Love Inside Out with Adele Testa

Adele The Coach
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What if the way we've been thinking about love is keeping us from actually having it? Whether you're happily partnered, struggling to connect, or somewhere in the messy middle—pull up a chair. Let's figure this out together. Love Inside Out is for anyone who's ever felt like they're performing in their relationship instead of living in it. For people who wonder if compromise has turned into playing small. For those asking: Why was this easier in my twenties? I'm Adele—coach, and curious human. Thank you for joining me in this journey!

  1. 1d ago

    24. The slow fade: when someone leaves without ever saying goodbye

    I once had someone fade on me so gradually that I didn't see it happening. He dressed the distance up as a busy season — a big project, a phase, nothing to worry about. By the time I understood what was going on, I'd already mentally planned our second anniversary. Fifteen years later I can still feel it: the confusion, the hollow space, the not knowing whether something had ended or whether I was imagining the whole thing. That's where this episode lives. The replies that get slower. The plans that go vague. The partner who stops asking about your day and stops reaching for you when they pass in the kitchen. Someone turning the volume down on you, week by week, until one day you realise you can barely hear them — and nobody ever actually said goodbye. I take you through the different shapes it comes in — the dating fade, the situationship that quietly dissolves, the long relationship where one person has emotionally checked out but hasn't gone anywhere. I unpack why we vanish instead of saying the thing: the terror of being the villain, the magical hope that they'll somehow work it out for themselves, the way we've all gotten a little too good at avoidance. And I give you the actual words for an honest, gentle ending — because telling you to "just be direct" means nothing if I don't show you what direct actually sounds like. If you're the one being faded on right now — rereading the messages, measuring the gaps between replies, quietly deciding it must be your fault — there's a part of this episode I wrote just for you. When you reach it, stop whatever you're doing and listen. I mean that. And here is the one thing I want you to carry out of this with you: their silence describes them, not you. As always, we end with Heart Work — two short questions, one for you if you've been faded on, one for you if you're the one fading. 🤎 CHAPTER BREAKDOWN 00:00 — What the slow fade really looks like05:02 — When you're the one being faded on09:04 — Why we fade instead of saying the thing12:42 — Why being honest feels so dangerous20:18 — What a kind goodbye sounds like27:09 — Heart work and what's next Next Sunday is the last full-length episode before summer — "Sorry Is a Word" — on apologies, repair, and the word almost none of us were ever taught how to use.

    31 min

  2. May 24

    23. Moving for love without losing yourself

    Ten years ago, I packed up the life I'd taken 25 years to build and moved to a different country for one person. That person was — and is — worth it. But moving for love is not the romantic plot point it gets sold as. It's a slow, structural decision that touches everything: your friendships, your identity, your money, your sense of home, even the way you spend a Sunday evening. Nobody explained that to me before I went. So in this episode of Love Inside Out, I give you the full map I wish someone had given me — for relocating, moving cities or countries for your partner without losing yourself on the way. Inside this episode: 00:00 The loneliness of relocation01:12 Preparing for the move05:43 Date the place (find your bench)08:29 The three friends you need in year one11:35 Grieving the past14:37 The money conversation nobody wants to have19:12 Communicating needs in relationships21:40 The importance of ongoing conversations in relationships23:11 Navigating the challenges of moving for Love25:01 Understanding the emotional impact of relocation27:13 The bet of moving: trusting yourself28:27 Forget that you moved29:18 Final thoughts on moving for LoveThis episode is for anyone about to move for love, in the middle of it, or still recovering from it years later. The people who move well aren't the ones who love hardest — they're the ones who build most carefully. If this lands for you, or you know someone about to make the leap — share it. I wish someone had done that for me at the time. DM on instagram adele_thecoach Read about Love on substack Stay curious, curious listener. Ciao 🤎

    32 min

  3. May 17

    22. The four wounds of dysfunctional love - and the secret of healing

    Why do you push away the people who are genuinely good for you — and feel strangely at home with the ones who aren't? If steady, kind love feels boring, suspicious, even suffocating… if a caring partner has ever made you think "this is too good to be true"… if you keep choosing chaos and calling it passion — this episode will hit close to home. In this episode of Love Inside Out, we explore what happens when we grow up in a dysfunctional family — not an unloving one, just one that quietly handed us some difficult patterns. Using the story of the chained elephant, we will unpack why your nervous system still lives in a world you've long outgrown, and why that "chain" shows up in your romantic life every single day. Together we look at the four wounds a dysfunctional upbringing can leave behind and the crucial difference between what feels familiar and what actually is care. Because confusing the two is how good people walk away from good love. This episode is gentle, honest, and a little tender — but it ends on a turning point. The love you've been running from might be the love you were looking for all along. This week's Heart Work is a four-step reflection exercise to help you start spotting your own chains: name it, separate then and now, redefine home, and get a witness. 🤎 Three standalone newsletters going deeper on this topic are on the Substack — link below. https://substack.com/@unromanticisedlove Chapters: 00:00 - Understanding Dysfunctional Family Dynamics03:42 - The Impact of Dysfunction on Relationships07:55 - Identifying Core Wounds from Dysfunction11:48 - Recognizing Familiarity vs. Genuine Care16:45 - Relearning Healthy Relationship Dynamics19:21 - Practical Steps for Healing and Growth Episodes mentioned in this episode: 🔗 Episode 1 — Love Storytelling: The Lies We Tell Ourselves About Love (love = drama, love = sacrifice) → https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826870 🔗 Episode 9 - How to Recognise Your Person (Dating Framework) → https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826767 🔗 Episode 8. - The Power Couple Myth (3x Rule) → https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826924 🔗 Episode 4 - Self-Love and Romantic Love (7 Hs Framework) → https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826766

