The Gay Relationship Podcast

Tom Bruett
  • 5.0 (4)
  • Self-Improvement

Hosted by gay sex and relationship therapist and published author Tom Bruett, this show dives deep into what it really means to be in relationship with yourself and others as a gay, queer, or trans person today. Each episode features candid conversations with leading experts in psychology, sex therapy, wellness, culture, and LGBTQIA2S+ lived experience. Together, we explore the complexities of queer love, intimacy, identity, and connection - without shame, without scripts, and without pretending we have it all figured out. If you’re craving smarter, braver, more honest conversations about what it means to build and sustain authentic queer relationships, you’re in the right place.

  1. 5h ago

    Gay Shame, Loneliness & Finding Real Community | Interview with Brian Spitulnik

    Why are so many gay men still struggling with loneliness, shame, and disconnection in 2026? In this conversation, Tom talks with therapist Brian Spitulnik about the lasting impact of growing up gay in a heterosexist world and why those experiences can continue shaping us long after we come out. Brian explores how gay men can build fortresses around shame, disconnect from their bodies and desires, and mistake self-protection for simply “who they are.” He also discusses the importance of real-life community in an era dominated by social media, dating apps, and constant digital connection, sharing how online groups can sometimes become a bridge to deeper in-person relationships. The conversation moves into sexuality, embodiment, and the difference between authentic preference and patterns shaped by trauma or shame. Brian also opens up about leaving a 15-year Broadway career to become a therapist, the grief that came with losing an old identity, and why cultivating self-worth outside of work and achievement is especially important for gay men. Finally, Tom and Brian consider what thriving actually means, and why a healthy queer life may require more community, more connection, and more willingness to explore the parts of ourselves we've learned to hide. About Brian: Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice, and committed to working with his clients to come fully into relationship with their environment and themselves while providing practical tools for behavioral change and emotional growth. Brian has earned degrees from The University of Michigan, Columbia University, and The Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College. Before becoming a mental health practitioner, Brian performed on Broadway for over 15 years, and has written for Global Citizen, The Daily Beast, McSweeney’s, and Dance Magazine, Brian is the founder of GAYFULLY, the only mental-health app for gay men. Connect with Brian: Website: gayfullyapp.com Instagram: @spitulnik YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@BrianSpitulnikLMSW Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    Gay Shame, Loneliness & Finding Real Community | Interview with Brian Spitulnik

  2. Aug 13

    Sexual Bypassing: Are Your Labels Keeping You Stuck? | Interview with Dr Chris Donaghue

    What happens when the identities and labels that once helped us understand ourselves begin to limit us? In this episode of the Queer Relationship Institute podcast, Tom welcomes psychotherapist, lecturer, author, and educator Dr Chris Donaghue for a provocative conversation about sexuality, identity, relationships, and authenticity. Chris introduces the concept of sexual bypassing – using sexual labels, identities, or communities as a way of avoiding deeper exploration of who we are and what we actually want. While sexual identity can provide essential belonging, validation, and community (especially for marginalized people) Chris argues that no single label can capture the complexity of a whole person. The conversation explores why queer people may become overly attached to sexual roles, how labels can create unnecessary limitations in dating and relationships, and why partners shouldn't be ruled out simply because they identify as a “top” or “bottom.” Chris also challenges conventional ideas about sexual dysfunction, erectile “disappointment,” body image, masculinity, and the pressure to conform to unrealistic sexual and physical standards. They also discuss porn, ethical consumption, the manosphere, differentiation, and what it means to build a life rooted in authenticity rather than normativity. Ultimately, Chris invites us to hold our identities more lightly - not because they don't matter, but because there is always more to us than the categories we use to describe ourselves. About Dr Chris: Dr Chris Donaghue is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and sex therapy, with a private practice in addition to his work as an author, lecturer, and educator. He serves as the Director of Clinical Education for The Sexual Health Alliance and chairs the organization’s Annual Sexological Conference. Dr Donaghue is the author of Rebel Love and Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture, and has contributed chapters to several books, including The Sex Issue by the editors of Goop. Connect with Dr Chris: Website: www.drchrisdonaghue.com Instagram: @drdonaghue Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    Sexual Bypassing: Are Your Labels Keeping You Stuck? | Interview with Dr Chris Donaghue

  3. Aug 6

    Why Great Therapy Includes Conversations About Sex | Interview with Martha Kauppi

