Complex Couples Podcast

Heidi Applegarth
  • 5.0 (6)
  • RELATIONSHIPS
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

Welcome! This is a space where your marriage matters, your values matter, and your choices matter. I’m Heidi, a couples therapist and founder of Complex Couples Coaching. I help couples navigate complex marriages, especially where mixed-orientation, desire discrepancies, attraction changes, or mixed gender identity play a role. My goal is to help you see your relationship clearly and make decisions rooted in integrity rather than fear. Learn to navigate complicated issues so you can make choices and thrive in whatever choice you make. Join me as I share insights about marriage that specifically apply to your situation. I’ll walk you through complicated issues such as: • What to do when your husband or wife comes out as gay, bisexual or trans • Whether mixed-orientation marriages can thrive or just merely survive • How attraction works and if you have to give it up if you want to stay married • Loss of desire in long-term marriage and how to get it back • Navigating high-conflict situations in a way that increases self-respect • Working through feelings of resentment • Rebuilding trust after emotional betrayal or secrets Subscribe and join a community of people committed to allowing marriage to shape them into better humans.

Episodes

  1. 4D AGO

    My Spouse Wants To Stay But Says He’s Not Attracted to Me. Now What Do I Do?

    What do you do when you’ve worked on yourself, shown up well, and your spouse still isn’t attracted to you but says they want to stay?  Learn how to stop waiting for clarity, read your partner’s actions, and decide how you want to show up in the relationship. We talk about The difference between asking “Why don’t they want me?” and “How do I want to show up given reality?” Why pressure and neediness decrease attraction even when you’ve “done everything right” How your spouse’s actions, not their words, reveal what’s actually happening The role of courage in relationships, especially around sexuality and honesty How testing your partner keeps you stuck Why suppression, affairs, or pornography may reflect lack of sexual integration and has nothing to do with your worth The importance of self-respect and choosing how you engage, rather than waiting to be chosen This Week’s Invitation Notice where you are waiting for your spouse to decide something. Ask yourself if their actions have already given you an answer.  Then consider how you want to show up, given that reality. Book Mentioned To learn more about high desire and low desire partners, read this! Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch Let’s Connect Join me on my YouTube channel Complex Couples Podcasthttps://www.youtube.com/@complexcouplespodcast Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    19 min

  2. APR 21

    How Can I Ever Be Enough For My Spouse?

    How can I ever be enough for my spouse — especially in a mixed-orientation marriage?  In this episode I challenge that question and explore a more grounded, self-responsible way to think about worth, attraction, and intimacy.  We Talk Through Why “being enough for your spouse” is the wrong question and how it keeps you dependent on their validation The reality that no partner can meet every need, and why expecting that creates pressure and disconnection A personal story of learning to accept one’s own body and how self-acceptance changes sexual and relational dynamics The shift from “Am I enough for them?” to “Am I enough for me?” Differentiation in action: addressing what you can change, accepting what you cannot, and allowing your partner their response This Week’s Invitation Choose one area where you feel “not enough” and turn toward it.  Ask yourself honestly: can I change this, or do I need to learn to accept it?  Then take one step in that direction without asking your partner to validate it for you. For More Information…  Passionate Marriage – David Schnarch• Come As You Are – Emily Nagoski• Esther Perel Ted Talk• Free guide: When a Spouse Comes Out Connect Join me on my YouTube channel Complex Couples Podcasthttps://www.youtube.com/@complexcouplespodcast  Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about. If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    18 min

  3. APR 14

    Daniel’s Perspective: Why I Told My Best Friend First and How it Impacted Our Marriage

    What does it mean when your spouse comes out — but tells someone else first? This episode explores the tension between betrayal and capacity, and how to make sense of that experience without losing yourself. What question or problem does this episode address? How can I be understanding when my spouse shared something deeply personal with someone else before telling me — especially in the context of coming out?   We Talk About: Why someone may come out to a friend before their spouse The role of shame, fear, and emotional readiness in coming out What it means when you’re not the one they confide in first The difference between betrayal and emotional capacity How couples can begin to make sense of this experience together   This Week’s Invitation Notice what you’re making your spouse’s timing mean about you—and gently question whether that meaning is actually true.   Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    40 min

  4. APR 7

    My Marriage Isn’t the Same Anymore. Now What?

