The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit

Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN
  • 5.0 (4)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Biweekly

The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit explores trauma, nervous systems, and the patterns we carry into our relationships. Join Tressa L. Bell—registered nurse, former forensic nurse examiner, author, and survivor—for honest conversations about generational trauma, intimate partner violence, parenting, and relationship safety. Through personal stories and clinical insight, we explore why familiar doesn’t always mean safe and how we can interrupt what we pass on. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it. New episodes every other Tuesday.

  1. 4d ago

    Daddy Issues and Mommy Issues: How Childhood Relationships Affect Adult Love

    “Daddy issues.” “Mommy issues.” People use those phrases as if they explain someone. They rarely picture the child standing at the door, waiting for a parent to say, “I love you,” back. In this solo episode of The Fan in the Window: InterruptingWhat We Inherit, Tressa Bell explores how childhood relationships can shape adult love, conflict, approval-seeking, and the way we respond to someone else’s disappointment. Drawing from her experiences with her biological and adoptive fathers, Tressa talks about loving a parent who also hurt you, why finding an absent parent doesn’t automatically create a sense of belonging, and how fear of spanking taught her to hide things rather than feel safe telling the truth. She also shares experiences her daughters have given herpermission to discuss—and considers what accountability asks of us when our own children tell us something we don’t want to hear. The conversation includes research on physical punishment,parental warmth, and recovery after relationship conflict, along with a practical example of the Interruption Model™: Notice, Name, Regulate, Interrupt, Repair, Repeat. In this episode: A painful childhood does not make you responsible for someone else’s abuse. And understanding your history doesn’t remove your responsibility for how you treat others now. A question to sit with When someone important to me seems disappointed or distant, what do I feel I have to do to keep the relationship okay? Free Audible codes The Fan in the Window memoir is available on Audible,narrated by Tressa. A limited number of free promotional codes are available while supplies last. Email tressa@thefaninthewindow.com to request a code. Books and a place to begin Find both books on Tressa’s Amazon author page: Get The First Interruption, a free starter kit and email series to help you recognize your patterns and begin practicing a different response. Research discussed Heilmann, A., et al. (2021). Physical punishmentand child outcomes: A narrative review of prospective studies. The Lancet, 398, 355–364. Lee, S. J., Altschul, I., & Gershoff, E. T. (2013). Does warmth moderate longitudinal associations between maternal spanking and child aggression in early childhood?Developmental Psychology, 49, 2017–2028. Salvatore, J. E., et al. (2011). Recovering from conflict inromantic relationships: A developmental perspective. Psychological Science, 22, 376–383. Content note and support This episode discusses childhood wounds, parental rejection,and physical punishment. It includes a brief, optional grounding practice. Please listen at your own pace. This podcast provides education and personal reflection. Itis not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. In the U.S., call or text 988 for free, confidential support, available 24/7 through the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Outside the U.S., find support at findahelpline.com. New episodes every other Tuesday. Follow the show wherever you listen, and visit thefaninthewindow.com to stay connected. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  2. Sep 22

    What Happened To You?