    What happens when therapists avoid talking about sex? According to Martha Kauppi (she/they), it often leaves clients feeling invisible, misunderstood, and carrying even more shame than when they arrived. In this conversation, Tom sits down with Martha to explore why sexuality is an essential part of the human experience, and why every therapist should feel equipped to discuss it. Drawing on decades of clinical work and training thousands of therapists, Martha explains how cultural myths about sex, relationships, and desire quietly shape therapy, often reinforcing shame instead of helping people heal. Together, they also unpack some of the biggest misconceptions about consensual non-monogamy. Martha shares insights from her book on polyamorous and open relationships, explaining why relationship success depends far more on communication, consent, differentiation, repair, and trust than on relationship labels. They also discuss why LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous clients often feel unseen in therapy, how therapists can create greater safety, and why meaningful conversations matter more than finding the "perfect" labels. This episode offers practical wisdom, compassionate guidance, and an affirming reminder that there is no single "right" way to love - only the work of creating relationships that genuinely fit the people in them. About Martha: Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, speaker, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor. She has a lifelong career in health and sexuality, and is a senior trainer of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Martha trains therapists all over the world to work more effectively with relational intimacy challenges and sex issues. She is the author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients). Connect with Martha: Website: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com Instagram: @martha_kauppi Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@RelationalIntimacy Books: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/8-steps-to-opening-up-opt-in https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/relationship-repair-CNM https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/book Courses: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/CNM-Level-1 Podcast: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/untangling-intimacy Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    Why Great Therapy Includes Conversations About Sex | Interview with Martha Kauppi

  4. Jul 30

    Why So Many Gay Men Struggle with Intimacy, Shame & Spirituality | Interview with Darren Main

    What if the biggest obstacle to love isn't finding the right partner -- but the story you've been told about yourself? In this conversation, Tom Bruett (he/him) sits down with Darren Main (he/him), to explore how queer men can heal shame, cultivate authentic relationships, and reconnect with purpose. Drawing from more than 35 years of working with LGBTQ+ communities, Darren shares how his experiences with addiction, recovery, spirituality, HIV, fatherhood, and self-acceptance shaped his approach to healing. Together, they discuss why so many gay men struggle with intimacy long after coming out, how internalized shame influences relationships, and why healing involves more than changing our thoughts. Darren explains the role of embodiment through practices like yoga and meditation, reflects on lessons from the 12-Step tradition, and shares how mindfulness and community can help people reconnect with themselves. They also explore loneliness in queer communities, the importance of creating friendships outside of dating and hookup culture, and why spaces like the Gay Men's Sangha offer a powerful model for meaningful connection. The conversation also touches on grief, queer spirituality, parenting, and the importance of becoming the elder you once needed. Whether you're navigating relationships, healing from shame, or searching for deeper community, this episode offers compassionate insights and a hopeful reminder that lasting connection begins with the relationship you have with yourself. About Darren: Darren Main is a yoga teacher, writer, and massage therapist who has spent more than three decades helping gay, bi, and queer men cultivate deeper wellness, stronger relationships, and a more embodied sense of self. Through his Q-MindBody podcast, he brings together mindfulness, somatic awareness, and queer spirituality in conversations that challenge old narratives and inspire real transformation. His work creates a grounded, affirming space for men seeking clarity, healing, and meaningful connection. Connect with Darren: Website:darrenmain.com Instagram: @darrenjmain Podcast: https://darrenmain.net/qmindbodypodcast Book: https://amzn.to/4b607Uo Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    Why So Many Gay Men Struggle with Intimacy, Shame & Spirituality | Interview with Darren Main

  5. Jul 23

    Non-Monogamy, Polyamory & Open Relationships Explained | Interview with Andrew Reidenbach

    What does it actually take to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship? In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Andrew Reidenbach (he/him), psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy, for an honest conversation about open relationships, polyamory, attachment, and the communication skills that help relationships thrive. Andrew shares how he came to specialize in working with LGBTQ+ clients in non-monogamous relationships and explores why more people are questioning traditional relationship structures. Together, Tom and Andrew discuss the many forms of ethical non-monogamy, why communication and clear agreements are essential, how jealousy and attachment wounds show up, and why trust (not exclusivity) is often the foundation of successful relationships. They also unpack common misconceptions about polyamory and open relationships, explore the role of shame and societal expectations, discuss navigating boundaries, sexual health, and time management, and offer guidance for couples who are considering opening their relationship for the first time. Whether you're curious about ethical non-monogamy, exploring a new relationship structure, or simply interested in rethinking what healthy relationships can look like, this conversation offers a thoughtful, compassionate perspective on love, intimacy, and connection. About Andrew: Andrew Reidenbach is the founder of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy, a group practice based in New York City. His work focuses primarily on LGBTQ+ clients and trauma, integrating advanced relational psychodynamic training with attachment-focused EMDR. Andrew also brings clinical expertise in nonmonogamy, supporting individuals and couples in navigating complex relationship dynamics with depth and nuance. Connect with Andrew: Website: https://www.midtownmindpsychotherapy.com Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    Non-Monogamy, Polyamory & Open Relationships Explained | Interview with Andrew Reidenbach