    What do you do when your marriage doesn’t feel like it used to — and you want it back? This episode explores why going back isn’t the goal, and how shifting toward self-validation can change how you show up and experience your relationship.    Key Talking Points • Why trying to “get back to the way things were” often keeps you stuck• How relying on your partner for validation creates frustration and disconnection• The shift from emotional dependency to self-validation—and how it changes your behavior and your marriage   This Week’s Invitation Notice when your mind tells you a story about what your partner’s behavior means. Practice choosing a different interpretation and experiment with how you show up when you assume love instead of doubt.   Resources  • Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch• Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt• Parenting concepts from Amy McCready   Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    16 min

  5. MAR 31

    A Subtle Dynamic that Destroys Connection in Relationships

    Why do I feel so frustrated or disconnected from my spouse… and could it be coming from a subtle sense of superiority rather than what they’re doing wrong? This episode explores the hidden dynamic that blocks connection and how shifting into equality changes everything.  Key Talking Points: How frustration and anger often mask a position of judgment or subtle superiority The shift from “this is the truth” to “this is what I believe” and why it matters How finding your own humanness softens resentment and creates real connection  This Week’s Invitation Notice where you feel frustrated with your spouse and ask yourself: Am I standing above them or beside them? Experiment with shifting from certainty to curiosity in one conversation this week. Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    12 min

  6. MAR 24

    My Spouse Hid His Sexuality. Why Can’t I Get Over It?

    What do you do with the anger you feel after discovering your spouse hid something significant about themselves?  In this episode, Heidi explores why anger after disclosure is a normal response and how learning to understand it can help you gain clarity about your relationship and yourself.   Key Talking Points: Why anger after discovering a hidden truth in marriage is a normal and important emotional signal The “check engine light” metaphor: how anger points to something in the relationship that needs attention Why suppressing anger or obsessing over it both keep people stuck How replaying memories after disclosure is a common attempt to make sense of reality The difference between facts and the stories our minds create after betrayal or discovery Why trying to force answers from a partner you don’t trust can actually create more confusion How learning to trust your own perception again is a key step in healing Why compassion and truth both matter when navigating disclosure and rebuilding trust How creating an environment that can tolerate honesty may increase the chances of truthful conversations    This Week’s Invitation When anger shows up this week, pause and ask yourself two questions: What might this anger be trying to tell me?  What do I actually know to be true right now? Try writing down what you know for certain versus what you may be assuming, and take one small step toward gaining more clarity.   Your Next Steps If you’re interested in a course for this topic, please visit complexcouplescoaching.com and submit your email or send a message to heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com

    24 min

  7. MAR 17

    Daniel’s Perspective: A Different Kind of Authenticity

    What does authenticity really mean when someone experiences same-sex attraction but chooses to remain in a heterosexual marriage?  In this episode, Heidi’s husband Daniel shares his perspective on disclosure, freedom, and why he chooses to remain in a mixed-orientation marriage. We Talk About Why Daniel prefers different language (gay, same-sex attraction, etc.) depending on the audience How secrecy can amplify shame and why bringing struggles into the open changed everything The role of self-determination: why Daniel believes each person has the right to choose the life they want How disclosure shifted Daniel’s understanding of attraction, temptation, and the shared human experience Why freedom—not obligation—is central to their marriage How recognizing choice helped their relationship grow stronger rather than feel restrictive Why Daniel is willing to speak publicly about this experience while still maintaining privacy in parts of his life The importance of allowing multiple paths for people navigating same-sex attraction and marriage This Week’s Invitation Consider where the idea of “authenticity” may feel restrictive in your life. Ask yourself whether authenticity might sometimes mean choosing the life you value most, rather than the life others expect you to live. A Few Links Free Guide. If this episode resonated with you, download the free guide “When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 Practical Tools to Help You Navigate the Aftermath of Disclosure or Discovery.” You can also share your story or submit questions for future episodes at complexcouplescoaching.com/questions • Website: complexcouplescoaching.com

    32 min

  8. MAR 10

    The Problem with “I Know How You Feel”

    In this episode, I share a personal story from hiking Machu Picchu to illustrate something that quietly damages many relationships: assuming we know why our partner feels the way they feel. Misunderstanding emotions is one of the most common communication problems in marriage. It often happens when we assume instead of asking. It’s easy to interpret tears, anger, silence, or frustration through our own lens. But assumptions often miss the deeper truth. When we assume instead of asking, communication suffers. There’s even a moment in this episode where I catch myself doing it. See if you can spot it. This is a hard habit to break. A quick clarification: noticing someone’s emotion is not the same thing as assuming why they feel it. Saying something like, “It seems like you're angry right now… am I reading that right?” can be a way of checking your understanding. The problem comes when we assume we already know the reason behind someone’s feelings. We talk about: Why emotional assumptions create misunderstanding• How misreading anger or upset escalates conflict• Why curiosity is more powerful than certainty• A simple shift that can change the tone of hard conversations If you’ve ever been told, “I hate it when you assume you know what I’m thinking,” this episode is for you. This Week’s Invitation Instead of reacting, what happens when you pause and ask? You might be surprised how often the story you’re telling yourself about your partner’s feelings isn’t the story they would tell.   Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about. If you’d like to learn more, I created a free guide called:“When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 Practical Tools to Help You Navigate the Aftermath of Disclosure or Discovery.” You can download it here. Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    5 min

