The RISE to Intimacy Podcast

Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Sexuality
  • Updated Weekly

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

  1. 2d ago

    When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

    Past relationship trauma can quietly shape the relationship you're in now, even when your current partner has done nothing to cause it. Your ex cheated on you, so you check your partner's phone. Or a former partner emotionally disappeared when things got serious, so now you find yourself bracing for the same thing to happen again. This is one way betrayal trauma can follow you into a new relationship. Your brain may understand that your current partner is different, while your nervous system is still reacting to patterns it learned in the past. That can leave you questioning whether what you're feeling is a warning about this relationship or a response to something that already happened. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how past relationship trauma can show up through hypervigilance, comparison, testing, avoidance, and reactions around touch and sex. I also share how to separate old pattern matching from what is actually happening now, build new evidence of safety, and decide when and how to talk to a new partner about your past. 2:13 – The difference between an ordinary heartbreak and betrayal trauma 5:13 – Why betrayal trauma responses happen in the first place 6:24 – Four ways betrayal trauma can show up in your current relationship, even when your partner hasn't done anything wrong 10:38 – An example of trauma I often see as a sex therapist, and how a small change helped one client rebuild trust in their partner 14:33 – How to tell whether or not you’re truly dealing with a trauma response 15:17 – How I help current couples work through reactions to past relationship trauma 18:22 – When and how to tell a new partner about a past traumatic relationship Mentioned In When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

  2. Sep 1

    The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

    You’re trying to be clear about what you need in your relationship, so you draw a line and tell yourself you’re setting a boundary. But when your partner responds with defensiveness instead of change, it may be worth asking whether what you communicated was actually a boundary or an ultimatum. A boundary stays focused on your own limits and what you’re willing to do. An ultimatum shifts the focus toward controlling your partner’s behavior or forcing a specific outcome. The concern underneath both can be completely reasonable, but the way you communicate it can determine whether the conversation opens up or shuts down. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum and show you how the same need can be communicated in very different ways. I also explain how anxious attachment and protest behaviors can push us toward ultimatums, share six questions to help you check yourself before a hard conversation, and talk about when a firm, non-negotiable boundary is actually appropriate. 1:56 – What separates a genuine ask, a healthy boundary, and a full-blown ultimatum 3:31 – An example of a boundary vs. an ultimatum around a partner's work stress 4:39 – How anxious attachment and protest behaviors escalate into ultimatums 5:33 – Six questions that reveal whether you're setting a boundary or issuing an ultimatum 8:46 – Situations where holding a non-negotiable boundary is completely appropriate 11:25 – What to do if you catch yourself about to issue an unnecessary ultimatum  12:14 – What to say if you're the one on the receiving end of an ultimatum Mentioned In The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships How Anxious Attachment Shows Up In Your Sex Life Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

  3. Aug 25

    How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life

    If you’re checking how long it's been since you last had sex or bringing up an ex just to see how your partner reacts, you've probably told yourself it's harmless. But what if the behaviors you’re using to feel safer in your relationship are actually creating more distance between you and your partner? Anxious attachment doesn’t always look like obvious clinginess or pursuit. Sometimes it shows up through testing, monitoring, or keeping score, especially when your nervous system is looking for proof that you’re still wanted and the relationship is okay. These protest behaviors are attempts to restore closeness, but over time they can start eroding the connection you’re trying to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why these protest behaviors develop, what they can look like in your sex life, and why they so often create more distance instead of reassurance. I also share three ways to start changing these patterns, so you can ask more directly for what you need instead of waiting to see if your partner passes the test. 1:49 – Why protest behaviors show up, the forms they take, and the neurological paradox they create 4:10 – Tip #1: Notice what’s happening in your body moments before the protest behavior takes over 6:05 – Tip #2: Ask directly for what you want instead of putting your partner through a test to find out  7:27 – Tip #3: Get curious about the real question your jealousy is hiding behind 10:10 – How to respond if you’re on the receiving end of a partner's protest patterns Mentioned In How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life Why Unmet Attachment Needs Sabotage Your Sex Life How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life

  4. Aug 18

    Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate

    Couples can spend months or even years working on communication, conflict, and trust without ever talking about what is happening in their sex life. Once sexual concerns come up, their couples therapist may refer them to a sex therapist, almost as if sex is a separate problem that needs to be handed off to someone else. Part of the reason is that many couples therapists were never formally trained to talk about sex. That can leave couples doing important work on their emotional connection while their physical connection remains completely outside the conversation, even though the two are often affecting each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why sex therapy and couples therapy are often treated as two separate specialties and why I do not think that reflects how relationships actually work. I also clear up some common myths about what each type of therapy looks like in a session and why couples should not have to choose between addressing their emotional connection and their sex life. 1:59 – How traditional couples therapy differs from sex therapy 3:07 – The training gap most couples therapists face, and the road to sex therapy qualification that I had to travel 4:54 – Why these therapies shouldn’t be considered completely separate from each other 7:42 – Debunking four common myths about sex therapy and couples therapy 9:14 – The one thing you should take away from this episode Mentioned In Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate

