Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

Steve Moore & Mark Kastleman
  • 4.4 (200)
  • Sexuality
  • Weekly

Two sex addicts in long-term successful recovery are ALSO world-class Counselors who specialize in porn and sex addiction recovery. Drawing on 40 years of combined personal and professional experience, Mark and Steve get RAW and REAL about HOW to overcome addiction, heal betrayal trauma and save your marriage. If you're struggling with addiction—we get it. Recovery is hard. We've been there. We'll help you take the fight to your addiction like never before. If you're married to an addict—we KNOW what it's like to nearly destroy a marriage! We'll help you understand the world of your husband's addiction and begin healing your betrayal trauma, regardless of what he decides to do. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to keep suffering. We've made all the mistakes so you don't have to. Take back your life. Take back your marriage. Let's do this together! This is the PBSE podcast. 

  1. 6d ago

    The POWER of Having & Moving Toward Your True Coupleship's Vision!

    (Episode 356)  When pornography addiction, sexual betrayal, dishonesty, and emotional neglect have devastated a relationship, the recovery and healing journey can easily become consumed with everything that's WRONG. The focus becomes stopping the pornography, preventing the lies, confronting defensiveness, establishing boundaries, and trying desperately to avoid another betrayal. While all those efforts are critically important, we challenge addicts in recovery, betrayed partners in healing, and coupleships in mending to ask a powerful question: Are you spending more energy focused on what you're running FROM—or what you're actually running TOWARD? Through a betrayed partner's heartbreaking submission about her husband's ongoing emotional immaturity, avoidance, and apparent resentment toward the demands of recovery, we explore why merely eliminating destructive behaviors isn't enough. Genuine recovery requires a fundamental transformation in how we view ourselves, our deepest values, and the future we're trying to create. For addicts, this means moving beyond a recovery mentality centered on deprivation, punishment, shame, and everything they're being forced to give up. Real recovery isn't simply about becoming someone who no longer watches pornography, lies, or engages in sexual acting out. It's about becoming a man of integrity, accountability, empathy, emotional maturity, and authentic connection. We discuss how addiction can stunt emotional growth, how shame can keep individuals trapped in avoidance and defensiveness, and why reconnecting with our deepest authentic wants and needs provides a much more powerful motivation for lasting change. For betrayed partners, this same principle means recognizing that their healing journey deserves to be about more than managing their partner's addiction, anticipating the next betrayal, or trying to prevent further harm. Both individuals can identify what truly matters to them, set boundaries that honor those values, and begin moving intentionally toward the lives they genuinely want—whether or not the coupleship ultimately survives. Finally, we explore how to transform an authentic coupleship vision into something practical, realistic, and achievable. What would your relationship look like three to five years from now if it were characterized by genuine honesty, emotional safety, mutual respect, healthy communication, friendship, and intimacy? Instead of only identifying what's broken, what if you started intentionally developing the qualities, habits, and behaviors that could make that vision possible? Using examples involving sexual intimacy, emotional confidence, and communication, we demonstrate how a long-term vision can be translated into small, measurable steps taken today, followed by consistent accountability, assessment, and continued growth. We also acknowledge why betrayed partners may struggle to embrace another vision after years of broken promises, and why genuine change must be demonstrated through actions rather than words. The ultimate message is that recovery and healing cannot be only about escaping the pain of the past. Their greatest potential lies in discovering who we truly want to become, what kind of life and relationship we deeply desire, and taking intentional steps toward that vision—one day, one choice, and one meaningful action at a time! For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   The POWER of Having & Moving Toward Your True Coupleship's Vision! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  2. Oct 19

    His Betrayal Didn't Just Destroy Our Marriage—It Stole the Joy of Motherhood!

