As the autobiographer and researcher of the late John Driver (Not you! Don’t Worry ABOUT THAT!) I stumbled upon a curious parchment folded inside his hymnal. Though written in a plain hand, its contents read like a podcast review delivered straight from glory. Faithful listener that he was, here is his testimony:
“Lo, brethren! Though mine iPhone be hidden deep within the butter churn, powered only by the rhythmic creak of the barn door, yet have I listened unto every episode. Yay, I have even listened to every episode and have hidden every uttering in my heart. And I doth await my free t-shirt, that I may don it upon the mission field as both garment and banner.”
“But grievous is this matter: my name is tossed about upon the airwaves like a turnip at the harvest supper. Therefore, to the other John Driver, I do declare a duel most non-violent, yet conducted with great gravity. Let us face off in contests of wit, of pie, and of piety: who can deliver the longest sermon without notes, who can keep a straight face through three consecutive potluck jokes, and who can stack the tallest tower of shoofly pies without collapse. And shouldst these trials fail to settle the matter, then lo—the tie-breaker shall be the ultimate contest: a buggy demolition derby, held in utter silence. Yea, horses shall trot furiously, wheels shall clash mightily, and not a single ‘amen’ shall be uttered until one buggy alone remaineth upright upon the gravel of destiny.”
“And to the victor shall be granted a prize most coveted: the sole and exclusive right to the name ‘John Driver’ upon Amazon’s eternal scrolls, yea, to be displayed in majesty above all paperback and Kindle listings.”
Thus ended his note. And though John Driver hath passed into everlasting rest, yet from beyond he insisteth: send forth the free t-shirt without delay.
—His faithful autobiographer, tongue firmly in cheek