    There is a question that changed the way I think aboutchildren.  Not, what’s wrong with you? What happened to you? Those are two very different questions. And the one you askdetermines everything—what you see, what you miss, what you do next, and what the child in front of you learns about whether they are worth understanding.  Today’s guest works with children and families every singleday inside a school building in Frederick, Maryland—where she sees what trauma actually looks like in the hallways, the classrooms, and the counselor’s office. This conversation is for every parent who has ever wondered what is really going on with their child. And for every adult who was once that child. IN THIS EPISODE — What it means clinically when trauma is stored in the body—and what the ACEs research tells us about its long-term impact — What a dysregulated nervous system looks like in someone who doesn’t know they have one — Why understanding a pattern isn’t enough to change it—and what neuroplasticity actually means for healing — What progress in trauma work really looks like, and why it’s so easy to miss — What’s actually underneath the child labeled difficult, defiant, or checked out — Why parents are often harder to reach than children—and what finally gets through — What school social workers can actually do for your family—IEPs, 504s, in-school therapy, and more — “Children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a presence that feels reliable and supportive.” CONTENT NOTE This episode discusses childhood trauma, adverse childhoodexperiences, behavioral presentations at school, and the impact of family dynamics on children’s mental health. Please listen at your own pace.  In the U.S., call or text 988—free, confidential, 24/7. Outside the U.S.: findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. FIND CAROLINE malamantiscounseling.com LinkedIn: Caroline Kinna Caroline Kinna | LinkedIn GET THE BOOKS The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma—And How WeInterrupt It and You Can Interrupt It: A Practical Guide for the Parent Who Inherited Trauma and Swore They’d Do It Differently are both available now on Amazon. If the memoir gave you the story, the companion book gives you theroadmap—built around the Interruption Model™, practical tools for doing the work one pattern at a time. amazon.com/author/tressalbell FOLLOW TRESSA thefaninthewindow.com/podcast Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube: @tressalbell Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a   If this episode resonated, please leave a review on ApplePodcasts—it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find this work. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  3. Sep 8

    What Familiar Feels Like

    Have you ever looked at a relationship and thought—how did Iend up here again? Not the same person. But the same feeling. The same dynamic. The same patterns playing out in a slightly different set of circumstances. You were not choosing wrong. Your nervous system was choosing familiar. And familiar and safe are not the same thing—but they feel that way when you grew up in a house where familiar meant surviving. This episode is about attachment. What it is, where it comes from, how it shapes every relationship you walk into as an adult—and what it means that you can interrupt it. IN THIS EPISODE — The four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—what each one looks like and where it comes from — The protest polka: why anxious and avoidant partners find each other and what happens between them — How the opposite-sex parent shapes a child’s template for romantic love — Why your parents weren’t the only ones who shaped your attachment—and what it meant when someone else was in the room — How attachment travels into parenting—and what that means for the children watching you now — Earned security: why you don’t have to have had a secure childhood to become a securely attached adult — The free attachment style quiz at thefaninthewindow.com/attachment-style-quiz CONTENT NOTE This episode discusses childhood trauma, sexual abuse, volatile caregiving environments, and how early relational experiences shape adult attachment. Please listen at your own pace. In the U.S., call or text 988—free, confidential, 24/7. Outside the U.S.: findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. TAKE THE QUIZ Free attachment style quiz—solo or with a partner: thefaninthewindow.com/attachment-style-quiz GET THE BOOKS The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma—And How WeInterrupt It and You Can Interrupt It: A Practical Guide for the Parent Who Inherited Trauma and Swore They’d Do It Differently are both available now on Amazon. If the memoir gave you the story, the companion book gives you theroadmap—built around the Interruption Model™, practical tools for doing the work one pattern at a time. amazon.com/author/tressalbell FOLLOW TRESSA thefaninthewindow.com/podcast Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube: @tressalbell Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a   If this episode resonated, please leave a review on ApplePodcasts—it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find this work.  This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  4. Aug 25

