Beneath the Behavior: Supporting Neurodivergent Kids With Science, Not Shame

Dr. Mark Bowers
  • 4.7 (9)
  • PARENTING

Beneath the Behavior is a podcast for parents of neurodivergent kids who want understanding instead of blame. Hosted by pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers, each episode explores what’s really going on beneath a child’s behavior—from a brain and nervous system perspective—so parents can respond with more clarity and less self-doubt. This podcast isn’t about quick fixes or perfect parenting. It’s about slowing things down, making sense of hard moments, and supporting neurodivergent kids with science, not shame. Episodes are short, focused, and grounded in real clinical experience. If parenting feels harder than it should, you’re not alone—and you’re in the right place.

  1. 2D AGO

    Letting Go of the Parent You Thought You’d Be

    Most parents expect parenting to get easier with time. You imagine growing confidence. Finding your rhythm. Trusting that love, patience, and consistency will lead to steady progress. But when you’re raising a neurodivergent child, that path often looks different than you expected. In this episode, Dr. Mark Bowers talks about a form of grief that many parents carry silently: grieving the parent you thought you’d be. Not because you don’t love your child. Not because you wish they were different. But because the reality of parenting doesn’t match the picture you once held. You’ll learn: Why this grief makes sense from a nervous system and brain-based perspectiveHow unacknowledged grief turns into stress, reactivity, and self-blameThe difference between resignation and healthy adjustmentWhy “trying harder” often backfiresPractical scripts you can use in hard moments tonightHow to repair after you snapWhat real progress actually looks likeThis episode is about steadiness, not perfection. It’s about understanding what’s happening beneath behavior. It’s about responding instead of reacting. And it’s about learning how to hold grief without letting it run the show. If you’ve ever thought, “Why is this so much harder than I expected?” — this conversation will put words to what you’ve been carrying. You’re not failing. You’re learning  Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    28 min

  2. FEB 6

    Low Demand Parenting: When It Helps, When It Hurts, and How to Use It Without Getting Stuck

    Low demand parenting can feel like oxygen when your child is overwhelmed. The house gets quieter. Meltdowns ease. Everyone can finally breathe. But what happens when that relief starts turning into avoidance, shrinking routines, or fear of asking for anything at all? In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers breaks down what low demand parenting actually does in the nervous system, why it often works so well in the short term, and how it can quietly backfire when it becomes the long-term plan. You’ll learn: Why reducing demands can calm an overwhelmed nervous systemHow avoidance gets reinforced without anyone intending itHow low demand affects PDA, ADHD, and autistic kids differentlyThe difference between stabilization and growthA clear 3-phase framework to move from low demand to scaffolding without explosionsPractical scripts you can use right away to preserve trust while rebuilding expectationsThis episode isn’t about doing more or pushing harder. It’s about understanding what your child’s behavior is protecting, and how to support their nervous system without getting stuck in survival mode. If low demand parenting helped your family survive, this conversation will help you figure out what comes next. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    34 min

  3. JAN 31

    When Anxiety Looks Like Defiance: How fear hides inside behavior

    Some kids don’t look anxious. They look defiant. They argue, refuse, avoid, shut down, or explode — and parents are often told the problem is oppositional behavior, weak boundaries, or a need for stronger consequences. In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers explains what’s actually happening when anxiety shows up as control, resistance, and power struggles — especially in neurodivergent kids. You’ll learn: Why anxiety often activates fight, not fearHow avoidance and refusal can be protective, not manipulativeWhy pressure and consequences make anxiety-driven behavior worseHow to tell the difference between true defiance and nervous system overloadWhat to say and do in the moment to reduce escalationWhen teaching works — and when it doesn’tThis episode helps you stop mislabeling fear as defiance and start responding in ways that increase safety, connection, and long-term regulation. If firmer strategies have only made things worse, this conversation will help you understand why — and what to do instead. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    12 min

  4. JAN 31

    When Kids Hold It Together at School and Fall Apart at Home: Masking, safety, and what the nervous system is really doing

    Your child makes it through the school day without major issues… Then comes home and completely unravels. The meltdowns, rage, shutdowns, or refusals can leave you wondering why everything falls apart with you when teachers say, “They do fine at school.” In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers explains what’s actually happening beneath the behavior and why this pattern is not a parenting failure or a discipline problem. You’ll learn: Why many neurodivergent kids mask all day at school and release at homeHow the nervous system responds to safety, overload, and recoveryWhy warnings, consequences, and “calm down” don’t work in these momentsWhat to look for before after-school meltdowns escalateHow to support regulation without reinforcing shame or chaosWhat to say during a meltdown and when teaching actually worksThis conversation reframes after-school meltdowns as a sign of trust, not defiance, and gives you practical ways to support your child while staying grounded yourself. If you’ve ever thought, “Why does this feel so much harder than I expected?” You’re not alone. And there’s a reason this keeps happening. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    11 min

