32 episodes

Communication, Conflict Resolution, Conflict Coaching, Conferences, Conversation, Complaints, Community, Creativity...And Other Stuff..including many other topics that arise from the world of Mediation and Conflict Resolution Support.

Alan Sharland is Director of CAOS Conflict Management in London, UK. He has been a Mediator since 1994 and now also trains Mediators and Conflict Coaches in skills that help people respond creatively to their unresolved conflicts - in the community, the family, the workplace, with organisations.

CAOS - Promoting Mindful Communication, Growth Through Conflict

CAOS Alan Sharland

    • Society & Culture
    • 5.0 • 2 Ratings

Communication, Conflict Resolution, Conflict Coaching, Conferences, Conversation, Complaints, Community, Creativity...And Other Stuff..including many other topics that arise from the world of Mediation and Conflict Resolution Support.

Alan Sharland is Director of CAOS Conflict Management in London, UK. He has been a Mediator since 1994 and now also trains Mediators and Conflict Coaches in skills that help people respond creatively to their unresolved conflicts - in the community, the family, the workplace, with organisations.

CAOS - Promoting Mindful Communication, Growth Through Conflict

    It Doesn't Matter If We DON'T AGREE! What Matters is HOW WE DISAGREE!

    It Doesn't Matter If We DON'T AGREE! What Matters is HOW WE DISAGREE!

    In this podcast Alan discusses the perceived need for 'agreement' in order to move forward in many difficult situations. Very often this can be the cause of not moving forward in such situations because an obsession with and sense of dependency on 'the other person(s)' agreement being necessary. In many situations this is not essential for moving forward and people's focus on agreement being necessary can lead to personal comments, coercive behaviour, abuse and even violence in order to try to 'control' their views and ensure their agreement. 

    Where we can come to an acceptance of someone else's different point of view it means we can focus on what we can do without that requirement for agreement being in place. An understanding of their reasons for not agreeing with us and having a different perspective, without seeing that openness to hearing and understanding them as a threat to our own perspective can provide us with various creative opportunities in our own moving forward, even where we find it baffling that the other person could hold such a view. 

    Enabling our focus to be on continuing on our own journey rather than trying to force others to join us allows for disagreement without destructiveness, abuse or even violence. Instead it provides an opportunity for acceptance, non-dependence, openness to other possibilities and allows the focus of our energy on the creation of new ways forward rather than the destruction of the other and their viewpoints, the worst situations of course being where we try to destroy both. 

    Disagreement, when carried through constructively, can be a humbling, stimulating, creative opportunity for evolving and adapting instead of a destructive experience of entrenchment, despair, frustration and 'war'. 

    Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for over 26 years working in a wide range of dispute situations including neighbour disputes, workplace disputes, complaints (NHS, Special Educational Needs, University Student), group disputes and others.

    He was Director of a community mediation service in West London for 11 years and now runs CAOS Conflict Management. https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk

    Connect with Alan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alansharland

    If you would like Conflict Coaching via Skype or FaceTime or Zoom, please contact Alan via this webpage: https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/conflict-coaching.html

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict/

    Visit the Communication and Conflict website:  https://www.communicationandconflict.com

    Books and ebooks:

    The Simple Effective Skills of Conflict Resolution e-book https://www.communicationandconflict.com/conflict_resolution_skills.html

    How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316

    A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221

    CREDITS

    Outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: https://music.apple.com/us/album/hollowman/677559200

    • 23 min
    ANGER Is A Natural Source of Energy for Useful Change! This Podcast Addresses How to use Anger Constructively, not Destructively!

    ANGER Is A Natural Source of Energy for Useful Change! This Podcast Addresses How to use Anger Constructively, not Destructively!

    This podcast explores and distinguishes between what helps anger to be acknowledged and then used constructively to create useful change and what prevents that possibility when it is used destructively towards vandalism, abuse and violence. It leads to 6 main points about how to use our anger constructively rather than be ‘taken over’ by it and misdirect it towards destructive actions.   

    This podcast was inspired by terrorist and tragic events in London and Manchester in May/June 2017  including the Grenfell Tower fire in West London, and the different ways of responding to these events shown by different members of the community, media and politicians.   

    The aim of the podcast is to help listeners reflect on their intentions for how to use their anger and to direct it towards aims that benefit everyone rather than continue and escalate the personal criticisms and even violence, abuse and destruction that can sometimes follow such events.  

    If you would like further support for asking questions in the way described in the podcast, please see this video on the use of effective open questions that support conflict resolution: https://youtu.be/A8l1x9Qn1b0  

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict  

    Visit the Communication and Conflict website:  https://www.communicationandconflict.com   

    Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for over 26 years working in a wide range of dispute situations including neighbour disputes, workplace disputes, complaints (NHS, Special Educational Needs, University Student), group disputes and others.

