The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with Mismatched Sex Drives

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.
  • 5.0 (23)
  • SEXUALITY
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

Mismatched libidos destroying your relationship? Dr. Laura Jurgens helps couples solve desire differences with proven methods—even when therapy fails. This intimacy coach and former professor helps couples navigate different sexual needs with research-based solutions that actually work.  This isn't about forcing different sex drives to align. It's about understanding why you want different amounts of sex, learning to talk about it without fighting, and creating intimacy that works for both partners. Even if you're feeling rejected, lonely, guilty, broken, or ashamed for having needs—you're not. You're just missing the tools to bridge your desire discrepancy. Every episode delivers practical strategies you can use immediately: how to boost desire, communicate without defensiveness, understand different arousal types, and reconnect with your body so intimacy feels natural again. Whether traditional relationship counseling hasn't helped or you're avoiding couples therapy altogether, these approaches work for the intimacy issues that most therapists aren't trained to handle. Ready to stop the pursue-withdraw pattern that's creating distance and resentment? Get the science-backed roadmap to authentic connection that honors both partners' needs. No ads. Just proven advice that works. Disclosure: expect explicit content and swearing!

  1. 3D AGO

    How do I fix my desire gap when my partner won't go to therapy?

    If you're ready to work on your desire gap but your partner won't go to therapy or coaching, this episode is for you. The answer to "can I actually fix this alone?" is yes — and today I break down exactly how individual work changes the entire relationship dynamic, even when only one person is ready to start. Drawing on systems theory and real client stories, we'll cover why waiting for your partner to be ready is costing you — and why going first is often the most powerful move you can make. You'll hear two real stories: a higher-libido partner who discovered what she actually needed (hint: it wasn't more sex), and a lower-libido partner who finally found their authentic "yes" by first owning her "no." In this episode: Why changing yourself changes the entire relationship systemThe two most common reasons people keep individual coaching private — and why both are completely validWhat actually happens when one partner goes first (it's not what you'd expect)Why lower-libido partners especially need solo time before couples workThe reality check: what your partner's response tells you about what's possibleWhether you're the higher-desire or lower-desire partner, you don't have to stay stuck waiting for someone else's timeline. Your growth ripples out. Always. 🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS NOW OPEN 10 spots available through March 4th. If you've tried therapy, books, and scheduled sex and you're still stuck— this is the work that actually addresses what's happening in your nervous system, your body, and your relationship. 6-month personalized coaching following a proven method, guaranteed for couples and individuals. Body-based. No blame, no shame. Both partners served equally. Enroll by March 4th and receive my curated set of 4 lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations—not the ones everyone recommends, the ones that actually move the needle. Details and free consultation bookings at: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    21 min

  2. FEB 9

    Is your 'low libido' actually your body setting boundaries?

    Avoiding sex? Feeling the "ick" when your partner initiates? Going to bed at 8pm to dodge intimacy? You probably think you have low libido. But what if that's not what's actually happening? In this vulnerable episode, I share my own story of years spent in what I call "the messy middle"—that phase where you've stopped having sex you don't want, but you haven't figured out what you DO want yet. From the outside, it looked like my libido vanished. But what was really happening? My body was setting boundaries after years of performing intimacy. I walk you through the three phases: passive withdrawal (where most people get stuck), learning to own your voice and have the hard conversation, and discovering your authentic pleasure. I also share the specific fears that keep people stuck—"What if talking about this makes it worse?"—and what actually helps you move forward. Note: This pattern happens most for women due to socialization, but it affects anyone who's learned to perform sexually rather than connect authentically. If you're in the messy middle, this episode will help you understand why—and what comes next. 🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS OPEN 10 spots through March 4th. Body-based, guaranteed coaching for desire gaps—for couples and individuals who've tried everything and are ready for real change. No blame, no shame. Enroll by March 4th and receive 4 curated lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations— the ones that actually move the needle. Book a free consultation: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    31 min

  3. FEB 2

    Too tired for sex? How burnout kills desire, with Dr. Amy Grimm

    When you're running on empty, sex feels like just another demand on your already depleted system. But burnout isn't just affecting your work life—it's killing your desire and disconnecting you from your partner. Dr. Amy Grimm, veterinarian and certified burnout coach, joins me to explore how chronic stress impacts intimacy. We discuss what both high and low desire partners need to know, including:  Why burnout is a nervous system problem, not just a work problemHow to tell if you're burned out vs. depressedWhy sex becomes performative when you're disconnected from yourselfThe micro-moment practices that actually restore your nervous system (no hour-long meditations required)How to reconnect with your body so you can reconnect with your partnerIf you suspect burnout is affecting your relationship or libido, this conversation will help you understand what's really happening—and give you simple tools to start healing. Resources: Free video series: The Burnout Fix - https://burnoutfreeme.kit.com/burnoutfix Amy's podcast: Burnout-Free Me - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/daring-dvm/id1685789557 Website: https://daringdvm.com 🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS OPEN 10 spots through March 4th. Body-based, guaranteed coaching for desire gaps—for couples and individuals who've tried everything and are ready for real change. No blame, no shame. Enroll by March 4th and receive 4 curated lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations— the ones that actually move the needle. Book a free consultation: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    47 min

  4. JAN 26

    The 1-minute body practice that unlocks what you actually want sexually

    Before you can solve your desire gap, you need to know what you actually want. This super simple, somatic practice helps you stop overthinking sex, connect to your body's truth, and find the safety you need to access authentic desire. Whether you want more or less sex than your partner, self-attunement is the foundation for everything. Learn the simple 1-minute body check-in that reveals your real yeses and nos—and helps your partner feel your presence too.  🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS OPEN 10 spots through March 4th. Body-based, guaranteed coaching for desire gaps—for couples and individuals who've tried everything and are ready for real change. No blame, no shame. Enroll by March 4th and receive 4 curated lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations— the ones that actually move the needle. Book a free consultation: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    26 min

