minute confidential chat to talk about what is happening, what support you need and whether working together feels right. Website: www.evestanway.co.uk Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk Join the Dare to Speak Community for thoughtful, non-judgemental support away from social media. Access Eve’s courses, expert interviews, monthly webinars and live Power Hour Q&As: https://join.evestanway.co.uk/ Connect: Instagram, YouTube & TikTok: @evestanway Facebook, LinkedIn & Substack: Eve Stanway Eve Stanway is a Difficult Conversations Expert, psychotherapist, coach, author and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. Books: Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity — www.evestanway.co.uk Out now: Dare to Listen: Navigating Life’s Difficult Conversations with Young Adults Aged 16 to 28 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dare-Listen-Navigating-Difficult-Conversations-ebook/dp/1918123373/