  5. Aug 11

    How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

    A calm, steady relationship can start to feel like something is missing, even when nothing seems wrong. If you have a trauma history, quiet may be harder to trust than chaos ever was. What feels like boredom or incompatibility may be your nervous system mistaking calm for the absence of love or desire. Trauma can also show up when you pull away as soon as a relationship starts to feel good, use sex or being desired as proof of your worth, or feel drawn to dynamics that do not always make sense to you. These patterns can feel isolating or shameful, especially when you do not understand why they are happening. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through four specific ways trauma can affect your romantic relationships. I explain what may be happening underneath each pattern and share what can help you begin changing it without treating it like a lifelong sentence. 2:24 – A calm, safe relationship can feel boring after trauma 5:05 – Three ways to stop chasing intensity outside a healthy relationship 7:09 – Core beliefs, self-sabotage, and how trauma affects your romantic relationships 9:44 – When sex or being desired becomes proof of your worth 12:38 – The difference between consensual kink and a trauma response that needs attention 15:42 – Four signs an empowering sexual pattern may have become compulsive Mentioned In How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships How PTSD Affects Romantic Relationships and What Actually Helps Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It Sign up for "The Quickie" or Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

  6. Aug 4

    When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse

    Scheduling sex can sound like a practical solution when life is full and intimacy keeps getting pushed aside. It can also leave you feeling like sex has become another obligation on the calendar, especially when the pressure starts building long before the scheduled time arrives. The difference often comes down to what that time is expected to guarantee. When scheduling protects space for connection and leaves room for desire to develop, it can take pressure off. When it starts to feel like a commitment to arousal, intercourse, or orgasm, your nervous system may experience the schedule as a demand instead of an invitation. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain when scheduling sex can help and why it sometimes makes things worse. I also share how to create intentional time for connection without making a specific sexual outcome the requirement. 2:12 – Why the idea that desire must be spontaneous might be quietly setting your relationship up to fail 4:37 – Responsive desire and the real goal of scheduling sex 5:47 – The impact of scheduling sex on highly anxious or neurodivergent people 6:34 – What most sex-positive content leaves out of the discussion 7:26 – The hidden buildup that can start days before the encounter and ruin the moment 9:24 – How a trauma history changes the feel of a scheduled block, and the reframe that makes it safer 10:54 – A four-part framework for trying scheduled intimacy without turning it into a test or obligation Mentioned In When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse Esther Perel Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse

  7. Jul 28

    How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy

    Couples wait an average of six years after problems start before ever getting help. If you’ve been sitting on the question, “Will you go to couples therapy with me?” you probably understand how that happens. You know something needs to shift, but you’re worried your partner will hear the request as, “Our relationship is failing,” or “You’re the problem.” Even if you never say those words, that energy can show up in your tone and body language. Research on conflict conversations has found that the first three minutes predict, with striking accuracy, how the whole conversation will go. So the words you choose, along with your tone and timing, can make the difference between an invitation your partner is open to and a conversation that turns defensive before it even starts. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I give you the exact language to use when asking your partner to go to couples therapy. I explain how to use a podcast episode as a lower-pressure starting point, respond to the fear underneath their objections, and pause the conversation if it starts going sideways. I also share why asking your partner to try one session can feel much easier than asking them to commit to therapy without knowing what that commitment will look like. 1:37 – Why the first three minutes of this conversation matter more than almost anything you say after 2:45 – How to choose your approach based on the pattern in your relationship 5:01 – How to broach the subject with your partner in a gentle, non-accusatory way 6:49 – Why your partner might push back, and what to do if the conversation starts moving towards conflict 8:32 – How to introduce couples therapy like an addition to the relationship instead of a verdict on it 10:27 – Why your relationship isn’t doomed if your partner still says no 11:34 – Bringing everything together so you can start applying it today Mentioned In How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy

  8. Jul 21

    How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem

    Your desire for sex doesn’t match your partner’s, and now you’re wondering what that difference says about your relationship. Is this a normal part of being together long term, or a sign that something has started to go wrong? Mismatched sex drives are incredibly common, but that doesn’t mean every desire gap should be ignored. Sometimes the difference comes down to spontaneous and responsive desire. Other times, resentment, pressure, and emotional disconnection have started changing the relationship far beyond what happens in the bedroom. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell when mismatched sex drives are a normal part of a long-term relationship and when the gap has started causing real damage. I also share the signs that tell me a couple may need support and what we actually work on in sex therapy. 2:13 – Why mismatched sex drives do not mean you’re incompatible 3:09 – How spontaneous and responsive desire create a cycle of rejection and pressure 6:14 – Five signs mismatched sex drives may need outside support 10:40 – Why initiating sex more often can make the problem worse 11:19 – Two responses to sexual rejection that damage the relationship 12:25 – What couples work on first in sex therapy 15:34 – What a fulfilling sex life can look like after sex therapy 17:08 – How to tell if mismatched sex drives are normal or a real problem Mentioned In How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem
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5
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

Information

  • Creator
    Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    35
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026 The RISE to Intimacy Podcast
  • Show Website
    The RISE to Intimacy Podcast

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