    (Episode 355)  Can betrayal trauma become so severe that it robs a mother of the emotional connection and joy she expected to experience with her own child? In this powerful PBSE episode, we respond to a betrayed partner whose husband has spent more than a decade engaging in pornography addiction, secrecy, and sexual betrayal—including visiting escorts during their efforts to conceive and during pregnancy, and pursuing further sexual acting out after their son was born. Now, with a two-year-old son and a marriage she is preparing to leave, this mother describes a heartbreaking reality: despite loving, playful moments with her child, she has never experienced the overwhelming maternal love other mothers describe. Instead, motherhood feels exhausting, emotionally empty, and sometimes regretful. She wonders whether something is terribly wrong with her and fears that her difficulty bonding with her son may traumatize him for life. We explore how chronic betrayal trauma can destabilize an individual's entire emotional world, extending far beyond the relationship with the betraying spouse. Years of deception, hypervigilance, anxiety, grief, and emotional exhaustion can leave a betrayed partner's nervous system overwhelmed and operating in survival mode, sometimes diminishing access to both painful and positive emotions. When betrayal occurs during pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood, those experiences can also become intertwined with traumatic memories and emotional pain. Yet we emphasize a crucial distinction: not feeling love in the expected way does not mean someone is incapable of loving. This mother continues to connect meaningfully with her son through play, presence, affection, and responsiveness. We explore the principle of connection before feelings—how consistent, intentional acts of love can help create opportunities for deeper emotional attachment to grow, even when natural feelings are difficult to access. Ultimately, we want this mother and every betrayed partner experiencing similar emotional numbness to understand that trauma-related struggles do not automatically mean they are defective parents or that their children are destined for lifelong attachment difficulties. Betrayal's emotional devastation is real, but it doesn't have to determine the future. We discuss the importance of separating the trauma caused by the betraying spouse from other meaningful relationships, recognizing that ending the marriage doesn't automatically resolve unresolved trauma. We encourage self-compassion, continued individual healing, appropriate professional support for postpartum depression and attachment concerns, connection with other mothers, and intentional moments of loving engagement with her child. His betrayal may have stolen much of the joy she expected from motherhood, but with healing, support, and consistent connection, there is genuine hope that she can reclaim that joy and build an increasingly meaningful bond with her son. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   His Betrayal Didn't Just Destroy Our Marriage—It Stole the Joy of Motherhood! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  3. Oct 12

    How Unresolved Trauma Can DERAIL Recovery & Relationships!

    (Episode 354)  What happens when someone who has been sober from pornography or sexual addiction for ten years suddenly begins exhibiting the same unhealthy behaviors that once accompanied their addiction? In this episode, we address a heartbreaking submission from a betrayed partner whose husband initially made tremendous strides in recovery—attending and leading support meetings, becoming more loving and emotionally present, and rebuilding connection in their marriage. But after their child was sexually abused, triggering memories of his own childhood sexual trauma, everything began to unravel. He gradually abandoned his recovery support, withdrew emotionally, began lying again, escaped into video games, and became increasingly isolated from his wife and family. Now his wife wonders whether he's truly in recovery at all. We explore why sobriety and genuine emotional healing are not the same thing, and how someone can eliminate addictive sexual behaviors while continuing to carry the unresolved trauma, shame, fear, and dysfunctional coping patterns that helped fuel the addiction in the first place. Drawing from our own recovery experiences, we discuss how unresolved trauma can remain beneath the surface for years—even decades—until a major life event brings it flooding back. Whether it's the abuse of a child, the loss of a job, a serious illness, or even a major positive life transition such as becoming a parent, these experiences can expose emotional wounds and survival responses that sobriety alone hasn't resolved. When the old addiction is no longer available as a form of emotional medication, the individual may unconsciously turn toward other coping strategies, including isolation, secrecy, defensiveness, emotional shutdown, compulsive distractions, or new addictions. In fact, some of these destructive relational patterns can become even more pronounced after sexual acting out stops. We discuss why this doesn't necessarily erase previous recovery progress, but may signal the need for a deeper stage of healing—a kind of "Recovery 2.0" in which the individual moves beyond simply controlling behaviors to addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues that continue to undermine personal well-being and relationships. Finally, we explore what recovering addicts, betrayed partners, and couples can do when unresolved trauma threatens to derail years of progress. For betrayed partners, we discuss the possibility of approaching difficult conversations through genuine curiosity, vulnerability, and concern about their spouse's emotional well-being rather than repeatedly arguing about whether they're "really in recovery." At the same time, we emphasize that no partner can force another person to become vulnerable, confront their trauma, or take responsibility for healing. We examine the damaging belief that strength means carrying pain alone, the importance of maintaining meaningful recovery connections and accountability, and the powerful difference between two hurting partners retreating into isolation versus learning to face life's challenges together. Most importantly, we reinforce a foundational truth: trauma explains behavior, but it does not excuse it. Genuine recovery requires both compassion for past wounds and responsibility for present choices. The ultimate goal isn't simply freedom from addictive behaviors—it's becoming emotionally healthy, authentically connected, and capable of building relationships grounded in honesty, safety, vulnerability, and lasting trust. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   How Unresolved Trauma Can DERAIL Recovery & Relationships! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  4. Oct 5

