ADHD Realities

Dr. Leann Borneman

Welcome to ADHD Realities , the podcast where ADHD and sexuality collide in the most empowering, brain friendly way possible. Hosted by Clinical Sexologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Psychotherapist Dr. Leann Borneman, this space is all about unmasking, unlearning, and unleashing your full neurodivergent self, in and out of the bedroom. We live in a world built for neurotypicals, and that narrative has been bringing you down for way too long. Here, we challenge those norms, call out the shame they create, and replace them with tools and truths that actually work for your beautifully wired brain. If you’ve ever felt like your ADHD made intimacy, communication, or self-worth harder, you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not broken. This podcast gives you the full lens, psychological, relational, and sexual, to finally understand your experiences through the ADHD perspective you should’ve had all along. It’s time to stop people pleasing, start permission giving, and take up space, authentically, awkwardly, and unapologetically.. DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy or professional support.

  1. MAR 24

    Are You Actually Addicted to Porn Or Just Ashamed of It?

    Everyone has an opinion about porn. Almost nobody is looking at the actual research. In this episode I am doing what I do in my human sexuality classroom on day one — separating what we actually know from what we have simply been told, repeatedly and loudly, until it started to sound like fact and those are not the same thing. We are talking about why "porn addiction" does not exist as a clinical diagnosis and what that means. We are talking about the research that was rejected, the diagnostic manual that said not yet, and the finding that should have completely changed this conversation — but didn't, because it doesn't sell anything. We are talking about dopamine mythology, the desensitization narrative, what the violence research actually shows, and why the NoFap movement is a belief system with a marketing strategy, not a clinical intervention. And we are talking about ADHD because your brain is being caught in a narrative that was never built with you in mind — one that takes a nervous system doing exactly what it's supposed to do and calls it broken...again. I have spent more hours than I want to admit reading this research. Pulling primary sources. Analyzing methodology. Looking at every claim through both a researcher's lens and a clinician's lens. What I found is that a significant portion of what is being handed to you as settled neuroscience is ideology wearing a lab coat. You deserved to know that. So here it is. Every study and article referenced in this episode is linked below. The supplies are there. Go read them. Critical thinking means doing your own work — I'm just here to show you where to start. This is educational content based on research and clinical experience — not therapy, not a diagnosis, not one-size-fits-all. Your experience is layered and specific to you. If you're struggling, work with a qualified professional.  Reference Links: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5775124/ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S027273582600019X https://www.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.books.9781615379279.lg01 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33038740/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29412013/ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/2167702620922966 https://akjournals.com/view/journals/2006/14/1/article-p131.xml https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1277583/full https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405844023020418 https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1240222/full https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11930-023-00380-z https://publichealth.jmir.org/2021/10/e32542 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9295218/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10374865 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33774451/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26185674/ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/364356755_RebootNoFap_Participants_Erectile_Concerns_Predicted_by_Anxiety_and_Not_MediatedModerated_by_Pornography_Viewing https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26095441/ https://cdn2.psychologytoday.com/assets/Ley-PornAddictionReview.pdf https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5039517/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26606725/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26372200/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32661813/ https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-025-03199-y https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32691692/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37309642/ https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/The-association-between-pornography-use-and-sexual-Loutzenhiser-Arrighi/58de0d7a9d2f485ed03e810544bd9b45e0c0b3df https://www.researchgate.net/publication/343108786_Pornography_and_Sexual_Aggression_Can_Meta-Analysis_Find_a_Link https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605241299442

    1 hr

  2. MAR 10

    Sex Work, Shame, and Why People Are So Bad at Critical Thinking

    This episode goes everywhere — but somehow still lands exactly where it needs to. I sat down with Elle Stanger, AASECT certified sex educator and longtime sex worker, to talk about the massive cultural confusion surrounding sex work, sex trafficking, criminalization, and morality. What unfolds is a chaotic, honest, ADHD-style conversation about: why society constantly conflates sex work with trafficking how criminalization increases harm the role of religion, shame, and social narratives why people struggle to hold two truths at once ADHD brains, stimulation, and unconventional career paths how autonomy and variety can make certain environments more accessible for neurodivergent people We also talk about masking, strip club economics, freelance life, trauma narratives, media portrayals, and why nuance is so hard for people to tolerate. No script, no clean outline....Just a real conversation about sex, power, stigma, and ADHD brains trying to make sense of the world. To find more on Elle: Website The Talk Sex Podcast IG

    1h 12m

  3. FEB 24

    Are ADHD Relationships Harder, Or Are We Just Bad at Accommodating Executive Function

    You've seen the posts: "Never date someone with ADHD" vs "ADHD is a superpower." Both sides are loud, both are pissed, and both are missing the point. Most relationship research measures executive function, not love. And when we use neurotypical relationship standards to evaluate ADHD partnerships, we're measuring the wrong shit. In this episode, I break down what the data shows, why the parent child dynamic happens, and what accommodation looks like when you stop pretending ADHD brains work like neurotypical ones. ADHD doesn't ruin relationships, but unmanaged symptoms, rigid expectations, and zero accommodation? Yeah, that'll do it.

