The Devil You Don’t Know: Marriage, Mental Health & the Patterns That Shape Us

Lindsay Oakes & Cleveland Oakes
  • 5.0 (5)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

The Devil You Don’t Know is a candid mental-health and culture podcast hosted by married counselors Lindsay and Cleveland Oakes. Through humor, personal stories, honest disagreements, and practical psychology, they uncover the hidden patterns affecting our relationships, identities, families, and emotional lives. From mindfulness and healing to marriage, society, and the everyday messiness of being human, Lindsay and Cleveland explore what it takes to recognize our patterns—and choose something different.

  1. 5d ago

    If You Think This One Is About You, Maybe It Is: The Movie Of Me

    Send us Fan Mail If you’ve ever read something, heard a conversation, or listened to a podcast and thought, “Wait, are they talking about me?” you already know the feeling we’re unpacking. We call it the “Movie Of Me” the nonstop inner production where we assume the camera is pointed at us, every reaction is a verdict, and other people’s choices must be secretly about our worth. We connect this to real psychology and real life: the spotlight effect, the way we react to our perception of events, and how insecurity can masquerade as self-centeredness. Along the way, we share stories that make the pattern obvious (and a little uncomfortable), from feedback at work to friendships strained by constant venting, to the chaos of drivers who act like rules don’t apply to them. We also talk about how we cast ourselves in familiar roles like the helper, the expert, the victim, the peacemaker, or the misunderstood one, and what it costs when we refuse to leave that seat. Then we get practical. Lindsay breaks down how mindfulness meditation trains the exact skill most of us are missing: noticing the story, pausing, and choosing a different response. “Name it, pause, and allow it” becomes a simple way to stop spiraling, take perspective, and stay curious instead of defensive. If you want better communication, healthier boundaries, and more freedom inside your own mind, this conversation is for you. Subscribe for more, share this with someone who needs a gentler mirror, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one moment this week when you made yourself the main character? Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  2. Aug 4

    Everyday Generosity

    Send us Fan Mail The fastest way to change your day might be smaller than you think. We’re talking about the smallest moments of generosity: letting someone merge, softening your tone, giving a real compliment, or choosing a kinder story about why someone didn’t call back. Those tiny decisions don’t just help other people, they reshape our stress, our mood, and the kind of life we feel like we’re living. We reflect on how generosity shows up as a mindset, especially when we’re tired, rushed, or irritated. From “New York driving” to everyday conversations, we explore what happens when we meet people with curiosity instead of certainty, and how “generosity of thought” can stop us from building resentment on assumptions. We also talk about receiving as its own form of generosity and why keeping score kills connection. We get practical with right speech and generous listening: pausing before we react, asking whether something needs to be said, and learning to be present without fixing. Lindsay shares a story from her clinical work that captures what real generosity looks like in a high-stress moment, and we close with what gets in the way most often: overwhelm, self-criticism, and forgetting that boundaries can coexist with kindness. If you got something from this, subscribe, share the episode with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one small act of generosity you’ll practice today? Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  3. Jul 26

    What If Peace Is The Most Powerful Choice

    Send us Fan Mail One unexpected phone call can hijack a perfect day, and that’s exactly why we wanted to talk about peace of mind while we’re sitting in a place that feels genuinely calm. We’re on vacation in Virgin Gorda, soaking up quiet mornings and slow rhythms, when a work situation tries to pull us right back into urgency, blame, and the need to be right. That contrast sets up the question we keep returning to: are we thinking about peace, or are we actually being peaceful? We unpack a line we love from Krishna Das: “Thinking about peace of mind is not being peaceful.” It sounds obvious, but it lands differently when you notice how often we plan our way toward calm and accidentally turn rest, mindfulness, and even meditation into another project. We talk about nervous system activation, why some people escalate so fast, and how a simple pause can keep someone else’s chaos from becoming your day. From there we get practical: boundaries that work in the moment, why not engaging can feel “wrong” but still be wise, and how “where there’s no wood, the fire goes out” applies to texts, arguments, and workplace drama. We also challenge the cultural idea that peace is softness. Peace can be power, presence, and steadiness, especially when everyone else is spiraling. If you’ve been craving less anxiety, better emotional regulation, and more mindfulness in everyday life, listen along and try one breath before the next reaction. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a calmer nervous system, and leave us a review with what stood out most. Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  4. Jun 30

    Loving-Kindness Meditation For People You Can’t Stand

    Send us Fan Mail Anger can feel like armor, but what if it’s actually the thing that keeps you stuck? We talk about metta loving-kindness meditation as a real-world tool for emotional regulation, stress relief, and staying grounded when someone cuts you off, talks down to you, or brings out your worst instincts. This isn’t a “just be nice” lecture. We get honest about the people who tighten something in us and why offering goodwill can feel impossible, even dishonest.  We unpack what metta means in Buddhist meditation, why it’s not approval, and how it’s different from people pleasing. You’ll hear us work through common misunderstandings: Does wishing someone well excuse bad behavior? Do you have to like someone to practice compassion? What happens when your nervous system gets activated and your brain labels a person as danger? We connect the dots between trauma responses, the need to be right, and the urge to “get even,” then offer a clearer path that keeps your boundaries intact.  We also make it practical: start with yourself, move to neutral people, and only then try a difficult person. If the phrases feel inauthentic, we explain how to work with that resistance instead of forcing it. We close with simple daily practices to create space between stimulus and response, plus an invitation to join Lindsay’s Deep Rest offering and community meditation. If this helped, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs calmer reactions, and leave a review so more people can find the show. Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  5. Jun 23

