You have a desire you haven’t said out loud. Maybe it’s kinky, maybe it’s opening the relationship, maybe it’s something you read in a book about fae or dragons. Whatever it is, you’re terrified your partner will react badly to hearing your desire, so you sit on it… and sit on it… and sit on it, until either you shrink or explode. In this episode, we are happy to give you a third way! A framework for walking the full path between having a desire and bringing it to your partner. First, we start with YOUR work, because there’s a lot you can do solo to clarify and even enjoy your desire. This includes: letting yourself fully feel it, understanding what’s underneath it, and working through any shame you have about wanting it. Then we get into having the conversation, and how to stay connected with your partner throughout so it doesn’t turn into your vs my desires. Finally, we explore the art of negotiation and co-creation, where you and your partner find a version of your fantasy that lights both of you up. We also get into: * Why the first steps of working with a big desire are solo — not with your partner * The difference between a desire, and the nourishment underneath it * How to claim a desire for yourself without needing to act on it * What to do when shame, fear, or past rejection shows up * How to be curious about your partner’s “no” without crossing into coercion * How to embrace the act of co-creating a new, mutual fantasy with your partner And a gentle reminder before you dive in: desiring more doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human! And with the right safety and trust, we bet your partner wants you to be able to experience and enjoy everything your heart yearns for. *** Temple of Yes: Finally! An erotic retreat that's as safe and consensual as it is adventurous! The application process includes a 30 min call with Kari or Nicholette to make sure the retreat is the right fit for you, and you're the right fit for the retreat. Come ask all your questions and figure out if it's a Yes! https://www.eroticreclamation.com/temple-of-yes *** Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we’re talking about today: when you have a desire that feels too risky to bring to your partner. 5:05 — How desire shows up when you’re trying not to feel it: numbing, scrolling, dampening, “everything’s fine”. 8:45 — What happens when you give yourself permission to want something, even something you’d never actually do. 16:05 — Why your body needs to own the desire before you ever bring it your partner. 19:46 — How to work with desires that potentially feel destructive to your relationship: find the deeper nourishment you’re craving under the fantasy. 22:52 — Process your own shame around your desire first, so you can be with your partner’s honest reaction to your desire without collapsing. 25:00 — What claiming your desire for yourself (without your partner) can look like. 26:39 — Don’t skip the solo work! Urgency and repression are the things that makes desire dangerous, not desire itself. 29:07 — The power and manifesting magic of learning to “steep” in your desire. 33:23 — How to set up the conversation before jumping into “this is what I want right now!” 34:17 — The Weather Report: So you and your partner know where you’re actually at, instead of projecting onto each other! 37:10 — If/when you start to have big feelings, how to reveal what you’re feeling instead of lashing out. 41:07 — The North Star: The guiding light for the conversation so you and your partner remember you’re on the same team. 47:19 — Negotiating the desire: what to do when they say yes, how to stay curious when they say no, and and how to co-create something you’re both a f* yes too. (Check on this podcast for more on this topic.) 51:01 — Remember the “yes, and”! It’ll take you so many hot, unexpected places with your partner. 55:58 — Every year we gather to support people claiming their desires, negotiating their boundaries, and co-creating fantasies! Learn more about Temple of Yes here. *** Podcasts to listen to next: When Intimacy is Frictiony and You're Not Sure Why https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/p/when-intimacy-is-frictiony-and-youre Desire: Feel It, Name It, Claim It https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/p/desire-feel-it-name-it-claim-it Aftercare: The Antidote to Feeling Dropped After Sex https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/p/aftercare-the-antidote-to-feeling *** Give this podcast 5 stars to help our message spread! *** Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at sex-positive workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “f**k yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com. With love, Kari & Nicholette *** P.S. This episode is also on YouTube! Find it here: https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com
