The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with Mismatched Sex Drives

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.
  • 5.0 (18)
  • SEXUALITY
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

Mismatched libidos destroying your relationship? Dr. Laura Jurgens helps couples solve desire differences with proven methods—even when therapy fails. This intimacy coach and former professor helps couples navigate different sexual needs with research-based solutions that actually work.  This isn't about forcing different sex drives to align. It's about understanding why you want different amounts of sex, learning to talk about it without fighting, and creating intimacy that works for both partners. Even if you're feeling rejected, lonely, guilty, broken, or ashamed for having needs—you're not. You're just missing the tools to bridge your desire discrepancy. Every episode delivers practical strategies you can use immediately: how to boost desire, communicate without defensiveness, understand different arousal types, and reconnect with your body so intimacy feels natural again. Whether traditional relationship counseling hasn't helped or you're avoiding couples therapy altogether, these approaches work for the intimacy issues that most therapists aren't trained to handle. Ready to stop the pursue-withdraw pattern that's creating distance and resentment? Get the science-backed roadmap to authentic connection that honors both partners' needs. No ads. Just proven advice that works. Disclosure: expect explicit content and swearing!

  1. 5D AGO

    Your brain is keeping you stuck in a desire gap (here's how to override it)

    You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to override it.  This episode helps you understand the neuroscience of "the comfortable pain trap," the real cost of waiting, and how to override your brain's resistance. Whether you're higher-desire or lower-desire, this episode will help you finally take action.  Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    44 min

  2. NOV 3

    ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 1: High libido, low libido, or sometimes both

    If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn't been working for your body or you're stuck in your head and you don't know why or how to fix it. Or maybe you're both, depending on the day. In this episode, we unpack why ADHD creates these extremes - from sex as self-medication to getting stuck in your head during sex to not knowing what your body actually needs. We also cover Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (why "not tonight" feels catastrophic) and emotional dysregulation (the intensity that confuses your partner). Whether you're the ADHD partner or the non-ADHD partner trying to understand, this episode will help you make sense of what's been happening. No shame, just clarity. First in a 4-part series on ADHD and desire gaps. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    33 min

  3. OCT 27

    Getting on the Same Team, Part 2: How to talk about sex without fighting

    You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse. In this episode, you get the exact framework for having the conversation that actually works to get you started on the road to solving your issues together. You'll learn how to check if you're calm enough for vulnerability, how to express your feelings without blame, how to hear your partner's pain without making it about your own inadequacy, and the step-by-step process for getting on the same team. This isn't theory – it's a practical, tested approach with real examples showing what conversations look like when you're adversarial versus when you're allied. You'll know exactly what to say, how to prepare, when to pause, and how to tell if it's working. Plus, clear signs for when you need outside help and what kind of support actually makes a difference. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    42 min

  4. OCT 20

    Getting on the Same Team, Part 1: Stop venting to friends and start solving the problem together

    You're both in pain about your desire gap, but you're processing it separately – venting to friends, talking to therapists, building separate narratives about what's wrong. Meanwhile, the gap between you keeps widening. Sound familiar? Most couples approach mismatched libidos like adversaries: one person wants more sex, one wants less, and now you're fighting about whose needs matter more. But when one of you loses, you both lose. In this episode, you'll learn why the adversarial approach never works, how to get underneath surface feelings like "frustrated" or "fine" to the real pain you're both experiencing, and why suppressing your feelings or only venting to others actually makes your desire gap worse. This is the foundation for everything that follows – getting vulnerable enough to stop fighting each other and start solving the problem together. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    30 min

  5. OCT 14

    What your body learned about love before you could talk: Healing attachment wounds with Dr. Aline LaPierre

    Why does your body shut down during intimacy even when your mind wants connection? Why does rejection trigger panic that feels way bigger than the situation? The answer might have nothing to do with your current relationship—and everything to do with attachment wounds living in your nervous system. In this episode, Laura talks with Dr. Aline LaPierre, creator of NeuroAffective Touch, about how our earliest experiences with touch shape everything about adult intimacy, sexuality, and connection. You'll learn: Why touch is our "first language" and how it creates our blueprint for relationshipsHow attachment wounds from childhood show up differently for higher-desire and lower-desire partnersWhy neglect and abuse create different patterns in the body—and how to recognize themThe difference between therapeutic touch and massage (and why it matters)How partners can support each other's nervous system healing without becoming therapistsWhy the body remembers what the mind has forgotten—and how to help it tell its storyReal examples of how couples use attuned touch for deep healingDr. LaPierre explains why traditional talk therapy often can't reach body-based trauma, and shares the vision behind bringing NeuroAffective Touch into intimate partnerships for the first time. Whether you're dealing with desire differences, struggling with touch aversion, or sensing that old wounds are affecting your intimacy, this conversation offers a completely different lens for understanding what's happening in your body. About Dr. Aline LaPierre: Creator of NeuroAffective Touch, President of the United States Association of Body Psychotherapy, and co-author of the bestselling book Healing Developmental Trauma (available in 14 languages). Find her at https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/ Plus: Learn about the groundbreaking couples course "Thriving Together" launching February 2026—the first systematic training for couples to support each other's attachment healing through touch. APPLY for the course "Thriving Together: Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch" here: https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together-application/ Perfect for anyone curious about somatic approaches to healing, body-based trauma work, and how our earliest experiences continue to shape us. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    52 min