    He Knew Porn Was a Dealbreaker—So Why Did He Marry Me Without Telling Me?

    (Episode 353)  A betrayed partner discovered after nearly eleven years of marriage that her husband had maintained a secret pornography addiction for more than twenty-five years. What makes the betrayal especially devastating is that he knew from the beginning that pornography violated her deeply held values and that, had she known the truth while they were dating, she would not have married him. She is therefore grieving far more than his pornography use. She is grieving the marriage she believed she consented to and wrestling with the realization that information essential to her decision-making was deliberately withheld. Her questions are painful and legitimate: If he loved me, why wasn't I enough motivation for him to stop? Why didn't he even try? And didn't he essentially make my choice for me by hiding something he knew could end the relationship? We explore the possible reasons behind this kind of deception while making a crucial distinction: there are reasons, but there are no excuses. Addiction, shame, fear of rejection, emotional immaturity, codependency and the desperate need to preserve a religious, relational or social facade can all contribute to secrecy. An addict may sincerely believe he loves his partner while still possessing an immature and dysfunctional capacity to practice love through honesty, vulnerability and respect for her agency. He may hide because he believes, If she sees the real me, she will never choose me. But by withholding the truth in order to control the outcome, he deprives her of the ability to make an informed choice. His willingness to recover now does not mean she suddenly became valuable; it may mean that his capacity to see her value, confront himself and live authentically is finally beginning to change. For the betrayed partner, healing is not about simply “getting over it.” She has the right to grieve, to feel anger, to take time, to establish boundaries and to decide what she authentically wants now. Acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is; it does not mean approving of what happened, forgetting it, immediately forgiving it or committing to remain in the marriage. If they choose to rebuild together, the process may require therapeutic disclosure, meaningful amends and consistent living amends over time. Most importantly, genuine recovery requires the addict to become a fundamentally more honest and transparent person—not merely someone who has stopped using pornography. Although her original ability to choose may have been compromised by deception, she can reclaim that agency now by deciding what safety, healing, trust and the future of the relationship will require. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  He Knew Porn Was a Dealbreaker—So Why Did He Marry Me Without Telling Me? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  5. Sep 28

    My Mother & Friends Think I'm Naive & Stupid for Staying with an Addict—Am I?!

    (Episode 352)  A betrayed partner wrote to us because, although her addict partner has recently become more proactive in recovery, she worries that her mother and friends now see her as weak, naive, or stupid for staying. Her mother previously left an addicted husband and later built a stable relationship, while her friends have traditionally held a strong “if he treats you badly, leave” position. That history creates enormous pressure, but another person’s path doesn't have to become hers. Staying with an addict is not automatically a sign of weakness, just as leaving is not automatically proof of strength. What matters is whether the decision is informed, authentic, and grounded in reality rather than fear, denial, pressure, or desperation. At the same time, staying cannot mean minimizing what is actually happening. Her partner’s willingness to eventually disclose slips matters, but waiting weeks or a month to tell the truth still reveals significant deficits in transparency and accountability. Real recovery is about much more than eventually confessing. It involves increasingly proactive honesty, understanding what led to slips or relapse, taking responsibility, engaging a recovery support system, developing empathy, and creating a concrete plan for change. A betrayed partner should not merely ask whether her partner is “trying”; she can look for a measurable upward trajectory in sobriety, honesty, emotional maturity, accountability, and relational safety over time. Perhaps most importantly, she does not have to decide today whether she will stay forever. Healthy commitment still includes agency and boundaries. She can choose the relationship today while retaining the right to reevaluate tomorrow based on her capacities, her values, her boundaries, and what her partner is actually doing. Friends and family may be motivated by genuine love and fear for her, and their perspective can be valuable, but they do not get to make the decision for her. Strength may sometimes mean leaving, and at other times it may mean staying with eyes wide open. The central question is not simply, “Am I staying?” but, “Can I remain in this relationship without abandoning myself, and is this relationship genuinely becoming healthier over time?” For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Mother & Friends Think I'm Naive & Stupid for Staying with an Addict—Am I?! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  6. Sep 22

