Beyond Success

David Tian

Beyond Success is the podcast for founders and high achievers asking the bigger questions behind what they're building. You've built a career, maybe a company, perhaps a solid portfolio, and by most measures that's gone well. What brought you here is probably something more specific: a decision you can't make, relationships that keep ending the same way, or a business you're still building at full speed without being sure what it's for. Maybe you exited, and everyone assumes you'll start another one. Maybe you want a marriage and children but keep postponing both. Maybe you have more freedom than you've ever had before but no idea what you should do with it. The usual advice is to get clear on what you want and go after it. But that treats the getting as the hard part. Actually, the hard part comes earlier. A strategy can be excellent and still rest on assumptions you've never examined: needing to stay relevant, needing to prove something, worrying about who you'd be if you stopped. Left alone, they'll keep you working for another decade toward a life you never truly wanted. Then there's a question most advice skips: whether the thing you want is worth wanting, what your way of getting it costs the people dearest to you, and who you're turning into while you go after it. You can succeed at everything you set out to do only to find you've become someone you wouldn't have chosen. Most advice takes the goal as settled and helps you get there faster. This show takes up the goals themselves. I'm David Tian, private adviser to founders, leaders, and high achievers on the bigger questions behind what they're building. My background is in philosophy, psychology, and deep therapeutic work. I was a tenure-track philosophy professor at the National University of Singapore, with a Ph.D. from the University of Michigan and fellowships at Harvard and Princeton. I'm also a Certified IFS Therapy Practitioner (Level 3) and a Brown University Certified Leadership Coach. I draw on modern psychology, Asian philosophy, and two decades of work with accomplished people who have achieved a great deal but still aren't sure what comes next. We take up the questions that remain once ambition has done its job: what a good life asks of you, what's worth wanting, what love is and what it requires, how to hold power over other people without damaging them, what you want to have contributed to the world, and how to face death well. Working through them changes what you build next, and usually changes how you relate to the people you're building it with. If the questions behind what you're building have gotten harder to ignore, this podcast is for you. For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/ Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery/

  1. 3d ago

    #101: The Brutal Cost of Keeping Your Options Open

    You've spent years getting better at managing your time. But what if time management has been helping you avoid the harder problem? Productivity works beautifully when the goal is getting more done. But some of the most important things in life can't be accelerated. If you're single today, you cannot have a twenty-year marriage next year. To have a twenty-year marriage, you need to marry and then spend twenty years growing your marriage. The same is true of an old friendship. You can't manufacture decades of shared history later, no matter how much money, freedom, or efficiency you eventually have. Some things become valuable partly because of the years you've put into them. That's why postponement costs more than the time you postpone. Every year you wait is also a year in which the marriage, friendship, family, or life you say you want isn't becoming what only time can make it. This episode explores themes from Oliver Burkeman's Four Thousand Weeks and a possibility most productivity systems never ask you to consider: maybe you don't have a time-management problem. Maybe you have a decision problem. And if that's true, getting more efficient won't solve it. You have to decide what truly deserves the years before those years are gone. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: The dark side of optimizing your life (and why it took you so long to realize that the optimization was the problem, not the solution (1:17)  The "4000 Weeks" secret that helps you build a meaningful life and minimize your deathbed regrets (2:05)  Why getting better at answering emails doesn't inherently make you more productive (and how hustle culture distracts you from meaningful productivity) (3:32)  How your obsession with productivity is secretly about this bigger, deeper, harder-to-solve problem than simply "time management" (5:12)  The weird and counterintuitive reason that becoming more productive will only make you more rushed and anxious about time disappearing (7:34)  2 questions with concrete answers that will instantly tell you whether another productivity hack will help or stifle your fulfillment (8:48)  Why "Existential Overwhelm" is the singlest biggest obstacle achievers will face in their life (and the tragic reason most achievers only realize this on their deathbed) (10:27)  How keeping your options open subtly, yet pervasively tear every shred of enjoyment, fulfillment, and happiness from your life, piece by painful piece (26:29)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #101: The Brutal Cost of Keeping Your Options Open
  2. Aug 7

