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Who are you? How do others view you? And why do we care so much about what others think of us, especially when they probably aren't spending as much time thinking about us as we think they are? When they do think about us, they see us through their own lens. It’s time to discover who you are. So, how exactly do you do that?Tony Overbay, LMFT, reads a heartfelt letter from a long-time listener, Jamie, who struggles with issues in her marriage and recognizes patterns from her childhood that affect how she interacts with her spouse and children. Tony explores the concept of the 'Looking Glass Self' by Charles Horton Cooley, discussing how our self-identity is shaped by our perceptions of how others view us. He uses examples from listeners and clients to explain how these early experiences impact our self-esteem and relationships. Tony introduces the modern-day concept of the 'reflected sense of self' from David Schnarch's theories of differentiation and provides practical advice on overcoming the need for external validation, forming healthier attachments, and developing a stable self-identity.Join Tony as he navigates these deep psychological concepts and offers insights into creating more emotionally secure and fulfilling connections.00:00 Listener's Heartfelt Letter02:31 Introduction to Episode 42403:10 Exploring the Concept of the Mirror03:29 Charles Horton Cooley and the Looking Glass Self09:00 Real-Life Examples of the Looking Glass Self16:16 Differentiation and Emotional Independence16:57 Balancing Connection and Individuality18:47 The Reflected Sense of Self27:00 Understanding Identity and Self-Worth27:55 The Role of External Validation29:25 Parent-Child Dynamics and Conditional Love30:53 Emotional Neglect and Its Impact33:21 Attachment Styles and Emotional Support40:13 The Concept of Shame and Guilt46:26 Overcoming Childhood Wounds49:35 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Tony Overbay, LMFT, and Marla Christensen, AMFT, APCC, dive deep into the complexities of betrayal trauma, focusing on the emotional and cognitive challenges faced by both partners. They explore how the betrayer's shame and fragmented memories often lead to staggered disclosures, which can further traumatize the betrayed partner. Over time, understanding the flawed nature of memory, the impact of shame, our desire to alleviate discomfort at almost any cost, and the human need for certainty is crucial. By developing emotional regulation, better communication skills, and a deeper understanding of oneself and each other, couples can approach the formal disclosure process with less pain, more intention and compassion, and potentially more realistic expectations. This discussion highlights the importance of patience, education, and therapeutic support in healing betrayal trauma.Tony shares the continuing evolution of his therapeutic approach for working with betrayal trauma, building off of his work with hundreds of couples over the past decade. Tony emphasizes the need to intentionally delay full disclosure until a strong foundation of emotional skills and mutual understanding is built. He explains how therapists must remain differentiated and confident in their methods to guide couples through this challenging process. By focusing on the concepts of memory, certainty, emotional immaturity, and effective communication, Tony and Marla offer valuable insights for anyone navigating the painful path of betrayal trauma.If you are interested in contacting or working with Marla, reach out to her at marlachristensencounseling@gmail.com00:00 Welcome Back to the Virtual Couch00:24 Understanding Dual Licensing01:50 The Licensing Exam Experience02:31 Introducing the Controversial Theory on Betrayal Trauma03:39 The Concept of Formal Disclosure06:34 Personal Experiences with Staggered Disclosure09:15 Confabulation and Memory Mechanisms15:55 Therapeutic Approaches to Betrayal Trauma19:03 Recognizing Signs of Discouragement20:48 The Two-Choice Dilemma22:46 Understanding Memory and Its Challenges27:10 The Quest for Certainty in Relationships34:39 The Concept of Lying and Its Implications36:19 Final Thoughts and ReflectionsTo learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25.

Understanding the interplay between expectations and emotions can not only help you stay more grounded, but it can also significantly impact your relationships in a positive way. In this e...

Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the critical role of differentiation in personal development and relationship growth. Sharing the story of a couple, Lisa and Mike, Tony illustrates how unresolved childhood dynamics can lead to emotional stagnation and superficial interactions in adulthood. He delves into the concepts of differentiation and emotional maturity, drawing on the theories of psychologists Murray Bowen and David Schnarch to explain how individuals can maintain their sense of self while fostering deep, meaningful connections with others. Tony offers actionable insights on embracing individuality, managing emotional reactivity, and the importance of self-soothing for achieving a balanced and fulfilling relationship dynamic.00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch: Introductions and Announcements01:20 Unpacking Emotional Baggage: Lisa and Mike's Story04:27 The Dynamics of Disagreements: Analyzing Conflict Patterns07:40 Embracing Discomfort for Growth: A Therapeutic Perspective12:59 Understanding Differentiation: A Deep Dive into Emotional Maturity18:52 From Bowen to Schnarch: Exploring Theories of Differentiation22:20 Applying Differentiation: Real-Life Implications and Strategies24:20 Breaking Familial Patterns and Emotional Systems25:00 The Impact of Parental Emotions on Children27:05 Exploring Schnarch's Concepts on Differentiation28:19 Applying Differentiation in Relationships32:24 The Importance of Emotional Maturity and Self-Work35:24 Navigating Relationship Dynamics and Individual Growth39:47 Embracing Differentiation for a Fulfilling Relationship43:22 Practical Takeaways for Personal and Relationship GrowthTo learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-coursePlease follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program,

