Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom Marcy Larson, MD

Thinking back to the first hour after Andy died, I remember being in the emergency room and having such tremendous chest pain that I thought I must be having a heart attack. The ER staff actually put me through the CT scanner and obtained an EKG, but there was nothing physically wrong. Emotionally, however, everything was wrong. Andy was dead, and my whole world felt like it had been destroyed. All the turmoil in my mind manifested itself into physical pain.
What might seem crazy to some people is in the days and weeks following Andy’s death, I almost wanted to feel physical pain. For most of my life, I have suffered with having migraine headaches. I have tried many treatments over the years to help prevent them. After Andy died, however, I actually wanted to have a migraine. I wanted my physical pain to match my emotional pain.
In today’s episode with Gwen, we discuss how interconnected the body and mind can be. It is easy to fall into the trap that I was in and not want to take care of our physical bodies, but when we work on helping our physical bodies, our mental health often improves as well. I know that recently I have faced emotional struggles and going on a walk helps a lot more than curling up in bed.
Erin (from Episode 134: Dakota’s Mom) comes on today to talk about yoga and its impact on her healing. From Erin’s website, yogawitherinb.com: ‘Yoga came into my life when I was so stressed out and carrying an injury and has aided in the transformation to the person I am now happy to be.  I no longer just live in a black-and-white world. Colour has returned and I am able to live, love and celebrate.’
I have personally done several yoga sessions with Erin and always find them healing. Now, Erin is putting together an amazing retreat that will take place in Mexico at the end of October. In the retreat, bereaved moms will be able to be together and work on things like yoga, breath work, and healthy eating as well as have time to connect and even have some fun. I’m sure it will be life-changing for all.

A Thousand Pounds. That's what today's guest, Bri, decided to name the book that she wrote 14 years after suddenly losing her 10 1/2-month-old son, Lach (available here). When Bri was thinking about what the pain of child loss felt like, she describes it as if you were suddenly asked to carry a thousand pounds with you everywhere you went. Even now, she does not think that the thousand pounds are gone or even that the load is lighter. It’s just that over time you get a lot better at carrying it.
The moment that Bri lost Lach, her life changed forever. As much as she didn’t want to be one, she was a bereaved mom and would be for the rest of her life. Shortly after Lach’s death, Bri was introduced to a mom who lost three of her eight children when they were hit by a car. She shared her story with Bri, and sat and listened as Bri told hers. She was struck by the honesty of this older, experienced bereaved mom. She did not sugar-coat anything and admitted to Bri that she would feel the pain of losing Lach forever. However, she was not a sad, broken woman. She radiated compassion and love.
Bri thought, ‘If I have to be a bereaved mom, I want to be a bereaved mom like that.' She didn’t have the choice of whether she was a bereaved mom. That had already been decided, but now Bri did get to decide what to do with that grief moving forward. She decided that out of her ashes, God could help her create something beautiful.
Over the last 14 years, Bri has done just that. In addition to her book, Bri and her family created Lach’s Legacy, an organization that works to bring ‘connection, comfort and hope to families after the unexpected loss of an infant’ for families in South Dakota. In addition, the organization raises money used for research in SIDS research. Through her own pain, Bri is helping to create a little bit of hope for those in the depths of despair.

Today's guests Myron and Jenny would probably say that they had a pretty blessed life before August 2015. They had both grown up in the church. They had two amazing sons, Caleb and Jacob, who they brought up in the faith as well. In fact, on the night their boys got in their car accident, the whole family had volunteered at a church event. Caleb and Jacob had driven separately and stayed a bit longer for some last-minute cleanup, but the parents expected the boys to arrive home shortly after they did. Unfortunately, their truck was struck by a drunk driver. Jacob was instantly killed while Caleb suffered life-threatening injuries.
Their lives were turned completely upside down. They tried to balance mourning Jacob's death with being present for Caleb as he recovered in the hospital from a traumatic brain injury. Although during the first weeks and months, they often felt like they were in a fog, they had an amazing church family to support them. They clung to their faith and slowly began to find some new purpose in their lives. Myron began speaking before young people on the dangers of drunk driving while Jenny turned inward and began to write. During the pandemic when the whole world seemed to shut down and isolate, Jenny started a blog and even published her book, 'God Prints: Finding Evidence of God in the Shattered Pieces of Life.' (Learn more about Jenny, her journey, and her plans for the future on her website, jennyleavitt.com.)
When I asked today's guests, Myron and Jenny, to give some closing words for today's episode, Myron said that he just wanted people to know that there is always hope. Even when life seems so dark and you might feel like giving up, don't do it. Myron and Jenny are constantly sharing their story with others in order to help show others that they are not alone and that hope can defeat the darkness. Myron says he wants people to look at their lives and say, "If Myron and Jenny can get through this, so can I."