    #100: How Success Costs You the Good Life

    Most achievers believe that once they become successful professionally, then personal success will follow: the loving partner, the loyal friends, the children who still want to connect with them at fifty. But it works the other way. Professional success can often cost most people their personal lives, and it can do the damage while they're doing everything else right. Nobody wakes up and decides to postpone a family or let a twenty-year friendship go. It happens in half-hour chunks, over ordinary weeks, and each of those choices makes sense at the time you make it.  This episode explains why, and why it comes out of the same instincts that built your career. The people it costs most are the ones who care most. Clayton Christensen taught at Harvard Business School for decades, then kept going back to his class reunions and watching people who'd graduated with every door open turn up divorced and not speaking to their kids. Not one of them had planned it. You're likely early enough to fix it. This episode covers how. Show Highlights Include: Why do so many people get duped into only caring about something that they'll regret on their deathbed? (1:26)  3 key things you'll never be able to track or put a number to that reveal how good your life actually was or wasn't (1:49)  The sad truth about why so many Harvard graduates end up miserably divorced with no relationship with their children (2:52)  7 words that can prevent you from dying alone (4:40)  How success tricks you into a lifetime of short-term decisions that literally starves your personal life (9:19)  The "2nd thing" secret that every achiever needs if they want to succeed in their personal and professional lives (12:47)  How to chuck yourself off of the metrics train before it enslaves every facet of your existence (21:50)  The insidious "one reasonable exception at a time" trap that rips your fulfillment of life slowly and subtly until you realize everything you built was for nobody (23:53)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #100: How Success Costs You the Good Life
  3. Jul 31

    #99: Marriage Isn't the Risk. The Wrong Partner Is.

    You've watched a friend go through it. The house, the filing, the number the lawyer gave him. He built that business staying up late for years, and now he's watching half of it get divided by a stranger in a courtroom. You went home and did the math on your own situation that same night. Two years in with a partner who seems good, but still no proposal. You tell people it's timing. But you know it isn't just timing. This episode is for the person who sat down with the numbers, the way he sits down with every serious decision, and concluded the downside can't be insured against. The caution is intelligent. The costs are real. Nobody should tell you the fear is silly. But the fear is pointed at the wrong object. The research shows what he should be afraid of instead. By the end of this episode, the question stops being whether to marry, which never had a good answer. It becomes a harder question about a particular person, and that one you can answer this week. Start the episode here. Show Highlights Include: Why 40 year old men think they're afraid of marriage when they're really afraid of this… (2:29)  The cold, hard facts about what divorce costs you (and the reason to marry anyway) (3:44)  How the "argument" against marriage, even as a man with real assets to lose, falls apart in three steps (7:20)  The weirdest way to increase your lifespan by making one decision (backed by a Harvard research study that's also the longest-running study on human happiness) (7:51)  Why most men miscalculate the "Marriage Variable" and how it dooms them to a life of isolation and emptiness (11:42)  How Aristotle's "3 Types of Human Connection" method can help you identify, long before you get on one knee, whether you should marry your partner or keep searching (14:43)  The surefire way to prevent the inevitable heartbreak that follows when you're served the divorce papers and only then realize how your spouse contributed to your life (17:11)  5 rules that tell you exactly the type of woman you should not marry (19:41)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #99: Marriage Isn't the Risk. The Wrong Partner Is.
  4. Jul 24

    #98: Discipline Got You Here, But It Won't Get You What You Really Want

    There are two kinds of success. From the outside they look a lot alike. One of them you already know. Push through, exert your will, apply more effort to the friendships, the relationship, the career, even to your ability to relax. That kind can work. But that's the trap. It pays out just enough to keep you doing it, while the bill accumulates somewhere you're not looking — each success means less than the last, and the people you pushed hard to earn have gradually thinned out. You can feel what it costs. You've just been filing that under drive. The second kind keeps every hour of the discipline but drops what's making it expensive. When you hear it described in this episode, you'll probably think it sounds soft. Pay attention to that reaction. That's the first kind talking. Confucius needed fifty-five years to tell these two apart. Most high achievers never do. Start the episode here. Show Highlights Include: The weird way trying too hard can sometimes be the fastest path to failure (0:52)  Why the two forms of success seem identical to you (even if one form convinces you to self-destruct while the other one leads to almost effortless achievements) (1:59)  How forcing success in your career or relationship always leads to fury, frustration, and ultimately, failure (2:30)  The invisible tax you're being forced to pay every time you succeed (and how to address it before you've taxed yourself dry) (3:07)  The 3 tells of "Forced Success" and what to do if you spot any of these tells in yourself (5:56)  Hearing about how Michelangelo built his amazing statues will forever change the way you think about forcing your effort (15:57)  The "Loose Mesh" secret for attracting without seeking, for planning without rumination, and for conquering without attacking (18:39)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #98: Discipline Got You Here, But It Won't Get You What You Really Want
  5. Jul 17