    He Spent Decades Secretly Lusting—Now He Says Other Women Repulse Him—Should I Believe Him?

    (Episode 351)  A betrayed partner wrote to us about her husband’s roughly 33-year history of hidden lust addiction and a specific sexual fixation involving women’s bodies that remained secret throughout their 15-year relationship. Since D-Day about five months ago, he has thrown himself into recovery—attending meetings, working with a sponsor and therapist, completing disclosure, doing daily check-ins, eliminating old acting-out outlets, and practicing “custody of the eyes.” Yet what troubles his wife is his insistence that he now experiences zero slips, cravings, attractions, fantasies, or temptations and actually feels angry or repulsed when other women enter his field of vision. We cannot know exactly what is happening inside him, but we believe his reaction could be sincere. Early in recovery, addicts often become overwhelmed by the damage they have caused and recoil intensely from everything they associate with their addiction. The concern is that genuine repulsion is not necessarily the same thing as mature recovery. After decades of repetitive sexual conditioning, five months represents the beginning of change, not the completion of it. Strict avoidance may be useful in early sobriety, but if recovery becomes nothing more than “Don’t look, don’t feel, don’t notice, don’t be sexual,” it can turn into white-knuckling, fear, obsessive avoidance, or shame. Other women are not the problem, and sexuality itself is not the enemy. The deeper work is learning to live in a world with attractive people and human bodies while seeing others as whole human beings rather than objects, learning to notice attraction without feeding it, and developing the ability to engage sexuality with honesty, boundaries, mutuality, connection, and integrity. For this betrayed partner, the question does not have to be reduced to “Do I believe him or not?” His current feelings may be completely genuine while still reflecting early recovery immaturity, fear, or limited self-awareness. What will matter most is what happens over time. Does he become increasingly capable of acknowledging temptation without shame? Can he distinguish noticing from scanning and attraction from objectification? Can he be transparent even when the truth feels risky, rather than insisting everything is always “zero”? Healthy recovery ultimately moves beyond fear and repulsion toward freedom—the ability to experience whatever arises internally without being controlled by it, hiding it, or turning it into betrayal. His recovery will be demonstrated less by claiming he never feels anything and more by consistently showing that whatever he does feel can be met with honesty, self-awareness, and integrity. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   He Spent Decades Lusting—Now He Says Other Women Repulse Him—Should I Believe Him? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  7. Sep 16

    "I Choose You" Means Nothing If His Eyes and Actions Keep Choosing Others!