    He was Director of a community mediation service in West London for 11 years and now runs CAOS Conflict Management. https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk

    Connect with Alan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alansharland

    If you would like Conflict Coaching via Skype or FaceTime, please contact Alan via this webpage: https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/conflict-coaching.html

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict/

    Visit the Communication and Conflict website:  https://www.communicationandconflict.com

    Books and ebooks:

    The Simple Effective Skills of Conflict Resolution e-book https://www.communicationandconflict.com/conflict_resolution_skills.html  

    How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316

    A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221

    CREDITS

    Outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: https://music.apple.com/us/album/hollowman/677559200

    • 26 min
    HOW OUR LANGUAGE CAN ENTRENCH US in a VICTIMHOOD MINDSET or it can HELP US TO RELEASE OURSELVES FROM IT!

    HOW OUR LANGUAGE CAN ENTRENCH US in a VICTIMHOOD MINDSET or it can HELP US TO RELEASE OURSELVES FROM IT!

    In this podcast, Alan explores the ways in which a 'victimhood mindset' can become established within us if we don't stop to consider how we speak about our difficult situations. It will often be that simple changes in how we say things....developing more 'mindful communication'....will help us to review how we are seeing our difficult situations and in turn change how we are dealing with them in ways that feel more personally powerful, more active and from less of a position of victimhood.  

    See the video of this podcast at this link: https://youtu.be/Z7rTP-HLA_Q

    The video Alan refers to later in the podcast about a quote by Eckhart Tolle can be found at this link: Contemplations on Conflict: ECKHART TOLLE - ON AN UNCONSCIOUS LEVEL, YOU DO NOT WANT POSITIVE CHANGE https://youtu.be/Whb4Mnik3Ys  

    Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for over 25 years working in a wide range of dispute situations including neighbour disputes, workplace disputes, complaints (NHS, Special Educational Needs, University Student), group disputes and others.

    He was Director of a community mediation service in West London for 11 years and now runs CAOS Conflict Management. https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk

    Connect with Alan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alansharland

    Alan's book 'How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All' provides further insight into the ways in which mediation, conflict coaching and particular management approaches to workplace disputes can enable more effective resolution of those disputes.  https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316

    If you would like Conflict Coaching via Skype or FaceTime, please contact Alan via this webpage: https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/conflict-coaching.html  

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict/  

    Visit the Communication and Conflict website:  https://www.communicationandconflict.com

    BOOKS How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316

    A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221

    CREDITS

    Intro/outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: https://music.apple.com/us/album/hollowman/677559200

    • 32 min
    WHY MOST WORKPLACE BULLYING + HARASSMENT POLICIES DON'T WORK + HOW THEY COULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE!

    WHY MOST WORKPLACE BULLYING + HARASSMENT POLICIES DON'T WORK + HOW THEY COULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE!

    In this podcast, also available as a video on youtube, Alan outlines what he sees as the 6 main flaws that occur in most 'bullying and harassment' policies which lead to inevitable frustration and ineffectiveness as a response to bullying and also in some cases to harassment. He then goes on to detail the reasons why these are significant flaws and the ways in which such policies can be much improved - including the greater effectiveness and clarity that would arise if there were separate policies for bullying and for harassment in recognition of their different legal statuses.  

    See the video of this podcast at this link: https://youtu.be/smoWRKWIQbY

    Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for over 25 years working in a wide range of dispute situations including neighbour disputes, workplace disputes, complaints (NHS, Special Educational Needs, University Student), group disputes and others.  

    He was Director of a community mediation service in West London for 11 years and now runs CAOS Conflict Management. https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk 

    Alan's book 'How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All' provides further insight into the ways in which mediation, conflict coaching and particular management approaches to workplace disputes can enable more effective resolution of workplace disputes.  https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316  

    If you would like Conflict Coaching via Skype for FaceTime, please contact Alan via this webpage: https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/conflict-coaching.html  Connect with Alan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alansharland

    If you are looking for consultancy and support in relation to developing more considered, effective bullying and harassment policies, please contact Alan via this webpage: https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/enquiry-page.html  

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict/  Visit the Communication and Conflict website:  https://www.communicationandconflict.com   

    BOOKS How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316  

    A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221  

    CREDITS 

    Intro/outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: https://music.apple.com/us/album/hollowman/677559200  

    • 45 min
    The Illusion of Bullying, The Reality of Harassment

    The Illusion of Bullying, The Reality of Harassment

    In this podcast, Alan talks about the 'illusion' of bullying where a common difficulty for people having difficult relationship challenges at work is that if they wish to prove it is bullying  it "...is like a ghost, we may think we have seen it, but if we try to pin it down in order to prove it exists we find ourselves clutching at thin air." Investigations into bullying allegations commonly fail to come to a conclusion and while they continue and also at their inconclusive end, the people involved experience various emotional and psychological challenges and will often be signed off work as a result of diagnosed stress. The usual processes involved in investigating bullying leave those affected feeling passive and powerless to have any influence over their situation. This arises predominantly because no legal definition of bullying exists and so any attempts to ascertain whether it has occurred or not are thwarted by the subjectivity of the situation. This leads to accusations of a cover-up or a white wash or conspiracy but in fact it is due to the fundamentally ineffective and unworkable attempt to respond to bullying in the same way as harassment is responded to. But harassment IS legally defined and so proving its existence is not like 'proving you have seen a ghost', it is real and observable and with sufficient evidence, a claim of harassment can more easily and effectively be proven. 