    #97: Why Success Feels Empty Once You've Made It

    You set a number years ago. The exit, the money, the reputation you wanted to have earned. You then reached it. So why doesn't the life feel the way you thought it would? Here's what most people get wrong about that flatness. They read it as a verdict — like they climbed the wrong mountain, wanted the wrong things — and the fix is always the same. Downshift. Step back. Want less. That's not just wrong. It guarantees you stay stuck, plus bored. The problem was never what you built. It's the engine you built it with. And that engine has a setting almost no one knows they can change. This episode shows you which setting you're running right now, what it's really been giving you, and how to change it. You don't need less ambition. You've never needed less ambition. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: 3 settings of your "ambition engine" and why most achievers live their entire life without realizing that you can change the setting on it (1:13)  The insidious "F-word" that's responsible for both your success and your inability to relax and enjoy it (2:07)  Feel like you climbed up the wrong mountain, played out the wrong career, or even picked the wrong marriage? Here's what these feelings are trying to tell you… (4:03)  How your ambition fuels itself on your deep, subconscious feelings of not being worthy (and how this leads to burnout, exhaustion, and even depression) (6:29)  Why you feel like you have to hustle twice as hard for half the relief (12:14)  5 symptoms that you're being quietly run by "Exhausted Success" because it's impossible to notice by yourself alone (12:58)  How to stop running your life on a fuel with a shelf life by switching to the fuel of "Integrated Success" (17:27)  The cold, hard truth about why you'll never win your way to worth (and why this can be a great thing) (20:02)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #97: Why Success Feels Empty Once You've Made It
  6. Jul 10

    #96: Why the Success You Earned Can't Give You the Life You Want

    You hit the targets. Every goal your younger self set, you cleared. But the feeling that came with it was closer to… nothing. A certain belief comes naturally with success: I earned it, so I deserve it, and having it should feel like something significant. But look hard at that for a second. Did you build your own intelligence from scratch? Your temperament? The drive you're so proud of, the one that woke you up before everyone else? Or did your genes, your parents, and someone who believed in you early on hand you the traits you credit for it all? The scientific research is unkind to the belief: The work ethic you treasure most turns out to be mostly inherited, closer to your height than to anything you made. I know that sounds like a demotion. But it isn't. Learning that you didn't author your success doesn't take the success away. It's what actually enables you to enjoy it. That took me far too long to understand, and I nearly didn't get the chance. You can earn a fortune. But you can't earn love. Press play. Show Highlights Include: A belief that will sound completely reasonable but that strangles your happiness, leaves you feeling flat after reaching big goals, and can lead to an early grave (1:57)  How success tricks you into believing stories and half-truths that only exist to keep you stuck, dissatisfied, and unable to rest easily at night (4:03)  Why being proud of your work ethic is little different, scientifically speaking, than your blood type, height, or hair color (8:50)  The brutal realization about pride that C.S. Lewis forced me to learn (and why realizing the fatal flaw of pride can set up the rest of your life for unbridled joy) (11:19)  How to free yourself from your "Scoreboard Mind" that's driven by envy by understanding what the true opposite of envy is (18:00)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #96: Why the Success You Earned Can't Give You the Life You Want
  7. Jul 3

    #95: You Can't Earn Your Way to Being Loved

    You've spent your life earning. Get good enough, smart enough, successful enough, and surely the love follows. It's the most reasonable plan in the world. You've been running it since before you could speak in full sentences. But it doesn't work. Not because you haven't earned enough yet. But because the whole thing rests on a mistake about how love works, and some part of you signed off on that mistake a long time ago. This episode takes the mistake apart, one piece at a time, until there's nothing left holding it up. If you're smart, you're already arguing with me. Good. Bring the argument. This one is built for the part of you that reasons, not the part that wants reassurance. By the end you'll see what your worth was actually resting on the whole time. It was never what you mistakenly thought. And once you see it, the math you've been running on yourself stops adding up in the old, cruel, false way. Hit play. Then tell me where the argument breaks. Show Highlights Include: The rational explanation behind why you don't feel worthy of love (and irrefutable proof this is false) (3:25)  How modern society squeezes two definitions into one word and why this makes your internal state go haywire (8:52)  Why fictional characters like Homelander from The Boys prove that you can have all the qualities that are supposed to measure your own self-worth and yet, you still lack it (11:24)  Don't feel worthy of love emotionally? Here's the logical reason you are: (18:51)  The only 2 currencies according to renowned philosopher Immanuel Kant (and why only one of these currencies can be earned) (20:01)  How to love yourself even when she doesn't love you back (23:29)  What I wish I understood before almost taking my own life (26:25)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #95: You Can't Earn Your Way to Being Loved
  8. Jun 26