Tony shares his recent experiences with change, moving, and personal growth. Tony discusses the unexpected lessons learned from moving out of his home after 25 years, selling items on Facebook Marketplace, dealing with moving trucks, and the psychology of facing unknown challenges. He reflects on how accepting and navigating through the discomfort of change has provided opportunities for growth and understanding. Tony emphasizes the importance of mindfulness, making decisions amidst uncertainty, and the value of experiencing life's twists and turns. This episode encourages listeners to embrace change as a pathway to self-discovery and personal development. Tony references the article "Your Brain Thinks Change is a Good as Rest" by E. Paul Zehr, Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/black-belt-brain/202210/your-brain-thinks-change-is-as-good-as-rest (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/black-belt-brain/202210/your-brain-thinks-change-is-as-good-as-rest)00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch: A Dive into Change and Personal Growth00:39 The Therapist's Couch: More Than Just Furniture01:59 Embracing Change: Personal Stories and Professional Insights02:20 The Move to Arizona: A Catalyst for Reflection and Growth06:41 Understanding Fatigue: Physical and Mental Aspects22:47 The Power of Discomfort in Personal Growth25:03 Procrastination and the Promise of Change25:24 Exploring Fatigue: Internal vs. External Causes27:16 The Personal Journey of Embracing Change28:06 The Power of Meditation and Mindfulness30:19 Moving Adventures: Decluttering and Preparing34:26 Navigating the Real Estate and Moving Process39:14 Learning from the Unexpected: Sales and Acceptance46:53 Reflections on Growth, Decisions, and Mental HealthTo learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-coursePlease follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

In the 7th installment of the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" series, Tony Overbay, LMFT, presents a compelling crossover episode between The Virtual Couch and Waking Up to Narcissism. This episode delves into the complex journey of healing and empowerment for individuals who have survived relationships characterized by emotional immaturity, narcissism, and controlling behavior. Through a blend of personal narratives and expert analysis, Tony shares the nuanced and significant harm inflicted by the 'Death by a Thousand Cuts' phenomenon—a metaphor highlighting the cumulative effect of repeated emotional injuries from narcissistic and emotionally immature partners.Addressing key issues such as emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, sexual abuse within the relationship, manipulation, boundaries vs. ultimatums, and the critical need for self-validation, Tony provides listeners with practical coping strategies. These strategies underscore the importance of self-reflection, seeking professional guidance, and engaging with supportive communities as vital steps in shedding the lingering effects of controlling relationships.This episode aims to reassure listeners that they are not isolated in their experiences of unhealthy relationships. It also serves as a resource for those seeking to support family members entangled in abusive dynamics, offering insight into effective ways to provide meaningful support beyond mere words of encouragement. Tony seeks to empower listeners to recognize their inherent worth and foster healthy, mature connections by advocating for relationships grounded in respect and empathy.00:00 Welcome to the Crossover Episode: Unpacking Narcissism and Emotional Immaturity00:37 Why Today's Episode Matters: Exploring 'Death by a Thousand Cuts'01:58 Moving Week and Virtual Client Opportunities03:58 Understanding Emotional Cuts and Their Impact05:58 The Challenge of Seeking Validation and Understanding09:24 Creating Supportive Spaces for Emotional Growth12:36 Diving into Real-Life Stories of Emotional Immaturity23:49 The Frustrating Dynamics of Emotional Immaturity in Relationships33:57 Navigating the Complexities of Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism34:54 The Emotional Toll of Unvalidated Feelings36:07 Navigating Emotional Safety in Relationships36:19 The Subtle Manipulations of Emotional Abuse37:00 Parenting Amidst Emotional Manipulation38:29 Understanding the Impact of Emotional Abuse Through Stories46:33 The Role of Pornography in Emotionally Immature Relationships01:00:43 Financial Control and Emotional Abuse01:07:45 Finding Healing and Empowerment