  6. Jul 16

    Why You're Losing Erections (and how to FIX it) | Interview with Shay Doran

    What happens when everything looks successful on the outside, but you're quietly struggling with performance anxiety, erection challenges, and shame? In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with coach Shay Doran (he/him) to explore one of the most misunderstood and least talked-about issues affecting men's sexual wellbeing. Drawing from his own journey from years of silently battling porn use, anxiety, and relationship struggles to helping thousands of men overcome performance anxiety, Shay shares why these challenges are about so much more than erections. Together, they unpack the powerful role of shame, masculinity, porn, and early life experiences in shaping our relationship with sex. They also explore how performance anxiety can show up differently for gay and straight men, why medications like Viagra aren't always the complete answer, and how the nervous system (not a lack of desire or masculinity) is often at the center of the problem. This compassionate conversation offers hope for anyone who's ever wondered, "What's wrong with me?" and reminds us that healing begins when we stop treating sex like a performance and start understanding the deeper patterns underneath. Whether you're experiencing performance anxiety yourself, supporting a partner, or you're a therapist working with men's sexual health, this episode offers practical insights and a fresh perspective on one of the most common but least discussed sexual concerns. About Shay: Shay Doran specializes in helping men fix sexual performance anxiety & erection problems. After experiencing these challenges himself, Shay has now helped men around the world to get erection problems fixed and feel normal again. Connect with Shay: Website: https://shay-doran.com/ Free Quiz: https://shay-doran.com/free-quiz/ YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    Why You're Losing Erections (and how to FIX it) | Interview with Shay Doran

  7. Jul 9

    The Truth About Prostate Health, ED & Masculinity | Interview with Dr. Arthur Burnett

    How do you protect your prostate, recognize the early signs of erectile dysfunction, and separate medical facts from internet myths? In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with Dr. Arthur Burnett (he/him), renowned Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, and one of the pioneers behind the science that led to Viagra, to discuss what everyone with a prostate should know about sexual health and aging. We explore common misconceptions about prostate health, whether frequent orgasms actually reduce prostate cancer risk, and why erectile dysfunction can sometimes be an early warning sign of heart disease. Dr. Burnett also explains why buying ED medications online without a medical evaluation can cause people to miss serious underlying health conditions. The conversation also focuses on LGBTQ+ health, including prostate care for gay and bisexual men, trans women who still have a prostate, and why every patient deserves affirming, judgment-free medical care. We discuss harm reduction, the risks of mixing poppers with erectile medications, recovery after prostate cancer treatment, and the growing trend of penile enhancement procedures. Finally, Dr. Burnett shares his concerns about modern masculinity, the pressures created by porn and social media, and why being a healthy man has far more to do with authenticity, relationships, and overall wellbeing than penis size or outdated stereotypes. Whether you're trying to stay healthy, improve your sexual functioning, or simply understand your body better, this conversation offers practical, evidence-based guidance grounded in decades of clinical experience. About Arthur: Arthur L. “Bud” Burnett II, MD, MBA, FACS, is a globally recognized Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, and lead investigator in the scientific development of Viagra, whose pioneering work in men’s health and erectile function has transformed care worldwide. Connect with Arthur: Website: https://drarthurburnett.com/ Instagram: @dr.arthurburnett YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DrArthurBurnett Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    The Truth About Prostate Health, ED & Masculinity | Interview with Dr. Arthur Burnett

  8. Jun 25

    When Sex Feels Out of Control, What’s Really Happening? | Interview with Michael A. Vigorito

    What happens when we stop viewing sexuality through a lens of shame and start approaching it with curiosity, compassion, and context? In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) welcomes Michael A. Vigorito (he/him), LMFT, CGP, CST-S, sex therapist, author, supervisor, and co-author of Treating Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior, for a conversation about sexuality, shame, and sexual health. Michael shares his work challenging the traditional “sex addiction” framework and explores why sexual behaviors can become complicated, how shame and stigma shape our relationship with desire, and why understanding the context behind our choices matters more than labeling them. Together, Tom and Michael discuss sexual health, pleasure and safety, queer experiences with sexuality and stigma, how secrecy and shame can impact intimacy, and what it looks like to build a healthier relationship with sex and yourself. Whether you’ve struggled with feeling “too much,” questioned your relationship with sex, or simply want a more compassionate understanding of sexuality, this conversation offers a different way to think about desire, connection, and healing. About Michael: Michael Vigorito is a certified sex therapist, author, trainer, and clinical supervisor specializing in sexual and behavioral health. He co-developed a sexual health assessment and treatment protocol published in Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior - Rethinking Sex Addiction (SSTAR 2018 Health Professional Book Award). He has led multiple SAMHSA- and CDC-funded training initiatives integrating sexual health and LGBTQ+ affirming care into behavioral health systems, including the Sexual and Gender Diversity Learning Community at the University of Maryland Prevention Research Center. Mr. Vigorito is a Certified Group Psychotherapist (AGPA), a Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor (AASECT), and currently serves as President of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR). Connect with Michael: Website: www.MichaelVigorito.com Book: Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction https://a.co/d/0frXNESf Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

    When Sex Feels Out of Control, What’s Really Happening? | Interview with Michael A. Vigorito
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Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
4 Ratings

About

Hosted by gay sex and relationship therapist and published author Tom Bruett, this show dives deep into what it really means to be in relationship with yourself and others as a gay, queer, or trans person today. Each episode features candid conversations with leading experts in psychology, sex therapy, wellness, culture, and LGBTQIA2S+ lived experience. Together, we explore the complexities of queer love, intimacy, identity, and connection - without shame, without scripts, and without pretending we have it all figured out. If you’re craving smarter, braver, more honest conversations about what it means to build and sustain authentic queer relationships, you’re in the right place.

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