    (Episode 350)  For a betrayed partner, few things are more painful than hearing, “I choose you,” while continuing to discover that her partner’s eyes, attention, sexuality, and actions are still being directed toward other women. In this episode, we address the experience of a partner who believed her addict partner was genuinely recovering from pornography and sex addiction. They studied recovery together, discussed scanning and objectification, practiced check-ins, and talked repeatedly about what it meant for him to choose her. As her trust slowly returned, however, she discovered another relapse and learned that some of the behaviors she thought were changing—including lingering looks and objectification—had continued. Because she discovered these realities rather than receiving proactive disclosure, the second collapse of trust was especially devastating and left her wondering whether his promises to choose her meant anything at all. We emphasize that knowledge and recovery tools do not automatically create transformation. Pornography, fantasy, scanning, novelty-seeking, and objectification can be deeply entrenched patterns that have often been reinforced for many years. Genuine recovery therefore requires humility about the power of those patterns, consistent use of support and recovery tools, honest self-assessment, and a willingness to change circumstances when necessary. Recovery also does not mean never again experiencing attraction, sexuality, or even an unwanted lustful thought. Rather, we look for “progressive victory”—an increasing ability to recognize unhealthy sexual energy, interrupt it, refuse to feed fantasy or objectification, and bring struggles into honest connection rather than secrecy. Most importantly, recovery must move beyond words. “I choose you” should eventually become visible through proactive transparency, empathy for the damage caused, accountability, behavioral change, and active amends. For the betrayed partner, healing also involves reclaiming power that addiction and betrayal may have taken from her. His objectification is not evidence that she is inadequate, unattractive, or somehow “not enough.” His recovery is his responsibility, while her responsibility is to heal her own identity, establish meaningful boundaries, and determine what she is and is not willing to participate in. Boundaries cannot guarantee that he will never betray her again, because no intimate relationship can provide absolute guarantees, but they can give her a framework for responding to reality rather than trying to control him. He gets to decide whether he will recover, become transparent, and live with integrity; she gets to decide what his actual outcomes mean for her continued participation in the relationship. In the end, choosing a partner is not proven by repeatedly saying the right words—it is demonstrated through increasingly consistent honesty, sexual integrity, accountability, and actions that finally match those words. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   "I Choose You" Means Nothing If His Eyes and Actions Keep Choosing Others! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

  8. Sep 8

    His Relapses Hurt, but Ongoing Lies and Manipulation of Reality are the Real Crisis!

    (Episode 349) Relapse in pornography or sex addiction absolutely matters, but it is often not the most fundamental threat to a relationship. The deeper crisis is what happens when relapse is followed by secrecy, lying, minimizing, withholding, or manipulation of the betrayed partner’s reality. Addiction thrives in secrecy and avoidance, which is why genuine recovery must involve much more than simply stopping pornography, masturbation, or other acting-out behaviors. Sobriety without honesty can become little more than compliance or performance. Real recovery requires increasing alignment between a person’s internal life, stated values, words, and actions—in other words, integrity. There is an enormous difference between a relapse that an addict voluntarily discloses and one that a betrayed partner is forced to uncover. In both cases the sexual behavior may be the same, but in the first, the addict is practicing recovery by choosing truth over secrecy, taking responsibility, using his support system, and allowing his partner access to reality. In the second, the old addictive system remains active: hide, minimize, avoid consequences, and wait to see whether she discovers the truth. When this happens repeatedly, the betrayed partner is forced into the exhausting role of detective and becomes increasingly hypervigilant because experience has taught her that if she does not investigate, she may not know what is actually happening. For trust to rebuild, the addict must increasingly become the person who proactively brings reality into the relationship rather than waiting to be questioned or caught. Internal motivation becomes visible when he tells the truth even when it is uncomfortable, seeks recovery because it reflects the man he wants to become, and stops trying to control his partner’s choices by controlling the information she receives. Betrayed partners do not have to offer unlimited chances, particularly when honesty has been clearly communicated as a critical boundary. Ultimately, meaningful recovery is not simply learning how to stop acting out; it is learning how to live known—moving from secrecy to transparency, image management to accountability, compartmentalization to integrity, and manipulation of reality to genuine connection. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   His Relapses Hurt, but Ongoing Lies and Manipulation of Reality are the Real Crisis! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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4.4
out of 5
200 Ratings

About

Two sex addicts in long-term successful recovery are ALSO world-class Counselors who specialize in porn and sex addiction recovery. Drawing on 40 years of combined personal and professional experience, Mark and Steve get RAW and REAL about HOW to overcome addiction, heal betrayal trauma and save your marriage. If you're struggling with addiction—we get it. Recovery is hard. We've been there. We'll help you take the fight to your addiction like never before. If you're married to an addict—we KNOW what it's like to nearly destroy a marriage! We'll help you understand the world of your husband's addiction and begin healing your betrayal trauma, regardless of what he decides to do. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to keep suffering. We've made all the mistakes so you don't have to. Take back your life. Take back your marriage. Let's do this together! This is the PBSE podcast. 

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