Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Alex Alexander
  • 4.9 (57)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

Tired of hearing “just put yourself out there” when it comes to friendship or community? Same. Friendship IRL is the podcast that skips the fluff and gets real about what it takes to build meaningful adult friendships and lasting support systems. Whether you're struggling to make new friends, maintain old ones, or just want people in your life who really show up, you're in the right place. Each week, host Alex Alexander brings you honest conversations and tangible strategies to help you connect—for real. You’ll hear stories from everyday people (plus the occasional expert), learn what’s working in modern friendships—and what definitely isn’t—and walk away with ideas, scripts, and action steps you can actually use. Think of it like a coffee date with your wisest, most encouraging friend—the one who tells the truth and hands you the playbook. 🎧 New episodes drop every Thursday. 💬 Want to share your friendship win or struggle? Leave Alex a voice message at AlexAlex.chat. Follow along on Instagram or TikTok @itsalexalexander and join the movement to rethink how we build connection, community, and friendships in real life.

  1. 5d ago

    The Secrets We Keep (For Our Friends)

    What do you do if a friend tells you something deeply personal? Maybe they're getting divorced, or they’re pregnant but haven’t publicly announced it. This week, I'm sharing a friendship boundary that Michael and I have held for years, including the kinds of things we don't share with each other, why some of our friends are shocked to learn we've kept their secrets for months (or years), and the role trust plays in building strong friendships, communities, and marriages. I know this is a hot take. But I think there's a difference between hiding something from your partner and holding something for your friend. This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital penpal app used by over 10 million people worldwide! If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6. In this episode you’ll hear about: The 3 categories of information I refuse to share, even when friends never ask to keep it privateWhy carrying a friend's secret can sometimes be emotionally heavy, and why it's still worth itThe surprising way trust spreads through friend groups when people realize you're someone who can keep a secretWhy "my spouse knows everything" can unintentionally come at the expense of trust in your friendshipsThe friendship philosophy that helps build strong individual relationships and a stronger marriageEpisode 2: How To Balance Friendship & Marriage Without Losing Yourself Episode 12: Digging Into The 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots Episode 100: How To Use the Wheel of Connection to Strengthen Your Support System This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    25 min

  2. Jun 4

    How One Bumble BFF Match Turned Into a Best Friendship with Hayleigh Hayhurst

    Friendship apps have a reputation for being awkward. They're "not how real friendships happen.” But what if that's not true? When Hayleigh Hayhurst moved to Seattle knowing almost no one, she found herself craving deeper connection and a stronger support system. Instead of waiting for friendships to happen organically, she decided to try Bumble BFF — and ended up meeting some of her closest friends! Hayleigh talks about what it's like to go on friend dates, why friendship rejection can feel more personal than romantic rejection, and how to move conversations off the apps into real life. If you’ve considered downloading a friendship app or simply want more meaningful friendships in your life, this episode is for you. In this episode you’ll hear about: Why adult friendships work better when you get to an in-person meetup as quickly as possibleThe surprisingly specific filters Hayleigh used when looking for friends, including relationship status and lifestyleHow searching for a “neighborhood friend” changed Hayleigh's experience of living in a city far from familyWhy borrowing a partner's social circle isn't the same as building your own support systemWhy Hayleigh was more nervous to go on a friend date than a romantic date, and what convinced her to try anywayEpisode 52: How To Build Community When You Don’t Know Where to Start Episode 162: Why Getting to Know Your Neighbors Matters Right Now This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    49 min

  3. May 28

    What Is Friendship Culture? (And the Struggle to Shift It)

    Why does one friendship feel effortless while another feels tense, draining, or rigid? In this episode, I’m diving into a concept I think about constantly: friendship culture. The unspoken norms, expectations, habits, and “rules” that shape how our relationships function. From how you split the dinner bill to who initiates plans, what topics feel safe to discuss, or whether partners are included in hangouts — every friendship develops its own culture over time. And most of the time, nobody consciously decides on any of it. I’m sharing my hot takes on how friendship cultures form, why they can start to feel restrictive or misaligned as we grow, and how to shift the dynamic without immediately blowing up the relationship. In this episode you’ll hear about: How life transitions like parenting, finances, health, or relationships naturally shift friendship dynamicsWhy the same person can show up completely differently across different friendships and friend groupsQuestions to ask yourself to identify which friendship cultures actually feel good, supportive, and natural to youHow small “nudges” can slowly reshape friendship culture without forcing a dramatic confrontation This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    44 min

  4. May 21

    How to Show Up for a Friend Going Through a Divorce with Oona Metz

    Divorce is one of those life moments where everyone has an opinion, a reaction, or a face they make when they’re told – which is, much of the time, not very helpful.  … So what IS helpful? That’s what today’s guest, Oona Metz, is here to talk about.  Oona is a licensed independent clinical social worker, a certified group psychotherapist with 30 years of experience supporting women through some of life's hardest transitions, and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. In this conversation, we cover it all: the grief, shame, and stigma of divorce; of building a divorce support team; the downsides of trying to be everything for your friend; how the words you choose in that first conversation matter more than you think; and most of all, what it really means to be the kind of friend who shows up for the hard stuff. This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6. In this episode you’ll hear about: Oona’s own stories about what she experienced going through divorce and the diverse responses people offered, from condolences to congratulationsAll the nuanced feelings of divorce – including heartbreak, stress, relief – and how to ask friends how they’re feeling without making assumptions about their experiencesFive phases of divorce, including heartbreak, roller coaster, mending, letting go, and moving onThe Ring Theory, creating a divorce support team, and different approaches to supporting friends through divorce Resources & Links Check out Oona’s book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women and learn more about the Ring Theory.  And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast. Listen to Episode Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.  Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    1h 2m

