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Distorted View Daily

An Adult Comedy Podcast For Freaks!

  1. -1 J • ABONNÉS UNIQUEMENT

    Merkin Me Crazy: Introducing The Pubic Hair Thong - SIDESHOW

    🎙️ Episode Summary Tim Henson returns with a Thursday Sideshow exclusive packed with bizarre arrests, deranged pickup artists, and the triumphant return of the Merkin. From a drunk woman’s self-arrest to Kim Kardashian’s new “pubic hair thong,” it’s another deeply twisted day in the Distorted View universe. 🧩 On Today’s Show Pre-Arrested: A woman makes cops’ jobs easy by climbing into the back of a patrol car “as a goof.” Spoiler: it didn’t end with a ride to the bar. Pickup Gone Wrong: An overzealous golf-course creep delivers a violent Shakespearean soliloquy about “exhilarating beauty” to a terrified beverage cart girl. Road Rage Ramming: A wannabe vigilante documents his own crash after chasing and “ramming that bitch ass.” Fashion News: Kim Kardashian revives Merkins with her new Skims “pubic hair thong” line. Faux curls for every carpet shade. Law Tip: A Michigan attorney learns the hard way that “thank you, fucking cunt” is not an acceptable closing statement during Zoom court. 💄 Featured Story: Kim Kardashian’s “Merkin Chic” Skims introduces a 1970s-inspired faux-pubic-hair thong line marketed as “The Ultimate Bush.” Available in 14 textures and colors, it’s already sold out—because apparently there’s no limit to what people will pay for fake crotch fuzz. ⚖️ Legal Lesson of the Day Michigan lawyer Marshall Tauber gets slapped with contempt after dropping a C-bomb at a judge on Zoom. His defense? “I thought I was muted.” The appellate court disagreed, reaffirming that tech failure and misogyny don’t mix well in courtrooms. 🧠 Tim’s Commentary Trump’s “Fight, Fight, Fight” watch collection gets roasted—half the orders never arrive, and when they do, they say “Rump Watch.” A plea for more Trump-branded products: The Trump Cybertruck Gold Edition. Why drunk white girls think cop cars are Uber now. When “pickup artistry” turns into “hostage negotiation.” Listener voicemails about Greta Thunberg, Lord Douche’s anime obsession, and shady return-without-receipt scams.

    37 min
  2. -2 J · BONUS • ABONNÉS UNIQUEMENT

    An ICE Uno Reverse, Señor! - BONUS SEGMENT - SIDESHOW

    💻 The Great Network Meltdown of 2025 Tim kicks off a short bonus show by recounting a midnight tech disaster: his home’s wired network goes down while Lord Douche is in Florida, triggering a long-distance IT meltdown. What follows is a symphony of FaceTime frustration, flickering patch panels, and 4% phone battery anxiety as Lord Douche insists Tim somehow “broke the internet.” Spoiler: the culprit was a rogue Ethernet switch, not Tim’s cursed RGB “Glorb” lamp. No apology was issued—just a passive-aggressive “hope you slept well” text. 🗣️ Lord Douche vs. Google When he’s not diagnosing phantom network failures, Lord Douche uses Tim as his personal voice assistant. Need to know how to make Peking duck or install a garbage disposal? Just shout “Hey Timmy!” even though he’s holding a smartphone capable of doing exactly that. Tim reflects on life as a human Siri trapped in an endless loop of useless Google requests. 🚨 Citizen ICE Patrol Gone Wild Next up, Tim shares a freak-out clip featuring a self-appointed “volunteer ICE agent” in Florida. The man, convinced a local apartment complex is “overrun by Mexicans,” goes door-to-door flashing a fake badge from the Department of Agriculture. Things spiral as he argues with police about “open carry laws” and insists he’s saving America one illegal mattress inspection at a time. The result? A felony charge for impersonating an officer and burglary—because, yes, he broke into an apartment himself. The Mexicans played the Uno reverse card (literally a Mexican word, as Tim points out). 🏎️ Drift Tokyo: Wheelchair Edition Finally, a new Linda Finkel Hall of Fame nominee drifts onto the scene—a man in a motorized wheelchair performing Tokyo drift maneuvers while rapping about sushi, Mount Fuji, and feeling bougie. His charisma, flow, and reckless joystick swagger make him an instant DV legend. He’s also the featured image for today’s episode at distortedview.com and superfreaksideshow.com. 💬 Closing Notes Tim wraps things up with gratitude for Sideshow members, teasing a full-length exclusive show tomorrow. Until then, he’s signing off—network restored, glorbs dimmed, and douche-free (for now).