    #94: Good Feelings Are the Wrong Goal

    You did everything right. The silent retreat, the breathwork, the cold plunge, the optimized morning. Every intervention sold to you as the path to feeling good. But you still feel flat. You've also treated goodness like an investment. You did the decent thing and waited to get paid — in status, validation, the win. The payout never came. Those two are the same move. Both go straight for the good feeling and skip the life that produces it. And no wisdom tradition in history ever promised you the payout you've been waiting on. This episode is about why that's the best news you'll get all year: the feeling you keep chasing was never the goal. And the one reward that matters can't be bought, can't be taken, and was in front of you all along while you stared past it at the scoreboard. Understanding this clearly costs something. Most people, tragically, would rather keep the scoreboard and stay empty. Press play if you're done waiting on a bill that's never going to clear. Show Highlights Include: Why you've been deceived into believing that "being good" means getting rewarded, internally, from life (and why ancient traditions can help you step out of this myth)  (3:20)  How the modern wellness industry corrupted ancient wisdom to use it for their financial benefit and at your emotional expense (4:35)  Why keeping score in various aspects of your life naturally makes you falter and fall in those exact areas (10:25)  How to cultivate a good life by hitting rock bottom (this exact scenario played out for my all-time favorite Chinese philosopher) (17:55)  5 ingredients for cultivating a life that's so good internally that you can have every external achievement ripped away from you and you can still find peace and joy (20:00)  The cold, hard truth about why optimizers deprive themselves of the very love they're desperately searching for (23:07)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Feeling like success in one area of life has come at the expense of another? Maybe you've crushed it in your career, but your relationships feel strained. Or you've built the life you thought you wanted, yet there's still something important missing. I've put together a free 3-minute assessment to help you see what's really holding you back. Answer a few simple questions, and you'll get instant access to a personalized masterclass that speaks directly to where you are right now. It's fast. It's practical. And it could change the way you approach leadership, love, and fulfillment. Take the first step here → https://dtphd.com/quiz

    #94: Good Feelings Are the Wrong Goal
5
out of 5
28 Ratings

About

Beyond Success is the podcast for founders and high achievers asking the bigger questions behind what they're building. You've built a career, maybe a company, perhaps a solid portfolio, and by most measures that's gone well. What brought you here is probably something more specific: a decision you can't make, relationships that keep ending the same way, or a business you're still building at full speed without being sure what it's for. Maybe you exited, and everyone assumes you'll start another one. Maybe you want a marriage and children but keep postponing both. Maybe you have more freedom than you've ever had before but no idea what you should do with it. The usual advice is to get clear on what you want and go after it. But that treats the getting as the hard part. Actually, the hard part comes earlier. A strategy can be excellent and still rest on assumptions you've never examined: needing to stay relevant, needing to prove something, worrying about who you'd be if you stopped. Left alone, they'll keep you working for another decade toward a life you never truly wanted. Then there's a question most advice skips: whether the thing you want is worth wanting, what your way of getting it costs the people dearest to you, and who you're turning into while you go after it. You can succeed at everything you set out to do only to find you've become someone you wouldn't have chosen. Most advice takes the goal as settled and helps you get there faster. This show takes up the goals themselves. I'm David Tian, private adviser to founders, leaders, and high achievers on the bigger questions behind what they're building. My background is in philosophy, psychology, and deep therapeutic work. I was a tenure-track philosophy professor at the National University of Singapore, with a Ph.D. from the University of Michigan and fellowships at Harvard and Princeton. I'm also a Certified IFS Therapy Practitioner (Level 3) and a Brown University Certified Leadership Coach. I draw on modern psychology, Asian philosophy, and two decades of work with accomplished people who have achieved a great deal but still aren't sure what comes next. We take up the questions that remain once ambition has done its job: what a good life asks of you, what's worth wanting, what love is and what it requires, how to hold power over other people without damaging them, what you want to have contributed to the world, and how to face death well. Working through them changes what you build next, and usually changes how you relate to the people you're building it with. If the questions behind what you're building have gotten harder to ignore, this podcast is for you. For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/ Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery/

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