Today’s guest, Krysten’s oldest son, Ty, loved being in nature. Having recently graduated from high school in California, he had planned to go out to Colorado to enjoy the mountains and hike before enlisting in the Navy. Then the unthinkable happened. On September 2, 2019, Ty went on one of his frequent hiking trips with friends and died when he fell in a freak accident. 
Krysten and her family were shocked and devastated. Throughout the episode today, Krysten relates how now, 3 1/2 years later, she is struggling to find her purpose. Should she work to make trails safer? Should she train to become a grief counselor? Should she find some other grand purpose for her life moving forward? She reminds me so much of the moms I have talked to over the years. She places this pressure on herself to do more.
As I continued listening to Krysten, I began to see how little credit she is giving herself. She shared that on her birthday, she joined Facebook and on her very first post, decided to raise money for the search and rescue team that found Ty. Over 2 weeks, she raised $2500. Every year on the anniversary of Ty's death, she has ’TyFest’ where Ty’s friends gather to play soccer and reminisce about Ty. Every year it looks a little different, but she continues to honor and remember him. In addition, Krysten enjoys nature more herself and will go on hikes to places Ty would have enjoyed. On each special trip, Krysten sprinkles just a few of Ty’s ashes along the way.
To Krysten, all of these things might seem small and insignificant, but together they are already giving her purpose. They are all honoring her amazing son, Ty. Even sharing his life with others on the podcast helps to give her a little purpose as well. I hope that Krysten can help to show all of us that finding purpose doesn’t have to be big. It can be quiet, soft, and beautiful.

When Elizabeth found out she was pregnant with twins, she was overjoyed. Then Elizabeth and her husband learned one of their babies had significant birth defects. They had a life-changing decision to make. They could carry one healthy baby and sacrifice the second or try to carry both babies risking the health of both. In an instant, they decided Elizabeth would carry both twins and trust God to care for them. Elizabeth knew that baby Joseph may not be healed, but he was. He had numerous surgeries, but miraculously, was home from the hospital in less than 8 weeks.
Both boys grew up to be happy and healthy. They shared a room together, sat next to each other at school, and played numerous sports together. Elizabeth thought that she knew her life’s testimony. Joseph was a living miracle. They trusted in God and were blessed. Joseph would proudly show off his surgical scars, knowing that his life was a miracle.
Almost 3 years ago, however, everything changed. Joseph was killed in an ATV accident on the farm with his brother at his side. Elizabeth was devastated. She fell into deep depression. Elizabeth had her faith tested in those days, weeks, and months after losing Joseph, but God did not abandon her. She clung to the fact that Jesus wept, and she allowed herself to weep as well. If you ask Elizabeth today how to get through the first weeks and months after child loss, she will tell you to read your Bible and get a good psychologist. Surround yourself with people who support you and will offer love and encouragement. 
Every day, Elizabeth reminds herself of this truth - God will have good come from this. Since the accident, Elizabeth and her family have seen good happen after Joseph's tragic death. They started the Joseph Warlick Memorial Foundation (@allinforever11 on Facebook/Instagram) to keep Joseph's sweet spirit and love for soccer alive. They partnered with TOPSoccer to start a local soccer team for children with special needs. For Elizabeth, game nights are her favorite of the week, and she knows that seeing kids having fun playing soccer would make Joseph smile.

If Brooke was asked to describe her daughter, Libby, in one word, she selected ‘Joy’. Even as a baby, she was always happy. Her favorite phrase was, ‘This is the best day ever!’ The most amazing thing about Libby, however, was that she truly wanted everyone around her to have ‘the best day ever as well’ and she spent her time making sure that it was the best that she could make it.
When 10-year-old Libby died suddenly in a car accident last year, Brooke was devastated. Brooke thought that she had known grief. In fact, after losing both her sister and sister-in-law suddenly several years before, she lost her dad and step-mom within days of each other just months before Libby’s accident. This grief, however, was different. Libby was Brooke’s mini-me, her little shadow. Brooke felt like she didn’t even know who she was without Libby.
After Libby died, Brooke was constantly being asked how she was doing by well-meaning people. It was honestly overwhelming to try to answer them so Brooke did the thing that felt natural to her - Brooke wrote. Initially, it just seemed to be a good way to let people know how she was doing, but soon it became more than that. Soon, strangers began to read what she wrote on her grievingmommy.com blog as well as her @grievingmommy social media accounts on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.
Brooke began making videos and even started an online virtual support group. She is currently even writing a book which will be titled, ‘Grief Sucks, but Your Life Doesn’t Have To.’ In the depths of her own grief, Brooke is working to make the lives of other people just a little bit better. Brooke knows that she might not be able to make others have ‘the best day ever,’ but we both know that Libby would be proud of her mom as she tries.