    18 min

  4. FEB 10

    Stop Moralizing ADHD: Why ‘Try Harder’ Is a Trap

    If you've ever been told you're "lazy," "not trying hard enough," or "just lack discipline"... yeah, this one's for you. I sat down with ADHD educator Kendall Delamont for a conversation about what ADHD really is and all the b******t it's not. We're talking about why ADHD isn't a moral failing or a time management problem, why the internet's dopamine obsession is mostly wrong, and why generic ADHD advice is basically set up to make you feel like shit. We get into the real stuff: Why ADHD traits get turned into character judgments ("if you really cared, you wouldn't be late") Why systems stop working — and why that's completely normal, not evidence you're broken Self-diagnosis: when it's helpful, where it gets messy, and why you need follow-through Supplements, wellness grifters, and the role of confirmation bias Parenting ADHD kids when you're ADHD yourself: lead with education, ditch the shame Living in the "messy middle": building systems that work most of the time, because perfection is fake The bottom line?  ADHD isn't one thing. It's a your brain thing — and moving forward means actual education, self-compassion, and systems designed for real human brains, not fantasy ones. Find Kendall: theadhdtoolkit.com | @theadhdtoolkit Bio:  Kendall Delamont holds a B.A. in Behavioural Sciences, a B.Ed., and certification as an ADHD Educator. She spent 8 years teaching in the classroom before creating The ADHD Toolkit– a series of in-depth, research-based courses designed to support people with ADHD and the people who love them. Thanks to her own ADHD diagnosis, Kendall brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her work. She's passionate about equipping others with practical tools designed to work with the ADHD brain rather than heaping on shame, guilt, and ineffective viral trends.  Kendall also empowers over 200k followers across her social media platforms with practical strategies, relatable experience shares, and ever-advancing scientific research.

    1h 2m

  5. JAN 27

    Sex, Capacity, and the Lie We Keep Telling Ourselves

    In this episode of ADHD Realities, I’m unpacking why the way we talk about desire — especially in heterosexual relationships — has never sat right with me. For years, we’ve framed libido differences as “higher vs. lower drive,” quietly centering access instead of capacity, and calling it neutral. It isn’t. We talk about what happens when desire gets mistaken for entitlement, why fluctuating desire (especially in women’s bodies) is so often pathologized, and how ADHD, nervous system regulation, hormones, perimenopause, menopause, stress, and life stage all shape access to desire in ways effort alone can’t fix. I also dig into why “weaponized incompetence” is frequently misapplied in these conversations, why desire is a state — not a skill — and what real accountability actually looks like when two people want different things. This episode isn’t about blaming men, excusing shutdown, or telling anyone to settle. It’s about honesty, capacity, compatibility, and knowing when a relationship can be redesigned — and when it can’t. This is not a how-to episode. It’s a reality check. Because no book, podcast, or framework can replace the work of understanding your own layers and deciding what kind of relationship truly works for your body, your brain, and your life.

    25 min

  6. JAN 13

    Male Pleasure Isn’t a Performance: Anxiety, ADHD, Porn, and the Sex We Were Never Taught to Have