  9. MAR 3

    I Just Want You to Want Me: The Hidden Desire Killers in Marriage

    In this episode, Heidi explores the tension between emotional closeness and sexual desire in long-term monogamous relationships, especially within mixed-orientation marriages. After sharing a personal story from early in her own journey, she dives into the deeper question: What actually fuels attraction – and what quietly kills it? Heidi outlines four common “desire killers” that often show up in marriages where partners feel disconnected, tolerated, or unsure about attraction. In This Episode Why attraction matters deeply in mixed-orientation marriages The difference between being tolerated and being genuinely desired Why you cannot control whether someone is attracted to you How systems resist change (homeostasis) when you begin shifting your behavior The 4 Desire Killers: Dependence or Emotional RelianceWhen your sense of worth depends on your partner’s validation, desire erodes. Differentiation — standing on your own two feet while staying connected — is key. AccommodationOver-accommodating and giving yourself up in the name of love often destroys self-respect and mutual respect. One-Up / One-Down DynamicsParent-child patterns, power struggles, or subservience undermine equality — and equality fuels desire. Too Much ClosenessSmothering kills the flame. Desire requires space, freedom, and individuality. Heidi challenges listeners to consider where they may be pressuring, controlling, or seeking validation — and invites them to experiment with change from the inside out. This Week’s Invitation Notice where you may be trying to control your partner instead of working on yourself. Choose one area where you can increase your differentiation and experiment with showing up differently. Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    14 min

  10. FEB 26

    Creating Space for Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Now There’s A Booth for You - Debut Episode

    In this debut episode of The Complex Couples Podcast, I share my personal story of being married for 18 years when my husband disclosed that he was attracted to men.  I talk about the disorientation, the fear, the questions, and the conflicting messages I encountered. And all while in a marriage and family program. Most importantly, we explore a question you may be quietly asking: Do I have to end my marriage because of this? This episode introduces the purpose of this podcast: creating a space, what I like to call a “booth”, for couples who don’t feel like they fit neatly anywhere. In This Episode, We Talk About: The moment my husband came out and what it felt like The immediate questions that flooded my mind: If he’s attracted to men, can he still be attracted to me? Is he staying for the kids? Is he staying because of religion? Am I a burden to him? The conflicting cultural messages about mixed-orientation marriages Why I didn’t want to automatically assume divorce was the only path What actually makes marriages thrive (and why ours was not an exception) The importance of choice in marriage Why language around sexuality can feel triggering and how not to let it block growth Why triggers can act as lighthouses for growth You deserve a place where your marriage has room. You deserve tools and information so you can confidently decide what you want. This podcast is not about forcing you to stay. It’s not about forcing you to leave. It’s about helping you: Understand what makes relationships work Learn what facilitates desire in marriage Reduce dependence on your relationship for your personal happiness Make informed, empowered choices This Week’s Invitation Treat your marriage with the same care you would give any other relationship you believed had real romantic potential. And see what happens. Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.com Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    16 min

  11. SEASON 1 TRAILER

    Welcome to Complex Couples Coaching with Heidi Applegarth

    Hello and welcome to the Complex Couples Podcast! I'm Heidi. I'm a couples therapist and relationship coach specializing in mixed orientation marriages and mixed gender identity relationships.  Whether you're just discovering this reality, or you've been on this journey for a long time.  This is the space where your marriage matters, your values matter, and your choices matter.  Let's dive in. Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about. If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: heidi@complexcouplescoaching.comYour emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.

    23 sec

Trailer

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
6 Ratings

About

Welcome! This is a space where your marriage matters, your values matter, and your choices matter. I’m Heidi, a couples therapist and founder of Complex Couples Coaching. I help couples navigate complex marriages, especially where mixed-orientation, desire discrepancies, attraction changes, or mixed gender identity play a role. My goal is to help you see your relationship clearly and make decisions rooted in integrity rather than fear. Learn to navigate complicated issues so you can make choices and thrive in whatever choice you make. Join me as I share insights about marriage that specifically apply to your situation. I’ll walk you through complicated issues such as: • What to do when your husband or wife comes out as gay, bisexual or trans • Whether mixed-orientation marriages can thrive or just merely survive • How attraction works and if you have to give it up if you want to stay married • Loss of desire in long-term marriage and how to get it back • Navigating high-conflict situations in a way that increases self-respect • Working through feelings of resentment • Rebuilding trust after emotional betrayal or secrets Subscribe and join a community of people committed to allowing marriage to shape them into better humans.

Information

  • Creator
    Heidi Applegarth
  • Years Active
    2K
  • Episodes
    11
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2026 2026
  • Show Website
    Complex Couples Podcast

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