  5. JAN 26

    Understanding Co-Regulation for Neurodivergent Kids

    Co-regulation is one of those parenting terms that gets repeated often—but rarely explained in a way that actually helps in real moments. If you’ve ever stayed calm during your child’s meltdown and wondered why it didn’t seem to help, or felt pressure to “be regulated enough” to fix the situation, this episode is for you. In this episode, Dr. Mark Bowers explains what co-regulation actually is from a nervous system perspective—and just as importantly, what it isn’t. You’ll learn why co-regulation isn’t about calming your child down, stopping meltdowns, or being perfectly composed, and why it often looks quieter, slower, and less obvious than parents expect. This conversation breaks down how co-regulation works biologically, why it takes time, how boundaries and co-regulation can exist together, and what signs to look for when regulation is happening beneath the surface. Dr. Bowers also shares practical ways to co-regulate in the middle of hard moments, using fewer words, more predictability, and steadiness instead of pressure. If co-regulation has ever felt confusing, overwhelming, or like another impossible standard, this episode offers relief, clarity, and a more realistic way to understand your role in supporting your child’s nervous system. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    13 min

  6. JAN 26

    Why Transitions Are So Hard for Neurodivergent Kids

    Transitions can turn everyday moments into major struggles for neurodivergent kids—and for the adults trying to support them. If your child melts down when it’s time to turn off screens, leave the playground, start homework, get in the car, or go to bed, even after warnings and preparation, this episode explains why. In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers breaks down what’s really happening during transitions from a nervous system perspective. You’ll learn why transitions feel like “events” rather than small moments for many neurodivergent kids, why five-minute warnings often make things worse instead of better, and how stopping one activity and starting another create a double load on the brain. Instead of focusing on compliance or speed, this conversation shifts the goal to regulation. Dr. Bowers walks through practical, realistic ways to support transitions that reduce pressure, lower nervous system threat, and help kids move through change with more support and less conflict. If transitions are one of the hardest parts of your day, this episode will help you feel less alone—and better equipped to understand what your child’s behavior is really communicating. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    12 min

  7. JAN 17

    Why “Good Parenting Advice” Fails Neurodivergent Kids

    “We’ve tried everything, and nothing sticks.” If that thought feels familiar, this episode is for you. In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers explains why so much mainstream parenting advice fails neurodivergent kids — and why that failure is not a reflection of your effort, consistency, or love. Most popular strategies are built on hidden assumptions about motivation, regulation, and capacity. When a child doesn’t meet those assumptions, the strategies don’t just fall flat. They often make things worse. More meltdowns. More refusal. More shutdowns. And more parents blaming themselves. In this episode, you’ll learn: The assumptions most parenting advice is built on — and why they don’t fit many neurodivergent kidsWhy sticker charts, consequences, and “just be consistent” often backfireThe difference between motivation problems and capacity problemsWhy trying harder usually makes parents more exhausted, not more effectiveWhat questions actually lead to calmer homes and stronger relationshipsThis episode is about cognitive clarity. It’s about understanding that you didn’t fail the strategy — the strategy failed to account for your child’s nervous system. Because it’s not that you did it wrong.  It was never designed for your child. If you’re looking for parenting support that’s rooted in science, not shame — and guidance that actually fits neurodivergent kids — you’re in the right place. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    18 min

  8. JAN 17

    All Behavior Is Communication

    Meltdowns. Refusal. Shutdowns. If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, these moments can feel confusing, exhausting, and deeply personal. In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers teaches one foundational reframe that can change how you see your child and how you respond in hard moments: All behavior is communication. Instead of viewing behavior as defiance, manipulation, or “bad choices,” we slow down and look at what your child’s nervous system may be trying to tell you. You’ll learn why kids often lose access to words when they’re overwhelmed, what meltdowns and shutdowns are really signaling, and why refusal is usually a capacity problem, not a character problem. This episode breaks down: The difference between tantrums and meltdownsWhy “use your words” doesn’t work when a child is dysregulatedWhat refusal, avoidance, and shutdowns are often communicatingHow to respond in the moment without escalating fear or shameWhat to say after the storm passes to build real skillsIf you’ve ever thought, “They know better” or “Why are they doing this?” — this episode offers a clearer, kinder explanation that actually helps. Because your child isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And learning to read that message changes everything. Let Us Know What You Think! Support the show Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids. The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice. If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

    20 min
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Ratings & Reviews

4.7
out of 5
9 Ratings

About

Beneath the Behavior is a podcast for parents of neurodivergent kids who want understanding instead of blame. Hosted by pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers, each episode explores what’s really going on beneath a child’s behavior—from a brain and nervous system perspective—so parents can respond with more clarity and less self-doubt. This podcast isn’t about quick fixes or perfect parenting. It’s about slowing things down, making sense of hard moments, and supporting neurodivergent kids with science, not shame. Episodes are short, focused, and grounded in real clinical experience. If parenting feels harder than it should, you’re not alone—and you’re in the right place.

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