Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Alex Alexander
  • 4.9 (61)
  • Relationships
  • Weekly

Tired of hearing “just put yourself out there” when it comes to friendship or community? Same. Friendship IRL is the podcast that skips the fluff and gets real about what it takes to build meaningful adult friendships and lasting support systems. Whether you're struggling to make new friends, maintain old ones, or just want people in your life who really show up, you're in the right place. Each week, host Alex Alexander brings you honest conversations and tangible strategies to help you connect—for real. You’ll hear stories from everyday people (plus the occasional expert), learn what’s working in modern friendships—and what definitely isn’t—and walk away with ideas, scripts, and action steps you can actually use. Think of it like a coffee date with your wisest, most encouraging friend—the one who tells the truth and hands you the playbook. 🎧 New episodes drop every Thursday. 💬 Want to share your friendship win or struggle? Leave Alex a voice message at AlexAlex.chat. Follow along on Instagram or TikTok @itsalexalexander and join the movement to rethink how we build connection, community, and friendships in real life.

  1. 4h ago

    Grieving the Loss of a Friend with Hannah Rumsey

    When you lose a friend, the world doesn't always know what that looks like, and sometimes, neither do you. Why does it feel like you have to prove how much they mattered before anyone lets you be sad? Hannah Rumsey is a certified grief educator and the founder of Friends Missing Friends, one of the first communities built specifically for people grieving the loss of a friend.  We talk about what it's like to grieve a friend, and why Hannah started calling Lauren her best friend just so people would take her grief seriously. We also talked about the importance of play, and why laughing until you're dizzy can be just as legitimate a foundation for friendship as the deep, serious conversations we tend to rank higher. If you're carrying the loss of a friend, this one is for you. But even if you've never lost a friend, I think you'll find something here too. In this episode you’ll hear about: What a coworker said to Hannah after Lauren died, and why no one would say it after losing a parentThe reason most workplaces don't offer bereavement leave when you lose a friendWhy being introduced as a “really close friend” instead of a best friend can stingWhat Hannah would tell you to say and do when a friend has just lost a friendWhy play is so undervalued in adult friendshipsResources & Links Learn more about Hannah on her website, Friends Missing Friends, and check out her podcast. Episode 4: Navigating Friendship Through Life Transitions Episode 12: Digging Into the 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots Episode 18: How To Support a Friend Who Is Grieving Episode 76: Losing a Best Friend and Navigating Grief Episode 100: How To Use the Wheel of Connection to Strengthen Your Support System WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  2. Oct 29

    Becoming a Regular: How Third Places Open the Door to Unexpected Friendships

    If a real third place opened in your neighborhood tomorrow, would you actually use it? And I don't just mean would you walk in. I mean would you sit down next to a stranger, let the conversation go wherever it goes, and leave with a connection you didn't plan for? We talk a lot about bringing third places back, and we should. Ray Oldenburg estimated that the US had lost about 90% of those everyday hangout spots! But what has to shift in us for those spaces to work? My guest today is Karen Christensen, a writer, publisher, and environmentalist who corresponded with Ray for 20 years before they ever met in person, and is now carrying his work forward. We've gotten so used to curating who we let in. We filter for the right age, the right life stage, the right personality and interests. Karen and I talk about why that habit might be part of the problem, and about a word she's a little obsessed with right now, propinquity! We also get into why a third place isn't the same thing as a park or a library, why I still haven't found mine, and what you can do if your neighborhood doesn't have one at all. In this episode you’ll hear about: The magic of bank lobbies, side patios, pub sheds, and other unique places to connectWhy Karen used to find chatty older people annoying, and what changed her mindThe two friends I’ve never met in person, and why they were my first call when I landed a book dealThe turquoise picnic table Karen painted for her front yard, and the simple invitation she's working up toWhat Victorian novels can teach us about friendship and proximityResources & Links Learn more about Karen on her Substack, The Way We Live Now.  Episode 38: Bringing Third Places Back To Our Communities Episode 39: Take Action: Reviving Third Places and Walkable Communities Episode 104: Getting Less Passive and More Active on Podcasts and Social Media with Sharon Walters The Great Good Place by Ray Oldenburg The Turquoise Table by Kristin Schell WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  3. Oct 22

