Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Esther Perel is incredible in her ability to psycho analyze compassionately, intellectually, cross-culturally, playfully and thoughtfully. However, I felt she got it wrong in this latest episode of “Can I still be a good man if I leave?” My sense is that she approached this man’s dilemma as she would in couples therapy - focusing too much on the outcome of the couple rather than the immediate needs of the individual. I also felt that she missed the opportunity to challenge his fears, concerns and self deprecation around sex, arousal, and the desire to be wanted by none other than his wife. This man was so self aware that part of me wanted to scream - leave your wife, she has castrated you physically and now emotionally! Perel didn’t give him the olive branch he was looking for but rather reinforced conventional notions of commitment at the cost of one’s own happiness and sexual desires. I was disappointed and surprised by her advice given her track record of sexual liberation and alternative pathways to togetherness. I believe that’s what he was looking for by reaching out, but, of course I’m not the expert. LOVE her but had to share my thoughts on this one. Xo

Esther is very knowledgeable and understanding with each client. She’s truly amazing and accomplishes a lot in a short amount of time. You can tell how naturally it comes to her due to experience and expertise. I always learn something from each episode I listen to and get a little emotional, connecting to either what the client or Esther says. I’m so interested in human behavior and how our brains work, and always looking to grow as a better person. Thank you for all you do, Esther! Truly enjoy this podcast and hoping I get the privilege to be on an episode one day.

I was screaming here when you told him be adamant about taking a break with her WITHOUT the KEY HE HAS TO GET HIS LAZY CHECKED OUT IRESPONSINLE AS UP AND TAKE ON TASKS NOT ASK HER BEVA MAN AND THEN SHE WILL LISTEN AND STOP WITH HIM

I love this show and I’m compelled to leave a review after hearing the feedback on the episode “I gave him an ultimatum..” I felt that Esther was dead on in her advice to the woman in the relationship. I got the feeling that this guy is manipulative and she is very susceptible. Esther made insights that made him uncomfortable because he is used to everyone believing him and she saw easily through his lies and the way he kept trying to change the conversation to center himself as the victim. At the end of the session, it seemed like the woman wasn’t happy but was beginning to break through. It’s likely that he later “ended” the other relationships (or told her he did), as a big show only days after the session . It’s no surprise that he’d been “working on it” for years but only took this step when he felt himself losing control over her. I would guess he also worked to influence his partner’s perception of the session, and this was the reason for the tone of her feedback. All of this as well as the woman’s description of the relationship, which felt more like love bombing than a healthy dynamic, leads me to believe that this guy is toxic and she is falling for it. I think Esther picked up on his shady tactics and he didn’t like it. I appreciate Esther’s commitment to self evaluating, but I also think that just because someone doesn’t like what is said in therapy, doesn’t mean it was wrong or shouldn’t have been said. It may be that she thinks back to this session while he continues to mistreat and lie to her for the next five years, before she finally realizes the insight here.