  6. OCT 6

    Desire Solutions: Signs that you're rushing penetration & what to do instead

    Why does penetration feel painful, numb, or just... meh? And why does rushing to it kill desire over time? If you're experiencing pain or numbness during sex, struggling with low libido, or wondering why your partner seems less and less interested, this episode is for you. It reveals one of the most common desire killers: penetration before the body is actually ready. You'll learn how much time most female bodies need before reaching full arousal,  how to recognize true readiness for penetration, what to do if impatience is getting in the way, and how rushing this one thing can tank desire for years. Whether you're a higher-libido partner wondering why sex isn't appealing to your partner, or a lower-desire partner who's been crossing your body's boundaries so long that sex has become something to endure – this episode has practical solutions for both of you. Perfect for couples dealing with mismatched libidos, pain during sex, or anyone wanting to understand what bodies actually need for pleasurable, desire-building intimacy. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    28 min

  7. SEP 29

    Desire Killers & What To Do Instead: Pouting When You Don't Get Sex

    Tired of the cycle where you don't get sex, so you sulk, which makes your partner want sex even less? You're not alone – and you're definitely not getting the results you want. In this episode, we break down why pouting, withdrawal, and passive aggression after sexual rejection literally kills desire and pushes your partner further away. If you're the higher-libido partner feeling frustrated and acting out, or the lower-libido partner dealing with sulking and guilt trips, this episode is for you. You'll learn exactly why these behaviors backfire so spectacularly, what to do instead when you feel rejected or frustrated, and how both partners can break this desire-killing cycle. No shame, no blame – just practical tools to stop making things worse and start building the connection you actually want. Perfect for couples dealing with mismatched libidos, desire discrepancies, or anyone who wants better communication around sex and intimacy. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    36 min

  8. SEP 22

    Sex Help for Smart People Evolves to The Desire Gap Podcast: Unpacking The #1 Issue I See

    This episode is all about why I'm making a change in this podcast, including why that is going to be extra great for you as a listener. In fact, you're going to get even more of my focused expertise, aimed at the issue that affects 80% of people in relationships at some point: libido mismatch. I'm keeping all the no-nonsense, research-based, caring content you know me for. What you also get is laser-focused expertise on desire differences— the issue that touches virtually every other sexual and relationship challenge people face.  Here's why this matters: most marriage and family therapists have zero training in sexuality, leaving couples seeking help for their biggest relationship issue from professionals who are under-prepared. Most couples wait years before addressing desire differences, often making the gap harder to bridge. I've been on both sides of desire differences myself—zero desire periods where I felt broken and ashamed, and times as the higher-libido partner, when I felt  constantly rejected. My partner and I worked through both scenarios using the exact methods I teach clients, and we're now having the best sex of our lives. You'll hear transformation stories like my client who went from painful obligation sex twice a year to genuine pleasure and stronger communication in three months. I also preview upcoming episodes and guide you through a reflection exercise to assess your current relationship with desire. Whether you want more or less sex than your partner, feel rejected or pressured, this episode will help you understand why you're not broken and give you specific steps to start creating change immediately. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

    20 min
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About

Mismatched libidos destroying your relationship? Dr. Laura Jurgens helps couples solve desire differences with proven methods—even when therapy fails. This intimacy coach and former professor helps couples navigate different sexual needs with research-based solutions that actually work.  This isn't about forcing different sex drives to align. It's about understanding why you want different amounts of sex, learning to talk about it without fighting, and creating intimacy that works for both partners. Even if you're feeling rejected, lonely, guilty, broken, or ashamed for having needs—you're not. You're just missing the tools to bridge your desire discrepancy. Every episode delivers practical strategies you can use immediately: how to boost desire, communicate without defensiveness, understand different arousal types, and reconnect with your body so intimacy feels natural again. Whether traditional relationship counseling hasn't helped or you're avoiding couples therapy altogether, these approaches work for the intimacy issues that most therapists aren't trained to handle. Ready to stop the pursue-withdraw pattern that's creating distance and resentment? Get the science-backed roadmap to authentic connection that honors both partners' needs. No ads. Just proven advice that works. Disclosure: expect explicit content and swearing!

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