    Cousin, Sister, Best Friend: The Stories Built Into Our Labels

    Just because someone is your sibling, cousin, or best friend, does that mean your relationship has to look a certain way? For episode 200 (I still can't quite believe I'm saying that!), I'm digging into the titles we give the people in our lives. Every one of those titles comes with expectations. We assume siblings are close, best friends show up for everything, and relationships with in-laws are complicated. But none of those assumptions tell us much about the actual relationship. Using my roots of friendship framework, I walk through how these titles become inherited story roots — beliefs and expectations we've picked up from family, culture, and media without necessarily choosing them ourselves. And when our actual relationships don't match those expectations? Sometimes we judge ourselves, question the relationship, and end up doing all the work, trying to make a relationship fit a title it was never going to live up to. I'm not suggesting you lower your expectations or stop wanting close relationships with the people in your life. But maybe it's worth asking whether there's a smaller, truer story that better reflects the relationship you actually have. In this episode you’ll hear about: The coffee shop test for surfacing the expectations you didn't know you had about cousins, best friends, and in-lawsWhy the best friend title can leave you feeling like you're the one falling shortThe risk (and occasional magic) of deciding someone is your best friend after two hangoutsWhat your reaction to someone else’s distant sibling relationship reveals about your own expectationsResources & Links Episode 12: Digging Into the 3 Types of Friendship Roots Episode 50: Confession: I’ve Never Had a Best Friend WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  4. Oct 15

    Your Friend Is Carrying an Invisible Backpack (And So Are You) with Stacey Uhrig

    What if you stopped needing to “fix” your friends? In this episode, certified trauma care practitioner Stacey Uhrig and I are talking about the “invisible backpacks” we all carry into our friendships. Inside that backpack are the lived experiences, beliefs, interpretations, protective patterns, and survival strategies someone has collected throughout their life. And when you look at friendship through that lens, a lot of things start to shift. Stacey and I talk through what it looks like to get curious about a friend’s behavior, from the hyper-independent friend, the friend who keeps canceling, and the relationships where you understand someone, but still have to ask yourself whether the friendship is working for you. We also talk about the part most of us would rather skip: our own backpack. Because yes, your friend might have a protective pattern. They might have a reason they don’t accept help, confide in you, show up consistently, or respond the way you wish they would. But your reaction to their behavior also comes from somewhere. And sometimes the most useful question is, “why does this matter so much to me?” In this episode you’ll hear about: How the urge to help a friend can sometimes reveal more about your nervous system than theirsWhy positive moments like birthdays, gifts, or being celebrated can still feel uncomfortable How a hyper-independent friend who refuses meals, check-ins, or support might not be rejecting you at allStacey’s trauma-informed critique of the “let them” theoryWhy some lifelong friendships feel impossible to walk away from, even when the connection no longer fitsResources & Links Learn more about Stacey’s work on her website, Flip Your Mindset. Episode 145: How To Reframe Rejection and Build Stronger Connections Episode 167: How To Ask Someone To Hang Out (Without Making It Weird) Episode 192: Disappointment Is the Cost of Friendship WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  5. Oct 8

    When Friendship Doesn’t Look Like You Thought It Would

    Have you ever seen someone else’s friendship online and immediately felt that little pang?  One day I started thinking about the TV show Friends, and girls’ trips, and the friend groups online who live next door to each other or travel with five families or somehow make the version of friendship we imagined look effortless. And then I had to stop myself, because I have beautiful friendships and do cool things with my friends all the time. So why did one reel on social media make me feel like I was missing out? In today’s episode, I’m talking about the gap between the friendship vision in your head and the season of friendship you’re actually living. Sometimes that gap shows us something we want more of. Sometimes it reveals a choice we could start making. And sometimes, if we look a little closer, we realize we already have a version of what we wanted — it just doesn’t look exactly like the image we had in mind. In this episode you’ll hear about: How friendship fantasies from sitcoms, movies, books, and social media can become a measuring stick for our real livesWhy the friendships you have right now reflect your location, values, priorities, and the season you’re inWhy friendship planning is a little like money planning, and how to create a more spontaneous friendship cultureHow to notice the version of your friendship dream that is already happening in this seasonResources & Links Episode 179: What Is Friendship Culture? (And How To Shift It Without Blowing Everything Up) Episode 89: Want a Couch Friend? You Need to Be a Couch Friend Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  6. Oct 1

