Carolyn's children were twelve, six and four when she separated. They're teenagers and young adults now, and their verdict on divorced parents is two Christmases, more holidays, and the nuisance of footy boots left at the wrong house. The worry sits with the mothers. Stephanie Pinto is an emotional intelligence coach and paediatric anxiety therapist, and here she and Carolyn get practical: how to become the parent your children come to rather than the one they manage, the questions that open a child up when "how are you feeling" shuts them down, and what it means that the household culture is now yours to build. Plus the question Carolyn hears from women more than any other, about the house she doesn't control. Key takeaways Work on your own emotional intelligence before your children's. That doesn't mean staying calm – as Stephanie puts it, a permanently zen parent is a robot, not a human.Check-ins land best sideways. At tuck-in, or in the car on the way to sport. Sometimes nothing comes of it. Sometimes you get gold."Do you want solutions, or do you just want me to listen?" It's the question that makes you the parent your children come to when something goes wrong, rather than the one they manage around.Children will often discuss a friend's behaviour long before they'll discuss their own. Carolyn calls it the side door.Every family already has a culture, chosen or not. After separation you get to build yours on purpose – and it holds whether there's one adult in the house or two.Dr Ross Greene's principle that kids do well if they can. When something isn't working there's a reason, and the fix has to work for everyone under the roof.Rupture and repair is normal, expected and healthy. You can come back hours or days later and repair it. There is almost no cutoff.Links From Women's Divorce Academy What to say to your kids right now – a free guide covering under-fives, five to twelves and teenagers, including what to say when a child asks whose fault it is, how to be honest with a teenager without handing them adult detail, language for the handover and the day a child refuses to go, and what to do when the conversation goes badly. womensdivorceacademy.com/free-what-to-say-to-your-kidsThe values exercise Carolyn mentions is the first thing new members do inside the WDA membership. Join here: https://www.womensdivorceacademy.com/our-programThe Separated Mother's Toolkit – family lawyer interviews on parenting plans and binding agreements, a child support fact sheet, a Centrelink guide, a parenting schedule tracker and co-parenting scripts. A$49. stellarcontent.thrivecart.com/separated-mothers-toolkit/Stephanie Pinto Website: stephaniepinto.comHer book, From Chaos to Connection: How parenting with emotional intelligence raises kind, confident, resilient kidsHer podcast, Emotionally Intelligent ParentingHer Facebook group, Let's Raise Emotionally Intelligent KidsInstagram: @emotionally.intelligent.parentMentioned in this episode The feelings wheel – Dr Gloria Willcox's original, the one that breaks a broad state like "angry" into six more specific ones. Free printable PDF: https://judishouse.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Feeling-Wheel-Handouts.pdfDr Ross Greene – "kids do well if they can", and the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions approach: livesinthebalance.org Send Carolyn a text READY FOR MORE SUPPORT? Women's Divorce Academy offers expert divorce support and a friendly community of women who understand exactly what you're going through. Learn more about our membership and divorce support: womensdivorceacademy.com CONNECT WITH US: Instagram: @womensdivorceacademy Facebook: Women's Divorce Academy SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW: If this episode helped you, subscribe to Divorce With Carolyn and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts - it helps other women find the show. Thank you!
