Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Love this show. Commenting on the latest episode regarding the poly couple’s feedback to Esther. I did feel like Esther was hinting that he needed to work on himself. And that the woman needed to unpack why she was so attached to someone who was staunchly against her stated beliefs. I agree that Esther did not seem to espouse much faith in the future of their relationship though she managed to refrain from stating as much. I don’t think that’s a critique of Esther. I think anyone listening to their podcast would have the same questions Esther had I.e. why are you holding on so tightly? I’m glad things are going well for them. A therapist is not an oracle. It’s fine to use your desire to prove the therapist wrong as a launchpad to fix your relationship - at least the session was effective

Esther, please stop doing sessions about AI “relationships” as though they are common and worth discussion. It’s akin to those shows where someone says they are in love with their blender or something equally ridiculous. Let’s treat this like the fringe nonsense it is, rather than something the broad majority relates to in any way. I used to really enjoy this podcast for its highly intellectual and thoughtful discussion of relationship dynamics. However, now, most episodes are about AI, poly relationships, or other clickbaity content meant to shock, rather than authentic discussion of common relationship dynamics. The AI episodes are certainly the most offputting of the bunch. AI slop is embraced by the stupidest among us and not worth serious discussion in this forum, on a therapeutic/relationship podcast. Anyone approaching you with an “AI girlfriend” is already starting in the wrong, and should be met with one answer—it’s not a real partner, turn it off. End of story. And whoever is with a partner who is engaging in an AI relationship should take that as their signal to run.

I was stunned and very surprised when I heard the woman’s point of view in addition to her experience of her session with Esther. Often I replay Ester’s podcast several times Certain ones are extra rich that I like to take it in and listen again with a fresh ear. This was a Podcast I replayed and listened to it throughly prior to the after session feedback. I am stunned because I did not hear anything remotely close to what the woman heard or felt. It’s so interesting to me how people can listen to the same words but take them in differently.. It reminded me of a session I had decades ago when I was going through a divorce. My therapist was telling me something I did not want to hear. The more she guided me and tried to help me lean into this issue , the more angry I became. The more she spoke , the more I rejected her invitation to see my problem from a different perspective and let go of the barriers in my way. I needed to divorce to be in a healthy environment again , but I had a tremendous amount of guilt and pain. Therapy was very hard work. So instead , I pushed back against my therapist , I disagreed , I yelled , and I blamed her instead ! Until , I finally accepted the path of surrender , for the greater good of personal growth. I knew the truth the whole time. I knew what I had to accept and I knew what I needed to change. I see the woman in the post session podcast doing the same dance as I did. She’s holding on tight to her wishes regarding her partner because the truths are painful. He was simply unable to give her what she wanted for a very long time so she gave him an ultimatum. And that terrified her so she distorted her post session and dumped it on Esther instead. I believe she knows the truth. She’s simply unable to accept it at this time. I hope their plan works for them. I wish her well. This is what I heard : I heard and felt a tone of condescendence with a touch of hierarchy in her voice when she critiqued her session with Esther. It felt a bit disrespectful , a bit spiteful. She commented (or implied) several behaviors of Ester’s that I did not hear or interpret in the same manner as she presented in her post feedback podcast. I thought Esther was sensitive, thoughtful , empathetic , and very compassionate and understanding to her partners difficulties. - K S.

I would’ve never guessed that she was thinking or feeling that way during your post-feedback session or even that their communication has been more open and transparent. Couples therapy versus time apart to make things right before for both parties before beginning couples, seems like one of those cyclical traps. Not all consultation sessions are bifurcation points and this definitely sounds like a closed system at this point, which again is shocking to me given her readiness for change. Maybe there is no other way to exist for her than live with the hurt while she waits; sublimation? Maybe. But this sounds more like displacement to me.