    Fornicating While I'm Home: The Mortgage is Ours And The Rules Are Too

    Send us Fan Mail Your house, your mortgage, your groceries, your utilities, your patience and somehow your adult kid still thinks they get veto power over your life. We get real about the strange new era of parenting where grown children stay home longer, contribute less, and bring big opinions about how the household should run. If you have ever felt like you are the infrastructure while someone else writes the rules, you are not alone.  We unpack the flashpoints that turn a normal week into a standoff: the silent treatment that shows up out of nowhere, the surprise moral judgment after a family barbecue, and the day-to-day policing of “don’t burn that candle,” “don’t play that music,” and yes, even “don’t do that while I’m home.” Under the jokes is a serious conversation about privacy, respect, and why adult children living at home still need clear boundaries and basic household responsibility.  We also talk money, because the financial support is real. From rent and groceries to premium Wi-Fi, transportation, and college tuition, the cost of “free” living adds up fast, and it can quietly drain a parent’s ability to save. Our takeaway is simple: adult kids can have feelings and opinions, but they do not get to manage the adults who pay the bills. Reclaiming adulthood is not selfish; it is how you stay sane and raise people who can handle real life.  If this hit home, subscribe, share it with a fellow parent, and leave a review. What is the one boundary you wish you had set sooner? Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  6. Jun 2

    We Are Never Victims of Anything Outside of Us: Why Liberation Is an Inside Job

    Send us Fan Mail The fastest way to stay stuck is to keep asking, “Why did this happen to me?” We start with a very human story about rules, trust, and a car that ends up in Brooklyn, then use it as a runway into a bigger claim that shows up across spiritual traditions and modern psychology: we are never the victims of anything outside of us. That line can sound harsh, so we slow it down and make it usable without turning it into blame or denial. We unpack the difference between pain and identification with pain, and how the mind turns a moment of hurt into years of suffering through rumination and replay. Along the way, we pull threads from the Dhammapada, the Bhagavad Gita, and the Stoics, then connect them to resilience research and cognitive behavioral therapy: external events may be uncontrollable, but your inner response is where freedom lives. We also talk boundaries, grief, anger, and why “acting without attachment” is not passivity. It’s showing up fully without handing your peace over to outcomes, politics, or other people’s behavior. Then we go after the ego. If the ego “needs problems,” it also needs someone to blame. We explore secondary gain, victim identity, and why letting go can feel scary when the wound has become your personality. The through-line is practical: process real emotion, tell the truth, take responsibility for your choices, and rewrite the story you keep living inside. If this conversation hits a nerve, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the one belief you’re ready to release. Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  7. May 24

    The Lesson Of Betrayal Is Self-Trust

    Send us Fan Mail Betrayal can make you question everything, not just the person who hurt you. We start with a deceptively simple line we heard from Krishna Das: “the lesson of betrayal is trust.” Then we pull it apart from every angle, because betrayal trauma isn’t only about broken promises, it’s about the moment your inner compass starts to wobble and you wonder, “How did I not see this?”  We connect the emotional experience to psychology and neuroscience, including why rejection can register in the body like physical pain and why rumination kicks in after a major rupture. We talk about the nervous system, hypervigilance, and the way your brain tries to rebuild a sense of safety by replaying the story on a loop. And we get personal about how humiliation, grief, and a cracked sense of reality can turn into a long season of second-guessing your own instincts.  From there, we move into the real work: self-trust. We explore how attachment and people-pleasing can lead to self-betrayal, why boundaries are not cruelty, and how learning to say no can be the cleanest form of healing. We also look at spiritual growth and post-traumatic growth, where pain strips away the illusion that another person or institution can permanently hold your center. If you’ve ever feared that opening your heart again makes you “naive,” this conversation is for you.  If this hits home, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one boundary that helped you trust yourself again? Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

  8. Mar 29

    Dead or Alive: Are You Awake or Just Existing?

    Send us Fan Mail You can have a job, a schedule, a social life, and still feel like you’re watching yourself go through the motions. We start with funny banter and real-life moments, then pivot into a bigger question that hits hard: are we actually awake, or are we just moving? From scrolling first thing in the morning to adopting beliefs because our “side” demands it, we talk about how autopilot living can look normal while it quietly disconnects us from our own identity. We unpack the hive mind and modern “programming” from culture, family expectations, politics, news, and algorithms. We also get personal about grief, therapy, and loyalty: how being a commitment person can turn into sacrificing your comfort, and how an outside therapist can help you see what no longer fits. Along the way we tie mindfulness meditation and Buddhist ideas to emotional resilience, including the skill of increasing your tolerance for unpleasant feelings instead of numbing out or dragging everyone into your mood. The heart of the conversation is intentional living. Purpose is not a one-time discovery or a big social media moment; it’s daily alignment, stronger boundaries, and the courage to ask “What do I want?” and “What aligns with me?” We close with practical ways to step away from noise, stop chasing validation, and build a life that feels authentic, present, and alive. If this resonates, subscribe to The Devil You Don’t Know, share the episode with someone who feels stuck, and leave a review with one habit you want to stop doing on default. Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

See All (85)

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
5 Ratings

About

The Devil You Don’t Know is a candid mental-health and culture podcast hosted by married counselors Lindsay and Cleveland Oakes. Through humor, personal stories, honest disagreements, and practical psychology, they uncover the hidden patterns affecting our relationships, identities, families, and emotional lives. From mindfulness and healing to marriage, society, and the everyday messiness of being human, Lindsay and Cleveland explore what it takes to recognize our patterns—and choose something different.

Information

You Might Also Like