    17 min
  3. -3 J • ABONNÉS UNIQUEMENT

    From Incel Hymns to Trans Messiah: The Chris Chan Ascension - SIDESHOW

    On Today's Show: 🧠 Mead Skelton’s Holy Email War Mead sends Tim a random “Jesus loves you” email, sparking another round of passive-aggressive religious warfare. Tim theorizes Mead’s recent “weight loss” is actually the result of being ill, not healthy living. The feud continues: demons, donuts, and diarrhea. ✝️ Jesus Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu Prime Chris Chan delivers cryptic monologues about “dimensional merges,” Merlin the Magician, and Sonic the Hedgehog’s role in universal realignment. Henson analyzes Chris’s “light language” (a blend of gibberish, prophecy, and karaoke). Includes the instant classic: “Tell Me Why (I Was a Virgin Good Race)” — Chris Chan’s inspirational ballad for incels. Quote of the day: “Pussy is pussy, whether it’s your mom or your multiverse self.” 🎶 Jan Terry’s Triumphant Return The queen of outsider pop is back with Hot Dog Baby and Online Dating from her 2022 album Songs for Hope. Tim declares Online Dating “better than anything Mead Skelton’s recorded.” Highlights include fake dating sites like GothDate.com (languages spoken: Goblinese). Special guest: Baby Blue in the music video! 🏫 Teacher of the Year (From the 1850s) A male teacher claims women shouldn’t be educated and “shouldn’t know more than we let them know.” His students debate whether he’s serious. Spoiler: he is. Tim speculates this all stems from his wife asking “too many questions.” 🌮 News of the Weird 🏃 The Taco Bell 50K Ultramarathon Contestants must eat Taco Bell at nine locations over a 31-mile course. Rules: keep your wrappers, don’t vomit, and use only Taco Bell bathrooms. “Zero-tolerance policy on puking” becomes the new DV motto. 🍔 Drive-By Cheeseburger Assault Former strip club employee hurls a cheeseburger at a man during a heated argument. The victim sustains “bodily harm” from the beef projectile. The assailant shows “no remorse” and says he’d “do it again.” Tim: “Thankfully, he was only armed with a Big Mac.” 🍑 The Butt Lady Murder Trial Self-styled “butt specialist” convicted of killing Married With Children bit actress Cinderella Santangelo via illegal silicone injections. Defendant claims “the puncture marks were too high — not my work.” DV News Verdict: Guilty of bad cosmetic decisions. 📞 Listener Voicemails Goons Vader Jisberg reports live from Dore Alley in San Francisco, detailing the rise of wedgie faggotry and promoting “BlueSky Wedgie Faggot.” Some Guy in Japan praises Tim’s Japanese translation of “Control My Asshole,” predicts AI will put translators out of business. Rabbi Nickel delivers the ultimate Mead clapback: “Jews smell like deodorant and books — two things you know nothing about.” A mystery caller attempts to capture a live domestic dispute but fumbles the recording.

    41 min
  4. -4 J • ABONNÉS UNIQUEMENT

    Teenage Mutant Deepthroating Turtles, Cowabunga! - BONUS SEGMENT - SIDESHOW

    🐢 Cowabunga! Porn Parodies Gone Green Tim dives into EFUKT’s latest compilation, starting with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle porn parody that features “tubular t*****s” and dildo-fueled pizza parties. There’s also an overachieving cum cannon that defies physics and a cheating boyfriend who multitasks by phoning his girlfriend mid-thrust. It’s all in a day’s work for the internet’s weirdest corner. ✝️ Jesus and Charlie Kirk’s Heavenly Horse Ranch Next, things take a spiritual turn — straight into insanity. Self-proclaimed prophets share their divine visions of conservative commentator Charlie Kirk riding horses with Jesus in heaven. Apparently, the Son of God has plenty of free time for equestrian activities with right-wing influencers. ⛪ “You Can Be Black, But You Can’t Be Black” A pair of racist “pastors” debate whether Black people should be allowed in their church — and, in typical extremist fashion, the conversation derails into talk of “stoning rebellious sons.” Tim unpacks their biblical mental gymnastics with his trademark mix of outrage and disbelief. 🎃 Satanic Pumpkins and the Devil’s Gorgles Finally, it’s off to Conway, Arkansas, where one God-fearing resident is convinced Halloween decorations are summoning demons. From animatronic gremlins to “gorgle” worship, Tim mocks this local moral panic that’s somehow become a full-blown news story. 💀 Closing Thoughts From pizza-slapping turtle t**s to horse ranches in heaven, this episode has it all: cum geysers, racism in robes, and satanic pumpkins. It’s the perfect storm of sex, sin, and stupidity — just another day in the Distorted View universe.

    16 min
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915 notes

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An Adult Comedy Podcast For Freaks!

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