  5. JAN 19

    ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 2: How to stay present during sex

    Part 1 in this series covered how ADHD affects desire. Now let's get practical. Mid-sex, suddenly thinking about work emails and grocery lists? Your partner can tell you're not fully there . . . and it doesn't feel great to you either. You're not a bad lover, your ADHD brain is just incredibly loud. This episode covers the most common in-the-moment challenges and what to do about them: Sensory needs: why some touches work and others don't, and how to communicate what your body needsTask-list brain: staying present instead of mentally composing tomorrow's to-do listNovelty, time blindness, and working memory: we'll discuss practical toolsThese aren't flaws to fix—they're features to work with. Your ADHD brain can experience incredible pleasure and connection when you understand what it needs. Start with one small tool. Small shifts make huge differences. Part 3 coming soon: medication effects, sleep issues, and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom kill desire inside it. 🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS OPEN 10 spots through March 4th. Body-based, guaranteed coaching for desire gaps—for couples and individuals who've tried everything and are ready for real change. No blame, no shame. Enroll by March 4th and receive 4 curated lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations— the ones that actually move the needle. Book a free consultation: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    28 min

  6. JAN 12

    Why "love should be effortless" is ruining your relationship

    You've been sold a lie: that if your relationship needs work, something is fundamentally wrong. That love should just happen naturally if you're compatible. That needing help means you're failing. This myth keeps people stuck in mediocre relationships, avoiding problems, and thinking they're failures when they struggle. And it's complete b******t. Here's the truth: We live in a culture that gives us terrible relationship advice, no real education about intimacy, and a bunch of harmful myths. Then we're expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with zero guidance. Does that make sense? Your relationship quality is the biggest predictor of your overall happiness and health—not your job, your bank account, or your body size. We invest thousands in gym memberships, career development, and lawn care. But when it comes to our most important relationship, we hesitate. Why? This episode is about what "doing the work" actually means: time, money, effort, and attention. It's about why your intimate relationship deserves the same intentionality you give to other important areas of your life. And it's about giving yourself permission to get help before things become a crisis. Your relationship deserves your best effort, not your leftovers. Let's talk about what real investment looks like—and why it matters. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    16 min

  7. JAN 5

    Why do I want sex so much (or so little)? Understanding your desires

    If you're dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But what I've learned is this: there's always more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together. If you're the higher-desire partner, what are you actually seeking when you want sex? Is it validation? Connection? Reassurance that the relationship is okay? If you're the lower-desire partner, what are you really trying to avoid when you don't want sex? Certain sensations? Emotions? Pressure? Memories? When you dig deeper and get honest answers to these questions, everything shifts. You can communicate what you actually need, you stop putting invisible pressure on your partner, and you find other ways to meet your real needs. This episode walks both partners through the questions you need to ask yourselves—with curiosity, not judgment. Plus: how to stop asking yourself crappy questions that make you feel worse, and start asking empowering ones instead. Your brain will answer whatever you ask it. Let's ask better questions. Check out Emily Nagoski's latest book here: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections 🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS OPEN 10 spots through March 4th. Body-based, guaranteed coaching for desire gaps—for couples and individuals who've tried everything and are ready for real change. No blame, no shame. Enroll by March 4th and receive 4 curated lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations— the ones that actually move the needle. Book a free consultation: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    46 min

  8. 12/29/2025

    AI and your sex life: when it helps & when it causes more harm

    Thinking about asking ChatGPT about your desire gap at 2am? You're not alone—lots of people are turning to AI for relationship help. And I get it. It's free, private, and you don't have to admit to another human that you're struggling. But here's what you need to know: AI can be genuinely helpful for some things—like understanding new concepts, normalizing your experience, or organizing your thoughts before talking to your partner. But it also has serious limitations that can actually make your problems worse. In this episode, I break down what AI does well (psychoeducation, reducing shame) and what it fundamentally can't do (anything embodied or somatic). We'll talk about the "sycophancy problem"—why AI tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear—and when it's time to get actual human support. For anyone considering on turning to AI for relationship advice, but wanting to be informed about that choice, this one's for you. 🎙️ THE DESIRE GAP BRIDGE™ PROGRAM IS OPEN 10 spots through March 4th. Body-based, guaranteed coaching for desire gaps—for couples and individuals who've tried everything and are ready for real change. No blame, no shame. Enroll by March 4th and receive 4 curated lesser-known books for desire discrepancy situations— the ones that actually move the needle. Book a free consultation: https://laurajurgens.com/bridge Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

    37 min
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5
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About

Mismatched libidos destroying your relationship? Dr. Laura Jurgens helps couples solve desire differences with proven methods—even when therapy fails. This intimacy coach and former professor helps couples navigate different sexual needs with research-based solutions that actually work.  This isn't about forcing different sex drives to align. It's about understanding why you want different amounts of sex, learning to talk about it without fighting, and creating intimacy that works for both partners. Even if you're feeling rejected, lonely, guilty, broken, or ashamed for having needs—you're not. You're just missing the tools to bridge your desire discrepancy. Every episode delivers practical strategies you can use immediately: how to boost desire, communicate without defensiveness, understand different arousal types, and reconnect with your body so intimacy feels natural again. Whether traditional relationship counseling hasn't helped or you're avoiding couples therapy altogether, these approaches work for the intimacy issues that most therapists aren't trained to handle. Ready to stop the pursue-withdraw pattern that's creating distance and resentment? Get the science-backed roadmap to authentic connection that honors both partners' needs. No ads. Just proven advice that works. Disclosure: expect explicit content and swearing!

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