    26 min

  4. May 10

    21. How to strengthen your relationship

    We've all been sold that fixing our relationship takes a weekend retreat, a couples therapist, or a three-hour conversation at midnight that leaves both parties both wrung out and staring at the ceiling. It doesn't. In this episode, I'm giving you part one of my coaching framework — three small, ordinary acts, done together every day, in five minutes total. The kind of acts you used to do for each other when you were trying to win them over, and somewhere along the way quietly stopped. This episode is for you whether you're: In a crisis, actually wondering if you're going to make itIn the apathy, years in, gone flat, no drama but no fireIn the post-butterflies lull, where the early spark has worn off and nobody warned you about what comes nexIn the post-move-in settle, where the giddy first-flat energy has cooled into something far more domestic than you thought it would Chapters: 00:00 Rekindling relationships with amall acts02:14 Understanding relationship dynamics04:39 The power of appreciation07:05 Small gestures matter09:15 The challenge of non-escalation10:42 Building connection through consistency12:22 The importance of daily efforts14:28 Transforming relationship dynamics16:42 Practical steps for change19:01 Commitment to improvementIf this episode lands for you, I'd love to hear about it. And if you're curious about parts two and three of the coaching framework — message me. I'll walk you through them. 🤎 Instagram — @adele_thecoach✍️ Substack — https://substack.com/@unromanticisedlove Ciao.

    21 min

  5. May 3

    20. Retroactive jealousy: the ghost in your relationship

    Your partner's ex. The one you've never met but can't stop thinking about. That's the ghost in your relationship — and in this episode, we're talking about why someone who is no longer part of the story has more power over your peace of mind than the person sleeping next to you. Today we focus on retroactive jealousy. In this episode, I break down what retroactive jealousy actually is, why it takes hold so deeply, who keeps the ghost alive without realising it, and what you can do — practically, honestly — to stop it from running your relationship. If you've ever stalked your partner's ex on social media, asked a question you didn't actually want the answer to, or felt your stomach drop at a name from their past — this episode was made for you. Press play. CHAPTERS 00:00 Understanding retroactive jealousy — what it is, how it differs from reactive and possessive jealousy, and why we're only covering this type today. The others get their own episode.03:11 The emotional impact of retroactive jealousy — what it actually feels like from the inside, the obsessive cycle of digging and spiralling, and how friends, family, and even your partner can keep the ghost alive without meaning to.10:34 Identifying the root causes — low self-worth, anxious attachment, and the imagination problem that turns your partner's past into a film that's always worse than reality.18:23 Strategies for managing retroactive jealousy — six practical steps, from stopping the detective work to building the relationship instead of investigating it.19:33 Heart Work of the week — three questions to carry with you this week. The kind that change things if you sit with them honestly.21:10 Conclusion — the past is where stories go when they're finished. Yours is still being written.If this episode landed — or if you want to tell me which part hit hardest — send me a DM on Instagram @adelethecoach. I read every single one.🤎 I also write a weekly newsletter on Substack where I go deeper into the topics behind each episode — standalone articles you can read in two minutes with your morning coffee. https://substack.com/@unromanticisedlove Don't let a ghost run your love life. Ciao, Adele 🤎

    22 min

  6. Apr 26

    19. Be careful who you talk to about your Love life

    This episode is for anyone who's ever left a coffee, a dinner, or a group chat feeling quietly worse about their relationship — without being able to say exactly why. For anyone who's compared their love life to a friend's highlight reel and come up short. For anyone who vents to the same person every time and wonders why nothing ever shifts. But here's what happened. This Sunday I accidentally ran a mini group coaching session about love. With three strangers. On a park bench. Before brunch. I did not sign up for this. I watched one woman's sense of her own marriage swing from relief to shame in ninety seconds — based entirely on two sentences from two people she'd just met. And I couldn't stay quiet about it. Because what happened on that bench happens to all of us. We just don't notice it. Press play if you want: The comparison trap — To understand why casual conversations about other people's relationships quietly sabotage how you feel about your own. Standards, not comparisons — A three-column framework for deciding what is okay, what is negotiable, and what is a no-no in your relationship — so you stop outsourcing your compass to strangers on park benches. Choose your person on purpose — The difference between a sounding board that calibrates you and one that just cheers you on. Why co-rumination — the thing that feels like support — actually embeds the hurt deeper. And how to pick the right person before you need them. Heart Work of the week: three things to do this week to turn what you heard into what you practise. This episode is less theory, more story. I think you'll recognise yourself somewhere in it. Chapters: Introduction: 0:00 - 0:49- 1:32The Park Bench Story: 1:32 - 5:56Comparison in Relationships: 5:56 - 9:20The Concept of Standards: 9:20 - 15:23Sounding Board and Support: 15:23 - 21:39Heart Work and Conclusion: 21:39 - 27:57Let's stay in touch. I'd love to hear which part landed most for you. 📩 DM me on Instagram: @adele_thecoach✍️ Read my weekly articles on Substack: https://substack.com/@unromanticisedlove Love Inside Out is available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts — wherever you listen to podcasts.