    What a Ugandan Village Taught Tom Karrel About Belonging

    Everyone is talking about building a village right now. It’s on social media, in parenting forums, in wellness content, in the conversations we have when we’re exhausted and lonely and wondering why support feels so hard to find. But how many of us have actually experienced a REAL village? Today’s guest, Tom Karrel, has spent a lot of time thinking about it. Tom is the author of The Lost Art of Random Conversations, and he has more than 10,000 hours of group facilitation experience across 45 countries. He also spent years living and working in Uganda, including in rural village communities where the pace, expectations, and social fabric look very different from the way many of us live in the U.S. In this episode, Tom and I talk about what it felt like to enter a 350-person Ugandan village as an outsider, how learning to greet people in the local language became a bridge, and why “going first” is often the only way into connection. We also talk about time, uncertainty, social trust, Ring doorbells, random conversations, Seattle sidewalks, Mexican fishermen, and what it means to put your phone away long enough to notice the person standing in front of you. In this episode you’ll hear about: How being visibly different forced Tom to practice vulnerability, humility, and going first over and over againWhat living in a 350-person village taught Tom about presence, schedules, and the way we prioritize tasks vs. peopleWhy the interruptions we avoid might be the exact moments that make life feel more connectedWhat the “Seattle Freeze” has to do with social trust, small risks, and choosing to smile at strangers anywayWhy fumbling through a new language in a Ugandan village is not that different from trying to make friends at a gymResources & Links Check out Tom’s book, The Lost Art of Random Conversations and learn more about him on his website. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  7. Sep 24

    Financial Literacy as a Friendship Goal & Money Conversations We Should Be Having With Friends

    Do you talk about money with your friends? Money can bring up jealousy, comparison, shame, judgment, and all kinds of feelings we may not want to bring into our friendships.  But I also think there is so much power in these conversations. You do not have to start by sharing your salary, your mortgage payment, or the amount in your savings account. Sometimes talking about money means sharing a budgeting app, a credit card strategy, a financial goal, a resource, a work benefit, a business decision, or the reason you are saying no to a trip this year. In this episode, I’m walking through the five layers of talking about money with friends, the kinds of money conversations I’ve had recently, and why even the lower-pressure layers can give us more understanding, more grace, and more possibility in our friendships and our lives. In this episode you’ll hear about:  Why a story shared at girls’ night changed the way I think about credit and financial independenceWhy benefits, PTO, 401k matches, and health insurance can be easier entry points than salary when talking about work and moneyHow knowing a friend’s financial goals can help you understand their “no” without taking it personallyWhy talking about money can bring up jealousy, comparison, or feeling left behindWhy even a “layer one” money conversation might open a door your friend did not know was availableResources & Links Episode 61: The Layers of Talking About Money With Friends Episode 168: Jealous of a Friend? Here’s What That Feeling Is About Episode 181: The Secrets We Keep (for Our Friends) Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

  8. Sep 17

    Bestiemonies, Friendship Vows, and the Ceremony You Didn't Know You Needed with Jennifer Hobbs

    We have so many rituals for romantic love, between weddings, anniversaries, showers, and celebrations. But what do we have for friendship? Today I’m talking with Jennifer Hobbs, owner of Rhinestone Wedding Chapel in Nashville and creator of Bestiemony, a friendship commitment ceremony she created after realizing that the vows she hears at weddings every day also sounded a lot like the promises her best friends had been keeping for years. Jennifer shares what actually happens inside of one of these ceremonies, and why saying the thing out loud can change the way you see a friendship going forward. We talk about the friends who get us through the heartbreaks, hard seasons, and everyday emotional spirals — and how strange it is that these relationships often only get a few lines in someone else’s wedding speech or a heartfelt paragraph after they’re gone. If these are some of the most important relationships in our lives, why wouldn’t we want to celebrate them while our friends are here to actually hear it?  In this episode you’ll hear about: The matching outfits, friendship backstories, written vows, pinky promises that make up Jennifer’s tiny chapelWhy filming the ceremony matters, and Jennifer’s dream to turn this into a traveling girl’s weekendHow watching other best friends tell their stories could help someone understand what a “good” friendship can look likeWhy the uniqueness of a Bestiemony might feel uncomfortable or even awkward at firstResources & Links Learn more about Rhinestone Wedding Chapel and Bestiemony. Episode 19: The One for Little Alex Episode 188: Are Birthdays Doing Too Much Work In Our Friendships? Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today! Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

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Tired of hearing “just put yourself out there” when it comes to friendship or community? Same. Friendship IRL is the podcast that skips the fluff and gets real about what it takes to build meaningful adult friendships and lasting support systems. Whether you're struggling to make new friends, maintain old ones, or just want people in your life who really show up, you're in the right place. Each week, host Alex Alexander brings you honest conversations and tangible strategies to help you connect—for real. You’ll hear stories from everyday people (plus the occasional expert), learn what’s working in modern friendships—and what definitely isn’t—and walk away with ideas, scripts, and action steps you can actually use. Think of it like a coffee date with your wisest, most encouraging friend—the one who tells the truth and hands you the playbook. 🎧 New episodes drop every Thursday. 💬 Want to share your friendship win or struggle? Leave Alex a voice message at AlexAlex.chat. Follow along on Instagram or TikTok @itsalexalexander and join the movement to rethink how we build connection, community, and friendships in real life.

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