    Before the Damage Is Done

    Most of what we talk about on this show is what happens after. After you recognize the pattern. After the damage has already moved through your family line.   But what happens when you see it coming?   Dr. Rondalyn Whitney has spent her career studying exactlywhat protects children from the harm trauma causes. When she was widowed in 2020—her husband Bill killed instantly in a car accident—she didn’t just grieve. She applied everything she knew to protect her son Alex before the damage could take hold.   That is not a story about healing after the fact. That is a story about interruption before the damage is done. IN THIS EPISODE — Losing her father at 15—and how that loss threaded through every professional choice she made — What a protective factor actually is, and why every risk has one on the other side — Antonovsky’s sense of coherence: the three things that predict health even in the face of life’s inevitable stressors — Why grief is not just an emotion—it is a full physiological insult to the body, and what that means for children — The single thing that most reliably protects a child from being permanently shaped by a devastating experience — How Rondalyn applied her research in real time with Alex—and what she got wrong — “Burnt toast is still toast”—what parents in the middle of something hard actually need to hear CONTENT NOTE This episode discusses grief, loss, the death of a spouse andparent, adverse childhood experiences, and protective factors in parenting. Please listen at your own pace.   In the U.S., call or text 988—free, confidential, 24/7. Outside the U.S.: findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. FIND RONDALYN rondalynwhitney.com Instagram: @rondalynwhitney Facebook: rondalyn.whitney.3 YouTube: @rondalynwhitney1695 LinkedIn: Rondalyn Whitney  X: @DrRDub_writes Habits of Widows available on Amazon GET THE BOOKS The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma—And How We Interrupt It and You Can Interrupt It: A Practical Guide for the Parent Who Inherited Trauma and Swore They’d Do It Differently are both available now on Amazon. If the memoir gave you the story, the companion book gives you the roadmap—built around the Interruption Model™, practical tools for doing the work one pattern at a time. amazon.com/author/tressalbell FOLLOW TRESSA thefaninthewindow.com Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube: @tressalbell Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a   If this episode resonated, please leave a review on ApplePodcasts—it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find this work. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  5. Aug 11

    Before I Had the Words

    There is a version of healing that happens alone. In therapy.In journals. In the 2 a.m. conversations you have with yourself when something finally clicks.   And then you go back to your life. Back to the people youlove. And someone does something ordinary—and everything you understood at 2 a.m. disappears. And you are back in the pattern. Again.   That gap—between what you understand and what you can actually do in the moment with another person—is what this episode is about.   Because understanding is not the same as changing. And I learned that the hard way, inside my marriage, before I had the words to explain what was happening to me or to ask for what I needed. IN THIS EPISODE — The fawn-to-flood cycle inside a marriage—and why leaving the room isn’t abandonment, it’s regulation — Why your nervous system can’t just “choose better” mid-conflict—and what has to happen first — Co-regulation: what it is, why it matters, and how telling Jimmy what I needed changed everything — What it looks like when you can hear the words but can’t yet receive them — What my children inherited from watching Jimmy and me fight—and what changed when we did the work — Why understanding a pattern and interrupting it in real time are two completely different skills CONTENT NOTE This episode discusses inherited trauma, nervous systemresponses, emotional flooding, conflict in adult relationships, and the impact of parental conflict on children. Please listen at your own pace.   In the U.S., call or text 988—free, confidential, 24/7.Outside the U.S.: findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. COMING UP NEXT Dr. Rondalyn Whitney—PhD, occupational therapist, Fellow ofthe American Occupational Therapy Association, researcher, writer, and author of fifteen books—joins Tressa for the next guest episode. Her episode is called Before the Damage Is Done. Subscribe so you don’t miss it. GET THE BOOK The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma—And How WeInterrupt It amazon.com/author/tressalbell   Coming Soon: You Can Interrupt It: A Practical Guide for theParent Who Inherited Trauma and Swore They’d Do It Differently—If the memoir gave you the story, this book gives you the roadmap. Built around the Interruption Model™—practical tools for doing the work one pattern at a time.Ebook available for preorder now. Paperback and hardcover available August 18th. Preorder link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H9P1LYWT FOLLOW TRESSA thefaninthewindow.com Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube: @tressalbell Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a   If this episode resonated, please leave a review on ApplePodcasts—it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find this work. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  6. Jul 28