    28 min

  7. Apr 19

    18. The imaginary race & FOMO in love: why you're comparing your love life to a timeline that doesn't exist

    You're not behind. You're scrolling and play a lose-lose game with endless comparisons. Nobody tells you this, so I will: the most damaging thing you can do in love is measure your real life against someone else's highlight reel. That knot in your stomach when a friend gets engaged. That restless ache when you see a couple on holiday and yours feels quieter. That voice saying you should be further along by now. That's not intuition. That's FOMO. And it's running more of your love decisions than you think. FOMO in love is not jealousy. It's not envy. It's a fear — the fear that your love life is falling behind a timeline nobody actually agreed to. And it doesn't just hit single people. It hits those in relationships, those in situationships, and those who've been through divorce hardest of all. In this episode, I go deeper into FOMO than I've gone on any topic so far. And I think it might change how you see your own love life. 🤎 WHAT'S INSIDE THIS EPISODE 🤎 The Imaginary Timeline — where your love roadmap came from, and why it was never yours to begin with. 🤎 The Comparison Trap — how social media hijacks your nervous system. 🤎 The Grief Nobody Recognises — FOMO often masks grief for a life that didn't happen. Until you mourn the imaginary version, you keep chasing it. 🤎 FOMO and Your Attachment Style — why anxious attachment turbocharges FOMO, and why avoidant attachment uses it as a costume. 🤎 The Sunk Cost Trap — why people stay in wrong relationships because leaving feels like wasting the years they invested. 🤎 The "What If" Loop — and a practical tool called the What If Audit to break the spiral. 🤎 Heart Work — three questions to sit with this week. If something in this episode landed — or if you want to tell me which chapter hit hardest — send me a DM on Instagram @adelethecoach. I read every single one. Your pace is yours. Always has been. — Adele 🤎 REFERENCES I also reference our episode on The Power Couple Myth - everyone wants to be the Obamas (but no one wants to do the work) — because the pressure to look like you're winning at love is FOMO's older, louder sibling. Listen https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826924.Leon Festinger — Social Comparison Theory (1954). The foundational research on why humans evaluate themselves by comparing to others. Barry Schwartz — The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less (2004). Research showing that too many options lead to paralysis and dissatisfaction. His distinction between "maximisers" and "satisficers" applies directly to modern dating and relationship decisions.

    22 min

  8. Apr 12

    17. Three communication secrets no one told you before

    This episode is for anyone who's ever felt stuck in the same argument, said something they didn't mean, or walked out of a conversation wondering how it went sideways so fast. No jargon. No "use I-statements." Just three things happening beneath the surface of your love life that most of us were never taught to notice. But here's what happened. Three coaching sessions in one week. Three completely different people. Same hidden patterns showing up in all of them.If three people bumped into this in seven days, chances are you have too. I never thought I'd record an episode with a title like this either. It sounds like one of those ads promising a masterclass at £27. Don't worry — we're not there yet. Press play if you want: Secret 1 — To finally understand why your partner keeps repeating the same thing (it's not what you think). Plus the Harvard neuroscience that explains why being listened to feels so good — and the line between social intelligence and manipulation. Secret 2 — To catch the invisible voice in your head that's been rewriting every sentence your partner says before you even answer them. Secret 3 — To learn the most unromantic sentence in the English language — and why it will save more relationships than "I love you" ever has. Heart Work of the week: how to make into practice what we hear in this episode. Twenty-one minutes. One cup of tea. Maybe one small shift in how you show up tonight. Let's stay in touch. I'd love to hear which secret landed most for you. Get in touch! 📩 DM me on Instagram: @adele_thecoach✍️ Read my weekly articles on Substack: https://substack.com/@unromanticisedlove Research referenced in this episode: Tamir & Mitchell (Harvard fMRI study) — Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2012)Episodes mentioned: Episode 12 — Why We Rage at the People We Love

    19 min
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What if the way we've been thinking about love is keeping us from actually having it? Whether you're happily partnered, struggling to connect, or somewhere in the messy middle—pull up a chair. Let's figure this out together. Love Inside Out is for anyone who's ever felt like they're performing in their relationship instead of living in it. For people who wonder if compromise has turned into playing small. For those asking: Why was this easier in my twenties? I'm Adele—coach, and curious human. Thank you for joining me in this journey!

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