    Alan goes on to talk about various consequences of this confusion between the illusion of bullying and the reality of harassment and why bullying allegations need to be treated differently - to the extent that letting go of the very idea of 'bullying' in order to focus on more specific and useful descriptions of the difficult behaviours involved in any broken or difficult workplace relationship would be a more effective way of dealing with the situation. This is where mediation and conflict coaching and effective management practices are more suitable in that their focus is not on 'proving that bullying has occurred' and so that unnecessary detour can be avoided. Instead, those directly involved can play an active role in improving the situation through being supported to restore the broken relationship and create a new way of interacting that is more respectful, creative and productive than that which existed previously. 

    YouTube video by Lawyer about  Fair Work Commission https://youtu.be/wWzCj9jUaMA

    Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for over 25 years working in a wide range of dispute situations including neighbour disputes, workplace disputes, complaints (NHS, Special Educational Needs, University Student), group disputes and others.

    He was Director of a community mediation service in West London for 11 years and now runs CAOS Conflict Management. https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk

    If you would like Conflict Coaching via Skype for FaceTime, please contact Alan via this webpage:

    https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/conflict-coaching.html

    Connect with Alan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alansharland

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict/

    Visit the Communication and Conflict website: https://www.communicationandconflict.com

    BOOKS:

    How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316

    A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221

    CREDITS

    Outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: https://music.apple.com/us/album/hollowman/677559200

    • 31 min
    Avoid 'negative people' or 'energy vampires' and become agoraphobic and powerless instead!

    Avoid 'negative people' or 'energy vampires' and become agoraphobic and powerless instead!

    There are many social media posts that advocate 'staying away from negative people' as a way of living life to the full and to achieve 'happiness'. In this video and podcast Alan talks about the many downsides to this approach to life that are not often considered in such suggestions, initially that simply to see someone as 'negative' is in itself 'negative' and so it would seem we then must have to stay away from ourselves! This self-contradiction or hypocrisy will then often lead to an approach to life where we persistently cut ourselves off from more and more. people as their inevitable human 'negativity' emerges in the relationship we have with them. Indeed some people reach a recognition that they have always cut ties with someone when they have felt upset as a consequence of the person's actions and as a consequence they have become isolated or even 'agoraphobic' with regard to going out and engaging with people in case they come across the growing number of people they see as 'negative' or 'energy vampires'. 

    The phrase 'energy vampire' is applied to people who are seen as 'sucking the life out of us' as if anyone has that capacity and, again, ignores our own part in any such experience that if someone shares a personal difficulty they are having with us, we are worn out by it when we feel we have to 'fix' them as a consequence or 'take on their burden' when simply listening without that self-created expectation is more healthy both for the person experiencing difficulty and for us in that we can listen without feeling we have to take over and carry the difficulty the person is communicating about for them! The sense of 'life being sucked out of us' is a misinterpretation as that is, of course, impossible, but if we feel tired from the listening to someone speaking about their life challenges it will be because we are trying to take on something we have no power to do and so we are tiring ourselves out by doing this. They are not 'energy vampires' we are trying to 'rescue' them and control something we have no control over....that will inevitably be tiring. 

    This is the article by Nikki Sapp that Alan refers to in the podcast: https://fractalenlightenment.com/32288/life/how-to-find-yourself-through-your-perception-of-others

    Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for over 25 years working in a wide range of dispute situations including neighbour disputes, workplace disputes, complaints (NHS, Special Educational Needs, University Student), group disputes and others.

    He was Director of a community mediation service in West London for 11 years and now runs CAOS Conflict Management. https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk

    If you would like Conflict Coaching via Skype for FaceTime, please contact Alan via this webpage: 

    https://www.caos-conflict-management.co.uk/conflict-coaching.html

    Connect with Alan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alansharland

    Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/communicationandconflict/

    Visit the Communication and Conflict website: https://www.communicationandconflict.com

    BOOKS written by Alan:

    How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-Bullying-Workplace-Effective/dp/1511941316

    A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221

    CREDITS 

    Outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: https://music.apple.com/us/album/hollowman/677559200

    Images from www.pixabay.com and www.unsplash.com 

    • 24 min

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