    The Version of Love We Inherited

    Start here: thefaninthewindow.com/start There’s a version of love that jumps in front of everything so your child never has to feel it. And there’s a version that learns to hang back, to ask what they need instead of deciding, to trust that the feeling won’t break them. Most of us were never shown the second one. So, we defaulted to the first one—and called it love. Because it was. It was also something we inherited. Today’s guests are two people who figured out the difference—and are doing it in real time, inside their own relationship, in front of three children who are watching everything.   Lavinia Brown is a trauma-informed psychodynamic coach who supports mothers in becoming the conscious parents and connected partners they want to be through healing their inner child. She holds a master’s from Oxford University and is a certified clinical trauma specialist through the Arizona Trauma Institute. Andrew Lynn is a trauma-informed coach and Lavinia’s partner in both life and work. Together they co-host Becoming Untriggered—a podcast in the top 5% globally. IN THIS EPISODE — How Lavinia and Andrew went from World War III in year one to doing this work professionally together — What shame actually is—and why it sits at the lowest frequency of every human emotion — The difference between role modeling and what you bring energetically to your children — What attuned leadership looks like when you’re triggered by your own kid — Why talk therapy alone may not be enough—and what an integrated approach actually requires — What to do if you’ve been doing the work and you’re still stuck CONTENT NOTE This episode discusses inherited trauma, childhood wounds, volatile conflict, and emotional patterns in adult relationships and parenting. Please listen at your own pace. In the U.S., call or text 988—free, confidential, 24/7. Outside the U.S.: findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. FIND LAVINIA & ANDREW Lavinia: laviniabrown.com Instagram / Facebook / YouTube: the.innerchild.healing.expert Andrew: andrewlynn.net Podcast: Becoming Untriggered on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube GET THE BOOK The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma—And How We Interrupt It amazon.com/author/tressalbell Coming Soon: You Can Interrupt It: A Practical Guide for the Parent Who Inherited Trauma and Swore They'd Do It Differently If the memoir gave you the story, this book gives you the roadmap. Built around the Interruption Model™—practical tools for doing the work one pattern at a time. Stay connected at thefaninthewindow.com for updates. FOLLOW TRESSA thefaninthewindow.com Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube: @tressalbell Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a If this episode resonated, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  7. Jul 14

    Where We Go From Here?

    Start here: thefaninthewindow.com/start   Most of us didn’t learn how to be in a relationship. We learned how to survive inside one.   Season 2 opens with a solo episode—and it goes somewhere personal.   Tressa shares what conflict used to look like in her own relationships: the fawning, the silence, the collected resentment, the flooding, the cruelty that came out without warning, and the leaving. And then the moment that broke her—seeing fear in her children’s faces and recognizing it. Because she had worn that face herself. This episode is about what happens between understanding your patterns and actually changing them. If you’ve done the work—the therapy, the reading, the 2 a.m. conversations with yourself—and you’re still ending up in the same places, this episode is for you.   It’s not a character flaw. It’s a nervous system doing exactly what it learned. And nervous systems can learn something different. IN THIS EPISODE — The fawn-to-flood cycle: what it is, why it feels like relief, and why it always catches up with you — What flooding actually is neurologically—and why the cruelty, the leaving, and the restarting are all part of the same pattern — Why Tressa—a forensic nurse who testified about trauma in courtrooms—didn’t recognize it happening in her own relationships — The difference between understanding a pattern (stage one) and what happens in the body when someone you love triggers it (stage two) — How the Interruption Model™ works—and why Regulate has to come before choice, not after — A grounding practice to close CONTENT NOTE This episode discusses inherited trauma, nervous system responses, fawning, emotional flooding, and Tressa’s personal experience of yelling at her children and witnessing fear in their faces. Please listen at your own pace.   In the U.S., call or text 988—free, confidential, 24/7. Outside the U.S.: findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. COMING UP NEXT Lavinia Brown and Andrew Lynn—trauma-informed coaches, partners, and co-hosts of Becoming Untriggered (top 5% globally)—join Tressa for Episode 2. Subscribe so you don’t miss it. GET THE BOOK The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma—And How We Interrupt It amazon.com/author/tressalbell   Coming Soon: You Can Interrupt It: A Practical Guide for the Parent Who Inherited Trauma and Swore They'd Do It Differently If the memoir gave you the story, this book gives you the roadmap. Built around the Interruption Model™—the practical guide to actually doing the work, one pattern at a time. Stay connected at thefaninthewindow.com for updates. FOLLOW TRESSA thefaninthewindow.com Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube: @tressalbell Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a   If this episode resonated, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts—it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find this work.   This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.