  5. May 14

    Friendship Stalls: How to Work Your Way From “Acquaintance” to “Friend”

    Have you ever tried to make a new friend and felt like you were stalling out between the “acquaintance” and “friend” stages?  Maybe this person was on the edge of your life for months, and yet, nothing ever changed: you saw each other in the same places, you kept having the same conversations. How do you get to that point where they feel like a friend? Some people assume if a friendship isn’t progressing, it’s not meant to be. But I’d argue part of the reason is there’s not enough nuance (or language!) for those in-between stages. We’re not taught what friendship actually requires to move forward.  Today’s episode is a roadmap for grown-ups to help work through the messy middle of making friends. I hope it helps you appreciate ALL the steps that draw us closer together. This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6. In this episode you’ll hear about: The myriad of different kinds of friends in my Wheel of Connection, including familiar friends – people you see around haven’t forged close connections withDifferent ways to build roots, from inviting somebody to a new activity or remembering a small detail about themChallenges adults face in making new friends, including societal norms, competing responsibilities, and the tendency to put our best foot forward with new companyCommon obstacles to progressing friendships, including over-promising and skipping steps Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 about my Roots framework and Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection. And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    47 min

  6. May 7

    The Cost of Quiet: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict and Have Those Hard Conversations with Colette Jane Fehr

    Here you are, leaving that friendship hangout frustrated again.  You swear you’ll tackle the issue at the next meet-up, but then, time goes by. You’ve pushed the problem aside. Until it happens again. And again. Suddenly, this little issue has become a major one. Today’s guest is Colette Jane Fehr, a therapist, TEDX speaker, and author of the Amazon bestselling book, The Cost of Quiet. Her work is rooted in couples therapy, but don’t press pause! Every single skill she teaches transfers directly to friendships. If you have ever swallowed something hard and pushed it down because you didn’t know how to bring it up, this episode is for you.  In this episode you’ll hear about: Conflict avoidance: the tendency to not be too intense or demanding with friends – and consequently push issues under the rugWhat Colette calls the “victim volcano,” when untended issues stack up and eventually eruptColette’s and my own personal experiences navigating issues between friends that need to be addressedSelf-connected communication, which helps us prepare before sharing our grievances with friends, and “Good Girl-Itis” Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework. Order Colette’s book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love.  And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    1h 3m

  7. Apr 30

    Why We Need to Stop Using the Word “Toxic” in Regards to Friendship

    Bad vibes. Frenemy. Fake friend. Toxic friendship. We have an entire vocabulary for when friendships aren’t working, but I think certain words and phrases often oversimplify friendship issues – and ultimately end up costing us something very real. In this episode, I talk in particular about the word toxic: its history, how it’s morphed in modern friendship culture, and questions to ask yourself to identify issues in friendships instead of just labeling somebody toxic.  Let me be clear: this episode is not about tolerating bad behavior. This is about what happens when we reach for a label instead of doing the harder work of figuring out what the problem is and what we actually need. In this episode you’ll hear about: Why I think the word toxic has become overused and oversimplifies the complexities of issues between friendshipsLooking at some history to the word “toxic,” which has clinical origins but has been diluted via social mediaHow the word “toxic” seems to imply a person is incapable of change – plus, my own personal qualms with labels in generalThe value in focusing on behaviors instead of labeling people, and three questions I recommend asking before writing off “toxic” people Resources & Links Preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet? comes out June 16. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out! This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    26 min

  8. Apr 23

    Neurodivergent Friendships: Self-Advocating, Masking, and Reframing Friendship as a Skill with Caroline Maguire

    To me, writing a friendship manual for neurodivergent people seems kind of mind-bending. How do you encapsulate the beauty and diversity of ALL our brains in one book?  And yet, today’s guest, Caroline Maguire, has done just that. Caroline is an expert in social-emotional learning and ADHD coaching, the author of Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults (which I HIGHLY recommend!); and host of the ADHD Social Playbook Podcast. For my neurodivergent listeners: I hope this episode reframes how you approach friendships. And for my neurotypical friends: it never hurts to understand what your friends might be experiencing. In this episode you’ll hear about: Caroline’s childhood experiences of being bullied and left out and how this impacted her perspective on friendship as a kidThe life-changing impact of learning to see friendship as a skill that can be developed at any age via self-awareness and practiceSelf-advocacy and asking for what you need in friendships (and how friends can adapt to neurodivergent communication styles and sensory needs)Masking – suppressing or camouflaging neurodivergent traits to fit in – and the importance of not losing your own authenticity among friends Resources & Links Check out Caroline’s books, Why Will No One Play With Me? and Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults  This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6 WANT MORE? My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look. Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.

    1h 15m
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4.9
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About

Tired of hearing “just put yourself out there” when it comes to friendship or community? Same. Friendship IRL is the podcast that skips the fluff and gets real about what it takes to build meaningful adult friendships and lasting support systems. Whether you're struggling to make new friends, maintain old ones, or just want people in your life who really show up, you're in the right place. Each week, host Alex Alexander brings you honest conversations and tangible strategies to help you connect—for real. You’ll hear stories from everyday people (plus the occasional expert), learn what’s working in modern friendships—and what definitely isn’t—and walk away with ideas, scripts, and action steps you can actually use. Think of it like a coffee date with your wisest, most encouraging friend—the one who tells the truth and hands you the playbook. 🎧 New episodes drop every Thursday. 💬 Want to share your friendship win or struggle? Leave Alex a voice message at AlexAlex.chat. Follow along on Instagram or TikTok @itsalexalexander and join the movement to rethink how we build connection, community, and friendships in real life.

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