    In this episode, I’m joined by Caitlin V, sex and relationship coach, researcher, and host of Good Sex, for a conversation that is giving male pleasure the nuance it deserves. We unpack why so many men experience sex as pressure instead of pleasure and how performance anxiety shows up as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, or complete shutdown, often without anyone naming what’s happening. This isn’t a “just relax” or “take a pill” conversation. We talk about: Why performance anxiety is less about control and more about tension—physical, emotional, relational, and neurological How porn, cultural scripts, and silence around male pleasure shape insecurity and self-monitoring Why many men are hyper-focused on their partner’s experience while completely disconnected from their own bodies The role of breath, pacing, communication, laughter, and nervous system regulation in sexual control How ADHD can complicate arousal, stimulation, and orgasm—for better and worse Where premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation may  be adaptive responses Why male pleasure is culturally minimized while male performance is overemphasized We also dive deep into Erotic Blueprints and how naming arousal styles can radically shift shame into curiosity, creativity, and agency. This episode is for: Men who feel like sex has become a test they keep failing Partners who don’t understand why “trying harder” makes things worse Clinicians and educators who want a more humane, body-based framework for male sexuality Anyone ready to stop treating sex like a machine problem and start understanding it as a whole-person experience If you’ve ever wondered why sex feels harder instead of more connected—or why no one ever gave you the blueprint—this conversation is for you. More on Caitlin V: Check out her book Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger: Science, Skills, and Secrets for the Best Sex of Your Life Website Youtube

    59 min

  7. 12/30/2025

    Why She’s Exhausted — And You’re Taking It Personally

    “She has energy for everything else — just not for me.” This episode unpacks one of the most common and damaging misunderstandings I see in relationships, especially when ADHD and autism are part of the picture. We’re talking about why energy isn’t about effort, love, or priority, it’s about access, executive function load, and nervous system cost. And why, in heterosexual relationships, women are so often carrying the emotional and executive labor of the relationship until there’s nothing left. This isn’t about blaming partners or making blanket statements. It’s about understanding how unexamined expectations, gendered roles, and neurodivergent burnout quietly erode connection and why personalizing that burnout keeps couples stuck. You won’t leave with neat answers. You will leave more informed, more curious, and better equipped to stop turning nervous system limits into personal rejections. Disclaimer: This episode is education, not therapy. I’m sharing clinical observations and recurring patterns, not diagnosing, treating, or solving anyone’s relationship in 18 minutes. The point here isn’t to walk away with neat answers, but to walk away better informed, less stuck in the wrong stories, and asking different questions about what’s happening.

    18 min

  8. 12/16/2025

    When Sex Therapy Fails ADHD Brains: What the Research Keeps Getting Wrong

    What happens when sex therapy is built for brains that don’t work like yours? In this episode, I sit down with clinical sexologist, researcher, and former dissertation chair Dr. Erika Miley for an unfiltered, deeply nerdy, and very human conversation about ADHD, sexuality, and why so many people—especially cis women and AFAB individuals—are still being failed by the research and clinical models meant to help them. We talk about the massive gaps in ADHD and sexuality research after puberty, the harm of moralized language in scientific literature, and why traditional sex therapy approaches often increase shame instead of pleasure for neurodivergent clients. We dive into attention, arousal, distraction during sex, performance pressure, and what can help ADHD brains stay engaged—without pathologizing them. This conversation is part research deep-dive, part lived experience, and part call-out to the field: if clinicians aren’t trained in neurodivergence, they’re going to miss the mark. Whether you’re a provider, a researcher, or someone with ADHD who’s been told to “just relax” or “be more present” during sex—this episode will make you feel seen and give you language for what’s really going on.   More about Dr. Erika Miley: Dr. Erika Miley, PhD, LMHC, CST, is a sex therapist, sex researcher, whose work centers ADHD, neurodiversity, and sexual functioning for AFAB folks. She founded TwoX Labs and teaches clinicians evidence-based, trauma-informed continuing education. An AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor in training, she is currently accepting supervisees.  She hosts TwoX Labs as well as The Soft Science, both you can find anywhere you get your podcasts and YouTube.   Socials: @drerikamiley (Insta, Tiktok, YouTube)

    54 min
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5
out of 5
8 Ratings

About

Welcome to ADHD Realities , the podcast where ADHD and sexuality collide in the most empowering, brain friendly way possible. Hosted by Clinical Sexologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Psychotherapist Dr. Leann Borneman, this space is all about unmasking, unlearning, and unleashing your full neurodivergent self, in and out of the bedroom. We live in a world built for neurotypicals, and that narrative has been bringing you down for way too long. Here, we challenge those norms, call out the shame they create, and replace them with tools and truths that actually work for your beautifully wired brain. If you’ve ever felt like your ADHD made intimacy, communication, or self-worth harder, you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not broken. This podcast gives you the full lens, psychological, relational, and sexual, to finally understand your experiences through the ADHD perspective you should’ve had all along. It’s time to stop people pleasing, start permission giving, and take up space, authentically, awkwardly, and unapologetically.. DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy or professional support.

Information

  • Creator
    Dr. Leann Borneman
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    38
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2025 All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    ADHD Realities

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