  8. Jun 2

    What Healing Actually Looks Like: Interrupting What We Inherit

    This is the season finale. And I want to be honest with you from the start. I do not have a tidy ending. I do not have a before-and-after story with a clean resolution and a lesson neatly wrapped. What I have is a direction. A long way traveled. And the deep conviction that there is no finish line—and that is not a failure. That is the truth. Twelve episodes. Twelve conversations about the roles we take on, the grief we carry, the apologies we give and receive, the bodies that remember what our minds try to forget, thesurvival mode we parent from, and the control we grip when we are afraid. This episode is about what all of it adds up to. In this episode I cover: What healing is not—not arrival, not linear, not perfection—and why that is the most important reframe of the season What healing actually looks like—the smaller gap, the growing patience, the faster repair, the wisdom earnedthrough traveling not arriving The slow accumulation—what my healing actually looked like, from therapy to Eckhart Tolle to a surgery that forced me to finally be still What to do when you fall back—four practical steps for the days when the old pattern gets there before you do The AWAKE model—the framework that holds everything this season has been about: Awareness, Work It, Accountability, Keep Going, Embody It What I wish I had known—the one thing I would give my younger self if I could The generational vision—what I am building, three generations forward, one ordinary Tuesday at a time A letter to the listener—to the person who showed up for all twelve episodes and did not turn away from the hard things this season asked This episode closes with a grounding practice and an invitation—I want to hear from you. What landed this season? What shifted? What are you going to do differently? There is no finish line. There is only the direction. And you are moving in it. 🪟 This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it. 📖 The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt It Available now on Amazon →amazon.com/author/tressalbell CONTENT NOTE This post discusses trauma, family systems, and emotional healing. If anything here brings up strong feelings or memories, please take care of yourself and reach out for support. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — free, confidential, 24/7. If you are outside the U.S., international crisis resources are available at findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. ABOUT THE SHOW The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit is hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN — author, podcaster, registered nurse, and former forensic nurse. This podcast is about trauma, nervous systems, generational patterns, and the complicated, imperfect work of healing. Each episode blends personal story with research-backed frameworks to help you recognize and interrupt what youinherited — so the next generation doesn't have to carry it too. GET THE BOOK 📖The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt ItAvailable now on Amazon → amazon.com/author/tressalbell A companion self-help book is also in the works. Stay connected for updates. FOLLOW TRESSA 🌐Website: thefaninthewindow.com 📸 Instagram: @tressalbell👤Facebook: tressalbell 🎵 TikTok: @tressalbell ▶️YouTube: tressalbell 🐦 X / Twitter:@tressalbell39905 📩 Substack:tressalbell.substack.com 💼 LinkedIn:linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE 🎙️Apple Podcasts 🎙️ Spotify 🎙️ iHeart Radio 🎙️YouTube 🎙️ Substack New episodes every Tuesday. Ifthis episode resonated, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts — it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find the show. DISCLAIMER This post is not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. Tressa L. Bell is not your therapist. Content is for educational and informational purposes only. Please seek professional support if you are experiencing a mental health crisis.

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The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit explores trauma, nervous systems, and the patterns we carry into our relationships. Join Tressa L. Bell—registered nurse, former forensic nurse examiner, author, and survivor—for honest conversations about generational trauma, intimate partner violence, parenting, and relationship safety. Through personal stories and clinical insight, we explore why familiar doesn’t always mean safe and how we can interrupt what we pass on. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it. New episodes every other Tuesday.

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