Episode 18 — "I Need Space": How to Hear It Without the Alarm New to Steady and Connected? Episodes 1–17 set up the foundation — start there if you're new. They say, "I need some space," and before they've finished the sentence you've already heard the rest of it: space from me. Four words, said reasonably, possibly kindly — and in the minute or two after, you say four or five things you wouldn't have chosen. By bedtime the part you can't get past isn't what they said. It's what you said next. A request for space is one of the hardest ordinary sentences to receive when your system is tuned to closeness. Dr Narelle Duncan, Clinical Psychologist, looks at what the request usually is — a regulation request, and often an attempt to stay in the conversation rather than leave it — and at why the word itself is the problem. Space carries no duration, no distance, and no return, and an anxious pattern works by keeping a running estimate of where you stand. When information stops arriving, the estimating carries on using old material. This episode covers six things that tend to happen in the first minutes, why a reasonable request can land as a verdict, what your system may actually be asking for, and one practice that costs nothing. In this episode you'll learn: Why a request for space is usually about the state someone is in, not a statement about the relationship The version people find surprising: asking for space can be an attempt to stay Six things that tend to happen in the first minutes, and what they all have in common Why it isn't the absence that sets the alarm off, it's the absence with no end marked on it Reasonable from the outside, a verdict from the inside, and why both are true at once The practice for this episode: one word, then a minute or two of nothing Chapter markers 0:00 — Four Words, and What Comes Next 1:16 — Welcome to Steady and Connected 2:12 — The Version Said Out Loud 3:47 — A Poorly Worded Piece of Good News 4:52 — Six Things That Tend to Happen Next 6:49 — Why the Word Has No Edges in It 9:02 — Take the Free Attachment Quiz 9:25 — Reasonable Outside, a Verdict Inside 11:12 — Back to the Kitchen 12:26 — What Would Actually Help: an End Point 13:52 — The Practice: Say Okay, and Wait 15:20 — The Space Contract — Free Companion 16:49 — Where to Go From Here The one practice for this episode — when you next hear those four words, say one word, okay, and then let the next minute or two go by without adding anything to it. Not silence as a message, and not the loud quiet. Just a short, ordinary acknowledgement, and then nothing while the part of you that wants to close the question waits it out. Thirty seconds is a real result. This is for the ordinary version of the request — days of silence, absence used as a consequence, or anything that leaves you feeling unsafe sits outside it, and is worth taking to someone who can sit with both of you. → Free companion guide, The Space Contract: go.steadyandconnected.com.au/space-contract — no email needed, just download it → Free five-minute attachment quiz 🤍: steadyandconnected.com.au If you'd like to keep going after the companion, the Anxious to Steady and Connected Workbook Bundle walks this same ground in depth — three workbooks and a Start Here guide, so what you learn here gets put into practice. If something in today's episode resonated: follow Steady and Connected wherever you listen, so the next episode lands automatically. And if someone came to mind while you were listening, share this episode with them. About Dr Narelle Duncan Clinical Psychologist with a PhD from Griffith University, drawing on 30 years of helping people understand themselves. Founder of Steady and Connected. Individual telehealth sessions available at getlifedirection.com. Coming next: the hour after the argument, when one of you is running it back and the other has apparently gone to sleep. Steady and Connected provides psychoeducation content for general information purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual psychological assessment or treatment. If you are in crisis, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
